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Rider of the Shadows: Pt 2



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Wed Jul 29, 2009 9:46 am
Daft Vader UK says...



Chapter2: Unread signal
Date: Late autumn, 2012
Location: Eliman-Elshafi; a click south of Cairo, Egypt

POV: Second lieutenant Tyne falcon
Ten years prior to the intrusion of Eastern Europe.

Second Lieutenant Tyne Falcon shivered as another cold blast of desert wind and layer of scolding cold ash, the by-product of a Russian blitzkrieg of nuclear arms in Northern Africa. Anyone stupid enough not to be wearing their filtered oxygen helmet right now would have half of their face burnt off, and become something unrecognisable as a human being.
He shivered again.
“You think that’s cold?” His team leader First lieutenant Price spat in his gruff Ukrainian accent “This isn’t cold. Sleeping soaked from head to toe at the dead of night with only pair of pants and an AK47 in the middle Siberian snowstorm is cold. This isn’t bloody cold Lieutenant. This isn’t bloody cold.”
Sergeant caught my eye and gave me the look. I knew what he meant; Price was one of those men who you could never get along with, however much you tried. He was well build and had a face which couldn’t decide whether to be Arian or Anglo-Saxon. With blond hair but deep brown eyes he could pass as neither.

Sergeant on the other hand was deep dark Anglo-Saxon, he had a thick as gravy American accent and was one of the nicest guys of the four man team. Their friendship had started when they were doing special ops in northern China, and Tyne had dragged Sergeant back to the rendezvous point. He had had a stab wound through his shoulder blade, and half of his foot blown off by a 50 cal. Sniper round.

But they had made it though, and he had saved Sergeants life.
Price broke the silence “Okay, our times up. Time to head back to Dome two”

The Domes were created in ’09 when the looming presence of nuclear war became an ever dominant threat. They weren’t designed to save a city from a direct nuclear bomb, but used to be able to set up a Dome with the circumference of about five to ten miles, to protect a large area from the effects of fallout; the aftermath of the explosion.

But in 2010 the idea was too expensive to protect every major city from here to San Francisco so the idea was scrapped. Instead the army used the Domes as a base of operations in the case of Fallout-based urban warfare.

In Cairo there were three Domes; Dome one and three were controlled by the joint French/Canadian led NATO force. And Dome two was being commanded by the British military, even though stubbornly the Brits had refused to hand the control over to the safe-guarding hands of NATO.
Sergeant unfolded the map out of his back pocket, crouched down by Captain Price who was kneeling down and checking his assault rifle. Tyne noted it was an AK47. Price seemed to refuse to use any type of other weapon.

“Here is our options sir” Sergeant began “We can either cut straight through the desert to the West get to Old Cairo, then we head up the Nile and cross over the bridge at Deir El Nahas, where we will be straight in the vicinity of Dome two
“Or we could head straight north up to El Zarayib, but if you want my opinion, that’s cutting it close way to close to the Citadel, but I don’t fancy a walk though the desert either”

During the Fallout period Egyptian rebel forces had set up in major places in Cairo, like the disused water pumps to the north or the Citadel, used for the old Egyptian royal family. These places had been proved difficult for the army to get control of the city.

“Kyle, I need you to call command and ask if there any other way round to get to Dome 2, or if there is any chance of a pick up.

Kyle was the fourth member of the team; he was stocky and had close shaven hair with a wide chin and a short beard.

“I’ll try sir” he replied “these desert winds might get in the way of the signal”
Kyle then tapped on his walkie-talkie and lifted a cable about a foot long and screwed it onto the back, then flicked it on and waited until the flashing red light on the display turned green, then dimmed slightly. He hesitated.

“So what are you waiting for?” shouted Price “Is there a signal?”

Kyle looked taken aback by Price’s outburst but eventually replied.
“It’s a bit touch and go sir, there is a high chance that we’ll be able to get through, but I wouldn’t be so sure. I have no idea what radiation does to my equipment.”

Kyle then held down the rubber orange button and the light on the display turned from green to bright yellow.
“We’re through.” Kyle declared

Price grabbed the Walk-Talkie off him like a school bully taking candy and held down the orange button. He spoke clearly and slowly into the transmitter.

“To Dome two command this is Team bravo seven, this is Team bravo seven to Dome two command.” A harsh crackling at the other end of the receiver answered him then the voice of a young woman spoke back through to Price.

“Team bravo seven this Dome two command I hear you loud and clear, please state you intentions over”

“We have finished our recon mission round south of the Citadel, we were wondering if a pickup was available.”
A pause and then;

“That’s a negative Team bravo seven; you are way too close to the Citadel to risk loosing any choppers. You’ll have to make your own way back-”

“Are you sure there aren’t any other alternatives.” Price clenched his fist, one of the things he did before he through his anger phrases. “We need to know now. Over”

“Umm… Bravo Seven there is a Friendly sniper team half a mile south of your position, a problem shared is a problem halved. Over”

Price sighed and responded, “OK, thanks. I hope our problem is halved. Over and out.”
“Likewise. Over and out.”

Price wasted no time and contacted the sniper team future south. They revealed themselves to be a NATO/Canadian Special Forces reconnaissance unit of two people; a sniper and a spotter, Code named ‘Sparrow’ and ‘Hawk’.

Sergeant jokingly said to Price that he thought that Command said we would be meeting friendlies. But all he received for that was an ice cold stare from Price and a taking it to far look from Tyne.

You didn’t have to be a logistics officer to know that tolerance between the NATO force and the British was thin, and could snap any moment.

Then Tyne ran through the options with the sniper team, and they also agreed that we were stuck in Eliman-Elshafi if we couldn’t find an alternative route back.

“Wait a minute guys” Kyle suddenly spoke up “I’m getting a lot of chatter from an unknown location about a few hundred metres directly to our East.”

“Unknown chatter?” Sergeant asked

“Yes sir, I can’t translate it. But it seems to be in a mixed coded Egyptian and an unknown third party.”

“Unknown third party?” Price asked

Kyle nodded.
“If its Egyptian is probably hostile.” Hawk declared

“What makes you think that?” Tyne replied

“We shut down all but NATO radio frequencies.”
Then Hawk corrected himself “All but British and NATO frequencies”

Tyne looked at Hawk for a moment and wondered whether the mistake was intentional or not.
Price broke the silence; “Anyway, regardless of the unknown third party, we should check it out. It could be something important.” Sergeant nodded in agreement.

“I don’t like the idea sir of going into a seemingly hostile zone.” Tyne said. “We’re completely unprepared and have no idea what we will be encountering. And the third party; well sir… I just have a really bad feeling…”

“Lieutenant.” Price began “I respect your judgement, but we’re going to check this out, otherwise we’ll have shit-boa to deal with if Command finds this is something that we overlooked just because we wanted to get back to the safety of Dome 2.”

Tyne nodded and followed Price through the maze of broken houses with Sergeant slowly walking backwards with his scoped assault rifle trained on the broken windows; the most likely site if in doubt of an enemy ambush.

Hawk and Sparrow dropped back and looped round the team to make sure they weren’t being followed while Kyle went ahead with his silenced USP-40 pistol held firmly in both hands ready to be used at a moments notice.

They kept on walking, the sounds of their footsteps barely audible on the sandy floor against the noise of the continuous howling winds.

Kyle suddenly stopped and held up the palm of his hand then clenched it into his fist, and the team immediately stopped and was completely silent.

Tyne crouched and listened. A few seconds later the sound of two muffled voices could be heard not twenty metres away.

“Enemy patrol.” Kyle whispered

“Shit” Price replied “Stick to the shadows”

Tyne hid in the shadow of an abandoned market square, just as the patrol went past. A single bead of sweat trickled down Tyne’s cheek.

When the danger had passed the team climbed up a ridge and looked over the cliff to the source of the signal.

“Jesus Christ” Sergeant says as he looked town. “The place is swarming with insurgents”
Price looked up and said “We’re gonna need one thing”
“Sir?” Tyne replied

“Air support”


For Pt. 1: topic34697.html
  





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Mon Aug 31, 2009 4:56 pm
KayKel16 says...



“This isn’t cold. Sleeping soaked from head to toe at the dead of night with only pair of pants and an AK47 in the middle Siberian snowstorm is cold. This isn’t bloody cold Lieutenant. This isn’t bloody cold.”

First off, brr. Second of, after cold (third sentence) I would put a comma. When you say something, then add a person, please add a comma before the person.

He was well build and had a face which couldn’t decide whether to be Arian or Anglo-Saxon.

Your use of build doesn't work with your sentence. Try built.

Sergeant on the other hand was deep dark Anglo-Saxon, he had a thick as gravy American accent and was one of the nicest guys of the four man team.

After Sergeant place a comma, then another after hand. It's an ancendot, on the other hand anyways.

He had had a stab wound through his shoulder blade, and half of his foot blown off by a 50 cal.

You have two had's. Remove one please, and it was just a typo :]

Price broke the silence “Okay, our times up. Time to head back to Dome two”

After silence, place a comma. I know, I know, you're thinking 'What in the world is with her and commas', right? Ha. Oh well, my English teacher was obsessive. Let's keep going.

They weren’t designed to save a city from a direct nuclear bomb, but used to be able to set up a Dome with the circumference of about five to ten miles, to protect a large area from the effects of fallout; the aftermath of the explosion.

Way too long of a sentence. After miles put a period, and I would change the 'to protect...' like this: Protecting a large area from the effects of fallout, the aftermath of the explosion. What do ya think?

But in 2010 the idea was too expensive to protect every major city from here to San Francisco so the idea was scrapped.

After 2010 and San Francisco put a comma.

“Here is our options sir” Sergeant began “We can either cut straight...

I cut off your sentence here because nothing was wrong with the rest. But capitalize sir and put a comma afterwards. I would see if putting a period after began.

“Kyle, I need you to call command and ask if there any other way round to get to Dome 2, or if there is any chance of a pick up.

Forgot a quotation mark at the end of up.

“I’ll try sir” he replied “these desert winds might get in the way of the signal”

Capitalize sir and place a comma after. Period after replied. Capitalize these, period after signal.

“It’s a bit touch and go sir, there is a high chance that we’ll be able to get through, but I wouldn’t be so sure. I have no idea what radiation does to my equipment.”

Forgot to capitalize sir again.

“We’re through.” Kyle declared

Period after declared.

“To Dome two command this is Team bravo seven, this is Team bravo seven to Dome two command.”

I've noticed this about your Domes. They are names of places or spots, correct? The numbers need to be capitalized as well as the dome. It'll look like this: Dome Two. Same with team bravo, it's a group and needs to be capitalized. Like this: Team Bravo Seven.

“Are you sure there aren’t any other alternatives.” Price clenched his fist, one of the things he did before he through his anger phrases.

Your first sentence needs to have a question mark, not a period.

“Wait a minute guys” Kyle suddenly spoke up “I’m getting a lot of chatter from an unknown location about a few hundred metres directly to our East.”

After guys put a comma, period after up.

“Unknown chatter?” Sergeant asked

Period after asked.

“Yes sir, I can’t translate it. But it seems to be in a mixed coded Egyptian and an unknown third party.”

Capitalize sir, please and thank you!

“Unknown third party?” Price asked

Period after asked.

“If its Egyptian is probably hostile.” Hawk declared

“What makes you think that?” Tyne replied

“We shut down all but NATO radio frequencies.”

Then Hawk corrected himself “All but British and NATO frequencies”

The first two sentences need a period after the replied and declared. The last sentence needs a comma after himself.

“I don’t like the idea sir of going into a seemingly hostile zone.” Tyne said. “We’re completely unprepared and have no idea what we will be encountering. And the third party; well sir… I just have a really bad feeling…”

Period instead of comma after zone.

“Lieutenant.” Price began “I respect your judgement, but we’re going to check this out, otherwise we’ll have shit-boa to deal with if Command finds this is something that we overlooked just because we wanted to get back to the safety of Dome 2.”

Comma instead of period after Lieutenant, comma after began.

“Enemy patrol.” Kyle whispered
“Shit” Price replied “Stick to the shadows”

Sentence number one, comma after patrol period after whispered. Sentence two, comma after "Shit" period after replied. Period after shadows.

“Jesus Christ” Sergeant says as he looked town. “The place is swarming with insurgents”

Price looked up and said “We’re gonna need one thing”

“Sir?” Tyne replied

Sentence number one, comma after Christ. Period after insurgents. Sentence number two, comma after said and a period after thing.

___________

I found this really interesting, although I'm not really a fan of war type writing. I found all the punctuation and grammar errors that I could, please fix them. I know it seems like I've used 'Put Comma Here' alot, but I was taught quite alot about punctuation :P

Keep writing!
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
-James Dean
  








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