Young Writers Society

Book is Being Redone, Sowe

This is a really enjoyable read, especially for me as I previously didn't know anyone who has read The Zombie Survival Guide (aside from one friend who read it because I recommended it, but didn't think much of it).

I've noticed that on a few occasions you have switched from present tense (which seems to be the tense you intend to write this in) and past tense. I'm assuming this wasn't deliberate-if it was then I can't understand why! The tense switching was quite frequent, so you might want to go over the whole thing to change it.
There was also another tiny grammatical error (lack of an apostrophe mark), but when I looked for it having finished reading the story I couldn't find it! Anyway, it's hardly a story-ruining error (I'm guessing it was a typo), so I shouldn't worry too much about it.

I have to say, the suspense you built up at the end was just evil. In a good way.

hey, its eli, glad you finally made an acount.

1. whoever has NOT read the zombie survival guie will die whenthe infection reaches us. I have read and will be laughing at all you fools who havent.

2. Nice story so far. check spelling, there were a couple of times where there was a word that was just missing a letter or something like that. other than that not bad.

3. I also noticed the change in tense and this might be because two people are writing the story so just make sure that you both communicate about which tense you will use (i realize it may have been only one of you writing this in that case just look over it)

4. nice start so far and i am not trying to be meen, not in any way, but the story takes place in america from what youve told me, but the names are not something that would be found here, even two years after the outbreak. like i said just nit picky but not a real issue.

5. I would recomend seperating the last paragraph from the rest because i dont think it is connected to him sleeping, but thats another nit picky thing. Good luck with the rest and i hope you get to finish it.

P.S. YAY!! i have a character in the story (Roland case you're wondering)!!!!

I thought your story was awesome. I'm new, so i havent done much here yet, but from wwhat some of my friends try to write, this is amazing, it is crazy awesome, I love your story!!!!

Hi! I know that I am not a moderator or the person to be doing this but you need at least two reviews to a post. Other than that it was okay.

Hey there Freeman, and welcome to YWS. I hope you will enjoy your stay here.

It was a chilly afternoon, staring out at the blood red sunset, tinting the sky pink and purple.

Chilly how? Show it more.

Gazing out at the mountains shrouded in mist, the trees changing their colors, some bright and vibrant red and others a dull yellow.

There are two problems with this sentence. Firstly, how is the first clause connected with the second? It doesn't. You are talking about gazing the mountains in the first clause, but in the second, it's about how threes are changing colour. Secondly, trees changing colours? Are you talking about the leaves that are on the trees or the actual tree itself changing colour? Be clearer here.

The only thing that seems to keep me going. the only light in this world that has been thrown into internal darkness.

Cliche. Find some other way to express the idea that Alyx is dear to the narrator's heart. Using light and darkness as an allegory is overused in literature.

She shows me that there I still a point to existence, that there is such a thing as love and hope, in a world consumed by hatred and death.

This is a grand, sweeping statement. Is the world really consumed by hatred and death, or there are positive aspects to it?

My time spent sitting here seemed like an eternity, I began to drift off, when Roland came behind me, “It’s almost dark, we should be heading back to camp.”

Eternity? Kind of exaggerated don't you think?

He responded in accord, “Ryan, it’s been two years since she passed away, in this world it’s important to move…”

Nix "in accord".

As we walked through the forest, being careful to be quiet, trying to avoid leaves and branches.

This sentence is grammatically incorrect. This is because there is no dependent clause in this sentence.

Sara loved fall, it was her favorite time of the year. She died two years ago, today… I still blame myself for it, I miss her smile. I wish she could see the leaves…

Why? Elaborate.

We see the dull glooming lights of fires coming from the camps center and from inside some of the buildings.

Mention the colour of the light to create a stronger visual picture. If you have experienced a camp fire before, it radiates an orange-yellow coloured light that can be easily distinguished.

It’s already become dark in the short walk to camp.

It became dark during our short walk to camp.

Now the only light that shines is the dim glow of the camp.

State the source of the light as camps themselves do not glow.

We walk up and are immediately recognized by the sentries. We have a relatively small group, around 25 members, 14 male, 11 female. Most of the group is in their late 20’s to early 40’s. We have one woman of 54 and a man who’s 65. We have 3 young children, Aaron who’s 12, Liz and Tommy, are six, and seven. And then we have my lovely daughter, Alyx, she’s now 17, she was born soon after the virus first broke out. She looks as beautiful as her mother did at 17, her short, dark hair; she has her mother’s smile, and her deep, glowing brown eyes.

Show, don't tell. Give examples.

Shavo, also a close friend of mine since I was little, his long, pale face flickers in the movement of the fire. He wears a long black coat similar to mine, his long dark hair, slightly more so than mine, reaches halfway down his back, which is almost always tied back. When you talk to him you can never know what he’s thinking or feeling, even when you really know him. I know how he’s feeling by his movements the way he looks at things and what he says. But even then, he can be a mystery at times. I sat down next to him as I watched Enid put more wood in the fire. Her dark blond red highlighted hair put into a ponytail. Dangling from her neck was a chain I have never seen her without holding two key shaped pendants, one white and one black. Her dirty t-shirt and jeans were very contrasting to her caring personality. She is a good leader at heart, but has been discouraged from it since high school. Sometimes she’s very day dreamy and scatterbrained but when it gets down to it she’s reliable in a pinch. Enid turns to me with those blue eyes and says,

Again, you are dumping information onto us. Show, don't tell. For example, if Enid is a good leader, give examples where she demonstrated leadership.

Overall impressions:

First thing that I noticed while reviewing this is that this piece seems to split into two. For the first half of the piece, you were focusing on the narrator's life, but in the second half, its more focused on the zombies and the operation to deal with this scourge. The shift is rather sudden and creates quite a disturbance in the flow of the narrative. I suggest that you try to transition those two parts more successfully or get rid of the start.

Now for the crunch of this critique. I couldn't sympathize with your narrator nor would other experienced readers during the first half of the piece. The reason for this is that your narrator doesn't seem to care much other than for himself and for his lost love. It's acceptable to have that in a blog, but not in literature. With literature, your role as the author is to help the audience search for meaning through your work. However, if the narrator himself only views the world from one point of view, then it places great restrictions as to what the audience can get out from reading your novel. Cliches do not add anything new to your writing either. With that said, you seem to portray love as a "life or death" matter. It is not. Love is simply one aspect of life. Don't exaggerate the theme of love like that as it is highly unrealistic and quite silly. Your making the voice of the narrator seem juvenile as a result.

You also tend to "tell more than show" in this piece. This makes the writing seem a bit bland as a result. When you are describing or characterizing someone, give specific and relevant examples and descriptions to give the audience the impression that's in your mind. Also, I would like more sensory imagery in this. If you haven't been to a forest before, it has this very rich smell to it. Use your experiences to help create a picture for the audience.

Alright, that's all I have to say for now. I hope this critique has helped.

Good luck.

Andy.

I want to thank you guys for the criticism and help with grammatical errors, it really helps sometimes. I want to point out that the emotions are a bit exagerated because Ryan is an emotional person. It is not juvenile to love someone. Maybe you wouldn't know. I would also like it if critics could be a bit more sensitive as to not discourage me or my boyfriend from writing further. We are both not confident about our writing skills, and since im writing most of it it discourages me more. I do take the criticism very seriously and try to use it to my advantage, but if I think the critic is being a bit too mean I tend to not take the criticism seriously. It is a fault of mine and I'm working on it. As much as these spotlights on the flaws of my work are hurtful they are also in there own way helpful. I will try to be more detailed and try to work on my grammar (which is my weakest point). Thanks for the help, and try to be nice about it.