Young Writers Society

Bickazer wrote:La la la~! Double post is double post is bad!

Well, too bad, I'm doing it anyway, as I've got the final 2.5 pages of the prologue. And if you're asking why I divided it that way, it's more the way the scene breaks worked than the pages. So yes, consider this taking place after a scene break 'tween the two.

*grumble grumble* So apparently I have to submit a new work to get the formatting to work out right? Fine, just pretend there are indentations, I will no longer try to battle this site's formatting. *grumble grumble*

The Zenith Cycle I. Zenith Prologue part two, in which the Master's age gets revealed (in a potential brainbreaker), a shocking thing happens to Zenith, and Hale makes a dirty comment. Read at your own risk:

Brit's residence immediately placed itself apart from all the other houses on the street—for one thing, it wasn’t even a Castle. (The-cut) Castle-dwellers passed by the house, a little box on a street filled with large, loud, fully wired Castles, feeling nothing more than piteous contempt for that poor fool who couldn't even buy a basic Castle. (I had to read this sentnce a few times before I got it)
--I honestly cannot think of a way to cut down on all the "Castle"s in this sentence. That's bad, isn't it? >_>
replce it with a different word. maybe bastion

But not a single one of Zenith’s friends had a Castle. (reword first sentence maybe: No one in Zenith's group of friends had a castle. -try not to start sentences with 'but' if possible) Brit, Hale, and Magnus—they felt no need for (Castles -change to them). Sure, they were scorned and ridiculed, but they had other ways of having fun beyond playing with systems and viewing funfeeds. For them, fun was hanging out in the playground and exploring the swamp.

-good description 'ridiculed' wow!

Master did not have a Castle either. He invested all of his time and money on creating androids, not on frivolous things like funfeeds and systems and a fully wired Castle. In his case, though, it was expected. It fit in with the neighbors' idea of the "eccentric programmer"— (no self-respecting programmer owned a Castle. change: since no self-respecting programmer owned one. -flows better and got rid of a castle)

"Ahhh, air-conditioning," sighed Hale, flopping down into a chair in Brit's airy, blue-tiled kitchen. "Such glory I never thought I knew. Say, where's Chel?"

"She's at her job," said Brit with a frown, reaching into the fridge for chilled drinks.

"Come to think of it," said Magnus, a pensive note to his voice,resting his elbows on the table, "we're almost old enough, aren't we?"

"Yeah, soon we'll have jobs and be boring and we won't play anymore," sighed Hale. "Happens to everyone, though. Guess that's what it means to 'grow up'."

"Perhaps that is what happened to Master," said Zenith with a small level of wistfulness. "He simply grew up. It was bound to happen…he is already some years older than you, is he not?”

“You’re right,” said Magnus. “What, he’s twenty-one this year, isn’t he? Maybe he’s grown up and thinks he’s above playing with us…” There was no hiding the note of bitterness in even Magnus’ voice, almost always so calm and quietly assured.

"No, he just got penis envy from Engelfield," said Hale with a heavy scowl.

"You're sick!" squeaked Brit, ramming Hale on the head with a bottle of orange soda. "You're a prime example of someone who needs to grow up a bit!"

"Hey, ease up, Brit! Sorry, sorry, sorry!" yelled Hale, his hands flying to his head in a vain effort to protect himself. Zenith watched the proceedings with a small smile. Brit...Hale...Magnus...they were all his friends, and he had them to thank for still being sane today. If he had not had them, he would be completely alone now, what with Master's new attitude. But his friends helped him survive.

awww! ah Sorry

"Love and friendship, those are what I want for you," Master had stated, very early in Zenith's creation. "If you can experience those things, you can truly be human."

Zenith wasn't certain about "love", but he had found friendship and camaraderie. So was he "human", now, by Master's standards? (sorry but I have never heard of camaraderie before I can't even make out what its suppose to mean)

Apparently not. Otherwise Master wouldn't have replaced him, would he? Again, that sensation, churning like gears deep within him, the quiet feeling of intangible discomfort firing between his processors, sifting through his programming…he tried to control it, to quash this nameless emotion, but like always, his efforts were useless. He didn’t even understand what was afflicting him…

when you have Zenith questioning himself you make the reader ask the same question. Don't worry this is good, really really good.

"Zenith?" It was Brit speaking.

"Yes?" Zenith looked up—he seemed to have been too deep in thought to register Brit, Hale, and Magnus’s conversation. (dont use their names so much: replace with their, them the group, his friends -it will flow better then) Quickly he straightened, doing his best to ignore that feeling coursing through his entire body, through his systems, and with a sense of vague foreboding he realized that he had never felt it at this intensely intensity before.

"We were just wondering about the house down the street," said Brit. "You know, the Pulaskis moved out a few months ago..."

"It is not a Castle, (correct change to right -it just sounds better) ?" said Zenith. Hale nodded in response. that is just a suggestion it iis not neccessarily needed but you can decide

"Yeah, that's why I've been wondering about who will move in it. I hope it's a kid like us, but fifty bucks if it's just another old fogey."

"You're on," said Brit, a smirk spreading across her face.

"Hey, betting is bad," said Magnus quickly, raising his hands for peace. "I'm hoping it's a kid too."

"Knowing our luck..." Hale grimaced.

Zenith caught on in a flash. "You desire...a replacement...for Master."

Brit, Hale, and Magnus turned to stare at him. Hale shook his head with an undue quickness.

"No, no, no! You make it sound like a really terrible thing…okay, I suppose it is, for you, I guess...but yeah. He sure as granfalloon—”

"Hale!" shouted Brit.

"Okay, whatever, heck. He sure as heck isn't going to be coming back, I mean, not when he has all his new models to play around with him and whatever..." said Hale, scowling. "And we've been missing something, without him, don'cha think?"

"I do not think we need to replace him," said Zenith, unable to keep the scathing note out of his voice. A part of him—his higher programming—told him this was wrong, to be feeling so angry with no reason, and that part of him even conceded that Hale had a point, that Master was probably beyond being interested in them anymore. It was too late, however, to stop that silent discontent from finally exploding from its place deep inside his basest systems and taking over, taking over his mind and body until all he could see and feel was that, the sensation he still had no name for, but he knew he disliked it, and feared it, and he knew this part of him simply would not stand for Master being replaced. Break this sentence into two maybe because it is very long

"We're not replacing him, okay, Zenith? Okay?" said Brit, her voice low and reassuring. "We just want another playmate, that's all..."

"You are almost of legal age to be working, am I right?" snapped Zenith, no longer bothering to suppress the boiling—the boiling something that had taken over him. "I do not think you ought to be searching for someone to 'play' with this late."

It was a cruel thing to say and Zenith knew it—knew with -what the ethics Master had programmed into him. Still, he couldn’t take back the words that had already risen from his vocal chambers and out of his mouth.

"Zenith...Zenith, man..." stammered Hale. "You...you've changed too..."

"No, I have not changed one bit," snarled Zenith, frustration rising. "You are the ones who have changed. To suggest replacing Master..."

"We're not replacing him. Calm down, Zenith," said Magnus, taking a warning step forward, worry flashing in his dark eyes.

"Not like there's anything wrong with that," Hale cut in, a sudden coldness to his voice as he stood from his seat to glare, a challenge flashing in his eyes, at Zenith. "I mean, he's such a big jerk now, I don't mind replacing him at all. Why the hell are you of all people still so faithful to him?"

And then it just snapped—everything inside Zenith. With a vague feeling of foreboding you said with a vague feeling of foreboding the exact same way before he realized that something, something had happened deep within his processors that he didn’t quite understand, but he knew enough to realize that all of his systems had in that moment gone completely out of balance, that the signals were firing everywhere, with a random, desperate insanity.

With a mad urgency, the part of him still in control began attempting self-maintenance, but a small, very dim part of Zenith’s consciousness realized it was too late, all too late, to stop what had begun right then and there, with Hale’s words, no, earlier, when Master had unveiled his very first new model shortly after visiting Engelfield…

The next instant Zenith found that he had crossed the kitchen in three strides, and without any idea of what he was doing he had snatched Hale by the collar and hauled the blonde boy straight in the air. He did not shout, but spoke coldly, infusing his words with all the venom he could muster, and marveling at himself even for managing to sound so calm even while his systems went haywire inside him.

"I do not want a new Master, do you understand? I...I do not want him as he is now, either. I want Master back. The way he was. That is all. All I want. I would throw away everything else...everything...if only...if Master...if he could only be...Master again. I would give anything, just for that."

Hale stared back, silent, blue eyes wide and goggling, mouth opening and closing but no words escaping. Brit and Magnus converged on the two of them with a terrified speed.

"Zenith! Drop Hale change to him! Please!" cried Brit. Zenith had no choice but to comply—after all, like all androids, he was programmed to obey humans…and that part of his programming had yet to succumb. With a bitter slowness, he released his grip on Hale's shirt. Hale crumpled onto the blue-tiled floor, massaging his neck, gasping and gulping.

"Let's leave, c'mon, Brit, Magnus—you’re crazy, Zenith—all this talk about us changing when who's the one who's changed? You!" shouted Hale, picking himself up off the floor and grabbing Brit and Magnus' arms. "Don't deny it, Zenith! The Zenith I knew would have never—never done—what you just did!"

And with those bitter words, Hale dashed off, Brit and Magnus at his heels. Only Brit paused at the doorway to shoot Zenith one final, misery-filled glance, before running off after her two friends.

There was no doubt about it--Zenith was alone. He sagged into a chair, alone in Brit's kitchen, accompanied only by the whirring of the air conditioning, the steady humming of the fridge. In the end, in the very end, he was left only in the company of other, inferior machines.

Just before he closed his eyes, he lifted his head to look out the window one final time, at the sky that was an incongruous shade of cheery blue, even now. In that final, brief moment, a sudden flash of insight struck him, an insight so terrible that it caused him to bolt straight up in his chair and freeze in place.

Is this what you wanted all along? But why? Why would you do this—because—no, it can’t be—

Zenith never got to think any more on the subject, because the next moment his eyelids slid shut, and with a sigh he sank back into the chair like a fatigued man, eyes closed, content. The expression on his face was so satisfied that it was not hard to believe he was only sleeping.

As the sunlight streaked in through the open window, it caught a bright flash of silver dangling on a string around Zenith’s neck. A shining silver ring turned back and forth, back and forth, like a pendulum, the only sign of life on the android’s slumping body. had to read this last bit a couple times to fully understand it

replce it with a different word. maybe bastion

sorry but I have never heard of camaraderie before I can't even make out what its suppose to mean

Break this sentence into two maybe because it is very long

The end is a little sudden and confusing. Like I said I had to read it a few times before I got it.

i]get[/i] this way?

“All right, all right, heck, then. He sure as ‘heck’ had all the time

"Okay, whatever, heck. He sure as heck isn't going to be coming back,