Young Writers Society

Chapter 1: A feeling of Despair

“This is an emergency broadcast bulletin!” The automated system yelped as the speaker was whipped away by the two hundred plus mile per hour winds of a freshly spawned tornado. The Midwest was under stress from tornadoes, the west coast under siege from earthquakes more powerful than ever seen and the east coast was dealing with flooding and hurricanes.

Alex stood in awe of this great twister as the winds whipped at his t-shirt and jeans. He could feel the ground vibrate beneath his feet. He was powerless against such a mighty force of nature. Alex stood his ground and watched as the tornado ripped apart the old barn he used to play in. A thousand memories were torn apart with the same few seconds and then only pieces remained like the fractured timebers flying across the fields.

Alex focused on the swirling mass and screamed at the top of his lungs, the scream inaudible over the roar of the nature; yet great storm turned as if in recognition of a challenge being brought before itself. Alex continued to scream louder and louder until his voice began to crack. Alex stepped off of the front porch, now being pelted by rain that felt like millions of needles stabbing at his head and shoulders. A fragment of the barn slashed across his left bicep and Alex never flinched. Blood pooled down his arm only to washed away by the rain a moment later.

The tornado slowed, debris began to fall from the wind's great grip, and with an eerie silence the twister dissipated. The house behind Alex was a heap of wood and brick that had succumb to the winds great might. Yet Alex himself stood bleeding, panting and alive as if by an act of God. He had stood down one of natures most powerful and unparallel weapons, and survived.

Alex ran down what was left of the road he had lived on his entire life to find Aurora. She lived only four houses down from his. Two of the three houses that separated them were gone and nothing was left to say they had ever been there. The other had slid off of its foundation, flipped onto its side and kart wheeled until it disintegrated down to nothing. Alexander loved Aurora but he had never told her thinking only that she lacked the same feelings for him. He sprinted past the row of now vacant lots to search for her. He couldn’t give up hope without at least trying. God, I should have told her how I felt. When I met her and couldn’t forget her. I should have told her then. He ran harder putting every bit of energy into getting to her as fast as possible. Alex turned onto the debris covered sidewalk, up the warped porch, and stopped at the doorframe.

“Aurora!” he screamed. There was no reply. “Are you here. Aurora!” he yelled again, his heart rate increasing, his hand on the doorframe shaking, and a tear rolling down his dirt-smeared face. He hadn’t even thought about crying or the emotion of sadness yet. Alex knew he could not surrender hope, but it just came rolling on. More tears flowed as he threw himself at the rubble that was once the roof. Tossing debris out of the way and letting tear drops fall through the dusty air he found a hand. The hand that belonged to Auroras right arm. Frantically he uncovered the rest of her. She was mostly unharmed except for her hand that was at a wretched angle to the forearm. The wrist was no doubt broken but the bone stayed inside the skin. Her eyes were closed and her breathing shallow but constant, gave proof that Alex’s worst fears were devistated. Alexander gently put his left arm behind her back, his right under her legs and lifted her out of the rubble. He slowly walked out of the house, down the creaking porch stairs, and began to lay her in a patch of clear grass. Her eyes fluttered open revealing their beautiful hazel color. “Are you…” Alex stuttered, “Are you okay?”

All she could do was stare up at him as he set her down. She set out her hand to steady herself and immediately recoiled in pain. She began to fall back and Alex caught her. She winced from the pain while he took her good hand and held it.

“I thought I lost you.” he said.

She blushed “I saw you standing on your porch during the tornados. Why?”

“I… I don’t know.” He replied, “It doesn’t matter now, we’re alive.”

“It does matter, and I have a feeling I know why.” she said and moved closer into his embrace. It was a true calm, after a small storm.

Hey Church.

“This is an emergency broadcast bulletin!” The automated system yelped as the speaker was whipped away by the two hundred plus mile per hour winds of a freshly touch downed tornado.

Auk, I'm not a fan of the word "yelped" as it is more associated with something a girl would do, or something that is physically inferior.

The Midwest was under stress from tornados, the west coast under siege from earthquakes more powerful than ever seen and the east coast was dealing with flooding and hurricanes.

This is an info dump, spoiling the epic scale of the natural disaster. Descriptions are your friend, show to us as to how the above is so. It will make it much more interesting to read.

As promised

Church wrote:Chapter 1: A feeling of Despair

“This is an emergency broadcast bulletin!” The automated system yelped as the speaker was whipped away by the two hundred plus mile per hour winds of a 1.freshly touch downed tornado. The Midwest was under stress from 2.tornados, the west coast under siege from earthquakes more powerful than ever 3.seen and the east coast was dealing with flooding and hurricanes.

I love this first sentence, great hook.
1. And the next line draws us in, except I, personally, have no idea what freshly touch downed means. If you mean it just started, I would suggest changing it to something that makes a little more... sense.
2. Tornados=tornadoes, though I'm sure you knew that.
3.More powerful then ever seen? Sounds awkward, perhaps something like more powerfal than ever before endured...

Alexander stood in awe of this great twister as the 1.winds whipped at his 2.t-shit and jeans. He could feel the ground vibrate beneath his 3.feet. He was powerless against such a mighty force of nature. Alexander stood his ground and watched as the tornado ripped apart the old barn he used to play in. He loomed at the swirling mass and screamed at the top of his lungs at it, the sound of the scream inaudible over the roar of the nature. The great storm turned as if in recognition of a challenge being brought before itself. 3a.Alexander continued to scream louder and louder until his voice began to crack. 3b.Alex stepped off of the front 4.porch now being pelted by rain that felt like millions of needles stabbing at his head and 5.shoulders. The tornado slowed, debris began to fall from the wind great grip, and with an eerie silence the twister dissipated. The house behind Alex was a heap of wood and brick that had succumb to the winds great might. Yet Alex himself stood 6.unharmed panting as if by an act of God. He had 7.stood down one of natures most powerful and 8.unparallel weapons, and survived.

Firstly, you should really break this paragraph up. It's huge! I would suggest breaking it at 5. and possibly before that.
1. I really really liked this description, wonderful alliteration and personification. Good job.
2. I think you mean t-shirt...
3a&b. Okay so is it Alexander or Alex? It looks really strange to have both of them, either he goes by Alexander or by Alex. Pick one.
4. Comma between 'porch' and 'now'.
5. A possible place to split the paragraph.
6. Comma between 'unharmed' and 'panting' Also, I think you should reword this sentence. As is, it sounds like it was an act of God that he was panting.
7. Stood down one? Needs some rewording for impact.
8. unparallel = unparalleled

Alex ran down what was 1.left the road he had lived on his entire life to find 2.Aurora. She lived only four houses down from his. Two of the three houses that separated them were gone and nothing was left to say they had ever been there. The other had slid off of its 3.foundation and flipped onto its side and kart wheeled until it disintegrated down to nothing. 4.Alexander loved Aurora but he had never told her thinking only that she lacked the same feelings for him. He sprinted past the row of now vacant lots to search for her. He couldn’t give up hope without at least trying. 5.God, I should have told her how I felt. When I met her and couldn’t forget her. I should have told her then. He ran harder putting every bit of energy into getting to her as fast as possible. Alex turned onto the debris cover sidewalk, up the warped porch and stopped at the doorframe.

Another huge paragraph. Again, I suggest breaking them up a little bit. To save my eyes.
1. Insert 'of' here.
2. Combine the sentences, perhaps by making one about the road he had lived on his entire life and then one about finding Aurora and the houses.
3. Too many 'and's, just use commas if you're going to list it all out.
4. Augh! No! You're telling us something that you could show us! Saying it this way is so boring when you could use sensory details to show us.
Just that she is the first person he goes to is proof enough.
5. Thoughts should be outlined in some way, like italics, otherwise it looks like you're just randomly switching tenses.

“Aurora!” he screamed. There was no reply. “Are you here. Aurora!” he yelled again, his heart rate increasing, his hand on the doorframe shaking, and a tear rolling down his dirt-smeared face. He hadn’t even thought about 1.crying or sadness yet. It just came rolling on. More tears flowed as he threw himself at the 2.ruble that was once the roof. Tossing debris out of the way and letting tear drops fall through the dusty air 3.and he found a hand, the hand that belonged to Auroras right arm. Frantically he uncovered the rest of her. She was mostly unharmed except for her hand that was at a wretched angle to the forearm. The wrist was no doubt broken but the 4.bone stayed inside the skin. Her eyes closed and 5a.he breathing shallow but constant gave proof that Alex’s worst fears were wrong. Alexander gently put his left arm behind 5b.he back and his right under 5c.he legs and lifted her out of the rubble. He slowly walked out of the house 6.and down the porch stairs and began to lay her in a patch of clear grass. Her 7.eyes fluttered open revealing her beautiful hazel colored eyes. “Are you…” Alex stuttered, “Are you okay?”

Seriously, this paragraph especially needs to be broken up.
1. I like that he hadn't thought about it yet, but crying or sadness sounds awkward and seems like it could just be summed up in one word.
2. Ruble=rubble
3. Use a comma instead, otherwise it sounds choppy.
4. Haha the bone stayed, good bone. Would you like a dog? *ahem* Sorry, that just sounded funny to me. I kind of liked it though.
5a,b,&c. he=her, perhaps your 'r' was sticky.
6. Commas for a list.
7. Unnecessary and repetitive, just rephrase it something like: Her beautiful hazel-colored eyes fluttered open.

All she could do was stare up at him as he set her down. She set out her hand to steady herself and immediately recoiled in pain. She began to fall back and Alex caught her. She winced from the pain while he took her good hand and held it.
“I thought I lost you.” he said.
She blushed “I saw you standing on your porch during the 1.tornados. Why?”
“I… I don’t know.” He replied, “It doesn’t matter now, we’re alive.”
“It does matter, and I have a feeling I know 2.why.” she said and moved closer into his embrace. It was a true calm, after a 3.small storm. 4.There were many to come, and many of these would press these two, to their limits.

Very nice job, especially the calm after the storm bit.
1. Tornados=Tornado.
2. Comma after why.
3. Small storm? It sounded pretty big to me...
4. I don't really like this line, I think you should end with the calm after the storm. If there are more to come, I'm sure we'll find out.

This was a great opening chapter, much more interesting than the prologue. Which is saying something.

Great characterization:
-Alex: The way he stood out during the storm really tells you something about his personality, though I'm not quite sure what it is. I really liked that part. Also, his determination to find Aurora. I did think that it would have been good to have some of his emotions about the destruction of his home. Like when you mentioned the barn he used to play in, a small childhood flashback might be effective.
-Aurora: The blushing and then moving into his embrace tells us a little bit about her and she sounds interesting in the last part of dialogue. I did find it odd that Alex survived unscathed and she was buried under rubble...

Effective Imagery:
The description, especially personification, was very nice. There is room for more, and that would probably complete this chapter a little bit. Very nice job, I got a great picture in my mind from it.

Interesting Premonition:
The storm seemed to serve as symbol for what could possibly await our heroes, especially the way Alex faced it. I also think that the determination Alex showed was interesting.

Your Overall Score: B+
The content was wonderful, but the delivery could be expanded.

-cat4prowl

So I'm getting the impression that Alex somehow stopped the tornado by screaming? If this is true, it could be expanded on.

Anyway, this is an interesting start. You are obviously a talented writer. You have a firm grasp of the english language and your descriptions, for the most part, are solid and well though out.

However, as of right now, your ideas have been vomited all over my screen. Your descritions and concepts are extremely chaotic. This is apparent from the first sentence and it's relation to the rest of the text. A radio bulletin? On a farm? The sound being heard seconds before it's consumed by a tornado? It's all very...cartoon-esque, ja?

Also, I feel that you started this scene inappropriately. I think that this scene would be more effective by beginning with Alex's thoughts and/or actions (other than stopping the tornado). Either that, or I would begin the story in the aftermath of the tornado, with Alex pawing through the debris, searching for Aurora. As it stands now, the flow of the story is very quick and violent and stilted. I would rewrite this and include more of Alex's thoughts and reactions, some more descriptions, and fewer references to things (ie: the new bulletin) that aren't pertinent to the story.

And though you only had three or four lines of dialogue they fell very flat. Aurora's reaction to being saved/Alex's precense is completely unrealistic. Put yourself in her situation. She was just in a tornado. Her house is gone. She is injured. Would you be grilling your resquer with 20 questions? I don't think so. Please rework the dialogue.

The automated system yelped as the speaker was whipped away by the two hundred plus mile per hour winds of a freshly spawned tornado

First of all, I would not use the word 'yelp'. It conjures up that cartoon image. Also, this sentence is wordy and awkward. Consider this, "The automated system yelped as the speaker was whipped away by a tornado; stolen by winds exceeding two hundred miles an hour."

The Midwest was under stress from tornadoes, the west coast under siege from earthquakes more powerful than ever seen and the east coast was dealing with flooding and hurricanes.

Uh-uh. Cut this. It falls under the category of backstory and, again, it's not pertinent to Alex's immediate situation. It's nice to know, but you could include that information at a later point through dialogue or a newspaper clipping.

Anyway, I'll read the next chapters soon.

-Kylan