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Operation: Keystone



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Mon Jan 08, 2007 7:53 pm
Soul of the Phantom says...



Operation: Keystone



Chapter 1:


Officer 5th Class Lind Striker braced his rifle and let loose a volley of semi-automatic fire into the incoming ‘Sucker swarm. The 77-SABER kicked like the horses back home at the farm on Tri-World 3.

A Lich dropped like a shack of rocks, fist sized holes creating by the bullets from the gun showed cleaning from it's chest. Great, one down, 99,999 thousand left to go.

A horn sounded from nowhere, and the Lich Swarm started to retreat, but the battle was far from over. Lind Stood up and looked around, taking in the landscape of Tri-World 3.

Tri-World 3 was known in the Alliance for its low grasp on technology and large amounts of grasslands, and the only planet in the Alliance to have animals of any kind that were larger then an beetle, and for it’s large amount of natural resources.

Unfortunately for the people of Tri-World 3 the Lich scum found the key code to Tri-World 3’s Doorway system and were attempting to rip the world apart with their bare claws. It was depressing to know that this world would have been saved from the Lich Swarm if only the 4th Legion held their defensive line long enough for the 7th Legion to reach them and provide support.

A voice piped in on his built-in radio in his armour. “What is your stats Head bashers?”

It was Tri-Alliance command.

“Not well sir, the ‘suckers have stopped the attack for now, but we are way under strength here, if I could request sir, we need extraction ASAP.”

“Request denied.”

Lind understood why command did not what to reatreat from this battle . Ff this battle was lost the Tri-World would fall into the ‘suckers hands, and the people of Tri-World 3 would become slaves and food to the Lich. That thought brought Lind back to the real world. His legion platoon, the 521st Head bashers were ordered to defend the Ash Slopes at all costs, or die in the process. And as Lind examined his platoons stats, that would soon happen. Only fifty legionaries out of five hundred remained, and thousands of Lichs were attacking them.

“But sir, we will not last long, we might kill a few ‘suckers, but we won’t win this! I repeat extraction is needed.”

“Request denied.”

Lind was about to burst into anger and start cursing command for bring them into this hell hole when Lind had an idea.

“Sir, if we are going to hold this for you we need support right now.”

“Already done Officer, support is on its way, I repeat support is on its way. ETA in five minutes.”

The connection signed off with a beep.

Lind cursed but stopped in mid-word when he heard a dreadful sound. The thumping of marching feet. Many, many marching feet. Lind made a radio connection with his remaining soldiers.

“’Suckers approaching! Get into cover now! Move it!”

But he was too late to safe his point guard.

He heard their screams over the radio as his men died. Lind might as well as have shot them in the head himself. He heard gunfire across the hill as his men fought back, but it was no use, forty men defenting thousands of 'suckers only happened in dreams.

The ten men of his bodyguard stiffed in shock as their friends died in the most horrible way possible. Lind turned slowly around to them and whispered into the radio to them.

“Take cover.”

The platoon had good cover; they had the 22ed Engineering Core bring down the houses and stone buildings around the area to provide cover, they dug in and set up 22-MORNINGSTAR machine guns emplacements. But the Lich Swarm had one thing they did not, numbers. From what command told them over ten thousand 'suckers were in the first assault alone.


Then all dashed for a fallen pliers that was part of a once stone house, there next to the wreckage was a still-standing farm, the animals screaming, sensing what was about to come. Lind and his squad braced their SABERS down to where they knew the ‘suckers would come from.

Then a sound of VTOL engines was music to Lind’s ears. The VTOL-22 GRIFFION dropship appeared over a far off mountain and made it to their position in a matter of seconds. The GRIFFION made its landing and the hanger doors open and one figure walked down the ramp. What the hell? Lind thought, one soldier? Lind and his squad approached the figure. But it made it to them quicker then he thought possible.

Lind got his first up-close look at the soldier. He wore shining sliver armour, much like a knight from Mother Terra would have wore. Its helmet had a T shaped visor, and on either side of the helmet were golden eagle-like wings that folded into the warrior’s helmet. The warrior carried a SABER, the blade-rifle resting comforting in the warriors hands. The soldier was also at least almost seven feet tall.

Lind bowed to the warrior.

“Fifth class officer Lind Striker reporting sir.”

The warrior’s helmet slowly turned to the lowly officer, measuring him up. Finally it spoke to them through the radio.

“I am PWN-01 Legionnaire Sentinel Ultima designated and attached to the 7th Legion.”

Lind didn’t know what the hell a Sentinel was, or cared. Link what to get away from this place as soon as possible. Lind bowed again, and started walking off to the dropship. A hand shot out faster then lighting and impact Lind in the ribcage, throwing him to the ground.

“Where do you think you are going officer?”

Lind coughed up a glob blood and screamed at Ultima.

“What the hell do you think I am doing? I am getting off this rock, I had enough of this war, and I want to go home.”

There was a long silence as Ultima slowly approached the officer. The Sentinel looked down on the puny officer and aim the blade-rifle one handed was it was pointing at Lind’s head. Lind felt a wave of fear wash through every part of his body at once. What the hell was going on?

“Do you serve the Tri-Alliance, officer?”

Before Lind could answer Ultima pulled the trigger and Lind’s head exploded into a mass or blood and gore. His body guard yelled in surprise and scream at Ultima.

“Why did you kill one of us? A goddamn human for Mother’s shake!”

Ultima slowly turned to the speaker.

“If you do not serve the Tri-Alliance, gave up your very soul to it, you are not a human anymore, you are a Lich. And the Alliance has declared the Lich Swarm is the enemy. Therefore Officer Lind was the enemy, and I kill the enemy. Is there a problem legionnaire?”

The squad knew this was a line from the sworn oath that all legionnaire’s took when the came into service into the legions. And that they could not argue with this cold-blooded killer.

“No sir.”

“Good, now let us go and kill the enemy legionnaire.”
Last edited by Soul of the Phantom on Tue Jan 09, 2007 9:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Jan 09, 2007 5:34 pm
Swires says...



Officer 5th Class Lind Striker braced his rifle and let loose a volley of semi-automatic fire into the incoming ‘Sucker swarm. The 77-SABER kicked like the horses back home at the farm on Tri-World 3.


There is a lot of jargon here, perhaps unnecessary. TOo sciency. COnsider rephrasing or cutting some of it down.

A Lich dropped like a shack of rocks, fist sized holes creating by the bullets from the gun showed cleaning from it's chest. Great, one down, 99,999 thousand left to go.


Do shacks of rocks drop? Bad Metaphor. We have a bit of character in-sight in the last sentence here.
A horn sounded from nowhere, and the Lich Swarm started to retreat, but the battle was far from over. Lind Stood up and looked around, taking in the landscape of Tri-World 3.


A horn did not sound from nowhere because it cant sound if it is no where.... Just write "a horn sounded"
Tri-World 3 was known in the Alliance for its low grasp on technology and large amounts of grasslands, and the only planet in the Alliance to have animals of any kind that were larger then an beetle, and for it’s large amount of natural resources.


Tiny bit of info dumping here, consider scrapping it and including it later in the story.

Unfortunately for the people of Tri-World 3 the Lich scum found the key code to Tri-World 3’s Doorway system and were attempting to rip the world apart with their bare claws. It was depressing to know that this world would have been saved from the Lich Swarm if only the 4th Legion held their defensive line long enough for the 7th Legion to reach them and provide support.


You tell us the story prettyu quickly, through no character discussion etc... You may want this to be discussed and explained after the battle.




Lind understood why command did not what to reatreat from this battle . Ff this battle was lost the Tri-World would fall into the ‘suckers hands, and the people of Tri-World 3 would become slaves and food to the Lich. That thought brought Lind back to the real world. His legion platoon, the 521st Head bashers were ordered to defend the Ash Slopes at all costs, or die in the process. And as Lind examined his platoons stats, that would soon happen. Only fifty legionaries out of five hundred remained, and thousands of Lichs were attacking them.


Spell: "retreat"
Error: "Ff"

Also - what is this Lich you talk of, what are bashers? You have just thrown it at us.

Ok - no need to read more.

Points to Consider:

:arrow: Information overload, you are telling us too much about the world etc. When what we really need to know is only the current things.

:arrow: What are bashers, suckers and Lich? You dont explain these even though you explain other, irrellevant things.

:arrow: A few spelling errors, you may want to run a spell check in world or on YWS.

:arrow: In terms of prose this is good and doesnt have a boring tone. If you get the story into shape it could be interesting.

:arrow: Pacing - you are rushing through things, take your time, absorb things through your character in order to pull us into the atmosphere. What are his attitudes etc.

/Adam
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
  





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Gender: Male
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Tue Jan 09, 2007 8:32 pm
Soul of the Phantom says...



Thanks for the review Phorcys!

I appreciate this review, since informs me of stuff I overloaded on :P.

As we speak I am rewriting this chapter to better fit what you have explained to me and and informed me of.

Thanks again!

-Phantom
Lost Odyssey, Xbox 360:
Jansen: "What? We gotta cross the mountain? Your kidding there isn't even a road!"
Seth: "Your in trouble if you wear out this easily..."
Jansen: "WELL I DON'T WEAR OUT IN BED!"
  








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