Young Writers Society

Eric's eyes slowly fluttered open. Where was he? All he could see was a blue rippling bubble surrounding him. He tried to move his arm but found it impossible. He painfully turned his head to find what was pinning down his arm. Nothing. How does nothing pin down an arm that can bench 300 pounds? He looked at his feet. Nothing there either. As he moved his eyes toward his left arm he realized something. He was naked.

Where was he? Was this what death was? And where was his suit? Questions buzzed through his head. "I need to calm down..." He thought as he took a breath. A vile liquid filled his mouth and he screamed an inaudible scream. He began writhing in the sickening liquid trying to escape. This was the end. What a way to die.

A bright tear of light quickly cut the the blue above. The liquid all around him poured out, leaving him naked and shivering. He didn't realize that he was precariously perched on the edge of a table until it was too late. The exhaustion knocked him off the side and he plummeted a good two feet before he hit the cold ground.

"Ugh...ack.." He vomitted the vile liquid he had inhaled. He curled up in a ball and taking deep breaths. What ever had happened, he could take it.

"Hello there..." A strange pale being walked from around the table. It looked human, yet it didn't have a face. Nye's heart skipped a beat.

"Be not afraid. I am a friend." He extended his hand to Nye. "Here. Let's get you some decent clothes." Eric hesitantly grabbed it, wondering what disease he'd get.

----- ----- -----

"But the spiders...and the...." He was sitting at a crystaline table with the strange being, who's name was something like Zraba or something like that.

"We saved you. We have something...special planned for you." Nye leapt up.

"I'll kill you in an instant!"

"We're not going to hurt you. We have a great wonderful thing. You're going to be a hero."

I like the concept--however, the execution is a little jerky. He wakes up in a bubble o' goo, right? Was he in suspended animation in the stuff, or what? If he wasn't he'd have breathed in the nasty goo long before waking up.

Zraba speaks surprisingly fluent english--and in perfect dialect, too. Personally, I think you should make the speech either more broken or more practiced. "Let us get you some clothing," instead of "Let's get you some decent clothes."

The break you have in the small portion you have here seems rather superfluous, even detracting from the story a bit. I think, instead of copping out and basically saying "five minutes later..." I think you should write those five minutes out, detailing what is said and done during the time that Eric is recovering and getting dressed.

Your dialog seems a tad off. While Zraba speaks well, Eric seems almost alien to the languag--"I'll kill you in an instant!" Doesn't sound like something anyone would say. Add some power to it. "Don't touch me--you do and I'll friggin' kill you," sounds more human.

"We're not going to hurt you. We have a great wonderful thing. You're going to be a hero."

Another example of how Zraba speaks more causally than Eric. I think it would be better if you didn't use any conjunctions when writing for Zraba--"We are not going to harm you. We offer you a great, wonderful gift. You are to be a hero."--To me, this sounds more like an alien speaking a language that is not his own, than the use of slang devices like conjunctions. Make sense? PM me if you need more clarification.

--Hunter

this should be longer. i do like the opening with him in the pod or w/e he's in. i'm confused with how he got there though, and whats with the spiders? that's kindof random. this is pretty vage with the plot so far. i like the idea, but it should be expanded.

also

ill kill you in an instant

think about changing that. its awkward and its not believeable speech.

good luck and have fun with it.

You all of a sudden started calling the main character Nye. Is his name Eric or Nye?

Sounds a bit like either he was abducted by aliens or he is sometime in the future and they just brought him out. I didn't read the prologue yet so I'm not sure. I'll be sure to check into the prologue. But it does sound to me he's been abducted by aliens. For anything besides that, I didn't catch anything the others didn't. But I see into the other part. See ya in the chat when you're on.

His name is General Eric Nye. I use his last name so not to dull with my vocabulary.

I didn't put much work into this, kind of wrote it in five minutes at school in Computer class