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Isolation



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Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:07 pm
canislupis says...



Well.... I wrote this a while ago and haven't done much editing. there are probably huge problems with tense and plot, and if you want to poin them out to me, I'd appreciate it. :wink:

Isolation
Chap1





My breath echoes hollowly in my ears. The respiration mask is clamped tightly to my face. I will not be able to get this one off. I open one eye a tiny slit. There are people bending over me, also wearing respiration masks and hospital scrubs. I cough suddenly into my mask, reacting to a rough sandpapery feeling in the back of my mouth. I can remember now. I had opened my mask outside a safe place. I try to lift my arm, but realize that it is stuck to my side. I am tied to the table, completely immobile. They must have just operated on me, which would explain the sandpapery feeling of the new skin in my mouth. I had just wanted to know, to feel for the first time what it would be like without a mask, to breathe normally.



I groan loudly. This excites the people standing over me, and they start gesturing wildly while conversing among themselves. I can’t understand them, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with my ears. One of them unclips the tie binding my waist, and another the one around my arms. I sit up groggily, but one of them pushes me back down. He is wearing thick gloves, the kind with a sensor on the tip of each finger. That must be how he had unclipped the ties. They are loading me onto a stretcher now, and I do not resist. I feel exhausted, and I can remember fainting now, passing out when my lungs gave up the attempt to breathe the polluted air. I had been trying to talk to it, the huge furry gray shape, but the memory was fuzzy now. They have set me down, on a glaringly white cot in the middle of a white room with bright fluorescent lights that are already starting to give me a headache. One of them offers me a food stick, and I eat it gratefully. Immediately, I start to drift asleep. There must have been some kind of sleeping draft in the food. My vision is getting blurry again, and the last thing I see is a vision of the big shape, the wolf.



When I wake, the lights are out, but I see there is a window, which is looking out on one of the safe places. It is not the one I used to live in, though. My family’s safe spot had a stream, and next to it, miles and miles of plains. Here there are dense copses of forests, and there is water, but it is cold, fast moving, and sparkling, and not languid, warm, and green like mine. I can see movement, in a place which must be a village. I can sense now that this must be a much bigger place than the one I grew up in, with my family. There are fields of crops, and wells and small rustic huts like the ones I lived in. A knock on the door disrupts my thoughts. Before I answer, it opens, and a girl walks in. She is not much older than I am, and she has brilliant ringlet curls in a deep shade of brown.



“It was stupid, the thing you did.”



She is frowning at me.


“I wanted to speak to the wolf.”


I don't really mean to say that, but it walks out of my still smarting mouth before I can stop myself. She frowns again to herself before answering.


“They want you in the commitee chamber, if you feel up to it."


She pauses, her face breaking through the frown to form a small, hesitant smile. I think at first that she is going to say something more, but she shuts her mouth. Without giving me a chance to answer her, she walks out the door, pausing just once to tell me she will wait for me at the end of the hall. She closes the door behind her. I look around my room once more, seeing a small side table and the cot in which I spent last night. There is also a small door which I guess must lead to a bathroom. On the foot of the cot is a bundle of clothes, for which I replace my tattered cloak gratefully. The pants are made of soft white linen, and they hang loosely on my thin legs. To go with them is a brown tunic, which comes down to my knees, and a soft, navy blue cloak to go over it. The blue cloak is made out of a fine wool, warm and yet soft. They are very fine clothes, much better than any I would get at home. I take a deep breath before slowly following her out the door.
Last edited by canislupis on Sat Feb 02, 2008 5:46 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:26 pm
Stori says...



I hadn't mean to say that, but it walked out of my mouth before I could stop myself.


You broke with the present-tense there. I notice that tends to happen. :wink:
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
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Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:53 pm
canislupis says...



Aparrrently so. *sigh* I am going through and hopefully fixing more tense changes now. I guess I'm just not really used to writing in present, and it doesn't really come naturally to me in the first place. :)

Thanks for the review!
  





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Sat Feb 02, 2008 3:17 am
GryphonFledgling says...



This was interesting. I don't see many present-tense pieces that I like, but you wrote this so well that I didn't even notice that it was present-tense until I read Kyte's comment realized that it had, indeed, been present the entire time. Congrats to you for pulling the wool over me so well.

The respiration mask, as they are called, is clamped tightly to my face.


I would delete the bold. Just speak like your audience knows what you are talking about. They will get the hang of it. And the name is obvious enough that it doesn't really need explanation. But it is good that you considered it.

I don't really mean to say that, but it walks out of my still-smarting mouth before I can stop myself.


I added that hyphen.

Otherwise, this looks pretty good. It sounds like an interesting situation and environment. Make sure that you flesh it out as you write further, so that the reader can fully realize the scope of what you are writing.

Great job so far. Good luck with the future.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Sat Feb 02, 2008 2:58 pm
Azila says...



How many times do I have to tell you to let me know when you post something new?!

Anyway...

I can remember now. I had opened my mask outside a safe place.

I think that should be a semi-colon, rather than a period.

I can’t understand them, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with my ears.

This seems a little random. Maybe "I can't HEAR them, but I..."? I'm not sure what you're trying to say. :?

That must be how he had unclipped the ties.

I feel like this should just be, "That must be how he unclipped the ties."

They have set me down, on a glaringly white cot in the middle of a white room with bright fluorescent lights that are already starting to give me a headache.

Nitpick: the first comma isn't necessary.

When I wake, the lights are out, but I see there is a window, which is looking out on one of the safe places.

Two things:
1. "to wake" isn't a verb... maybe you mean "awake"?
2. This sentence feels like a bit of a run-on to me... try deleting the "which is"

I can see movement, in a place which must be a village. I can sense now that this must be a much bigger place than the one I grew up in, with my family.

Nitpick: both the commas are unnecessary.

On the foot of the cot is a bundle of clothes, for which I replace my tattered cloak gratefully. The pants aremade of soft white linen, and they hang loosely on my thin legs..

First sentence: I think "for which" should be "with which"
Second sentence: "aremade"? Typo. :wink:

To go with them is a brown tunic, which comes down to my knees, and a soft, navy blue cloak to go over it. The blue cloak is made out of a fine wool, warm and yet soft. They are very fine clothes, much better than any I would get at home.

I've underlined the repeated words and phrases.
----------------

This was pretty good. The plot is really interesting and it seems like you have the laws of your world worked out pretty well in your mind. So plot=very nice--but the writing... well, I can tell you didn't write it that recently because your style has changed (improved!) a lot since whenever you wrote this. Despite the little things I just pointed out, there were a few big aspects that bothered me--

--Info-dumping--
You focus a lot on the details of the situation without describing very much. The amount of information you have is fine, but I think you should flesh it out with description of the present.

--Uneven Paragraphs--
The first paragraph in monumental, then the second is smaller, then the third smaller and it feels (even though this isn't actually true) that the chapter just fades out. This whole problem would be fixed by simply chopping the first paragraph in half... maybe after, "I had just wanted to know, to feel for the first time what it would be like without a mask, to breathe normally."

--Unrealistic Dialogue--
The dialogue bothered me. Especially, “You are wanted in the committee chamber. That is, if you are strong enough to walk. We saw what you were doing, and I thought as much as you have just confirmed for me.” It just seems so... scripted. Can you actually imagine anyone saying that? Try to run through all the dialogue out loud to make it more natural.

Overall, I guess I'd say nice plot, and I think you have a really cool story coming, but you have to work out the kinks. ^_^

Let me know when you post Chapter two!!!

Hope this helps.
~Azila~
  





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Sat Feb 02, 2008 5:31 pm
canislupis says...



Thanks!

Gryphon: Thanks you for the review, it was very helpful. :)

Azila: Thanks! I'll try to remember.


I can’t understand them, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with my ears.


They are speaking in a different language, which will become important later on. ;) I'll try an edit to make it more clear.


--Info-dumping--
You focus a lot on the details of the situation without describing very much. The amount of information you have is fine, but I think you should flesh it out with description of the present.


That is one of the things I was struggling with. :D The sci-fi part is rather difficult, I think mostly cus theres just too much info for me to put in. :)

--Uneven Paragraphs--
The first paragraph in monumental, then the second is smaller, then the third smaller and it feels (even though this isn't actually true) that the chapter just fades out. This whole problem would be fixed by simply chopping the first paragraph in half... maybe after, "I had just wanted to know, to feel for the first time what it would be like without a mask, to breathe normally


Good idea. :)

Thanks again!
  





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Sat Feb 02, 2008 8:11 pm
Azila says...



canislupis wrote:
--Info-dumping--
You focus a lot on the details of the situation without describing very much. The amount of information you have is fine, but I think you should flesh it out with description of the present.


That is one of the things I was struggling with. :D The sci-fi part is rather difficult, I think mostly cus theres just too much info for me to put in. :)

Aye to that. I tried Sci-fi once and had the same problem. Quite difficult.

The spacing looks a lot better now.

~Azila~
  





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