Young Writers Society

Ok, here's a little thing I wrote. I don't know. It might be a bit hard to understand. If it is, I am truly sorry. This is part 1. Reading only part 1 will be confusing but I can guarantee that after reading the whole story, you'll understand and be satisfied.

“Your blood pressure looks to be fine. Now, I’m going to check your temperature. Please open your mouth wide.” The doctor put the thermometer in James mouth for a split second and took it out. It said his temperature is normal. “Your temperature is perfect. 98 exactly.” James responded excitedly, “Awesome. I’ve been waiting to get out of this prison for such a long time, man. I was so excited when the guard came up to me and told me I’ll be leaving.” The doctor responded expressionless, “Yeah. Alright, now that I’ve done all this, and checked to make sure you’re healthy, you will just need to be escorted to the sign-out room by these gentlemen.” Two men in black put James in handcuffs and started walking him to the sign out room. James was so excited. He had been in prison for 7 years under a false charge. Now he was finally getting out. When James got to the sign out room, a man gave him a sheet and said, “Fill out all the information, please. We’ll need it for later. You know, we’ll need it for when we kill you.” The man suddenly covered his mouth and quickly said, “I didn’t mean th-“ and before he finished what he was able to say, one of the guards in black that had escorted James to the room, took out a gun and shot the man dead. James was surprised, “What the hell is going on here?” “Ignore that. It was just a mistake the man made. Quickly, hurry up on finishing that paper. Then you can get out of here” James still said, “I want to know why you just killed that guy. He just made a mistake in what he said! He didn’t deserve to get killed like that!” “Sir, if you ever want to get out of here, you’re going to have to fill that sheet out.” “Fine. This is getting too crazy. But fine.” James filled out all the information and then one of the men in black said, “Now I will escort you to the exit. Follow me.” James followed to a room. There was another doctor in the room. The doctor said, “We’ve decided that for one last test to make sure your health is working as well as it should be, we need to do another quick check on you. Once we’re done, the exit is right there.” He pointed to the door that said “exit”. James said, “Fine. Anything to get me out of this place.” The doctor pointed to a chair in the middle of the room and motioned for James to sit in it. James sat in it. The doctor pressed a button, and a little counter counted down, “3…2…1” and then James started shaking and then the doctor pressed another button and it stopped. The doctor went over to James and said, “He’s dead.”



More to come later! You probably are thinking that it’s so confusing… once you read the whole thing you won’t be confused. I guarantee.

Please review it and tell me what you think.

Adam

Hi! Welcome to YWS. First off, it's one of the Rules on here that before you post anything of your own, you have to have reviewed at least two other stories beforehand. That means a real, constructive review as well, not just, "Zomg, this was great, keep writing!!!" That officially doesn't count. ^_~

It's very much frowned upon to put "Please read!" in your title, so take that out.

You need to put your story in paragraphs, with each bit of dialogue by itself.

See this is what the first part looks like now:

“Your blood pressure looks to be fine. Now, I’m going to check your temperature. Please open your mouth wide.” The doctor put the thermometer in James mouth for a split second and took it out. It said his temperature is normal. “Your temperature is perfect. 98 exactly.” James responded excitedly, “Awesome. I’ve been waiting to get out of this prison for such a long time, man. I was so excited when the guard came up to me and told me I’ll be leaving.” The doctor responded expressionless, “Yeah. Alright, now that I’ve done all this, and checked to make sure you’re healthy, you will just need to be escorted to the sign-out room by these gentlemen.”

This is what it should look like:

“Your blood pressure looks to be fine. Now, I’m going to check your temperature. Please open your mouth wide.” The doctor put the thermometer in James mouth for a split second and took it out. It said his temperature is normal. “Your temperature is perfect. 98 exactly.”

James responded excitedly, “Awesome. I’ve been waiting to get out of this prison for such a long time, man. I was so excited when the guard came up to me and told me I’ll be leaving.”

The doctor responded expressionless, “Yeah. Alright, now that I’ve done all this, and checked to make sure you’re healthy, you will just need to be escorted to the sign-out room by these gentlemen.”

See? You need to lay out your stories on here like they are in books -- it's the same formatting thingy.

I don't gave time to do a full line by liner, but what I did notice when reading this as that you have no emotions and no detail. Think about if you were in James' shoes. A man gets shot in front of him, and James hardly does anything. Put in what he's thinking, feeling. Describe the doctor, describe the guards, put in detail, make us see it, describe the scene!