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The Married Couples: Chapter Three



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Sun Dec 11, 2011 4:25 am
Skydreamer says...



Thewritersdream

Chapter 3

",I love it!"

I heard the three words as I drove back home with the girls, and caught a glance at my new neighbors, they seemed happy enough. I parked in my garage and entered in through the kitchen, without making a sound. "Where's daddy?" Lisa had to ask.

"Honey, daddy's been busy, why don't you girls go watch TV in the living room an--UH!"

"Greg!" I smile immediately. My smile said three things, 'say hi to your daughters', 'We are still in their presence' and 'please forgive me,' he considered my smile; he considered the words behind my smile. His dark brown eyes seemed darker than ever and his lips curled. He looked deep into me, knowing who I was, I should mean more to him. I should be his everything. His deepness ended like a plane crashes, sudden and devastating.

"Hey babies!" he said turning towards our only successes. They both squealed and hugged their papa. Then they told him of their day and made him laugh, and made him smile. Something that I couldn't do anymore. I started to take the groceries out of the plastic and putting things on the Kitchen counter, as he walked away with my girls. From the counter as I was sorting everything out I kept an eye on our new neighbors across the street from us, in that beautiful yellow house. It definitely was the 'honeymoon' suite. Many other couples had come and gone in that house.

Most of the couples left because of what a bad set of first impressions this Appleton neighborhood had. But something inside me said this couple would be different. Just something. I start to put everything into it's separate places; then hum softly to myself, dreaming and thinking of good times. Times that I would like to re-live. Like the time, Greg and I went dancing. We went to a secluded area of one of our friends beach houses, just to dance. We did it under the moon and the stars, and swayed to no music. Just the sound of crickets, and the wind.

I rested my head upon his shoulder and my hands were wrapped around his waist. We took each step together, like one, without even noticing. It is only now that I remember that I know we were doing that. Then as the night went on and the stars brightened, my head tilted upwards toward his lovely round but pointed chin, his badly shaved face and his gorgeously brown eyes. I looked into those silver reflecting brown eyes and smile; as he tilted his head down and his soft lips arrived on mine.

"So you tried to drug me?!" I jumped. Then let out a sigh,

"Greg! Don't you ever do that again!" I yelled. This was the second time. He grabbed my wrist without mercy.

"YOU, don't do that again! What am I some type of trash to you? Huh!? Jenavive, do you think you can just throw me away? Well I am sorry baby, you can't, not as long as I'm alive!" He thrusts my wrist in the air allowing gravity a chance to pull me forwards and land me on my chest. I gasp for air the second after I hit the ground. "Aren't you going to tell me what you did to my drink?! Jason saw particles of some type of drug in my drink, had I continued drinking it, maybe I would have died?" by the end of the sentence his voice had quieted, like he was suddenly realizing 'my wife wanted to kill me!' Even though that was far from what I wanted. I mustered up all the voice left in me and said,

"It was sleeping pills," then I tried to pull myself up, but found myself falling over and over again. At what I decided would be my last attempt he helped me up by pulling my elbow. Then he pulled me towards him and forced my face to the direction of his, like one would do for a child. "Why in the world, would you put sleeping pills in my drink... sweetie," I hated him. Oh goodness I hated him! The way his snarled that last word covered my entire body with anger, so I shouted,

"Save me from your idiotic sarcasm! I don't deserve it and you know it. I am thirty-one years old today, and dang well, am I going to enjoy it!!" He looked surprised. He took a moment to just stare baffled at my strength.

"So do you want me to leave, what do you want?" He asked.

"I want you...Greg, I want you...for once in your life...to treat me like your wife," again he looked surprised. But the statement I just made was true. When we first got married was when I was treated like the girlfriend, he made all the decisions and paid for everything. He had a work life, and hid things from me. Then after that phase, I was treated like the mother, every little thing that went wrong was my fault. That was when we had the most arguments. And from then on I wasn't treated like anything at all. I was nothing. The silence and the wonder in his eyes, tempted me to give in. I almost want to just kiss him, or just say, 'I can forgive you, but you need to apologize,' but instead I just glared at him, hoping. "Where are the girls Greg?" I finally asked, breaking the spell, because I couldn't take the quiet anymore.

"They're upstairs watching a movie on my laptop, I'm not an idiot, Jenavive," he said. I loved him. With all his problems and all his issues, I knew we could work it out. And he never once called me Jen, never, from the moment we met to the day we stood then, he never once called me Jen. I didn't even have to tell him directly, that I hated being called it, he just knew.

******************

Narrator

Phil was an amazing young man. And he was recently adopted into the Crawson Family of Marylyn, Peter, and little Timmy. Phil was 6 years old. He wasn't very tall and went up to Marylyn's hip, he usually hid behind her even though he's only been with his family for a month. He was the spotlight of the entire neighborhood. Everyone wanted to be able to see him and everyone loved him. He is originally from the Caribbeans, but was given away by his mother who had given birth to him here. He had the most innocent face a child could have and a smile that brightened everyone's mood. He was a lovely child who always thought of people first and always loved and cared. No one really noticed anymore with all his sweetness, that he was blind. The fact that this child could not see, did not stop him from being one of the most playful and cutest boys any of the women had seen, and they all adored him greatly. Jenavive was overjoyed in learning later that afternoon, that Phil was her next client! Jenavive was to capture Phil's essence and put it in a frame, or on facebook. Wherever her client wanted their picture. Jenavive was overjoyed with the fact she could point out his bright smile, and snap his precious plays. It was one of her most prized birthday presents, for she was to do it that very day.
Last edited by Skydreamer on Wed Jan 04, 2012 1:17 am, edited 2 times in total.
I believe in that, which is not seen.
I call it truth, faith, hope, life.


~~~~Sometimes life beckons us to be different~~~~

I used to be known as thewritersdream, but now my dreams have taken flight
  





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Tue Dec 13, 2011 10:45 am
NightWriter says...



Hey Thewritersdream,

This piece is really, quite honestly something to be proud of. I enjoyed it, even though I haven't read the previous chapters. A few things I could point out, is that at some stages, it is a little rushed, a little sharp and a little unclear. An example of this is in paragraph ten: "by the end of the sentence his voice had quieted, like he was suddenly realizing 'my wife wanted to kill me,' even though that was far from what I wanted. I mustered up all the voice left in me and said"
See, it's just a little rushed through. It's totally, completely up to you, obviously. I'm just saying that when writing, your reader commonly needs to be a step ahead in instances such as this. The reason for that is simply so that it is not read in a blur of confusion. So that when Greg is accusing Jenavive of drugging his drink, the audience is aware. It's a little hard to sit, reading it, thinking, "So did she drug him? Why? Why would she do that?
You know?

It may be clearer to understand, should I have read the other chapters, and I'm sorry if that is the case. Still; that's a pretty minor issue. All I would be worried about is whether your audience are up to point with you on this one. Other than that, the writing is quite good. I enjoyed reading it, so congratulations!

All in all, I'm impressed.
I liked it, well done.

NightWriter x
raised by wolves // brought up on words.
  





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159 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2117
Reviews: 159
Tue Dec 13, 2011 6:23 pm
Skydreamer says...



You have no idea how much your message meant to me!!!
Thank you, and what you said was true. I changed the sentence a little by adding a pause. I'll scan it over some more, to see what else I can do. Please keep reading!

I really really appreciate it!

*Dream*
I believe in that, which is not seen.
I call it truth, faith, hope, life.


~~~~Sometimes life beckons us to be different~~~~

I used to be known as thewritersdream, but now my dreams have taken flight
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 12193
Reviews: 275
Tue Jan 03, 2012 12:51 am
Calligraphy says...



*Likes* Well, I would if the new YWS still had that feature. This chapter was great and just as good as the first one. Though it didn't really take the plot any farther I really did feel every moment of it. This really makes me want to keep reading.

Anyhow I agree with NightWriter when she told you she felt some parts were rushed. I particularly felt you could have added a little more detail to these parts:

I started to take the groceries out of the plastic and putting things on the Kitchen counter, as he walked away with my girls. From the counter as I was sorting everything out I kept an eye on our new neighbors across the street from us, in that beautiful yellow house. It definitely was the 'honeymoon' suite. Many other couples had come and gone in that house.

Most of the couples left because of what a bad set of first impressions this Appleton neighborhood had. But something inside me said this couple would be different.
What bad impressions? I would like some more explanation here. I also think some thoughts about how she was looking forward to a new friend or something would add some meat to this chapter.

Like the time, Greg and I went dancing. We went to a secluded area of one of our friends beach houses, just to dance. We did it under the moon and the stars, and swayed to no music. Just the sound of crickets, and the wind.

I rested my head upon his shoulder and my hands were wrapped around his waist. We took each step together, like one, without even noticing. It is only now that I remember that I know we were doing that. Then as the night went on and the stars brightened, my head tilted upwards toward his lovely round but pointed chin, his badly shaved face and his gorgeously brown eyes. I looked into those silver reflecting brown eyes and smile; as he tilted his head down and his soft lips arrived on mine.
I think this has enough description. But I think it could use a little more intro. How long ago was it and such. I also think more reflection and emotion would work here as well. Really pulling her character out before he interrupts her thoughts.

Besides that I am a bit confused about the 'narrator' part. I don't get it. Plus, it is really short.

I hope this helps. P.M. me with any questions.

- Calli
  








Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
— Jules de Gaultier