Young Writers Society

Chapter one: The nest.


The tunnels were humid and dark; matching scenery for the feelings of self blame that weighed our hearts. Our escape had been by the skin of our teeth and in the process we'd lost a valuable comrade. For awhile we marched through the catacomb's deep chambers without a word. The small scuttling sounds of the cave critters echoed all around as they watched us, observed us, like eager spectators watching some kind of sport. I couldn’t see them…but I could feel them, their yellow almond shaped eyes. Watching us, mocking us, blaming us…

“Sweet Jesus…Commander you need to see this!" Bomber, our heavy gunmen, had just stopped in his tracks. He was at the head of the group, his body was a shadow compared to the brilliant beam of light that shone from his flash light. His beam was now focused on a cave entrance not too far from us. Even the flash light’s beam could not cut through the ominous darkness this new entrance withheld.

"What is it?" The Commander asked as he caught up to Bomber leaving Tye and me behind with Conner.

"What-do you think’s-happening,” Conner rasped. His skin had turned pale and his eyes were bloodshot. The damaged soldier was not doing well.

"Maybe we should take a rest." I said, motioning for Tye to help me carry him over to a patch of rocks where we could lay him down. Even though Tye and I had carried him on a stretcher for most of our journey after we escaped the Roxia, the gash on Conner's leg had still managed to open up again. Grimacing slightly-with the help of Tye-I began to undergo the task of flipping the wounded soldier onto his side to check on the wound. Tye unwrapped the bandage while I un-hooked a flash light from my belt.

“Make sure the leg is elevated,” I added. Tye nodded before promptly propping Conner’s leg on a rock. I aimed the flashlight’s brilliant beam at the soldier’s leg and leaned forward. Blood still seeped through the wound making the actual wound its self difficult to see. I nodded signaling for Tye to wipe the wound then looked back for a better view. A vertical gash ran along the leg of the soldier-just below the knee and stopping before it reached the ankle. The wound on his leg was deep, without proper care he could go septic. If we didn't get this guy back to the colony soon it was obvious that he'd die.

Tye was the first to notice Commander Zaff approaching and tapped me on the shoulder. The two of us immediately stood at attention in the presence of our leading commander.

"At ease, gentlemen."

"Yes, sir" we said as we sat back down awkwardly. It was amazing how the Commander could hold such a stoic expression while we had the odds stacked so high against us. We were in the middle of uncharted territory. Until just recently we had no idea this place existed. Even though our current location appeared similar to the tunnels we normally tracked through, there was a distinct difference. There was liveliness in the air…almost like an electric buzz. It almost seemed that the very air was telling us that we didn’t belong here, that we’d overstepped our bounds…

"What I came over here for" he continued “was to borrow your observation skills."

"But, Sir, are you sure?" I asked "I'm just a medical tech-"

“And you are also our only scientist, and cave specialist we have.” Not sure what to say I glanced over in Tye's direction then down at the wounded Conner.


"It’s cool" Tye interrupted a reassuring smile on his face "I've been watching you treat him. I think I can handle things"

"Well, soldier there you have it. Come with me." Zaff said as he turned and started back the way he came. I sighed then fell instep beside him.

In a matter of minutes we were standing beside Bomber at the cave entrance, his light cut into the cavern’s darkness to reveal a white glistening surface seemingly working as a membrane that blocked the entrance to the cave. Or maybe…it was protecting it. I reached out and touched the glossy surface. It was flimsy, and sticky, like a web.

“May I?” I asked, as I retrieved a pocket knife from my belt strap. The Commander nodded and raised his arched his eye brows as if to say ‘You didn’t even have to ask.’ I stabbed my knife into the tough polymer and there was a soft ripping sound as I cut a wide gapping hole into the web. Soft blue light leaked out of the cavern and into the dark tunnel. Each of us stared into the hole with quiet amazement. I knew what I saw was impossible, yet there it was. The cavern was field with hundreds more of the strange white strands all zigzagging throughout the cavern, dividing it into complex maze of twists and turns.

"I've never seen anything-" I started to say but stopped, because it was obvious this was exactly what the other two were thinking.

"This is definitely not Roxia technology." Bomber commented.

"Then who do you think built it?" I asked "It certainly wasn't any of our people." Suddenly, I remembered what the old senior in the village told me…

"This planet was never ours from the beginning lad." I shivered.

"There’s no way all of this just sprang up out of no where." The Commander said, looking surprised for the first time.

"Maybe," I started not sure of what I was saying "maybe it wasn't made by humans."

"You think this was made by some kind of monster" Bomber criticized. I shrugged.

"There’s no such thing as monsters" The Commander stated, his complementary stoic face returned (eyes cool and calculating) “The catacombs are the only place on this planet that is warm enough for life to exist. Other than our current threat known as the Roxia, we are the only intelligent life forms down here.”

Bomber shrugged. “I don’t know sir, God works in some mysterious ways. Maybe, this is his way of proving that, man does not know as much as he think’s.”

“I liked you better when you didn't believe in God." Zaff said arching his eye brows slightly with his complementary "no it all" look.

"I just don't think it’s a good idea for us to go that-" I started to say before the Commander cut me off.

"Regardless we need to press forward. Conner's not going to last any longer out here, and there’s no other way for us to go. Back tracking would be suicide there’s a whole army of Roxia behind us." With that being said The Commander started back towards the others leaving Bomber and me behind. I sighed and hurried to fall in step behind him. I had a bad feeling about the Commander’s choice. Even though what the he had said was true I couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to pop out of the shadows at any moment…

Welcome to the YWS! I'm Sumi, and you can PM me anytime you have any questions on the forum.
First off, it's common courtesy here to write at least two reviews before posting your own, keeping the review to story ratio at least 2:1 -- it keeps the critiques flowing, see?

A couple of things I noticed through the dialogue was the...unprofessionalism of the soldiers? XD The Commander's saying "Okay" and "alright", and that doesn't sound very commander-like. If you want Zaff to come across as a nonchalant character, have the narrator comment, in passing, on how he was too lax.

The other thing I noticed was that you use "deviant" dialogue tags entirely too often. Don't be afraid of the word said! It is your best friend, and you should treat it as such! It's the trademark sign of an amateur writer to be afraid of using said too much, and even then with adverbs after that. When the best comes to the best, you don't want to use tags at all -- the character's voices alone should dictate who is speaking, and you will be able to integrate the dialogue into action. With a commander and soldiers, who are usually held to such strict speaking guidlines, it should be a little easier. Give it a shot, eh?

On the subject of grammar, some of your sentences are a little long, and could easily be divided. Others are lacking commas in critical places; those are easily spotted, just follow the rule of Natural Punctuation.

The rule of Natural Punctuation, aside from noticing that it is incorrectly capitalized, states that, if you are reading your work aloud, you should put commas where you naturally take a breath. Thus, "Hello how are you?", which looks quite unnatural and speeded, is turned into, "Hello, how are you?", much more relaxed and natural sounding. Get it? Don't you underestimate the use of grammar in expression!

"...Hello." is taken as unfriendly, cold, sad or depressed.
"Hello." Glum, calm or just blah.
"Hello!" Happy, cheery or excited.

You see? By using some simple tricks of punctuation you won't need to use tags.

Hmmm...the spider-nest thing is also kind of cliched, but I think you might be able to pull it off well. You know what would be great? The old geezer in the story mentioned that the planet was never theirs -- does that mean the spiders are intelligent? Because that would be great. Even better, make them peaceful creatures. Take an idea, give it a twist, it'll always have a little more zing in it.

The last thing I feel the need to point out is that the setting is unclear. At first I thought that the story was set in the winter from the description of Conner's white face, but then you mention that it was raining, so I'm confused. Perhaps, in the second draft, you could clear that up a bit?

I hope I've been helpful! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions on my review.

Cheers,
Sumi

Welcome to YWS!

Firstly, is this at all based on the video game for the 360? I've never played it and don't know much about it, but I was curious.

Also, run a quick spell check. There weren't many misspelled words, but there were a few; all of which a spell check would have picked up.

What you need to go through and do is expand on the descriptions. Your dialogue is quite good, but for a story like this, you need very vivid descriptions. For instance, just saying 'web' or 'cavern' isn't enough. You need to talk about the web; what does it look like? What color is it? Does it look like a spider web?

For the cavern, describe the feel of the walls & the lighting. Are the walls smooth? Wet? Do they reflect light or absorb it? Is there anything growing on them? Stalagmites? Stalactites?

Keep on developing this as I think what you have here could be a great beginning to a sci-fi novel.