Young Writers Society

(I'm not quite sure which forum I should have posted this on. It's about an online game that takes place in medieval times so I don't know if it should be in Fantasy Fiction or Sci-Fi.)

(Anyway, this is a new story I've just started. The reason why I started it is because there's a scholarship program where you have to write a conventional story of 100 to 224 pages long for an age group of 12-18 years old. If my story wins not only will I get $1000-$7500 in scholarship money, I'll also get a publishing deal with a company called Random House! That being the case I need everyone to be as honest as possible with their critiques. Since The story has to be conventional I decided to base it on something everyone in that age group can relate to, VIDEO GAMES!)

Chapter 1:

The light from the sun crept through the blinds of a young boy’s bedroom as he slept peacefully in his bed. He had stayed up late playing on his computer the night before. Since it was Saturday he was allowed to stay in bed longer than normal. He groaned when the beams from the sun reached his face, causing him to wake up. Wondering what time it was he rolled onto his side to check his clock.

“Seven-thirty,” he said, his voice groggy with sleep. Most kids his age were still asleep at this time. He groaned again as he buried his head under his pillow and tried to get back to sleep.

His bedroom door suddenly swung open, slamming into the wall behind it. “It’s here! It’s here!”

The boy lifted his pillow to see his sister jumping up and down with excitement. She held a large box in her hands that bore a popular gaming company logo. He yawned as he lifted the pillow off his face and sat up. “What’s here, Amelia?”

“The game! It came in the mail this morning!”

The boy sighed as he flopped back onto his bed and placed his pillow back on his face. “That’s great, now let me go back to sleep…”

“Ryan!” Amelia placed the box on the floor before marching over to his bed and shaking her brother. “Come on, wake up! You said yourself you couldn’t wait for the game to get here! Don’t you want to play it?”

Ryan rolled onto his stomach, moving his pillow so it stayed over his head. “I do but I’m too tired to get up right now. Let me sleep in for a few more hours…”

“You can’t sleep in!” Amelia told him, “We’re going to Granma and Granpa’s house at lunch. If we don’t hook it up now we won’t be able to play at all today!”

“Well, why don’t you hook it up?” he asked.

“I can’t! You know how bad I am with computers, and Mom and Dad are still asleep.”

“Can’t you give me ten more minutes?”

Amelia started pushing him again, urging him to get out of bed. “No, it has to be now! We have to get as much game time as we can!”

Ryan sighed, “Fine, fine, I’ll get up.” Amelia cheered as she ran to the Epicom box and began to tear it open. It was like watching a six-year-old open a present on Christmas morning. Ryan climbed out of bed and helped his sister start taking things out of the box.

Ryan was thirteen-years-old and attending middle school. His twelve-year-old sister, Amelia was attending the same school as him. They grew up and were still living in Toronto, one of the largest cities in Canada. Summer was starting in two months, since Ryan was currently attending grade eight he would be transferring to high school after summer vacation. Since Amelia was only in grade seven she’ll be staying at her old school when Ryan moves on. They were both disappointed by the fact that they wouldn’t be going to the same school next year, but they decided to make the most of their summer together before Ryan transferred.

The box that had arrived in the mail was for a new gaming system that had just been released onto the market by a Canadian gaming company called Epicom. The company was founded five years ago in 2003 and focuses mostly on massive multiplayer online role-playing games, or MMORPG’s for short. The pilot game for their system is called Arcadia Online. The game itself takes place sometime in the medieval ages, as most RPG’s do and everyone in the world will be playing it. The great thing about this game however that set it apart from others was the fact that it was the only one on the market that uses a virtual reality visors and gloves. Both Ryan and Amelia had tried a beta demo version one day at the mall. The game play was outstanding and the graphics were breathtaking, it was just like real life. The player sees the world through the visor and during battle uses the gloves to fight and cast magic. There were even speakers and a microphone built into the visor so the player could communicate with other people on the game. They had spent six months saving their allowances together so they could buy the game as soon as it came out.

The game system consisted of a small circular box with four ports for the visors and gloves. It came with two wires, one to plug into the T.V. and the other to plug into a computer modem. Without the modem the game couldn’t connect to the server. The reason why it had to hook up to a T.V. was so it could display things like the server connection, Internet speed and other important things. The actually game itself takes place on the visor screen.

Soon the game was hooked up and ready to go. As they began to put on the equipment Amelia said, “Aren’t you excited?”

“Yeah, I’ve been dying to play this game ever since we played the demo.”

“I know. This is going to be awesome!” They turned on the system and dove into the game.

First thoughts: Show, don't tell. I, personally, hate stories that start with characters waking up. Why not show him being up all night? Get us right into the action, with Ryan playing 'til his hands hurt and his eyes tear up and he can't focus any more. Show us Ryan getting in "the zone." Don't just tell us he's a video game geek, show us.

Also watch out for info-dumping. Right now, it doesn't matter who Epicom is or where they go to school. Right now all they care about - and probably all the readers care about - is the game. Unless school is interfering with the game (or the game is interfering with school), don't bring it up. Similarly, we don't care right now how the system works or why it needs a modem. We just wanna see them play the game.

Another thing to watch out for, and it may not be a big deal, but it's pretty cliché that his sister, the girl, is bad with computers. If she's this psyched about a video game, chances are she knows how to set up a system. You don't have to be a hacker genius to connect a few cords. Weakling girls are a personal pet peeve of mine. As a girl who plays games, I can assure you that by age twelve me and my girl geek friends knew how to set up a console.

You might want to check out some virtual reality game stories; the .hack// franchise and the novel Heir Apparent (by Vivian Vande Velde) come to mind. I'm sure there are lots of other virtual reality stories that you can use for reference and inspiration.

Sorry it isn't a line-edit. I've got dinner in a few minutes. Also, would you mind sharing the link for this scholarship? It sounds like a great contest.

Yeah,, id change the beginning too.. it is cliche, especially the line of -the light crept through the blinds- has been done prettty much on every story that strarts out with waking up... look around for yourself... and this is a big thing huh, the scholoarship that is... and a deal with random house? I dont know if this will cut it, even after editing and re editing... the structureand grammar and everything look clean to me,,, but as above lady said,, alot of useless information at this point of the story.. one other thing that was in my mind the whole time vas was reading.. if this kid is so jacked about video games adn such.. like he has been so excited to plahy it.. why didnt he give a crap about it when his little sister barged in? given he was sleepy, i love sleep, but this guy doesnt even flinch... know what im sayin?... I can pretty much say you wont win.. i mean.. if i randomly pointed to 47 members randomly of this site, i could gaurantee they wouldnt either.. i probably would tho... but anyways.. still entering is a great idea,, and writing a 100 some page story is great experience... maybe if they have runner ups.. but anyway... maybe if you added a panda bear you might win. do it.

First off, I noticed you used the names Ryan and Amelia. Which is ok, I'm just pointing that out. Next, when it talks about the game company the story lapses into present tense.

“I do ,but I’m too tired to get up right now.

Since Amelia was only in grade seven she’ll be staying at her old school when Ryan moves on

Your tense isn't consistent here. You started the story with past tense, and here you switch to present tense.

The company was founded five years ago in 2003 and focuses mostly on massive multiplayer online role-playing games, or MMORPG’s for short.

Again, inconsistent tense.

The game itself takes place sometime in the medieval ages, as most RPG’s do and everyone in the world will be playing it. The great thing about this game however that set it apart from others was the fact that it was the only one on the market that uses a virtual reality visors and gloves. Both Ryan and Amelia had tried a beta demo version one day at the mall. The game play was outstanding and the graphics were breathtaking, it was just like real life. The player sees the world through the visor and during battle uses the gloves to fight and cast magic. There were even speakers and a microphone built into the visor so the player could communicate with other people on the game. They had spent six months saving their allowances together so they could buy the game as soon as it came out.

Stick to past tense, please.

Yeah, the main thing you need to work on is consistent tense.

to be honest, i didn't really read it.

i just wanted to tell you to be careful about writing this.
this, already, is probably copyright/trademark infringement, just for using the name of the game and the name of the company in an item meant for publication.

(that's assuming it's a real game and company, i'm not too sure about that.

(Okay, I edited this chapter with what you guys said in mind. I didn't do everything you guys told me to, since it's my story and all, but I did make a few changes based on your overall opinions. For example, I know the begining is cliched but do you really think a publishing company is going to judge a story just by reading the first chapter? If I think it'll be a problem later on down the road I'll change it, until then I'm happy with what I have. But maybe later in the story I'll have the characters fight a random panda for your benifit, Xena.)

(Anyway, here's the edited version of my first chapter.)


Chapter 1:

The light from the sun crept through the blinds of a young boy’s bedroom as he slept peacefully in his bed. He had stayed up late the night before playing on his computer. Since it was Saturday he was allowed to stay in bed longer than normal. A groan escaped his throat when the beams from the rising sun reached his face, causing him to wake up. Wondering what time it was he rolled onto his side to check his clock.

“Seven-thirty,” he said, his voice groggy with sleep. Most kids his age were still asleep at this time. He groaned again and buried his head under his pillow to shield himself from the light. He was almost back to sleep when his bedroom door suddenly swung open, slamming into the wall behind it.

“It’s here! It’s here!”

The boy lifted his pillow to see his sister jumping up and down with excitement. She held a large box in her hands that bore a popular gaming company logo. He yawned as he lifted the pillow off his face and sat up. “What’s here, Amelia?”

“The game! It came in the mail this morning!”

The boy sighed as he flopped back onto his bed and placed his pillow back on his face. “That’s great, now let me go back to sleep…”

“Ryan!” Amelia placed the box on the floor before marching over to his bed and shaking her brother. “Come on, wake up! You said yourself you couldn’t wait for the game to get here! Don’t you want to play it?”

Ryan rolled onto his stomach, moving his pillow so it stayed over his head. “I do, but I stayed up until two in the morning last night playing on the computer. Let me sleep in for a few more hours…”

“You can’t sleep in!” Amelia told him, “We’re going to Granma and Grandpa’s house after lunch. If we don’t hook it up now we won’t be able to play at all today!”

“If you want to play it so much then why don’t you just hook it up yourself?” he asked. “It’s not like this is the first time you ever set up a game console.”

“Yeah, but you can do it much faster than I can, and I want to play now!”

“Can’t you get Mom or Dad to do it?”

“They’re still in bed.”

“Fine, I‘ll do it. Just give me ten more minutes…”

Amelia started pushing him again, urging him to get out of bed. “No, it has to be now! We have to get as much game time as we can!”

Ryan sighed, “Fine, fine, I’ll get up.” Amelia cheered as she ran to the box and began to tear it open. It was like watching a six-year-old open a present on Christmas morning. Ryan climbed out of bed and helped his sister start taking things out of the box.

Ryan is thirteen-years-old and attending middle school and his twelve-year-old sister, Amelia is in the same school as him. They grew up and are still living in Toronto, one of the largest cities in Canada. Summer would be starting in two months, since Ryan is currently attending grade eight he will be transferring to high school after summer vacation. Since Amelia is only in grade seven she’ll be staying at her old school when Ryan moves on. They’re both disappointed that they won’t be going to the same school next year, but they decided to make the most of their summer together before Ryan transfers.

The box that had arrived in the mail was for a new gaming system that had just been released onto the market by a Canadian gaming company called Epicom. The company was founded five years ago in 2003 and focused mostly on massive multiplayer online role-playing games, or MMORPG’s for short. The pilot game for their system is called Arcadia Online. The game itself takes place sometime in the medieval ages, as most RPG’s do and everyone in the world will be playing it. The great thing about the game that sets it apart from others is the fact that it’s the only one on the market that uses a virtual reality visors and gloves. Both Ryan and Amelia had tried a beta demo version one day at the mall. The game play was outstanding and the graphics were breathtaking. It was just like real life. The player sees the world through the visor and during battle uses the gloves to fight and cast magic. There are even speakers and a microphone built into the visor so the player can communicate with other people on the server. They saved their allowances together and bought the game as soon as it came out.

Soon the game was hooked up and ready to go. As they began to put on the equipment Amelia said, “Aren’t you excited?”

“Yeah, I’ve been dying to play this game ever since we played the demo.”

“I know. This is going to be awesome!” They turned on the system and dove into the game.


(I forgot to meantion the reason why I switch to present tense. It just feels more smooth to me when I write in present tense when explaining key points about the story. But I did take your advice, Syte, and made sure not to switch tenses in the same paragraph. And just so you know, I was inspired to write this after reading the manga .hack// Legend of the Twilight. So I am working off of a reference to some degree.)

My first suggestion links in with that of the user above me: don't use Arcadia as a name for your game. It sounds really cool but it's just been used way too many times: Battleship Arcadia, Skies of Arcadia, Arcadia books, Arcadia Trust, the City of Arcadia. The list really is extensive.

Next, here's a quick line by line but there's going to have to be quite a few edits before I can be more precise:

The light from the sun crept through the blinds of a young boy’s bedroom as he slept peacefully in his bed. He had stayed up late playing on his computer the night before. Since it was Saturday he was allowed to stay in bed longer than normal. He groaned when the beams from the sun reached his face, causing him to wake up. Wondering what time it was he rolled onto his side to check his clock. [Waking up isn't the best of introductions and a lot of your sentences here are jerky. You need a little variety: use some longer and some shorter sentences. Maybe describe what colour duvet he has or what is on it. That could tell us quite a bit about your character. Also, is he curled up in a ball on a single bed or sprawled across a double bed or visa versa. I find characters who curl up on the side of a double bed very interesting because it's often a sign of insecurity. Think about every sentence you use. This is perhaps the most serious piece of writing you've ever embarked upon so take your time. For a start, what's interesting or necessary about the fact that he can sleep in longer on a Saturday? That information could be conveyed much more easily just by the fact that he and his sister are going to spend the morning playing video games.]

The boy lifted his pillow to see his sister jumping up and down with excitement. She held a large box in her hands that bore a popular gaming company logo. [Describe the logo to us. It's important. Your whole story is rotating around this game so tell us what the box and logo look like. And how old is this sister? Right now I'm thinking about eight or nine and placing the 'young boy' at possibly eleven or twelve? That's my first impression anyway.]

The boy sighed as he flopped back onto his bed and placed his pillow back on [Over his face would probably be better and why have him even sit up? I sure wouldn't if I was that tired and not planning on getting out of bed. Having him sit up suggests there's a possibility of him getting up without much persuasion.] his face.

“You can’t sleep in!” Amelia told him, “We’re going to Granma and Granpa’s house at lunch. [Now I'm thinking she's about seven. And Granpa? Seriouly? Grampa is more common but even that's a little strange to my way of thinking. Still, whatever fits with her personality.]

Ryan was thirteen-years-old and attending middle school. His twelve-year-old sister, Amelia was attending the same school as him. They grew up and were still living in Toronto, one of the largest cities in Canada. Summer was starting in two months, since Ryan was currently attending grade eight he would be transferring to high school after summer vacation. Since Amelia was only in grade seven she’ll be staying at her old school when Ryan moves on. They were both disappointed by the fact that they wouldn’t be going to the same school next year, but they decided to make the most of their summer together before Ryan transferred. [Remove this entire paragraph. Trust me, it's unnecessary. Listen to those who have reviewed above me for the reasons.]

The box that had arrived in the mail was for a new gaming system that had just been released onto the market by a Canadian gaming company called Epicom. The company was founded five years ago in 2003 and focuses mostly on massive multiplayer online role-playing games, or MMORPG’s for short. The pilot game for their system is called Arcadia Online. The game itself takes place sometime in the medieval ages, as most RPG’s do and everyone in the world will be playing it. The great thing about this game however that set it apart from others was the fact that it was the only one on the market that uses a virtual reality visors and gloves. Both Ryan and Amelia had tried a beta demo version one day at the mall. The game play was outstanding and the graphics were breathtaking, it was just like real life. The player sees the world through the visor and during battle uses the gloves to fight and cast magic. There were even speakers and a microphone built into the visor so the player could communicate with other people on the game. They had spent six months saving their allowances together so they could buy the game as soon as it came out.

The game system consisted of a small circular box with four ports for the visors and gloves. It came with two wires, one to plug into the T.V. and the other to plug into a computer modem. Without the modem the game couldn’t connect to the server. The reason why it had to hook up to a T.V. was so it could display things like the server connection, Internet speed and other important things. The actually game itself takes place on the visor screen.

[Again, remove this. You've got to convey information like this gradually throughout the story and the way to do it is to have them start playing the game and describe it then. Your trouble is that you're a gamer and you talk like that, you explain each and every part of something as if telling someone about a game you've just bought but it doesn't work like that. Also, listen to what the others have said about changing tense. You shouldn't have any present tense verbs in a past tense story.]

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Overall, there's always potential for something like this and it's definitely conventional and should attract attention from teenagers but only if you avoid info dumps. Readers and teenagers in particular don't like info dumps. And they need something visual so they can imagine your story. Admittedly not ever teenager lacks imagination but it doesn't hurt to show them exactly what you want them to see.

And you need to work on your characterization. You can't refer to a teenage boy as a 'young boy' or you'll confuse your reader, especially when your target audience is people of a similar age and Amelia has several faults. She's annoyingly immature and annoyingly hopeless with consoles even though she's a gaming addict? Give your female readers a character they can admire and relate to and you'll be much more popular. Or if you want to go along the annoying little sister route, have her use the arguement that she doesn't want to play alone rather than that she can't set it up.

Let me know when you have the edited version or the next part up and I'll be glad to give you advice,

Heather xx

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You posted the new version while I was still typing this, lol. But I still stand by my other suggestions. The info dump is better now that it's in present tense but it still isn't really necessary and the change of Amelia's reasoning is very good. More description though please!

(I've edited the first chapter yet again after taking into account everything that kitty15 said. Although I agree that the beginning is a little too chliche and the paragraph about Epicom may be a bit of an info dump I'm going to keep them in. When I can think of another way to start off the chapter I'll edit it again but for now I'll keep it the way it is. I did shorten the paragraph about Epicom but I feel it is still going to be important since the story itself isn't going to be about the game, but rather about the characters fighting against hackers and running from the game admins later in the story.)


Prologue:

The light from the sun crept through the blinds of a teenage boy’s bedroom as he slept peacefully in his bed. His bed was a double, yet he was curled up against the wall. The blanket conveyed pictures of swords and shields. Beside his bed was a desk with a computer on it which he had stayed up late the previous night to play. His room was riddled with toys and video game cases, his parents always told him to clean it up but he kept putting it off to play his games.

A groan escaped his throat when the beams from the rising sun reached his face, causing him to wake up. Wondering what time it was he rolled onto his side to check his clock radio. On top of it was a game controller for one of the systems on his T.V. “Seven-thirty,” he said, his voice groggy with sleep. Most kids his age were still asleep at this time. He groaned again and buried his head under his pillow to shield himself from the light. He was almost back to sleep when his bedroom door suddenly swung open, slamming into the wall behind it.

“It’s here! It’s here!”

The boy lifted his pillow to see his sister jumping up and down with excitement. She held a large box in her hands that bore a popular gaming company logo of a star with the word ‘Epicom’ through it. “What’s here, Amelia?”

“The game! It came in the mail this morning!” She rushed over to the bed and nearly tripped on one of the toys in the process. “When are you going to clean up this mess, Ryan?”

“When I get around to it.” The boy sighed as he buried his face back under the pillow. “Now let me go back to sleep…”

“Hey!” Amelia placed the box on the floor before marching over to his bed and shaking her brother. “Come on, wake up! You said yourself you couldn’t wait for the game to get here! Don’t you want to play it?”

Ryan rolled onto his stomach, moving his pillow so it stayed over his face. “I do, but I stayed up until two in the morning last night playing on the computer. Let me sleep in for a few more hours…”

“You can’t sleep in!” Amelia told him, “We’re going to Granma and Grandpa’s house after lunch. If we don’t hook it up now we won’t be able to play at all today!”

“If you want to play it so much then why don’t you just hook it up yourself?” he asked. “It’s not like this is the first time you ever set up a game console.”

“Yeah, but I want to play it with you!”

“Just give me ten more minutes…”

Amelia started pushing him again, urging him to get out of bed. “No, it has to be now! We have to get as much game time as we can!”

Ryan sighed, “Fine, fine, I’ll get up.” Amelia cheered as she ran to the box and began to tear it open. It was like watching a six-year-old open a present on Christmas morning. Ryan climbed out of bed and helped his sister start taking things out of the box.

The box that had arrived in the mail was for a new gaming system that had just been released onto the market by a Canadian gaming company called Epicom. The company was founded five years ago in 2003 and focused mostly on massive multiplayer online role-playing games, or MMORPG’s for short. The pilot game for their system is called Arcadia Online. The game itself takes place sometime in the medieval ages, as most RPG’s do and everyone in the world will be playing it. The great thing about the game that sets it apart from others is the fact that it’s the only one on the market that uses a virtual reality visors and gloves. The game play was outstanding and the graphics were breathtaking. It was just like real life.

Soon the game was hooked up and ready to go. As they began to put on the equipment Amelia said, “Aren’t you excited?”

“Yeah, I’ve been dying to play this game ever since we played the demo.”

“I know. This is going to be awesome!” They turned on the system and dove into the game.


(Maybe I should call this the Prologue instead of Chapter 1 because of how short it is...)