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I Love You Preface



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Sat Dec 17, 2011 12:07 am
WriteWriter says...



Summer


“Mom, I’m going out for a swim,” Claire Redburn called as she took a step outside and peeled off her robe, revealing a red ruffled bikini. It was the last day of summer in the Sunshine State and Claire was going to make it last. Her long, black hair appeared even blacker as the sun bounced off of it and she squinted her green eyes to avoid the harsh light. Claire wasn’t what you’d call an exercise junkie but she did enjoy exercise in her daily life. She quickly walked across the hot, bleach white sand and stopped at the edge of the water.

For 17 years today, Claire had lived in the blue beach house at the end of Jackson Drive in Colby, Florida. For 17 years, she’d woken every morning to the sound of the ocean and she’d crawled out of bed and slipped down the ladder attached to her second-story bedroom window, just to sit on the sand and watch as the morning sun rose over the ocean’s calm waves. Claire slipped a foot into the blue-green water as if testing the temperature and then, deciding it was warm enough for an afternoon swim, made a perfect arch and dived in. Claire loved the water; in fact, she’d been conceived and born in the very same ocean she now swam in. Her mom, Felicity, had been only 19 when Claire was born, and her father, Sam, had been 20.

Unfortunately, a year after they’d been married, and a day after Claire had turned two, her father was killed in a fishing accident not too far from home. Claire basically grew up without a father but that was fine, at least she had her mother. For the longest time, Claire thought she was adopted, because she looks nothing like her mother or her father. Her mother has gray eyes and blonde hair and her father had red hair and blue eyes. Claire stopped swimming as the memory of her father’s red curls swam through her mind, in that moment, she forgot to breathe.

Claire had seen a couple hundred doctors to try and get a diagnosis on her condition but no doctor had seen anything quite like her. She literally sees her memories in her head and every time she does, she stops breathing. Doctors had tried to case it as Dementia and Alzheimer’s, but she didn’t have any trouble not remembering things, that’s the problem. She remembered things in pictures in her head. Claire finally woke up from the memory but as she kicked her feet she realized one foot was stuck in a crevice, she was drowning.

She used every bit of her strength and kicked as fiercely as she could but it was no use. Then, just as her eyes started to close, she felt a hand pull her loose and drag her towards the surface. They sputtered to the surface together, Claire being carried on her rescuer’s back, who she now recognized as her neighbor and best friend, Shaun. She knew it was him because of his light brown hair and the green eyes that were staring down at her as he laid her on the sand.

“Hey,” he said and she smiled, “hey, sorry about your clothes, but weren’t you coming in anyway?” He shook his head, “No, actually I was just coming to tell you goodbye, I’m moving tonight, actually, today, well, right now, I came to tell you that I’ll write, I promise I will.” “Where are you going?” Claire’s smile disappeared when he said the place she’d been dreading, “North Carolina, but I get to be with my girlfriend again, finally” he pulled Claire up off the sand. Shaun met his girlfriend Lucy while he’d been visiting his grandfather last summer in North Carolina; he claimed he loved her, so why couldn’t she be happy for him? “Oh, well, that’s great,” her voice cracked and she looked down at her feet, “what’s wrong?” Shaun lifted her head up. It wasn’t Shaun’s fault she was sucking at this goodbye, “Well, it’s just that,” “Shaun! Let’s go!” Shaun’s mother Julia yelled, “coming!’ he turned and ran towards his house. “Shaun!” Claire cried out after him as she started crying and dropped to her knees.

“I’ll write!” he called out as the clouds above them darkened, and just like that, he was gone.


Spoiler! :
~Please Take This Apart. I Tried My Best On It, So Please Nothing Harsh. Thank You And Please Let Me Know If You'd Like Me To Post Chapter One~
I Know I Can Wish Upon A Star But My Past Is My Past, And That Includes Last Night And Yesterday.
  





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Sat Dec 17, 2011 4:10 am
NightWriter says...



Hey WriteWriter,

First off, and I'm just saying here, that 'I Love You' is not original. Yeah, we can think 'mine'll be different' but in all honesty, you put your title up next to a million others, and no one cares.
Which I think is a bit sad for someone with your talent.

It was the last day of summer in the Sunshine State and Claire was going to make it last

Said 'last' twice. Maybe use another? 'end of summer'?

Also, she dives into the ocean. Dives. This isn't ironman here. It's Claire Redburn. And the ocean is not that deep just after she's felt it. What I would do is chuck in another sentence where she wades in first :)

She literally sees her memories in her

*saw. We're sticking with past tense here.

that’s the problem.

*there was

she realized one foot was stuck in a crevice, she was drowning.

*and she was drowning.

“Hey,” he said and she smiled, “hey, sorry about your clothes, but weren’t you coming in anyway?” He shook his head, “No, actually I was just coming to tell you goodbye, I’m moving tonight, actually, today, well, right now, I came to tell you that I’ll write, I promise I will.” “Where are you going?” Claire’s smile disappeared when he said the place she’d been dreading, “North Carolina, but I get to be with my girlfriend again, finally” he pulled Claire up off the sand. Shaun met his girlfriend Lucy while he’d been visiting his grandfather last summer in North Carolina; he claimed he loved her, so why couldn’t she be happy for him? “Oh, well, that’s great,” her voice cracked and she looked down at her feet, “what’s wrong?” Shaun lifted her head up. It wasn’t Shaun’s fault she was sucking at this goodbye, “Well, it’s just that,” “Shaun! Let’s go!” Shaun’s mother Julia yelled, “coming!’ he turned and ran towards his house. “Shaun!” Claire cried out after him as she started crying and dropped to her knees.

I honestly hate to say it, but this is so confusing. You really, really have to ensure that we know what you're talking about, who is talking, and when etc. I would just rewrite this whole thing.

Other than that, I like it. It's predictable, sure, but good writing, anyway!

NightWriter x
raised by wolves // brought up on words.
  





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Mon Dec 19, 2011 4:28 am
writingangel24xx says...



I really like this, although I liked it better at the end than the beginning, which I thought was a little boring, but I guess you have to get the story going. I'm interested to see what happens between Shaun and Claire, although it is a little sad and disappointing that he's leaving and going to be with his girlfriend. Claire, after all, is a likable character. I kind of want for her to meet someone completely new...but it's your story, of course, so it's up to you. I haven't read the rest, but am looking forward to it:)
  





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Thu Dec 29, 2011 2:19 am
hockeyfan87 says...



Hey! I am HockeyFan87 and I'm here to review your story! I am not a pro so don't take what I say personal or to heart. Also, if you doubt something I say ask, because I may have made a mistake. Ok, onto the review!(:

This little paragraph had a few things I noticed. As NightWriter said you used the word 'last' two times in the first sentence, change that. It sounds repetitive, nothing that you can't change easily. The second sentence sounded too forced. Break it up a little maybe. The hair and eyes at two different parts, maybe it was just me though? I don't know, haha. The third sentence had the same thing as the first the word 'exercise' was used twice. Easy change, again why risk it when its that easy to change?
It was the last day of summer in the Sunshine State and Claire was going to make it last. Her long, black hair appeared even blacker as the sun bounced off of it and she squinted her green eyes to avoid the harsh light. Claire wasn’t what you’d call an exercise junkie but she did enjoy exercise in her daily life.

For 17 years today, Claire had lived in the blue beach house at the end of Jackson Drive in Colby, Florida.
The word 'today' made it sound like it was her birthday, I am just reading it so maybe it is, if not I would change that, again, easy change.
For 17 years, she’d woken every morning to the sound of the ocean and she’d crawled out of bed and slipped down the ladder attached to her second-story bedroom window, just to sit on the sand and watch as the morning sun rose over the ocean’s calm waves.
This sounded a little awkward, I don't know why, it just popped out to me for some reason, again maybe it's just me.
Unfortunately, a year after they’d been married, and a day after Claire had turned two, her father was killed in a fishing accident not too far from home.
Since it's in the third person maybe put the word her after from and before home?
Her mother has gray eyes and blonde hair and her father had red hair and blue eyes. Claire stopped swimming as the memory of her father’s red curls swam through her mind, in that moment, she forgot to breathe
The first sentence I think may sound better if you put her moms hair and then eyes and her fathers hair and then eyes, instead of eyes hair hair eyes. That sounds confusing so I hope you get what I am trying to say, haha. Second sentence I can't tell if I like that you used the word swam and swimming. Hmm...it stumped me. Made me think, do I like that? I kinda liked that it made me think that way.
Claire had seen a couple hundred doctors to try and get a diagnosis on her condition but no doctor had seen anything quite like her. She literally sees her memories in her head and every time she does, she stops breathing. Doctors had tried to case it as Dementia and Alzheimer’s, but she didn’t have any trouble not remembering things, that’s the problem. She remembered things in pictures in her head. Claire finally woke up from the memory but as she kicked her feet she realized one foot was stuck in a crevice, she was drowning.
I'm confused, did she already say she had a condition? This paragraph made it sound like it had already be mentioned. If it hadn't been, I think you should add some hints to the fact that she has a condition. Maybe I missed it though, in that case I'm sorry.
She knew it was him because of his light brown hair and the green eyes that were staring down at her as he laid her on the sand.
I think that it would sound better if you worded it like "the light brown hair of her rescuer gave away his identity, it was her neighbor Shaun" something like that instead of making it two sentences, that was another confusing thing, sorry about my wording. If you have questions feel free to ask me!
“Hey,” he said and she smiled, “hey, sorry about your clothes, but weren’t you coming in anyway?” He shook his head, “No, actually I was just coming to tell you goodbye, I’m moving tonight, actually, today, well, right now, I came to tell you that I’ll write, I promise I will.” “Where are you going?” Claire’s smile disappeared when he said the place she’d been dreading, “North Carolina, but I get to be with my girlfriend again, finally” he pulled Claire up off the sand. Shaun met his girlfriend Lucy while he’d been visiting his grandfather last summer in North Carolina; he claimed he loved her, so why couldn’t she be happy for him? “Oh, well, that’s great,” her voice cracked and she looked down at her feet, “what’s wrong?” Shaun lifted her head up. It wasn’t Shaun’s fault she was sucking at this goodbye, “Well, it’s just that,” “Shaun! Let’s go!” Shaun’s mother Julia yelled, “coming!’ he turned and ran towards his house. “Shaun!” Claire cried out after him as she started crying and dropped to her knees.
For this whole paragraph I don't know if you know but when you write dialogue you are supposed to indent and make a new paragraph every time someone new starts speaking. It lets the reader have a break and not have everything so clumped together. It kinda all mushed together. Also, when describing his girlfriend make that another paragraph. Also, if Shaun is going away and they are actually best friends I think he would say goodbye before he ran off. I know when I left I was crying. This kinda made him sound like a jerk who didn't care about her, maybe that was what was meant to happen, or...?
Okay, enough of me revising. I really did enjoy this piece. I am left curious what is going to happen with him off with his girlfriend. I agree the title is a little cliche but oh well, that can be changed, can't it? I hope I wasn't too harsh, that wasn't in any way my intention. If I was I apologize. This was very well written with the few things I pointed out, which like I said may not be the correct fix. Hope I helped!(: Feel free to PM or post on my wall thingy if you have any questions! Happy New Year!(:
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn
  





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Mon Jan 02, 2012 1:44 pm
Al3xx says...



Hey you :)

I really hope you wouldn't take anything to heart. Just here to give a tiny bit of help :P

I got to say that I LOVE your style of writing :) It's really descriptive and the imagery at the start captures the readers attention. But...

She used every bit of her strength and kicked as fiercely as she could but it was no use. Then, just as her eyes started to close, she felt a hand pull her loose and drag her towards the surface. They sputtered to the surface together, Claire being carried on her rescuer’s back, who she now recognized as her neighbor and best friend, Shaun. She knew it was him because of his light brown hair and the green eyes that were staring down at her as he laid her on the sand.


over here- the imagery starts to kind of lose itself. It just seems a tiny bit dry- like I can't feel her panic at drowning, her will to live or something like that :P And then her relief at being saved. That sort of thing :P Just extend this paragraph a tiny bit :P Shove in a bit more description and this'll be perfect and engaging.

“Hey,” he said and she smiled, “hey, sorry about your clothes, but weren’t you coming in anyway?” He shook his head, “No, actually I was just coming to tell you goodbye, I’m moving tonight, actually, today, well, right now, I came to tell you that I’ll write, I promise I will.” “Where are you going?” Claire’s smile disappeared when he said the place she’d been dreading, “North Carolina, but I get to be with my girlfriend again, finally” he pulled Claire up off the sand. Shaun met his girlfriend Lucy while he’d been visiting his grandfather last summer in North Carolina; he claimed he loved her, so why couldn’t she be happy for him? “Oh, well, that’s great,” her voice cracked and she looked down at her feet, “what’s wrong?” Shaun lifted her head up. It wasn’t Shaun’s fault she was sucking at this goodbye, “Well, it’s just that,” “Shaun! Let’s go!” Shaun’s mother Julia yelled, “coming!’ he turned and ran towards his house. “Shaun!” Claire cried out after him as she started crying and dropped to her knees.


This is the most confusing paragraph ever :P Once again we sort of lose track of the story here :P Clara and Shaun are meant to be best friends but from this paragraph we can't see it. How close are they? :P Does Clara kind of like Shaun? What are they like to each other? We have to picture them, get a sense of what kind of relationship they have. Shaun just seems a bit uncaring when he just randomly runs off without saying bye.

Another thing is start a different line for each piece of dialogue :P Makes it so much easier for the reader.

Apart from that I can see a story coming on here and I'd love to read more :)

Alexx
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

Alexx
  








Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
— Ann Landers