Young Writers Society

Yes it is a prologue. I am going to finish up Dragon Marked and Shadow Flight for after the weekend. I need to do something ells for Friday. Chapter four will be up soon after the other two are up.

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Only one piece of advice can be given:

GET OUT!__________________________________________________________________________________________

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Private Mekki only survivor of squad 2115.
Date unknown.
Time unknown.
Zolith system, Montaris, southern polar region.
Deep inside secret underground facility.
Video recording
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Mekki’s body was shaking uncontrollably, causing the camera to wobble. He turned it to face him.

“I don’t know what is going on, nor do I care. All I know is that I want to go home, I’m almost totally out of ammo, and I will properly die here,” Mekki said, with his head in his hand he was on the verge of crying.

“Everyone else was killed by the monsters. I hope someone will get this because I think I have uncovered a clue to whatever is going on.” Mekki continued. He turned the camera to face a wall.

The wall was dark black, and had S.C.A.R’s insignia on it. Something was written across the wall in a red substance, It had to ether be blood or paint. The text wasn’t clearly written, but was still intelligible it read:

If anyone reads this GET OUT! Experiment 2234 has failed; the test subjects have gone berserk, and are nonresponsive to commands. Tell the Drakeo high command that E 2234 is evil. Have this place bombarded till it is nothing but ash, and have all evidence, and research related to E 2234 OBLITERATED. This is evil may the gods save us. If they get out we are DOOMED. Their only suspected objective is to kill at any cost. GET OUT! Your only hope if you aren’t already trapped is to GET OUT!

The words GET OUT! Were strewn across the wall, in every usable space.

Mekki pointed the camera back at himself.

“I’m scared, and want to go home…I can properly stretch my rations to four five days, but my ammo is too low to survive a fight. I will broadcast this video message on all frequencies at regular intervals. Please come get me out of here before you destroy this living hell,” Mekki broke down into tears. “Please…I want to go home…”

Whoa. I'll say that was intense!

First thing: please change rating to at least 12+, because of a certain bad word in it.

Again, I noticed a lot of punctuation mistakes. The biggest common error I saw were missing punctuation marks in the middle of sentences. They were almost never there. Just pointing that out to you...

Everyone ells else was killed

Something was written across the wall in a red substance.

OK, cool, but what is this red substance? Blood? I'm sorry, I just would like a bit more detail there.

and are none responsive nonresponsive to commands

OBLITORATED

should be 'obliterated'

Two words were repeated all over the wall, the words were GET OUT! Repeated in every usable space.

This section was a little wordy. I would advise saying something like: 'The two words GET OUT! were strewn all over the wall, repeated in every possible space.'

Oh, but I feel so bad for Mekki! I hope he survives this mess!

Anyway, very dark and suspenseful. I like it! Actually I like the whole series...so...anyway! Can't wait to hear more about the 'Drakeo high command', and I also am impatiently waiting for the rest of Chapter 4! Keep up the good work, Stealth. I'll be waiting...

I might take longer to finish off some other stuff, (for real life) so I decided to post a little bit more.

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The more you want something the more it hurts when you don’t get it…
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Private Mekki only survivor of squad 2115
Date unknown
Time unknown
Zolith system, Montaris, southern polar region
Deep inside secret underground facility
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Mekki just sat there in a corner, rocking back and froth like a scared child. He was staring at the shoddily barricaded door; he had placed a filing cabinet in front of the door to keep the monsters out.

Gunfire caught his ear.

Like a dog hearing its master return home he perked up and ran to the door.

“Hey anyone alive out there!” He asked. A moan answered his call, but it was cut short by gunfire. Mekki felt a strange surge of hope rush through him. Before he knew it he was shoving the filing cabinet barricade away from the door. It was a slow process, and the gunfire was getting closer. Mekki he thought he could hear voices. Flashes lit up the corridor, through the small opaque door window.

“Hello?” Mekki shouted. The cabinet stopped with a small scraping sound. The cabinet had got stuck on a loose tile. Mekki swore.

“Help!” He screamed hoping for someone to hear him. The gunfire continued. Mekki kept on pushing to no avail the tile had the cabinet truly stuck.

“Let me out!” Mekki screamed banging on the door. The gunfire was continuing but fading fast.

“Wait!” Mekki shouted from the bottom of his lungs.

The gunfire was fading.

“Please wait!” Mekki yelled.

The gunfire died away until it was almost to faint to her. Mekki slowly slid down the cabinet, wrapped his arms round his knees and cried. He knew even if he got the door open he wouldn’t survive out there for any time at all because of his ammo problem.

“I just want to go home,” Mekki sobbed.

Hi again! I'm just spewing out these reviews...

Private Mekki, only survivor of squad 2115

I suggest adding in the bolded comma and also capitalizing squad. It seems like an official part of something, so...

rocking back and froth like a scared child

Froth should be forth. Because froth means spit.

“Hey, anyone alive out there!” He asked.

Add in bolded comma. He shouldn't be capitalized. And if Mekki asked something, then the ending punctuation should be a question mark, not an exclamation point.

Flashes lit up the corridor, through the small opaque door window.

No need for comma.

The cabinet stopped with a small scraping sound. The cabinet had got stuck on a loose tile.

I think this might sound better: 'The cabinet stopped with a small scraping sound, having gotten stuck on a loose tile.'

“Help!” He screamed hoping for someone to hear him.

Here's what I advise saying: '"Help!" he screamed, hoping for someone to hear him.'

from the bottom of his lungs

I think you mean 'at the top of his lungs'.

almost totoo faint to herhear

That's what you meant, right?

He knew that even if he got the door open he wouldn’t survive out there for any time at all because of his ammo problem.

For any time at all is a bit awkward in this sentence. Taking it out helps the sentence sound more clear.

Anyway, great job! Your punctuation has improved so much. The cliffhangers are also excellent. I can't wait for some more to come out! Please keep writing the series. 'Cause you can be sure I'll be tearing up your parts, eagerly reviewing them as soon as possible! Hehe. Later.