Young Writers Society

Prologue part one: The Day the World Knew

Sunday evening in an atronomy laboratory deep inside the heart of Oklahoma, a stunning discovery was being made. March Tenth, 1973 would be a day, which no matter how important, would be lost to science and history forever. It was so long ago and the only man, who would stand to stop this problem of human extinction, was yet to be born. This is when our problem first is discovered, concealed and forgotten. This is where our story of human survival begins. Most likely, it will be the beginning of the end.

JT was so amazed at this new computer. The sensors were designed to give analyzed readouts of the Earth’s core. It specifically gave the speed of rotation, temperature, and pressure. Only two measurements had been previously taken, one in January and the other during February.

The temperature readout was showing a half-degree drop per month. The pressure was dropping at a constant rate that varied with the temperature.

The only readout he had left to print was the speed. All three months showed a decrease in rotation speed also.

“The drop in pressure is explained by the drop in temperature. But what explains the drop in speed?” JT was curious. He spun his wheeled terminal chair to the simulation station. He input the data into the simulator. Now time to wait about four hours. The reading came back in about twenty minutes as inconclusive. It had not been able to begin processing the types of data that were entered.

“Mr. Jacobs, you may want to see this sir.” JT yelled across the lab to his supervisor.

“What is it now JT? Find more aliens in the core did we.” Jacob asked, his voice overflowing with sarcasm that he didn’t even attempt to hide.

“No, but don’t even joke about that man. They were there. I have the radio transmission to prove it.” JT replied in his defense, “It is the core though.”

Jacob plucked the data sheets from JT’s hand. He quickly skimmed over them and realizing he had no idea what he was looking at, he asked, “So, what am I looking at?”

“I was showing you that the core pressure temperature and speed are all decreasing. That’s what you’re looking at.”

“So, what does this mean?” Jacob asked still not having a clue.

“I don’t know, you’re the supervisor!” JT yelled

“This was supposed to be a cake job, where I did nothing all day and put food on the table none the less.”

“So what am I supposed to do with the readouts?”

“Just file the nonsense things over there!" Jacobs said.

And that’s where the documents stayed for the next twenty-six years. A file cabinet filled with readouts on the core and several other seemingly lost files.

Part Two (Edited Entry)
Prologue Part 2: The Boy With All the Theories

March 10, 1989, the anniversary of the discovery, a boy was born in Dewey Oklahoma. His name was Alexander. His infancy and childhood gave no sign or warning of what future was to be sprung upon him. He was sixteen when he took interest in Ecology, more specifically, the theory of Global Warming.

He never liked or agreed with what the best scientists in the world had to say about the subject. He always had his own theories, and as he became older he would revise or substitute his theories for newer more plausible ones. At first he believed the problem was in the carrying capacity of the Earths human population. He soon abandoned that theory all together.

In 2009, Global Warming hit a climax. It broke off a thirty-two mile chunk of Antarctica. A category five hurricane, nicknamed Ron, completely laid waste to the east coast. The worst came a month later. The jet stream came to a crawl and brought widespread drought and flooding to random parts of the world. The North Atlantic Current shifted and began a backwards cycle causing already serious problems to escalate to never before seen levels. The apocalypse was on the doorstep and humanity’s days were numbered.

Alexander had several theories of what was causing this but no solutions. He needed to know where the truth of the starting point was and how to stop it. The solution would come from a most unlikely source. Most of humanity that survived until 2012 called this source true fate, destiny, or coincidence. Whatever it truly was, It was their only last hope.

right off the bat i saw a mistake..."Sunday evening in an astrology laboratory deep inside the heart of Oklahoma, a stunning discovery was being made." i believe you meant 'Atronomy'?

there were also numerous other errors(most of them punctuation). if you have trouble finding them on your own, try reading what you wrote backwards sentence by sentence. that way, you're not focusing on the story, and it helps you focus on the grammar of individual sentences.

as for the story, it certainly got me interested as a good prologue should (for some reason, almost everyone on YWS seems to have a fantastic grasp of writing prologues that make the reader want to continue...).

i'd appreciate it if you PMed me when you post more. keep writing!

The first paragraph is in a completely different voice then the rest, and honestly, I don't have a clue what was going on in it. Something about someone being born and humanity coming to an end. If that's information that we really need, then I would clarify it a bit, and I'd also try to put it into some sort of narrative form. It's more interesting to the reader that way.

After that... nicely done! I'm very intrigued about what is going on. And the comment about filing away the gibberish is sooo true. I work in an office with a ton of filing to do, and I seem to remember being told something along those lines. So, it really made me smile.

One of the problems with science fiction is that you have to be a little grounded in science. I don't know how much research you've done for this, and I might very well be wrong since I have a very limited understanding of these things, but I'm pretty sure that the earth starting to spin slower would have some very apparent side effects for the general population. *shrugs* Maybe that's something you could look into? Maybe a tv going in the background talking about a sudden upsurgance of earthquakes (I'm pretty sure that would be a side effect) while they're making this discovery?

GGRRAARRR! I am becoming the Hulk! The word is 'ASTRONOMY'!

I'm a writing major in college, so lemme give this a little going-over...



Prologue, Part One: The Day the World Knew

Sunday evening in an astrology laboratory deep inside the heart of Oklahoma, a stunning discovery was being made. March Tenth, 1973 would be a day, which no matter how important, would be lost to science and history forever. It was so long ago *(So long ago that...what?)* and the only man *if you keep the comma here, it means that this guy is the only man--there are no other men anywhere in the world* who would stand to stop this problem of human extinction was yet to be born. This was *was, not is, because you're talking in past tense* when our problem first was discovered, concealed and forgotten. This is where our story of human survival begins. (you should nix this last sentence, because we know it, and awesome as it is when , as authors, we don't know ourselves where the story will go, it's usually best for third-person authors to stay out of the story)Most likely, it will be the beginning of the end.

JT was so amazed at this new computer (so amazed that ...what? I just mean that...it implies, when you say "so amazed" or "so...whatever" that it's so this that that is that. Basically, being a writing major kills your soul and means that you can't write like you speak...). The sensors were designed to give analyzed readouts of the Earth’s core. Specifically, it (just think this flows better...) gave the speed of rotation, temperature, and pressure. Only two measurements had been previously taken, one in January and the other during February. The temperature readout was showing a half-degree drop per month. The pressure was dropping at a constant rate that varied with the temperature. The only readout he had left to print was the speed. All three months also showed a decrease in this.
“The drop in pressure is explained by the drop in temperature. But what explains the drop in speed?” JT was curious.
He spun his wheeled terminal chair to the simulation station. He inputed the data into the simulator. Then, it was time to wait about four hours. The reading came back in about twenty minutes as "inconclusive."
“Mr. Jacobs, you may want to see this sir.” JT yelled across the lab to his supervisor.
“What is it now JT? Find more aliens in the core, did we?” Jacob asked, his voice overflowing with sarcasm that he didn’t even attempt to hide.
“No, but don’t even joke about that, man. They were there. I have the radio transmission to prove it.” JT replied in his defense, “It is the core, though.”
Jacob plucked the data sheets from JT’s hand. He quickly skimmed over them and, realizing he had no idea what he was looking at, asked, “So, what am I looking at?” (unless this is a joke, I'd nix it or say it differently)
“I was showing you that the core pressure temperature and speed are all decreasing. That’s what you’re looking at.”
“So, what does this mean?” Jacob asked, still without a clue.
“I don’t know, you’re the supervisor!” JT yelled
“This was supposed to be a cake job, where I did nothing all day and put food on the table nonetheless.”
“So what am I supposed to do with the readouts?”
“Just file the nonsense things
And that’s where the documents stayed for the next twenty-six years. A file cabinet filled with readouts on the core and several other seemingly lost files.





i like this. interesting to see where it goes.

Hey

Nice little story you got here. I found a few holes/errors/things I didn't like, and so here they are. Have fun

---------------------------

Prologue part one: The Day the World Knew --------- Hmm. . . an a'ight title, but before and after this there were/will be days the world knows/knew, so. . . maybe a bit irrelevant. --------------

Sunday evening in an atronomy ---------- astronomy ---------- laboratory deep inside the heart of Oklahoma, a stunning discovery was being made --------------- a stunning discovery that is later in the story filed away? Maybe don't have the discovery as stunning. I suggest rewriting it to make it sound less. . . superficial ------------. March Tenth ------------ 10, or 10th would look better ----------- , 1973 would be a day, which no matter how important, would be lost to science and history forever --------------- *is confused* Here you're saying the day will be LOST to scientists, but before you were going on about it as the "Day the World Knew" . . . did I miss something? ------------- It was so long ago and the only man, <---------- comma not needed -------- who would stand to stop this problem of human extinction, was yet to be born ---------- not sure if this sentence is even needed. And by saying it was so long ago, you're swaping tenses, you should stick with present or past tense --------------. This is when our problem first is discovered, concealed and forgotten. This is where our story of human survival begins. Most likely, it will be the beginning of the end -------------- the last three sentences are. . . a tad over dramatic? Think it over. Are they needed? Or will a person, after reading to the end, gather this for themselves? -----------.

JT ----------- now, I don't know about you, but back in 1973, there wouldn't be many kids (or is he an adult?) around with the name JT. Also, you haven't described anything about the labratory, what time it is, what JT looks like. . . there isn't any depth ----------- was so amazed at this new computer ----------- if he's such an "un-know-it-all" as you convey him to be, what the computer does and stuff wouldn't interest him -----------. The sensors were designed to give analyzed readouts of the Earth’s core. It specifically gave the speed of rotation, temperature, and pressure. Only two measurements had been previously taken, one in January and the other during February -------------- You'd think that the sensors would be measuring the Earth's core every minute. If the world can afford to watch Big Brother 24/7 live feed over the internet, you'd think that sensors monitoring the core would do the same ---------------. The temperature readout was showing a half-degree drop per month -------------- now, see, that's not right. If there were only 2 measurements taken, then how could you say the temp was dropping .5 per month? It'd be that "since January, the temp had dropped .5 of a degree" -----------. The pressure was dropping at a constant rate that varied with the temperature ---------- see, how would you know if it was constant if there are only 2 readings? Now, if there were more than two readings. . . then that would make sense. You need more that 2 or 3 to average out a constant --------. The only readout he had left to print was the speed --------------- so I'm confused again. What does JT do, exactly? Come into the Labratory once a month to print off a sensor report of the Earth's core? ---------------. All three months ---------- all three months? Above you only said January and February ---------- showed a decrease in rotation speed also.

(-----------there should be an enter space between new paragraphs and speech to make it easier to read. I'll do this for you)

“The drop in pressure is explained by the drop in temperature. But what explains the drop in speed?” JT was curious.

He spun his wheeled terminal chair to the simulation station. He input the data into the simulator. Now time to wait about four hours ---------- is this a joke or what? --------------. The reading came back in about twenty minutes as inconclusive ---------- what does that even mean? What does the simulation station do with the data? Am I the only one lost here??? ----------.

“Mr. Jacobs, you may want to see this sir.” ----------- you make him sound like he's in the army, with the sir thing at the end ------------ JT yelled across the lab to his supervisor.

“What is it now JT? Find more aliens in the core did we.” ---------- should be a question, not a statement by the way it is written ---------- Jacob asked, his voice overflowing with sarcasm that he didn’t even attempt to hide -------------- well if it was overflowing with sarcasm, it's obvious that he didn't hide it . . . --------------------.

“No, but don’t even joke about that man. They were there. I have the radio transmission to prove it.” JT replied in his defense, “It is the core though.”

Jacob plucked the data sheets from JT’s hand. He quickly skimmed over them and realizing he had no idea what he was looking at, he asked, “So, what am I looking at?” -------------- the joke fell through here... I think you should come up with something else. Maybe, "So, JT, let's pretend I have nooo idea at all what this is - explain?" ----------------

“I was showing you that the core pressure temperature and speed are all decreasing. That’s what you’re looking at.” ------------ terrible wording --------

“So, what does this mean?” Jacob asked still not having a clue. -------- well obviously. Is the "still not having a clue" part really needed? ----------

“I don’t know, you’re the supervisor!” JT yelled <----- full stop. Also, why would he yell? That's a poor reason to yell at someone ---------

“This was supposed to be a cake job, where I did nothing all day and put food on the table none the less.” ------------ Um. . . right. . . nonetheless is one word, but I don't think you should have this in it at all. How would he become supervisor of a laboratory if he didn't know his stuff? It'd probably make more sense, and be a quicker story if you got rid of Mr Jacobs (who you didn't describe anyway) and have JT all alone in the laboratory, sometime in the middle of the night, waiting impatiently for the final readings for that DAY, like he does every day. And then he notices a pattern. He hurriedly looks at all the other readings. *gasp* He writes on a post-it what he's found out, puts it on Mr. Jacobs desk, and then locks up for the night - but leaves a coffee pot in the kitchen on the stove on. The laboratory burns down, with the notes and the sensor equipment, JT is fired for being irresponsible, and the whole Earth Core monitoring thing is forgotten. Doesn't that fit better? ------------

“So what am I supposed to do with the readouts?”

“Just file the nonsense things <--------- forgotten punctuation --------

And that’s where the documents stayed for the next twenty-six years. A file cabinet filled with readouts on the core and several other seemingly lost files. --------- you have the word "file" repeated twice and it sounds bad ------

-----------------------------------------

Well, that's my report.

Hope it wasn't too harsh, and that you read my ideas and what I've written without getting too angry.

Cheers,
Jhai

Church.

My first reaction to this was the organization. It is rather rough for the eyes to look on, because it's not properly separated into paragraphs. Since the PHP forums don't recognize previously formatted pieces, you're forced to go through and add an extra line break between each paragraphs if you would like it to be more readable.

My second reaction is that your style is awkward. You're trying to be more complex than necessary, and as such your sentences tend to be very long winded, with no short sentences to break up the action.

finally, run through this slowly and carefully with a fine-toothed comb. There are quite a few amateur mistakes, such as missing quotation marks, that you'll find if you do so.

Moving on to your part 2.

--King

I promised, so here I am! I may not be able to get to the others today, sorry. I have a busy schedule (for once). I will crit them all though. Also, it would make it a ton easier to read if you spaced the paragraphs

Church wrote:Prologue part one: The Day the World Knew

Sunday evening in an atronomy laboratory deep inside the heart of Oklahoma, a stunning discovery was being made. March Tenth, 1973 would be a day, which no matter how important, would be lost to science and history forever. It was so long ago and the only man, who would stand to stop this problem of human extinction, was yet to be born. This is when our problem first is discovered, concealed and forgotten. This is where our story of human survival begins. Most likely, it will be the beginning of the end.

Tenth= 10th. It's not considered informal if it's describing a date. which needs some sort of punctuation, perhaps just a comma. so long ago doesn't flow with the rest of the sentence, maybe tell exactly when. no comma. first is=is first. Other than the minor grammatical errors, a very compelling first paragraph!

JT was so amazed at this new computer. The sensors were designed to give analyzed readouts of the Earth’s core. It specifically gave the speed of rotation, temperature, and pressure. Only two measurements had been previously taken, one in January and the other during February. The temperature readout was showing a half-degree drop per month. The pressure was dropping at a constant rate that varied with the temperature. The only readout he had left to print was the speed. All three months showed a decrease in rotation speed also.

so amazed is a bland explanation, this is a good chance to use the vocabulary that you showed in the rest of the paragraph!

“The drop in pressure is explained by the drop in temperature. But what explains the drop in speed?” JT was curious.

this is unnecessary, it's like showing us everything in a creative way and then just blatantly stating it. eh. Plus, I don't like the tense. Maybe tell what he was doing at the time, or the tone in his voice.

He spun his wheeled terminal chair to the simulation station. He input the data into the simulator. Now time to wait about four hours. The reading came back in about twenty minutes as inconclusive.

combine the sentences with a conjuction for less choppy feel.

“Mr. Jacobs, you may want to see this sir.” JT yelled across the lab to his supervisor.

“What is it now JT? Find more aliens in the core did we.” Jacob asked, his voice overflowing with sarcasm that he didn’t even attempt to hide.

. = ?

“No, but don’t even joke about that man. They were there. I have the radio transmission to prove it.” JT replied in his defense, “It is the core though.”

Jacob plucked the data sheets from JT’s hand. He quickly skimmed over them and realizing he had no idea what he was looking at, he asked, “So, what am I looking at?”

“I was showing you that the core pressure temperature and speed are all decreasing. That’s what you’re looking at.”

“So, what does this mean?” Jacob asked still not having a clue.

“I don’t know, you’re the supervisor!” JT yelled

“This was supposed to be a cake job, where I did nothing all day and put food on the table none the less.”

lol, great characterization

“So what am I supposed to do with the readouts?”

“Just file the nonsense things

umm, end of sentence punctuation? where did it go?

And that’s where the documents stayed for the next twenty-six years. A file cabinet filled with readouts on the core and several other seemingly lost files.

DUN DUN DUN! I believe this is foreshadowing? Very nice way to end it.

I give you an A-, nice characterization, great 'hooking' the reader in, and intriguing facts and ideas. Rather short, but hey it's a prologue. I can't wait until I can do the rest of them!