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Sun Jan 27, 2008 7:46 pm
NightsDreamer2277 says...



((All comments welcome))
Reality
There was a brief flash of white light and then the team had arrived. Stalking forward silently, they saw the line of transport trucks coming. Luke's blue eyes glittered in the light of the stars as he ordered, "Everyone latch on to one of those trucks. They'll be the fastest way to get inside, just like in the simulation. Meet up outside A-14 as planned. Kochi, start interfering with the electronics of that place. We can't be recorded.”

Nodding, the boy summoned up a magnetic substance from the ground and quickly formed bands that pulsed with the magnetic field. With a nod at Luke, the boy reached forward to latch onto the first truck.

Sari went next, mentally transporting her to the top of the truck's cover where she would be unseen. Reaching out, she sensed Luke follow with Rubelle. Excitement mixed with fear ran through her veins like fire, causing her brilliant green eyes to shine. Nervously licking her dry lips, she prepared herself for what lay ahead.

The trucks rumbled along the bumpy road carefully, avoiding pot holes. The stowaways could hear the sound of groans coming from inside of the transports, more than likely caused by people who had been discovered by the government and captured. Luke could feel his cheeks flush angrily. He had been one of those people once.

As the trucks finally pulled to a stop and turned off, everyone took a deep breath. This was the part they had always failed, escaping notice when they managed to get inside the compound. Vanishing, Sari appeared next to Kochi and Ruby. Her eyes frowned when she noticed that Luke had yet to appear. "Why isn't he here?" she asked, worriedly scanning over the transport trucks.

There was a slight thud of boots that caused them all to duck down. Peering out the side of the wall, Sari caught sight of Luke. He was still beneath one of the vans and a security guard was pacing around the truck. Noting his tensed arms and glistening skin, she realized that he was losing his grip. Falling would give him away.

Reaching through her mental connection, Sari tapped the mind of the guard carefully, feeling his annoyance and slight nervousness. She needed an excuse to get him away, and she had to make it realistic. I forgot to close the gate, she added. I need to go check it now before any security threats get through. Then she drew herself out and watched as the guard paused before rushing off hurriedly.

Curious glances were thrown her way, but there was no time to explain as Luke joined the group. His blue eyes were grateful as he led the team inside. "Thanks, Sari… that was close."

The group slid down the halls carefully, Luke creating a barrier of energy so that security cameras would be disabled by the time they arrived. Taking the elevator to the second basement level, they found it was a white monochromatic with no signs or numbers to speak of. As they finally reached crossroads in the dark, desolate halls, Luke paused. They were close, he could feel it. "Left or right, Kochi?"

Checking the hologram map of the area that projected from his wristband, Kochi directed them left. Scarcely had Sari passed two doors when she grasped her head in anguish. A magnified scream was echoing through her mind at intense volumes. Arching her back with the agony of it, the girl tried to keep from screaming herself. "It…hurts," she gasped as the others tried to help her. "They’re hurting…someone…"

Her mind's eye flashed to the scene, putting her in that person's place. It was in a dark metal room and she was restrained tightly by metallic bonds. Wires were connected to her temples, arms and lower neck. She could feel herself reaching out through mental bonds to control the guards, but found she could not. The image of a man suddenly filled her vision. "What a shame Lena… You still haven't learned," he said with a smirk. Reaching out through whatever connections she could find, the girl fought to get away from whatever he was holding. I know you're there; I can feel you, sister. Please Help Me!! Don't let him…

A jolt on her shoulder caused Sari to pull back into her own head. Looking sharply at Luke, who had given her the shock, she took a deep breath to steady her shaking legs. Fire flickered in her usually calm eyes. Sari shook her head darkly and turned around. "You go find the target…I have to go help someone."

*****
Last edited by NightsDreamer2277 on Mon Jan 28, 2008 2:13 am, edited 2 times in total.
"When you need a stress relief, simply count to twenty. If you get to twenty and your still mad, go to a hundred. If you are mad after that, then go find some anger management, because we seriously have just wasted two minutes."-- Jazz
  





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Sun Jan 27, 2008 10:22 pm
JabberHut says...



Yay! The third part! :D

The stowaways could hear the sound of groans coming from [s]the[/s] inside of the transports...


[s]And[/s] falling would give him away.


Or combine with the previous sentence, even if it means using triple dots...:wink:

As they finally reached [s]a[/s] cross roads in the dark, desolate halls, Luke paused.


Crossroads is one word. :wink:

"Left or right, Kochi?"


Checking the hologram map of the area, Kochi directed them left.


...projected from...?

It sounded like a magnified scream was echoing through her mind at intense volumes.


A magnified scream echoed through her mind at intense volumes. You make it too descriptive to say it sounded like... :)

"[s]Their[/s] They're hurting…someone…"


"What a shame, Lena… [s]you[/s] You still haven't [?] learned," he said with a [s]cruel[/s] [they tend to be cruel] smirk.


Reaching out through [s]what ever[/s] whatever connections she could find, the girl fought to get away from [s]what ever[/s] whatever he was holding.


I know you're there; I can feel you, sister. Please Help Me!! Don't let him….


No fourth period at the end here.

Shock flickered in her usually calm eyes.


Is there another word you could use besides shock? You used it about two times in the previous sentence. It just sounds awkward to say it again here.

"You go find the target…I have to go help someone."


You'll probably say in the next part, but would Luke just let her go like that?

It's done?? Nooo! I want to read more! :( Fine, I guess I can wait. PM me, though, when you have it up. :) Luckily I saw you post it when I was on the homepage, but I won't always be that lucky. :wink:

You're a fabulous writer, really and truly. Your characters are developed well so far, and will become even more clear as you write more. I love this so much. You are amazing! :)

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  








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