Young Writers Society

Firestar wrote:#1

It was my fourteenth day of playing the violin on the corner of 5th and Rood in New York City. My previous job at Burger Monster had been a disaster, literally. The "literally" is kind of annoying. It wasn’t my fault that the burger making robot (or as we called it “the Burger Monster”) went out of control during my shift. At least that’s what I told the Manager, but that didn’t stop him from firing me on the spot. And now I was on the street playing the violin for money. Not that I don’t like playing it, but after a few hundred years of practicing the same instrument over and over, well… it get[s]’[/s]s No apostrophe needed. a bit tiring.

A man walked up to me and dropped a few dollars into the violin case To make more dramatic, you could say "golden dollars" (or silver), or just "dollar coins". That way instead of paper floating down, you'd have coins clinking in. Or you could say "a few dollars worth of coins". If you don't do any of that, then I would just have him set them in there. , then he leaned against a tree to listen to me. But I barely noticed him or any of the other people that were watching me, as I was in the middle of an extremely fast section "Piece of music" would flow better right here. of music. Out of the corner of my eye, though, I saw the man draw out a cell phone from his pocket, dial a number, and talk excitedly into the phone. But while I had an interest in other people’s lives, I couldn’t try to listen to him; I had to finish my piece. We know why, I would just get rid of the last part of the sentence. Or you could say, "...interest in other people's lives, I couldn't listen without losing my attention on the music." Before I hardly knew it though, I was done. This last sentence was really rough... Everyone who was watching me clapped and quickly I would ditch the quickly. walked away, everyone, that is, except the man who was talking on his cell phone.

“Yes, no doubt about it”....”Thanks, bye!” End this sentence here, and for the next say "The man hung up his phone...". It would go much more smooth. then he hung up his phone and walked over to me. He was a short man of about 50 with a few gray hairs running through his dark hair. Your repetition of "hair" in this sentence isn't good... I think that "...with a few gray hairs running through his dark." would work fine.

“That’s a good violin you play there.This is a pretty common mistake, but you need a comma at the end of quotation marks.” he said to me. This sentence seems weird. Is he complimenting the violin? Or the playing? It's dialog, so it's your choice, but I think you should have him say, "That's some good violin playing."

“Thank you[s].[/s],” I replied.

“How long have you been playing that instrument[s].[/s]?” he [s]continued[/s]asked. (Don't forget question marks! [Or exclamation points...])

“Quite a long time[s].[/s],” I said uncomfortably. Not that I didn’t know the exact amount of years, but I didn’t think that he would believe 235 years, 7 months, and 14 days if I told him. Change this last part to "...but I didn't think that he would believe me if I told him '235 years, 7 months, and 14 days.'" You definitely need to add the commas in there, and it'll make it look better if you put apostrophes around what he says he would say.

“Well, when I heard you play that violin so beautifully, I couldn’t help but call my friend. [s]who is putting on this[/s] He is putting on a talent show for ‘Extraordinary Kids of the 22nd Century’. Now, Ditch the "now". how would you like to be on my friends show?”