Young Writers Society

Some idea I've been contemplating writing for awhile. Thought I might give it a shot. POVs will be rotating between two characters: Hans and Mia. This prologue is through Hans' POV. And it's very short.

*

Hans


I can see her. She stands with her arms crossed, waiting for the vendor to serve her. Her furrowed brows and downturned lips hint that she’s pressed for time, but the vendor – a tanned, black-haired Middle-Eastern man – doesn’t pick up on the cue. He takes his time, slowly mixing condiments over a hot dog. With an almost lethargic movement, he passes it to her and she takes it with a scowl. Then she’s off marching again, disrupting the pigeons that loiter in the paved paths. She takes a large bite of the hot dog and the way her mouth forms a perfect ‘O’ only shows that it’s too hot; she’s most likely already burnt the roof of her mouth.

She stops nearby to spit out the bite of hot dog into the garbage bin. And the whole time I’m only hoping she’ll come over to me, sit with me, talk to me. I don’t know where this sudden yearning has come from, but it’s there and I’m not about to deny it. She’s stunning in her impatience and seemingly average style. Her knitted tam is askew, the pins holding it slipping. Down her left hand drips the brownish mixture of ketchup, mustard and relish but she doesn’t seem to notice as she adjusts her large bag dangling from the other arm. Jerking her attention away now from her purse, she does notice the dripping much and less-than-gracefully licks it up along her arm. Once arranged and recovered from her run to the rubbish, she walks in a haltingly down the path. This time fewer pigeons scatter; she isn’t so exuberant this time ‘round.

When she stops before me, the heat rises to my cheeks (or the sun has a dry sense of humour). She doesn’t move, but I see the way her eyes twitch, darting over to look at me. She quickly glances around her, and, approving the lack of humans, she sidles toward me. She eyes me suspiciously and, in assurance, I blink the slightest bit. I can see the wave of shock that washes over her, but as soon as it comes, it is gone. A hesitant smile of askance instead replaces wide eyes and straight lips and she climbs onto the stone where I sit. She peers over my shoulder and begins to read a story of her life so far.

And that is the day a historic statue fell for a twenty-first century wild Manhattan girl.

Hello there.

I'll dive right in, shall I?

I can see her. She stands with her arms crossed, waiting for the vendor to serve her. Her furrowed brows and downturned lips hint that she’s pressed for time, but the vendor – a tanned, black-haired Middle-Eastern man – doesn’t pick up on the cue. He takes his time, slowly mixing condiments over a hot dog. With an almost lethargic movement, he passes it to her and she takes it with a scowl. Then she’s off marching again, disrupting the pigeons that loiter in the paved paths. She takes a large bite of the hot dog and the way her mouth forms a perfect ‘O’ only shows that it’s too hot; she’s most likely already burnt the roof of her mouth.

For a first paragraph, this one is quite bland. For instance, the way you're beginning your sentences - quite similar, easy, dull. It's simultaneously an interesting way to begin, with something seemingly innocuous, but I think that to truly make an impact you need to think a lot more about how you present your ideas so that it hits the reader that they just have to read your story! This paragraph, at the moment, won't hit anyone.

She stops nearby to spit out the bite of hot dog into the garbage bin. And the whole time I’m only hoping she’ll come over to me, sit with me, talk to me. I don’t know where this sudden yearning has come from, but it’s there and I’m not about to deny it. She’s stunning in her impatience and seemingly average style. Her knitted tam is askew, the pins holding it slipping. Down her left hand drips the brownish mixture of ketchup, mustard and relish but she doesn’t seem to notice as she adjusts her large bag dangling from the other arm. Jerking her attention away now from her purse, she does notice the dripping much and less-than-gracefully licks it up along her arm. Once arranged and recovered from her run to the rubbish, she walks in a haltingly down the path. This time fewer pigeons scatter; she isn’t so exuberant this time ‘round.

For this paragraph, my main point would be to cut down a little! For the same reason as mentioned above, you need to stop yourself falling into the trap that a lot of people writing prose to - that is, they run away with insignificant things that serve to only distract. Not only is this about details, but also about the way you describe them. For instance: describing the girl's appearance. It seems as though it's described in almost a list format, which really doesn't help you! Again, think about the way you're presenting your story and hopefully the mundane won't seem so mundane.

When she stops before me, the heat rises to my cheeks (or the sun has a dry sense of humour). She doesn’t move, but I see the way her eyes twitch, darting over to look at me. She quickly glances around her, and, approving the lack of humans, she sidles toward me. She eyes me suspiciously and, in assurance, I blink the slightest bit. I can see the wave of shock that washes over her, but as soon as it comes, it is gone. A hesitant smile of askance instead replaces wide eyes and straight lips and she climbs onto the stone where I sit. She peers over my shoulder and begins to read a story of her life so far.

Interesting ... Same things as said previously apply here, of course, so look through it! One thing: 'smile of askance'. Does that really work? Personally, I dislike it as a description, but that might just be me! Also, this part seems to move just slightly too quickly, try filling it out a little or just explaining thoroughly?

And that is the day a historic statue fell for a twenty-first century wild Manhattan girl.

If you want her to be wild, make her seem wild early on!
--

Okay, so from that I guess I have a few overall tips:

1) Shake up your sentences! Please.
2) If something isn't necessary ... delete!
3) Make the mundane seem less mundane with lurvly description.
4) Transition is important - don't move too quickly.

Lastly, just a general point to make! Honestly, as a prologue, I don't think this works too well at the moment. What I'd love is if you perhaps started the prologue with your last line: it would be an interesting and quirky way to start! From there, use what I've suggested to make the later paragraphs more interesting and smooth the whole thing out a little, but keep some mystery! Like, start one paragraph with "She read the story of her life whilst peering over my bronze shoulder" and then move back to how she climbed up next to the statue. Confusing, yes? Maybe. But what I'm trying to say is that you can make this much more interesting and shaken up than it is already. You can make writing so, so brilliant and it's a huge shame that you haven't (so far) twisted out every last drop of awesome that you could from this. Okay?

Hope this helps, dear. PM me with anything else. <3

Amy

Laavie! I'm here to review something of yours because you're awesome! =D

Well, this is pretty short but that doesn't really matter. Firstly, I do love the idea of alternating POV's because one of my most popular novels on YWS, Taboo, was also a romantic novel and with an alternating POV. It seemed to work well for me but at the same time, there were a few things which I couldn't capture - however for a romantic storyline, I think double POV's work quite well because we get both perspectives on the relationship rather than just one and each person has their own problems and views which makes reading it much more fun and different.

Also, I'm going to back Aqua with the prologue side to this, I don't think this works very well as a prologue. Usually a prologue gives a glimpse to the problem that will be evident in the novel but this is just the first meeting with a tiny glimpse of who gets the first crush. It's not exactly prologus-ish. :/

However, for the writing itself, I think it's done quite nicely and I've read some of your earlier projects and I do think you've improved which is wonderful. I like the description that you've used in here. However, there is something which I want to point out. You seem to drag the situation with too many explanations which can get boring. Don't explain every detail and like Aqua has stated, if you don't need it, delete it. Try to keep on the necessities and yes, that can be a very difficult task to accomplish because when you write something well, it may not be beneficial for the story so it's better off gone. However, there are so many times where I'm heartbroken over this because I love the way I've written something but it does nothing for the story! In the end, I tough it up and delete it.

Now for the idea itself, surely I've never really heard of a statue falling in love before! It's pretty amazing and I wonder where you plan to go with this. It's different and somehow has a melancholic and magical feel to it.

All in all, this is pretty decent for a short scene. Keep going and let me know if you need anything!

-Pink

Hey, Lavvie!

I've never really reviewed anything by you before, I guess. So, I'm gonna change that and I hope this review would help. Plus, I like Mia's name. Matching-matching!

As Amy said, I have the same problem. The first paragraph? It's actually not really interesting. Look, the point is that prologues are often over looked by reader-many just don't really read them, you see. But-if your prologue looks really refreshing, different, it might draw in your reader.

So, with that I'd like to say that explaining all the hot dog stuff, a scene from the road is not very enthralling. Whatever you wrote was nice, but it just didn't work for me as a prologue opener. You should have something else-something more spicy. Prologues are a good part of the novel to have your imagery, poetic feelings of the characters.

That's what I feel.

Also, the whole time there are just so many actions going on. She did that, she did that, etc. It was really boring. So, you should work on that so the readers don't really lose out interest in it. Besides, I feel that you can think of some other interesting opener. Like the statue standing there is nice, but the hot dog situation can be improved.

Your last line was nice-a good end. But I'm sorry that's the only thing I really liked. Other things were something I'd expect to read in a chapter, not a prologue. You should not maybe delve into too many descriptions, I suppose. Keep it dreamy, crisp and short.

This is all I've got to say. I am liking the title, too, Lavs! I know you can make this better and interesting.

Hope this helps.

Overall, I liked it, but didn't love it. However, the ending really sold it for me.
I loved how much personality the female character has, the impatience and attitude was really strong and it was interesting to see it from the statue's point of view.
Speaking of statue, oh my goodness, LOVED that twist. Totally didn't see it coming, but it still made sense when I read it.
Another thing I really liked was the vocabulary and that you didn't just repeat the same common words over and over and you didn't kill us with those dreaded -ly adjectives.
One thing I didn't like was the extreme, in depth detail of what the female character was doing. Yes, it did give us an idea of her personality, but it kinda seemed like over kill and it got boring.

This is probably me just being picky, but this bit really bothered me.

Down her left hand drips the brownish mixture of ketchup, mustard and relish but she doesn’t seem to notice as she adjusts her large bag dangling from the other arm. Jerking her attention away now from her purse, she does notice the dripping much and less-than-gracefully licks it up along her arm.

It just seems repetitive and awkward I guess. Like I said, maybe it's just me.

All in all, I liked and I definitely want to read more. I really hope you continue writing this story and I look forward to seeing more of your work.

-Riley

I'm terrible at this, so It's going to be more of a comment.

-I like the way it starts, but It seems a bit too overly discriptive, not as the, I'm guessing bronze statue describing the girl, but what she's doing more like.

- I'm re-pointing out something someone said before, about making her sound a wild before the end, because my first impression was, something like a socialite, and buissness woman.

Overall - this sounds SO INTERESTING, and deffo unique.

Keep writing ~