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Resurrection - part 1



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Gender: Female
Points: 1460
Reviews: 15
Tue Jul 21, 2009 9:23 pm
Aina says...



The title is only the working title. I would really appreciate it it anyone has suggestions. But you probably can't determine from this part what everything is going to be about.
____________________________
Chapter 1

Stacy frowned at the Marlown Daily, it seemed that last nights adventure had not gone unnoticed.

Man With Two Lives?
Late last night the police was confronted with a curious murder case in Marlown. A few minutes after ten the police received a call from a frightened woman that two men were fighting each other with knives in the alley beneath her bedroom window. Five minutes later a man reported murder at the same scene.
When the police arrived at the crime scene the murderer was found lying under his victim with a severely wounded knee. He appeared to be under great shock. A few minutes later the witness came down to talk to the police. She too seemed to be under great shock. Both were taken to the police station.
According to the witness the following happened:
The murderer killed the victim by stabbing him. While he was laying down the body it came back to life, stabbed the murderer into the knee, called someone with the murderer cell phone and dropped dead on top of the murderer.
“At first I could not believe such an impossible story, but it agrees with what the murderer him self told us. He even claims the victim called the police,” says Detective Johnson.
First investigations of the corpse have shown that he was killed with a knife through his heart. Family members of the victim claim that the second call the police station received could have been the victim himself. Currently a voice recognition program is being run over the call to find out if the caller was indeed the victim.
The police are trying to find out what happened last night. Can the victim have had two lives? Is a cwin at work here? Or are the witness and murderer only confused? “Currently we are considering every possibility,” Detective Johnson responded to our inquiries.


“What is it?“ asked Marie from across the table.
“Have you read the morning paper jet?“ said Stacy.
“No.”
“Here,” she handed Marie the paper.
Marie’s eyes widened while she read through the article. “This is not good.”
“I agree.”
Katie was looking back and forth between the two of them.
“Can someone tell me what is going on?“ she asked her mouth full of toast.
Marie looked at her twin sister disgusted. “A man was murdered in Marlown. They think cwins are involved.”
That caught not only Katie’s but the entire table’s attention.
“There has been a murder in Marlown and they think cwins were the murderers?“ Elena an incredibly curious girl from their class asked.
“Not exactly, here read for yourself,” Marie handed her the paper. Elena looked at the article.
“Oh my, how exciting!“ she handed the paper further down the table. “I wonder what kind of cwins they will find this time, if they look for them. Remember last time? They found a pair that could hear a whisper from a mile away and were making good money searching for lost pets and people. They were not involved in the case but it was interesting all the same.”
“I do not think they acted correctly in that case,” Veronica put in. “Cwins are dangerous and it is immoral for them to use their powers to gain an advantage over others. They should have made those cwins give up their job and go to prison.”
“Why?“ asked Elena with childish wonder in her voice. “It is not their fault they are what they are. It’s their parents. And they were doing no harm.”
Veronica chose to ignore that.
“Just leave her,” laughed Katie. “Veronica has got a problem with cwins. We all know that.”
Veronica raised her dark eyebrows. “Don’t laugh at me. I am 100% sure that you and Marie are cwins.”
Katie only laughed harder which made her blonde curls dance around her head.
“A, you can’t just assume that every pair of identical twins is a pair of cwins,” she squeezed out between laughs, “and B, being a cwin is no crime, at least on Venun.”
“I heard it is hard to be a cwin on Sehras,” said Marie.
“Why?“ asked Stacy in her quiet manner.
“Tyranny of the mine owners. They are trying to force cwins to work for them.”
“I told you cwins were dangerous,” Veronica said triumphantly.
Everyone ignored her.
“I feel sorry for them. I wouldn’t want to be forced to work for anyone,” said Stacy so quietly she might as well have been talking to herself.
Only Katie who was sitting next to her heard. “Don’t worry about it. And ignore Veronica you know she is envious of cwins.”
Stacy nodded.
“It is because of people like her that I spent my entire time moving form one place to another, until I was six,” she sighed and at the same time made sure none could hear her.
“Don’t complain to me. I moved far more often. This school is the only place we have managed to stay more than a year.”
“I know I am complaining to the wrong person. But it is annoying anyway.”
“I agree.”
“Sometimes I wonder how we can be friends with Veronica.”
“Perhaps because she is nice once you get past her prejudices?”
Stacy had to laugh at that. “Probably.”
“What are you laughing at?“ Elena immediately demanded.
“That we can manage to be friends with someone like Veronica,” Stacy said.
Even Veronica had to laugh at that.
“Did you hear that David Young is free now? He broke up with Linda,” Elena exclaimed.
“No I did not,” said Veronica who was promptly very interested. “What happened?”
“Apparently he told Linda that he does not like that she changed herself because of him and that he thinks Stacy looks much more attractive than her anyway.”
“Me? He can’t be serious,” said Stacy very much surprised.
“But of course you are attractive. You are petite in a pretty way and your long, straight, dark brown hair with the bangs that fall above your eyes are something most girls in this school are envious of,” replied Elena.
“Yes, and you have very pretty eyes,” added Marie.
“No. My eyes are too large and my mouth and nose are too small. I look like an anime girl,” protested Stacy.
“Nonsense, anime girls eyes do not look sad all the time,” Veronica threw in.
“That is absolute nonsense. You look perfectly normal,” said Marie a second before Stacy could say: “No need to be envious Veronica. He’s not my type anyway. He’s more Kira’s type.”
“By the way, while we are talking about Kira: You need to invite us to meet your family,” said Marie.
“Yes, I agree,” said Katie. “I am burning to meet your twin.”
Veronica nodded her head. “I hope your brothers are good looking.”
Everyone laughed. It was so typical of Veronica to think of that first.
“I’m not a good judge on that subject. But I think most people think Max is good looking. But it would be sheer luck if you met him. He is studying to be a technician on Earth,” Stacy said smiling.
“Too bad. What is Kian like?” Veronica demanded.
“I don’t think he’d be your type.”
“Why?”
“Most people think he is involved with the wrong people,” explained Stacy.
Veronica waited for more but Stacy kept silent.
“I guess I will just have to meet him,“ she decided.
With that the bell rang to remind them that it was only half an hour until class started.
“Oh my, we should go get our Stuff,” Marie said surprised.
With that they took their breakfast dishes to one of the little metal wagons set aside for the students to put their dirty dishes on. The five of them went through the glass tunnel connecting the cafeteria to the main building.
“We’ll see you in class,” called Elena as she and Veronica left in a different direction than the twins and Stacy did. The three of them walked to the end of a corridor of classrooms. There they took the stairs up two levels to where the dorms where. All dorms were on the third and fourth floor. Classrooms and assembly rooms were on the two levels below. They walked along the hall to their room.
“You know,” Marie said while Stacy took out her keycard, “I was serious at breakfast. I would really love to get to know your family better. See if your parents are like mine. And how your brothers treat the two of you. I mean what effects it has that you are … different.”
Stacy did not answer to that. After these five years she still was in the habit of revealing little of herself to anyone. Even to her two best friends who she could trust with anything. She still was shocked when she thought of her actions back then. She assumed that she had been in desperate want of friends to act like that.
"Do you choose the path you walk upon or does it choose you?" - Abhorsen by Garth Nix

(freely translated form the language I read it in)
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 11
Wed Jul 22, 2009 5:28 am
Kyla/Marie says...



Aina wrote:
The murderer killed the victim by stabbing him. While he was laying down the body it came back to life, stabbed the murderer into the knee, called someone with the murderer['s] cell phone and dropped dead on top of the murderer.


Aina wrote:Marie looked at her twin sister disgusted. “A man was murdered in Marlown. They think cwins [what does this word mean?] are involved.”
That caught not only Katie’s but the entire table’s attention. [odd sounding sentence. maybe re-word]

Aina wrote:“There has been a murder in Marlown and they think cwins were the murderers?“ Elena[,] an incredibly curious girl from their class[,] asked.


Aina wrote:“But of course you are attractive. You are petite in a pretty way and your long, straight, dark brown hair with the bangs that fall above your eyes are something most girls in this school are envious of, [a little odd for a someone to say. maybe just re-work it where Marie's just saying something about her being petite and having dark hair. Then you can specify out of quotes how she wears her hair] ” replied Elena.


Aina wrote:“Nonsense, anime girls['] eyes do not look sad all the time,” Veronica threw in.
“That is absolute nonsense [that word was just used. maybe use another one to avoid sounding repetative]. You look perfectly normal,” said Marie



Really great start. I really want to read more. Like, now. =]
We've got a fantasy affair
We didn’t get wet. We didn’t dare.
Our aspirations are wrapped up in books
Our inclinations are hidden in looks
(Wrapped Up In Books- Belle and Sebastian)
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 17
Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:19 am
amatuli says...



Your story could be really good if you spiced it up a bit, right now it doesn't flow very well and I got bored after the first sentence. You want to capture your audience at the beginning. Put a bit more description in there, what did the men look like that were knife fighting? What did the woman who called the police look like? How about the buidings, were there bushes or garbage cans or something blocking the guys from sight? What was the woman doing before she saw them? You want the story to be as belivable as humanly possible, read it aloud and see if it sounds good. Your read it to your friends or family, they can be a big help to. :)

You have potential so don't think I'm just being mean or anything, I want you to be an awesome writer.
  








Despite everything, it's still you.
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