Young Writers Society

Okay. This isn't my best book ever. Kind to think of it, I never wrote a good book. Ah well...

Romonin chronicles
Prologue

The moon was full. Its light teasing the darkness. The fog blinded the man’s sight.
“Damn fog” he said to himself when he realized that he was breathing in heavy. He carried a briefcase.

“So heavy” he thought. The sound of the roaring sea was massive. Wave after wave bashed against the pier.

“Damn it! Where are they?”

He was sweating tremendously. Was it from the heat? No. It was cold as death! Was it from stress? Probably, he just stole something important that could get him killed if he was caught.

“No” He thought. “It was because of them.”

He checked his watch. “12:30” he frowned. “They are late.” He sighed.

The fog started to lift up.
While looking up he saw a man from afar. It looked like if he was trying to catch fish.
“Fish?” He asked himself. “At half past twelve in the morning?
He must be really desperate.” the man guessed.

As he looked back onto the vast sea, he saw a small light from afar.
“It’s them.” He said, relieved. Slowly but surely the light became larger, as did the figure on which it shown. A faint outline of a small unstable boat formed.
“You’re late!” the man shouted.
“Nasty storm.” a voice on the boat replied. It almost sounded Russian.
“Then we better get this over with.” the man replied.

He waited until the boat was at a complete stop. They threw him a rope. He dropped the briefcase and grabbed it, then tying it against a sturdy-looking post. The half Russian climbed out of the boat.
“The briefcase?” the Russian asked.
Without hesitation, the man turned around to pick up the suitcase, but was in a state of panic when he discovered that the briefcase was missing.
“That’s it.” he said. “I’m done for.”

He heard a gunshot, followed by a slashing sound from behind him. As he turned, a squirt of blood hit the man on his cheek. The Russian slowly fell to the ground.

The man’s heart was beating rapidly. His face turned pale. His eyes brightened.
“W-Who are you?” he struggled to say.
The assailant made a small sly grin.

Hey!

Someguy wrote:Okay. This isn't my best book ever. Kind to think of it, I never wrote a good book. Ah well...

Romonin chronicles
Prologue

The moon was full. Kind of clichéd; not the best way to start a story. Its light teasing the darkness. The fog blinded the man’s sight. The second two sentences could be joined into one; for example ... Its light teased the darkness, trickling through the thick bank of fog to illuminate the figure of a man.
“Damn fog” [red=color](thoughts should be in italics, not quotation marks. Save those for dialogue.[/color] he said to himself when he realized that he was breathing in heavy. Consider changing to: breathing heavily. He carried a briefcase. [color=red] [Avoid telling rather than showing wherever possible. How is it important that he has a briefcase? Why do you need to mention it. Show us his annoyance at its weight, or how it is chaffing his skin, or something. Make it important. Make it matter.]

“So heavy” he thought. Unrealistic. The sound of the roaring sea was massive. Wave after wave bashed against the pier. [color=red] [Could you think of a better word than 'bashed'? Maybe smashed, or crashed, or something.] =p

“Damn it! Where are they?”

He was sweating tremendously. Was it from the heat? No. It was cold as death! [You can better those phrases by saying something along the lines of: He was sweating tremendously despite the cold.] Was it from stress? Probably, [make that comma a semicolon] he just stole something important that could get him killed if he was caught.

“No” [put a comma after 'no'] He thought. “It was because of them.” Put his thoughts in italics.

He checked his watch. “12:30” [put a period after 12:30] he frowned. “They are late.” He sighed. [Would be more realistic if he said "they're" instead of "they are".]

The fog started to lift up.
While looking up he saw a man from afar. It looked like if he was trying to catch fish.
“Fish?” He asked himself. “At half past twelve in the morning?
He must be really desperate.” the man guessed. Okay, this is really weird. A man standing in the lifting fog in the middle of the night talking to himself?

As he looked back onto the vast sea, he saw a small light from afar.
“It’s them.” He said, relieved. Slowly but surely the light became larger, as did the figure on which it shown. [On which is shown?] A [change 'A' to 'The'] faint outline of a small unstable boat formed.
“You’re late!” the man shouted.
“Nasty storm.” a voice on the boat replied. [Should be: "Nasty storm," a voice on the boat replied.] It almost sounded Russian.
“Then we better get this over with.”[replace the period with a comma] the man replied.

He waited until the boat was at a complete stop. They threw him a rope. He dropped the briefcase and grabbed it, then tying tied it against a sturdy-looking post. The half Russian half-Russian climbed out of the boat.
“The briefcase?” the Russian asked.
Without hesitation, the man turned around to pick up the suitcase, but was in a state of panic when he discovered that the briefcase was missing.
“That’s it.”[replace the period with a comma] he said. “I’m done for.”

He heard a gunshot, followed by a slashing sound from behind him. As he turned, a squirt [awkward choice of words...] of blood hit the man on his cheek. The Russian slowly fell to the ground.

The man’s heart was beating rapidly. His face turned pale. His eyes brightened.
“W-Who are you?” he struggled to say.
The assailant made a small [comma] sly grin.

Okay, so there's grammar for you. I think this could be an interesting beginning but you need to make me care about your characters. I don't really know who they are right now, so why should I care about them? Try to elaborate on their personalities and what they're doing. Develop their characters.

Also, more imagery is needed to make me feel like I'm there. Show us what is happening using the 5 senses -- I want to feel the spray from the waves, see the chocking fog, feel the uncomfortable weight of the briefcase in my hand.

The fog started to lift up.
While looking up he saw a man from afar. It looked like if he was trying to catch fish.
“Fish?” He asked himself. “At half past twelve in the morning?
He must be really desperate.” the man guessed.

This is irrelevant to the story. You mention it once and then it is all but forgotten. Either work on making it a relevant part of the storyline or get rid of it.

---

Overall ... I don't really like this. It's kind of bland and boring and needs to be developed more. So far you have mostly avoided the clichés, so kudos on that, but it needs some work. Feel free to PM me any time and let me know if you edit this.

Hope this helped,
- Camille<3

hey well i liked this... but does need editing.. like combining the sentences to make it flow more... and i like the statement... the man carried a breivecase.. except its badly timed... try describing the man, and then add he was carrying a brefcase. and i like the waves bashing on the pier... and yea if that guy fishing doesnt appear again id cut him out... also the thoughts can be in quotes or italics, or not even anything, specially if its real short!