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Mr. Wonderful ~1&2~



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Thu Dec 29, 2011 9:48 pm
LadySpark says...



Yeah! New novel. Yes, this is an adorable romance, no plot (hardly) meant to make you fuzzy inside. :P It is mainly just to show there are REAL romances still on this earth, and to keep you hoping for a new chapter.... :D And yes, I mean it to be short. This is her dreaming, and him dreaming... Sort of? Anyway, it's basically a bunch of scenes linked together...


Lissie's Version of Events-
Elizabeth Lucille Miller


1.
The first time I saw him standing there, at the edge of his driveway, it was the end of Summer. School hadn’t started yet, though it was just around the corner. I was riding my bike on the hardly used road outside our house, keeping an eye on the new neighbors that were moving in. His family had moved into the house across the street from my family. At first glance, he seemed normal. A regular teenager. As I turned my bike around to make the circle I had been making for an hour, I looked closer at him. Two things jumped out at me. The first was his height. He had to be close to 6’6, and had a gangly frame. And then there was his hair. The only way to describe it would be two words. Harry Potter. Black, messy hair, that was swept to the side hastily, his bangs still brushing his forehead.

It might seem cliche, but I felt my heart practically stop when I realized that he looked like Harry. My arms and hands went slack and the bike swerved out of control. I regained the control quickly however, expertly grabbing the bars and pressing on the brake handle. My face was beet red, and I knew it too. The boy had stopped looking amused and curious. I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at him, and then turned my mind, as I peddled down my driveway, to thoroughly cussing myself out or letting a boy make me so stupid.
Just a boy. the evil voice inside my brain (the one that never let’s you have any fun, also called a conscience) said. Just a boy. Nothing more.

I didn’t know it, but I was in love with the boy whom I would come to call, in my thoughts, Mr. Wonderful.

2.

To get my mind back on normal, unromantic thoughts, I headed up to my spot in the woods behind my house. I had found the spot years ago, when I was in need of a place to think. It was sort of like the Room of Requirement. I walked to the edge of the new boy’s property, heading up the steep hill to the deer path that was blocked from view on the ground. I had taken me many plunders through the woods to find that path. I walked past the club house with the fireman’s pole, and kept walking through the spare trees. The leaves were just beginning to change, to turn into wild, unruly colors. Some trees were gold, their green leaves already turned. Other tree’s were still green. It was so unorganized, so unorthodox, that I wanted to lay on my back and delight in the Temptress we call early September. I held onto one skinny tree’s trunk, sniffing the warm air and feeling the chill of true fall flowing through my lungs. Now Elizabeth. I thought to myself. Stop gawking at the world and get on with it. I continued walking, and reached the deer path slightly out o breath. It was a steep climb. When I finally got to my spot, a flat space that had a large fallen tree across it, I sat down. The large trunk protecting me from the sun’s hot afternoon rays. I leaned back, content, my fingers laced behind my head, my mouth turned up in a smile. I don’t know how long I lay there, because suddenly I felt a presence in my sanctuary. I sat up, and saw it was the boy that had just moved in.
“Hi.” He said, flashing a grin that was mischievous and sweet at the same time.
“Hi,” I said back, quickly standing up, brushing off dead leaves. “May I ask what you’re doing here?” I said, my voice a little hoarse.
“Well, it is my property.” He replied, his grin flashing again.
“I’m sorry!” I said, instantly regretting saying anything at all. “It didn’t occur... I’ve always--”
“It’s okay.” He said, his eyes trained on mine. “I won’t tell anyone.”
And then he was gone, walking off the path an disappearing in the trees, almost as if he really was Harry Potter.

Mr. Wonderful's Version of Events
Jarred Coy Perdivan


1.
I heaved on the box, looking forward to the day when I didn’t have to lug boxes into the new house anymore. The girl who had been riding past on her bike, over and over again passed again, and this time, I got a good look at her. She had shoulder length auburn hair, that was pulled into a messy bun at the nape of her neck. Her skin was tan from being out in the sun all summer, and even from this distance, I could see the sparkle that flickered in her eyes. She was insanely pretty, and very much out of my league. I tossed my hair out of my eyes and watched her. She caught sight of me watching, and her face visibly paled. As she sped past, she lost control of the bike, the handle bars slipping from her grasp. Her cheeks reddened, but she grabbed the bars back and steered perfectly back into a swoop, then stopping. She was blushing hard now, and I watched her, slightly amused. She didn’t glance at me, but started peddling off, her cheeks still red. I watched her go, hoping she’d pass again and I’d get to see the beautiful face. A small face, like a child, with a doll like quality. And then a glimmer of innocence that hovered over her whole body. She certainly was a beauty.

I carried the box into the house, already nicknaming her in my mind. I knew her name, my mother had told me. Lissie. I thought, smiling as I placed the cardboard box on top of some others that were marked KITCHEN in black sharpie. She’s a Lissie.
And even though I had never even talked to her, I found myself imagining what it would be like to kiss her.

2.
I rolled my eyes. My mother had instructed me to get out from under her hair, so she could unpack. Grabbing a jacket and began wandering up the steep hillside beside our house, thinking how quiet it was. Reaching a deer path, I began to follow it, noting the footprints in the soft soil beneath my feet. I followed the prints, down the deer path and saw a flat clearing, where she was laying with her head in her hands, looking like a cat on a window sill full of sunshine. Stepping off the path, I hid carefully behind a large oak. I watched her. She really was pretty. It was hard to get over it. Also, she was very tiny. So tiny, if I even so much as held her hand, I would be afraid of crushing it in my hand. She wasn’t tall either. In fact, everything about her was small. She was almost like a fairy, tiny and delicate, but also strong and able. I wouldn’t have been surprised if large iridescent wings popped out of her back, and she flew off into the woods, her hair streaming long and wavy behind her. Even her clothes echoed that of a fairy. She wore a sundress, that fluttered in the breeze. Over the dress she wore a soft, sweater keeping her warm and adding to the fairy similarity.

I decided to reveal myself. I couldn’t stand and gawk at her beauty forever. Stepping into the clearing, I waited for her to realize I was there. She opened her eyes and looked up, almost instantly, a smile flickering across her small face. “Hi.” I said, grinning, trying to let myself be myself without shyness butting in.
“Hi.” She replied. I almost melted at her words. Her voice was soft, but I could tell there was strongness behind it. This was a voice used to being heard. She stood up and brushed the leaves of her, picking them from her tights and skirt hem. “May I ask what you’re doing here?” She said, her eyes roaming over me.
“Well, it is my property.” I said, grinning again despite myself.
She paled and looked worried. “I’m sorry! It didn’t occur.. I’ve always--”
“It’s okay.” I said, catching her gaze and holding it. “I won’t tell anyone.”
I turned on my heel and stepped off the path, and started walking along beside it, instead of on it.
She’s different. A voice echoed in my head. Different than any girl you have, or ever will meet.
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  





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Wed Jan 04, 2012 11:06 am
Demeter says...



Hi, Drama!

I liked the short scenes. It felt a bit different, and with something like this, you don't really need anything longer, especially if you're going to have every scene in two different points of view.

A couple of technical things first: the punctuation in your dialogue was a bit off at times. You'd have sections like this:

“Well, it is my property.” He replied


The period should be a comma, and "he" should be uncapitalised. I wrote an article about this a couple of years ago, so I'm just going to link it here just in case :)


Just a boy. the evil voice inside my brain (the one that never let’s you have any fun, also called a conscience) said. Just a boy. Nothing more.

The dialogue punctuation applies to these kind of sections as well, even though you don't have any quotation marks which can make it seem difficult. Here, you can make this correct by replacing the period after the first "just a boy" with a comma.

I also suggest using some line breaks. Indeed, these are short scenes, which makes it a lot easier to read, but line breaks still help. They also add some drama (no pun intended ;))


It might seem cliche, but I felt my heart practically stop when I realized that he looked like Harry.


Well, yes... it is kind of cliché, and though I appreciate that even the narrator knows it, you might still do better without it. Also - why is the Harry thing so important here? Is she madly in love with the Harry Potter character or something? I do like the Harry Potter reference in general; it makes it easy to see what the boy looks like. (For some reason, I'm only imagining Darren Criss now.)


I had found the spot years ago, when I was in need of a place to think. It was sort of like the Room of Requirement.


This might be fine unless you had already referenced Harry Potter. I mean, one reference is completely sufficient. More than that sort of gives me the feeling that either the author is a fanatic, or the story will have something to do with Harry, or just all these thoughts that I shouldn't be having.



It was so unorganized, so unorthodox, that I wanted to lay on my back and delight in the Temptress we call early September.


The temptress thing is a fine description, but I don't think it suits this kind of a story/character. Save it up for later :)


The large trunk protecting me from the sun’s hot afternoon rays.


This isn't a sentence, you know? It lacks a finite verb. This kind of phrasing is often used for effect, but there's hardly any drama in this part, so it just seems kind of strange.


Also, she was very tiny. -- She wasn’t tall either.


This part just confused me, because "tiny" already makes me think very short and skinny.


She was almost like a fairy, tiny and delicate, but also strong and able. I wouldn’t have been surprised if large iridescent wings popped out of her back, and she flew off into the woods, her hair streaming long and wavy behind her. Even her clothes echoed that of a fairy. She wore a sundress, that fluttered in the breeze. Over the dress she wore a soft, sweater keeping her warm and adding to the fairy similarity.


I'm fine with one fairy comparison, but a whole paragraph of it? That's just cheesy. Especially the wing part. It also doesn't seem like something a young boy would think, but then again everyone's different.

Her voice was soft, but I could tell there was strongness behind it. This was a voice used to being heard.


Great description, a really nice touch. I can really imagine her voice now.


I liked how you were able to make the characters sound different even within such a short time. I also liked that even though we had to go through the same scene twice, it didn't really feel like that because the characters didn't describe the situations exactly in the same way. However, I really liked what you did at the end with the dialogue -- I mean, obviously it should be the same from both POVs, but it was still so nice. The two POVs thing works well with something as short as this, but not necessarily anything longer, so well done. The story itself didn't impress me that much, since it seemed kind of basic, but the way you carried it out added some spark (really, I don't mean to do this all the time xD).

Hope this helped!


Demeter
x
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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Wed Jan 04, 2012 12:03 pm
Mikko says...



I had a lovely long reveiw written, only to find that Demi beat me to it :shock:
If I didn't love Demi so much I'd be like :evil:
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams
  





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Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:50 pm
LadySpark says...



you still should have posted it, Marco >:) I like to have a least two opinions :PPPP
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  








Patience is the strength of the weak, impatience is the weakness of the strong.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher