Young Writers Society

I remember the day the Ultraphone was recalled. It was about two weeks after I thought I had the flu, and about one week after I thought I was going crazy. Or at least needed ten elephant crap loads of help. It was also three weeks after Christmas, which would be the day I got my own, fancy do-everything Ultraphone. Not to mention it was orange, which is no doubt the best color in the world.

Even with its touch screen, full out keyboard, super zoom camera, MP3 capabilities, internet access, webcam, access to television shows, GPS, and an unknown amount of other applications. Oh, and did I mention the fact that it’s completely hand free? Yep, you just put it next to your ear, and tada. It’ll just hover right against your ear leaving your hands open to do whatever you would want with. It was the coolest thing since sliced bread. I begged my parents for it for months, ever since Lacey Norton got one. I wasn’t sure if they’d get me one since you had to pay a fortune plus your first born child for it.

It was so not worth it.

Er, is this it?

Hm. And you mean to continue it? This is supposed to launch us into your story, your novel? There isn't much here to review really. There was an awkward sentence or two, but that doesn't matter much in the long run and I'm sure you'll pick it up when you edit this.

I mean, its sorta interesting.

I assume something out of the ordinary is going to occur because of the phone and that behind it all will be some kind of message against our ever growing consumerism. I think there should be a little more, but that's just me.

An interesting beginning,
good work

Cheers

What the hell are you going on about?
What is this ultraphone that you speak of. You don't explain that and you simply tell us some things it does. I haven't a clue what you were talking about for half of this story!

and about one week after I thought I was going crazy. Or at least needed ten elephant crap loads of help

I think what you are trying to say is that the phone made you go crazy but what is with the elephant crap bit!! You talk nonsense!!
Im sorry but i hate it. Quit while your ahead and scrap the story as it is just jibberish!!!
An Ultraphone that makes you crazy on elephant crap!!!
What were you thinking?
Sorry to be brutal but...
Dan

Hey KM,
Good start for a story. I don't know if it could pass as a prologue, but if you keep writing and kind of explain the situation, it sounds like it could be a very good story. It looks like you've got some good writing potential. Can't wait for more!

Vet