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Young Writers Society


Planet Hell Pt. 3



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Tue Jan 15, 2008 3:36 am
ridersofdamar says...



Heres part three sorry about all the dialoge, but i need to set up the story. enjoy.

The city Tristan called home was built on the edge of the frozen sea. Most of the surface buildings were made of cement with I-beam supports. A great twenty foot high wall surrounded the city. Underneath the surface was a giant cavern holding tons of concrete lined corridors twisting and turning like a maze through the frozen ice bed. Homes and shops were located here for protection. The buildings were made out of wood with a double layer of insulation and were protected by a concrete shell.

Tristan found himself in one of these buildings, but one with a different purpose. There was a sloping floor with rows of chairs all the way down to a circular stage against the far wall. A man sat chained to a chair in the center of that stage. Hundreds of people sat in the seats, their faces avidly watching the man.

The man was surprisingly dark skinned for the low amount of sun in the frozen world above. He had Dark wavy hair that was combed back across his head. One cold blue eye stared out at the people in the seats. A bright pink scar ran from his chin up to his hair line passing through his left eye.

“Everyone for two miles around that isnt a pirate or dead is here to watch him. I don’t think this will be a day he will easily forget; if he lives to forget it that is.” Gavin said quietly to Tristan.

He had to lean over to reach Tristan’s ear, seeing as Tristan was in an old wheelchair. His leg was stuck out in front of him on a sling.

“But if what he claims is true, then he is a prince and should be used to having people come just to watch him. The concept is the same even if these people here want to hang you and the others to glorify you.”

Gavin nodded in agreement.

“Shut up, the hearin's startin.” The Sarge said from Tristan’s left.

A great voice boomed out across the room echoing from corner to corner, “This is the hearing of Mr. Dominique Echavarez on March the third, year 57 of the New Era. On this date we will decide weather or not the suspect is guilty of criminal charges and what punishment brought upon him.”

Tristan instinctively sought the sound and saw no place where the voice could be coming form until he realized that the governor was standing in a glass cage suspended from the ceiling behind him.

“Have you ever been affiliated with a pirate group?" The voice asked.

The man looked up, “Yes." Then he started to laugh, "Now that we have that out of the way maybe you can decide my punishment so I can get out of this hell hole."

"Thank you, Mr. Echavarez" The voice said calmly. "What pirate groups were you associated with?”

The man didn’t answer.

“Were you a member of the Thrashers? The Redskins? The Raiders? Which Pirate party?” the voice said.

The man made a sound. He laughed and threw his head back. He was laughing so hard tears were falling from his eyes. Hie looked at the cage where the Governor was speaking, “My loud friend I am not merely a pirate. I am a Saint. A Prince. Such a man as mehas an entire army at his command. He could command a legion to kill themselves and not even scratch the surface of his ranks. This man would be-" he paused "A Tyrant who conquers all, as I am."

“Who brought the joker in?” Tristan asked the Sergeant quietly, "We're not getting anywhere."

He yelled out to Dominique, “Thats funny. I would think that a Tyrant Prince, who has conquered everyone from wherever the hell you came from to here wouldn't allow three men to bring you in alive."

"I allowed those men to capture me so i could warn you. Warn you of the black cloud that is coming. They will get me or I will die, either way... you lose."
****************

Tristan leaned back in his chair and looked at the men around him. The governor, his six politicians, Gavin and sarge were all there.

The governor looked at the men around him, "got anything to say gentleman?"

Tristan spoke up, "The story he told is insanity, its too crazy to make up, there aren't enough people in the world that you can throw them away like that. But the thing that gets at me is that I think he actually believed what he was saying."

One of the politicians spoke up, "Another thing, he looks Latino, so he has either been living here for a long time, which I doubt, because i've never heard of the Saints, or he came a very long way to make empty threats.

Gavin sighed, "Is anyone going to mention the army at our doorstep?"

"That is a concern and, I have something about the issue." a man in a dark green suit with a golden cord looped around one shoulder stood up.

The governor introduced the man, "For those of you new to the council this is Albert Shephard, the Chief of Security from New Haven our allied city to the south. Next to him is Mike Gambo, Head of Security."

Shephard placed a small black tube on the table where he was sitting and motioned for Gavin to turn off the lights.

When the lights went off light ejected from the screen portraying a image on the wall. A badge with an eagle holding a scroll was displayed on the wall with bold red leatters reading 'Top Secret'.

"Throughout time each country has had its own unit based on countering terror. The British had the S.A.S, the U.S. had Delta Force and so on. What we are proposing is a counter terror unit based around the threat posed by the Saints. The Tactics and Reconisace Advanced Combad Enabled Regiment- or T.R.A.C.E.R- will be trained to fight in all situations and in all circumstances."

One of the senators interupted, "Excuse me, but where would the Tracers train? There isn't much safe land around now adays with the amount of pirates in the area."

A second senator spoke up, "Where would the supplies come from? We couldn't supply a whole army, and what about cost? This project will cost a fortune and it would take years to train the type of force we would need."

The wall screen changed to show a map of old New York City with a section outlined in red.

"The Tracers would train here. There is plenty of unsused land and a variety of environments, also pirate activity in the area is minimal. Supplies will either be supplied by New Haven or built on sight."

"And the costs?"

"Normally the costs to train an army are well over what we would normally pay, and in the time limit we have now, unmentionable. But image ten or so squads with only five members, each especially trained in one area of combat, each one a supersoldier. These units could operate behind enemy lines undetected, and deal unimaginable damage. I assure whatever the cost, it is worth it."

The idea was intruiging, Tristan had to admit. There had never been any force quite like it. He would have to request more information from the Governor.

The discussion carried on for a little longer before the Governor called a halt.

"The meeting is adjourned for now, but will be resumed tomorrow at three o'clock. Good evening gentlemen."

Tristan was the first out the door with Gavin close behind.

"Finally some rest!", Gavin yelled to the night sky.

"And a hot cup of cocoa." Tristan grinned all the way back home, The issue of the saints completely off his mind.




*edit* I redid the complete last part and eddited teh second part, hope its better, and the talking is about to be over for the most part



**************************
Last edited by ridersofdamar on Sat Jan 26, 2008 3:26 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Fri Jan 18, 2008 3:42 am
ridersofdamar says...



oh come on, is it that bad?and i know i made some mistakes
Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
  





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Mon Jan 21, 2008 5:43 am
ridersofdamar says...



teh new era
lol
  





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Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:10 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Herro there! :)

I'm baaaaaack!

Okay - to your story!

----------------------------------

The city Tristan called home was built on the edge of the frozen sea. Most of the surface buildings were made of cement with I-beam supports. A great twenty foot high wall surrounded the city. Underneath the surface was a giant cavern holding tons of Concrete <--------- concrete doesn't need capitalization ----------- lined corridors twisting and turning like a maze through the frozen ice bed. Down in these tunnels were the important buildings, the ones that, if destroyed would be disastrous to the economy <---------- screwy sentence, it could be structured better ----------. Civilians made their homes down below as well since the temperature was generally stable and wind could not reach ---------- wooo. . . that was a terrible sentence too -------------. The buildings were made out of wood with a double layer of insulation and had a concrete outer shell for added protection and support for the ice ---------- this sounds good, but I think it needs to be rewritten --------------.

Tristan found himself in one of these buildings, but one with a different purpose. There was a sloping floor with rows of chairs all the way down to a circular stage against the far wall. A man sat chained to a chair in the center of that stage. Hundreds of people sat in the chairs, their faces avidly watching the man on the stage ------------ you use the words "stage" and "chairs" twice in a row :) find synonms ------------.

The man was surprisingly dark skinned for the low amount of sun in the frozen world above. He had Dark wavy hair that was combed back across his head. One cold blue eye stared out at the people in the seats. A bright pink scar ran from his chin up to his hair line passing through his eye and permanently blinding him ------------- how would they know that? And tell us which eye is blind :) ---------------------.

“Nearly everyone in one of the biggest towns left on the east coast is here just for him ---------------- poorly structured sentence tsk tsk tsk --------------. I don’t think this will be a day he will easily forget; if he lives to forget it that is.” Gavin said quietly to Tristan.

He had to lean over to reach Tristan’s ear, seeing as Tristan was in an old wheelchair. His leg was stuck out in front of him on a sling.

“But if what he claims is true then he is a prince and should be used to having people hang on his every movement. Even if they do so out of resentment instead of awe. ---------------- ?? that was a bit awkward. Rewrite to sound more natural -------------”

Gavin nodded in agreement.

“Shut up the gov’ner speakin ------------ *shudders* Terrible. Read that out loud to yourself. No-one speaks like that ----------------.” The Sarge said from Tristan’s left.

A great voice boomed out across the room echoing from corner to corner, “This is the hearing of Mr. Dominique Echavarez on March the third, year 57 of the New Era. On this date we will decide weather or not the suspect is guilty of criminal charges and what punishment shall be applied.” ------------ *claps* This is better. Though the word "applied" doesn't seem to fit --------------

Tristan instinctively sought the sound and saw no place where the voice could be coming form until he realized that the governor was standing in a glass cage suspended from the ceiling behind him.

“Have you ever been affiliated with a pirate group?" The voice asked <------- fullstop. period ----------

The man looked up, “Yes." Then he started to laugh, "Now that we have that out of the way maybe you can decide my punishment so I can get out of this hell hole."

---------"------->Thank you, Mr. Echavarez <---------- period ---------" The voice said shakily ----------- why would the voice be shaky? Doesn't make sense ---------. "What pirate groups were you associated with?”

The man didn’t answer.

“Were you a member of the Crimson Raiders? Gut Grinders? Hell’s Avengers? Which Pirate party?” the voice said. ------------ Hmm. . . The names are a bit ridiculous. Maybe more mundane names are needed ---------------

The man made a sound. It at first sounded like crying, but after a second you could tell he was laughing hysterically ---------------- sentence written wrong ----------. His eyes focused on the cage where the Governor was speaking, “My loud friend The Prince of the Templar’s of the Dark Flame does not simply belong to a pirate group. This man is an army. An army so terrifying that it cannot be killed. An invincible army in black-" His voice rose in pitch, "All for me..." He looked at the open mouths of the audience, "Why so sad? Let’s put a smile on that face!" He screamed and laughed madly. ------------------- What the hell? That whole PARAGRAPH confused me. . . What? The man is an army? What? Maybe there's a typo somewhere in there -------------

“Who brought the joker in?” Tristan asked the Sergeant quietly, "We're not getting anywhere."

He yelled out to Dominique, “The two I shot seemed pretty dead to me. I don’t know it might have been an illusion but one had two holes in his head and the other three were being burned. <----- " and, this sentence is pretty badly structured too --------

The scar on the pirates mouth grew read ------- red --------- and spittle flew from his mouth ---------- you've used the word "mouth" twice ------------, “The men you killed were merely slaves to the might to come." He made a visible effort to calm down, "They will come for me and you will die. All of you."

-------------------------

I have to have dinner now. . . I'll do the rest when I come back :) So far this is still good, but I think action scenes are your forte :)

- jai -
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  








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