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Silent Harmony-Chapter One



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Wed Sep 19, 2007 1:27 am
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Lini-chan says...



Chapter One

From the beginning, I heard it in my head. It was a strange sound I could never fully identify, so alien it was to me. Cascading waterfalls of sound that spiraled up and down in glittering waves filled my head whenever I met the eyes of anyone who lived in a different region of my world than I...the sounds plagued me.

You may know them as music.

But I lived in a society where music was forbidden and unknown to the general population, so I was alone in my struggles to comprehend what I had heard.

Strange words would echo in my head as I slept ... chord ... arpeggio ... octave...melody... Then I would awaken, having heard my name...


* * *

“All students of Augmen High School report to the General Hall for history class today; the main history lecture hall is being used for other purposes,” The scratchy, monotone intercom blared incessantly out of its grey speaker as Melody Arrenon attempted to balance her school books as she walked through the hall. She brushed back a long and silky lock of waist-length azure hair from her face, her blue eyes bleary because it was so early in the morning. She spent each day here, at Augmen High School, and nothing ever seemed to change. Each different region of Consiva, the nation she lived in, had its own seperate high school for the students who lived within each border. The region of blue, Augmen, was Melody’s home.

“Melodyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” She heard an all-too-familiar voice behind her, and turned to see her little sister barreling toward her from the end of the hall. “Wait up!”

Like every other human being in Augmen, her navy blue hair and eyes matched the trimmings sewn onto her school uniform perfectly. Her hair, unlike Melody’s, was short and tied up in a small ponytail that bobbed merrily as she walked.

“Kirya, don’t do that!” Melody staggered a bit as her books fell back into balance. Her sister, a freshman, had to be one of the most voracious and loud people Melody knew, and yet she never seemed to get in trouble for breaking school rules.

“But I can’t remember where the General Hall is...You’re a senior, you can show me where it is!” Kirya whined, tugging at Melody’s sleeve and nearly upsetting her books again. The students streaming around Melody stared as they passed, and she reddened.

“Kirya, can’t you just be quiet for one instant? You’re going to get punished one day!” Melody hissed, and gestured for Kirya to follow. “It’s this way.” Kirya pouted, but followed her all the same.

“I don’t see why we even have to go to history class...it’s the same thing every time,” Kirya grumbled, her eyes wandering aimlessly around the hall as randomly as a pendulum.

“Kirya, it’s what we’re supposed to do. Don’t question it. You should know by now that people are taken away is they protest anything that has been established. It’s just better to stay quiet,” Melody said in a low voice, glancing around a bit shiftily in case a teacher was listening.

They finally reached the stark steel doors that led to the General Hall, flashing our wrists in front of the scanners that verified our identities. Every citizen in Consiva had been installed with their own microchip when they were born for personal identifcation, and it was installed directly in the outside of the wrist.

Kirya’s gaze strayed to the very end of the hall where a locked door loomed ominously, but Melody tugged her away from it; students were never allowed to go into rooms not authorized by teachers.

The same sea of blue haired heads met Melody’s eyes as we entered, colored blue by genetic alteration at birth to enhance conformity and national pride. The door clicked shut, locking itself. In Consiva, all locks were controlled by Consiva Center, where the central government resided, and were activated by computers at certain times each day.

A sharp rapping of a yardstick on a podium caught the crowd’s attention just as Melody and Kirya settled into their seats. The two turned mechanically toward the speaker. A girzzled old man stood hunched with the yardstick in his hand, a lazy eye straying to the ceiling. His name was Salan, the leader of Augmen, and he was one of the most frightening people Melody had yet to encounter in her lifetime.

“If I am not mistaken, history class has begun,” Salan’s voice was surprisingly young for his appearance, deep and smooth like the inside of a steel bell. “Thank you. Seeing that it is the first day of the second semester, I will being with the formations of the regions of Consiva, such as our very own Augmen.”

“Here we go again...” Kirya yawned and closed her eyes.

“In the beginning, there were three original regions: Augmen, Dimin, and Zicato. Each region’s people were engineered of a different color- Augmen blue, Dimin red, and Zicato yellow. The authorities of Consiva kept the three separated by walls of stone so that the bloodlines of each would remain pure,” Did Salan make an emphasis on that particular word, or was it just Melody’s mind hearing weird things again?

"We have guests from each region today who will show you how different they are from our own Augmen. They have signed up for an exchange student program, and have been staying here for awhile. View them with pride of your own Augmen identity," Salan rapped his yardstick on the podium, and four citizens entered the room, two of Zicato and two of Dimin.

A tired man from each region held each a teenager within their grasp, and all four scowled. The Zicatoan youth, a girl, glared ferociously at the crowd, her golden eyes furious under a mass of curly blonde hair. The Diminian, a pale boy with shaggy crimson hair, glowered at the ground, not meeting the gaze of anyone.

"Say hello, Sonata!" Salan's voice was cheery and bright, which made the girl scowl even further.

"Hi," She said gruffly, her voice revealing her distaste for her current situation. The adult holding her kicked her swiftly in the shins, and she winced in pain.

"And you, Forte?" Salan smiled sweetly at the boy as if he were a doting grandfather.

"Hello," the boy nearly growled, his face as red as his hair with fury.

"He looks like a tomato," Kirya whispered, giggling. Melody elbowed her.

Sonata the Zicatoan scanned the crowd, and then suddenly locked eyes with Melody. Everything seemed to stop. Slowly escalating, those sounds once again filled Melody's ears like the roar of a helicopter slowly drawing toward her.

Melody could see Salan still talking and gesturing with his shabby yardstick, though no sound of his deep voice reached her ears. A heat slowly rose within her, and she felt herself slowly losing conciousness. In a last fight to stay awake, Melody wrenched her gaze away from the picture, clearing the sound from her head. She shook herself, trying to rid the last echos of the sound from her head. Suddenly Melody realized that nearly everyone, including Salan, was staring at her.

“Excuse me, girl? I asked you a question!” Salan glared at Melody, and she quailed beneath his eyes. “What was it you said? You spoke while I was in the middle of a lesson!”

“I...I...I didn’t say anything!” Melody felt her blood pressure rising and her face slowly turning as crimson as they eyes of the Diminian that now gazed placidly at her from the screen.

“...See me after the lecture. Immediately,” Salan said coldly, his voice flat like a sheet of ice. Melody nodded shakily, and sank into her seat in a vain attempt to hide. Kirya was staring dumbfoundedly at her, her eyes wide like sapphire dishes.

“I heard what you said...!” She whispered, almost so quietly that Melody could barely hear her. “ ‘Music...Consiva shall unite!’ What in the world did you mean by that? And what’s music?” For the life of her, Melody could not remember saying anything at all, especially not a word as strange as “music.”

“I...I..don’t know,” Melody felt at a complete loss for words, completely baffled. She tried to concentrate on the lecture again and put Salan’s threat out of her mind.

“Anyway, as I was saying before our little interruption, there were originally three regions- red, blue, and yellow. But unfortunately, some-“ Salan coughed rather theatrically at this point. “inbreeding occurred, and the results were the green, orange, and violet crossbreeds of Vivo, Issimo, and Molto, respectively. They grew in number so much that eventually Consiva granted them each independent regions to call their own,” Salan’s face darkened, and Melody felt anger rise in her throat. "You would do well not to mingle with them. "

In all her years of schooling, she had never had such a history lesson like this. Salan had spoken of the different regions before, but never so...scornfully as this. There was no word for what he was doing, and that fact distressed Melody even more so than the looming prospect of meeting him after class. Her thoughts raced, zoning out the lecture once again.

“Melody Arrenon!” A sharp voice jolted Melody out of her stupor, and I was then prodded by an equally sharp yardstick. “I said for you to meet me after class, did I not?”

“Yes, sir,” Melody said sheepishly, not meeting Salan’s eyes. She noticed that the foreigners had disappeared from the stage. The man grabbed her arm with a clawlike grip and pulled me forcibly down the hallway away from the flowing crowds. Melody met Kirya’s gaze for an instant, but then the girl was lost within the mass of swirling blue. Down the hallway they dashed, Salan running like a wolf about to catch prey. This man, he scared her. Salan seemed so old and worn out...but he seemed almost superhuman in his strength and voice. He sounded almost mechanical, almost like some sort of robot.

Man and girl strode further down the hall than Melody had ever been before, and uneasiness overtook her like a wave of frigid oil. The room at the end of the hallway had always been locked all throughout Melody’s memories, yet now it stood ajar, leading into empty blackness.

“Sir...where are you taking me?” Melody squeaked timidly, her hand throbbing now as Salan’s fingernails dug into her skin. Salan didn’t answer. Instead, he opened the steel door and tugged her through, the door slamming behind them and shrouding the room in darkness. There was a solitary click, and a dim light flickered weakly on, illuminating Salan’s face eerily like an ancient specter.

“Why did you speak that word?” Salan’s voice was hushed and urgent, his face masked in the dark.

“I did not realize I said anything. If I said something that was offensive, I apologize,” Melody said truthfully, careful to keep her voice emotionless.

“You lie, girl. ‘Music...Consiva shall unite.’ Consiva shall never be as one. We have always been divided; the creators made it so. They would not have it any other way, you wretch!” Salan’s voice escalated almost to a yell. “This trespass against the nation of Consiva and the conformity of Augmen shall not be forgiven! You will not be returning to your family; you will come with me and do as I bid.” Melody’s insides froze.

“W-What?! I can’t-“ Melody stammered, shaking.

“You will do as I say,” Salan glared dangerously at her. “I speak for Augmen in Consiva, and I have the right to do as I please with dysfunctional members of society. I already have in mind a place for someone like you...you’ll see soon enough.”

Two unearthly screams broke the silence that had just fallen, and Salan shot upward.

"Come with me. I'll decide your fate momentarily." And with that, the man dashed out of the dark room, pulling Melody along behind him.
Last edited by Lini-chan on Sat Oct 13, 2007 4:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sun Sep 23, 2007 10:35 am
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Vincent says...



whoa... that was awesome.
i love the idea and where this story is going.

you describe the character well, byt not the enviroment.
its like characters walking around in darkness with bits and pieces.
try describing it more.

i couldnt find any other mistakes, great job!

vince
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Mon Sep 24, 2007 11:04 pm
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Lini-chan says...



I'll try to describe the background more in the next draft. Thanks for the advice!
  





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Thu Oct 11, 2007 8:41 am
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chocoholic says...



This was really good. I don't read sci-fi or anythin, so I have no complaints about the plot or anything. I really liked it. Is there more up? I'll go check now. I hope there is.

Oh, there was some grammar mistakes that you should see if you just go through it in more detail. They're not major, but you might want to fix them up.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
  





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Thu Oct 11, 2007 7:51 pm
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Lini-chan says...



I'll post the next chapter come the weekend, because I'm so bogged down with homework right now that I don't have much time to. But it will be up soon!
  





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Fri Oct 12, 2007 2:26 am
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Kylan says...



This is an interesting idea. I like the concept, I liked your writing style, but I didn't like how you wrote it. The school reminds me too much of Hogwarts for some reason, with big, black iron doors and forbidden rooms. I would think that if a government was trying to eradicate idividualism and establish universal conformity, the school would be more...monotone. I'm thinking solid white walls, lessons directly from textbooks with content that is obviously spun to put the government in a good light, etc., etc.. And without music, melody would obviously live in a dull drab world. Be careful when writing soft science fiction. You need to throughly study out the human psyche and, in this case, socialist governments. Think 1984.

Of course, you write the story the way you'd like to. That's just my opinion.

I have a few questions:

1.) Why would the three children be named after musical terms?

2.) Why is the leader of the government teaching a history class?

3.) Why is Melody zoning out so often? It seems to me you just wanted to take the easy way out and skip to the action... :wink:

And I have a comment:

1.) You did a lot of info-dumping in this piece. Beware of this is SF because it will utterly destroy your story. Some of your ID worked, some of it didn't. My advice: edit out the majority of the technological related information (wrist chips) and at least some of the political demographics in salan's speech. Assume that your reader is bright enough to infer that wrist chips, for instance, are in one's wrist.


They finally reached the stark steel doors that led to the General Hall, flashing our wrists in front of the scanners that verified our identities.


You changed tenses. It's not "our", it's "their".

His name was Salan, the leader of Augmen, and he was one of the most frightening people Melody had yet to encounter in her lifetime.


Again, why is the leader of the country teaching a history class?

deep and smooth like the inside of a steel bell


You have a lot of nice similes in this piece. This is among the better ones. Nice.

Did Salan make an emphasis on that particular word, or was it just Melody’s mind hearing weird things again?


This is abitrary. Lots of my teachers place emphasis on certain words, but that doesn't mean they're especially important. Take out this sentence.

The adult holding her kicked her swiftly in the shins, and she winced in pain.


Why don't you give the adults a more "sophisticated" method of punishment? Like a Taser? Or maybe a shock collar-type gadget.

You spoke while I was in the middle of a lesson!”


This is obvious. The sentence is unneeded

Down the hallway they dashed, Salan running like a wolf about to catch prey.


Why are they running?


Anyway, nice job. I'll read ch.2 soon.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

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Fri Oct 12, 2007 4:42 am
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Fye says...



This was really quite brilliant! I loved it very much. Yes, you have several grammar, spelling and first/third person mistakes; all of which has been noted well enough already. :) Check your piece again thoroughly.

It was a strange sound I could never fully identify, so alien it was to me.

I was a bit confused here. I was wondering whether you meant just "So alien it was to me." or "So, alien it was to me." But I'm guessing you went for the first one. Probably a semi-colon would be better than a coma: "It was a strange sound I could never fully identify; so alien it was to me."

Each different region of Consiva, the nation she lived in, had its own seperate high school for the students who lived within each border. The region of blue, Augmen, was Melody’s home.

Wow, a whole nation, with only 6 high schools for 6 different regions? Small nation I suppose? Or else, ginormous high schools.

Like every other human being in Augmen, her navy blue hair and eyes matched the trimmings sewn onto her school uniform perfectly.

Hmm, after reading this I was curious to know how it matched her uniform as I didn't know how the uniform looked like. But you didn't mention it further. Aw, you destroyed my curiosity with disappointment! Not really a mistake here, just telling you what I thought at this point. ;)

“I don’t see why we even have to go to history class...it’s the same thing every time,” Kirya grumbled, her eyes wandering aimlessly around the hall as randomly as a pendulum.

Pendulums move randomly? I thought they only swing from left to right and right to left and left to right and.. well, you get the idea.

The same sea of blue haired heads met Melody’s eyes as we entered, colored blue by genetic alteration at birth to enhance conformity and national pride.

I thought it's.. regional pride? Lol.

Each region’s people were engineered of a different color- Augmen blue, Dimin red, and Zicato yellow.

Punctuation doesn't seem too good here. I'd prefer, "Augmen, blue; Dimin, red; and Zicato, yellow."

Salan seemed so old and worn out...but he seemed almost superhuman in his strength and voice. He sounded almost mechanical, almost like some sort of robot.

I think the word "almost" is a little too repetitive here.

“Sir...where are you taking me?” Melody squeaked timidly, her hand throbbing now as Salan’s fingernails dug into her skin.

I think it should be her arm throbbing. Ew, imagine him holding her hand instead! *laughs until falls off chair*

“You lie, girl. ‘Music...Consiva shall unite.’ Consiva shall never be as one. ..."

If the general society doesn't know the word, "music", what makes Salan think that she's lying since she herself will most probably not know that word, either. How sure is he that she knows it, just by hearing her say it?

Two unearthly screams broke the silence that had just fallen, and Salan shot upward.

Upward? Were they sitting down or something? I didn't know..

Wow, I think I was being too particular. It was a very nice story. And I'm very looking forward to chapter 2. Keep it up! (remember revise this chapter for the spelling, grammar and first/third person mistakes)

Fye
  





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Fri Oct 12, 2007 7:48 pm
Lini-chan says...



Thanks so much for critiquing it! You both caught a lot of things that I might have missed (i.e., the two "almost"s in one sentence. That was probably a typo on my part.), and noticed things I should clarify.

1.) Why would the three children be named after musical terms?

2.) Why is the leader of the government teaching a history class?

3.) Why is Melody zoning out so often? It seems to me you just wanted to take the easy way out and skip to the action...

These I'll make sure to explain better (especially number two, which, now that I think of it, seems quite odd. I'll get a reason for that.)

I'm glad you liked it! Again, thanks!
  





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Tue Oct 16, 2007 8:30 pm
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kshsj777 says...



I thought chapter one was pretty good. I like the idea of three different groups corresponding to the primary colors and the three other group made up of secondary colors. I also like the musical terms. I'm going to read Ch2.
  





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Fireweed says...



This is well-written, and a really interesting concept! Have you read [i]The Giver[/i] by Lois Lowry? This immediately reminded me of it-it's a similar idea, and an awesome book.

So, I don't really have anything negative, except that I was confused, like Kylan, as to why characters would be named for musical terms in a world devoid of music. You said it would become more clear when the plot develops- just make sure the reason is believable.

Very nice work. ^_^
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