Young Writers Society

[temp. deleted - will be back soon.]

Hey. Don't have much time to comment, but I just wanted to say a couple things.

This was a pretty interesting addition. I didn't like it as much as Part One, but sometimes it happens.

It may be just me - I'm tired - but I felt a little confused about what was happening. You may be planning to clear it all up in the next part or something, but just thought you should know.

Good work.

I like the way you wrote this story. One part kind of interrupting another. It's alittle confusing at first but it is also different.
I also liked how you described everything so that I could see it also.
But I also have to agree with KJ, I was really confused but maybe it will be all straightened up later. I really liked it though.

How did I not notice that there was more of this until now? *flails*

and a grey door with the number ‘eighty three’ printed on it

This doesn't sound right to me, you could simplify to something like 'a grey door printed 'eighty-three'? And don't forget to hyphenate your numbers.

The thoughts of the future me … modern me … whatever … surface briefly.

I don't like the ellipses(es?) there. I think you could replace them with commas, dashes, semi-colons or whatever, but not ellipses. And if you are going to use them, then capitalise XD I don't like the whatever there either, given the Doctor's rather formal tone in the first part, it doesn't quite stick.

And this is, um, before med-school, back when I was still a young man.

I've already read part three, and when I came back to re-read this it struck me. If this is the Messiah's memory, then does this mean that he went to med-school too? Or was that filler there to show the doctor's uncertainty about the memory? So is this memory a mixture of the Doctor's conscious thought, and the Messiah's memory?

I've gone and confused myself again .__." I hope that made sense to you.

But it wasn’t a pure white; time had aged and tinged it, and made it most comparable to the sclera of a person’s eye. It was a corrupted colour.

A corrupted colour. Sclera. I love that ♥

The one nearest me read ‘animals’, and opposite it was ‘supplies’. A little further down I spied ‘weapons’.

Capitalise the names of signs?

I waved at a nearby dog that was pining in my general direction.

I don't think a dog would really pine 'in the general direction' of someone if it could see him; the animal would be much more direct in its plea for help.

I opened it and looked inside - tightly wrapped in Clearfield was my twenty quid’s worth of Exx.

Clearfield? Izat like clingfilm?

That Alex could prepare it for me was another perk of taking the Exx there in the labs.

Labs? I thought he was in a house? Like a normal person's house, 'cause that's what a lot of drug dealers deal from *glances at house across street which has been raided many times* Labs made me think of school laboratories, or the ones my Dad works in which are huge and full of expensive equipment. It made me think of the hospital the Doctor works in again.

I followed the line of cages, examining the many animals inside. There was a variety of them; there were even a few unusual ones from overseas. There was a strange looking rodent, for example, with large, pointed ears.

It sounds like he's slipping back into the doctor persona; examining, for example, all that sorta stuff. It doesn't really sound I'm-here-for-drugs.

Hey, a monkey! I cried. ‘I love monkeys. How you doing, little guy?’ As with the dog, I stuck a finger through the cage to stroke it. The monkey shrunk away, making a funny chirping sound as it did so. Its white-furred face examined my finger with what looked like confusion, then it cautiously reached out with a hand and tapped my finger, before yanking its hand back again. I chuckled - I loved monkeys.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ Alex said from behind me. ‘I told you not to touch anything.’

I glanced over my shoulder at him. ‘Hey, I didn’t hear you come bac-’ I was cut off as a sharp stinging pain pierced my finger. I yanked it from the cage, and cried, ‘The little bastard bit me!’ Blood dribbled down my finger. ‘Mother fucker.’

Too much repetition of finger in my opinion. There's all sorts of yummy synonyms, so why not use a few


This all being in italics has wreaked havoc with my word XD looks a right mess it does, but it should be all fine when I've posted it.

Anyway, something else that made me think, was that Alex didn't seem too bothered when the monkey bit the Doctor's finger. Wouldn't he know that it contained a virus that could alter DNA or whatever? Yet he doesn't seem too phased. And if the Messiah became all world famous and everything, wouldn't Alex then say 'well I know what did it' or if he stole it from other scientist people wouldn't they be able to recognise it? Also, because I'm curious, can the monkey do all the funky stuff like Scrying?

I'm inclined to suggest that you try another animal (monkey+virus='28 days later' in my mind) but then given that they're close in terms of human I can see why you'd use one. Although, might it be more fun to have an unrelated animal, and then the virus mutate or something (thinking of bird flu...)

I'm ranting/rambling, so I'll leave it at here. And save the rest for when I have another look-see at the third part. Which will be now.

-fish!