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I'm so Proud of You - Chapter Three



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Sun Dec 04, 2011 5:12 pm
EvensLily says...



Carla had absolutely no idea what she was getting herself into, no idea. The situation was beyond comprehension. She hadn’t cried yet; she thought she was going to, but she hadn’t. She walked, he shaky pale legs strode before her, she didn’t even realise she had started walking; she had too much on her mind. Just in front of her she could see Brooklyn’s best cafe, the little starlight. It’s a weird name for an all-night cafe. She opened the creaky door and stepped inside the grimy cafe. She didn’t have to look far for King; he was surrounded by girls, arms around him, trying to pull of his tie but there was something about his face that was unusual. King turned to Carla and frowned; he pushed the nearest stripper out the way and was about to get up from the table to greet her. All the girls groaned.
“King, come back”
“Mr. Elliot, I’m bored, let’s go somewhere else” King’s face suddenly cleared of all emotions as he turned to the strippers.
“Bunny, no” The light skinned, blonde immediately stopped holding on to his shirt, her eyes widened with regret as she let go of her grip.
“Sorry Mr. Elliot” Kings whole body softened slightly.
“It’s okay Bunny” King signed low and his shoulders sagged as he turned and brought out his hand to Carla’s. Carla even though was in deep, deep, trouble, she smiled and took his strong hand in hers, there was a sudden silence but a smile protruded from the edges of King’s mouth.
“Welcome Carla, to the rest of your life” The girls around the table cheered and hooted. Carla stood uncomfortably as she passed the paperwork to king, she didn’t want to ruin his evening but something like a death threat needed to be counted for.
“Did- did you hear anything from Miss Hardly?” Asked King.
“Err... oh! You mean Maggie? No she left early to pick Charlie up from school” King’s face seemed to sadden, and a forced smile admitted from his face as he shrugged.
“Mr. Elliot, when are we going to party?” asked one of the girls.
“In a minute, Carla would you like to meet everyone?”
“Err, yes but Mr. Elliot I need to talk to you about something really important” King raised an eyebrow and shrugged. Carla cleared her throat - "Alone Mr. Elliot" King raised another eyebrow and led Carla outside; he opened the door to the cafe. My arms broke out in goose bumps with the sudden cold.
"What is so important Carla that you drag me out in the freezing weather?"
"Well Mr. Elliot, it's about Mr. & Mrs. Lee"

***

"Mummy?" asked Charlie.
"Yes Charlie?"
"Are you okay?"
"Of course I'm okay" Maggie said, moving her attention from staring outside the window to Charlie, who sat there with his one and only toy, Batman. "Why wouldn't I be okay?"
"Because you haven't played with me, you always play with me" revelation hit Maggie; her mind had been on other things, and she had neglected Charlie.
"Oh, Charlie sweet, I'm sorry"
"It's okay" Maggie felt it was the perfect time to bring up something, something that had been on her mind all night.
"Charlie?"
"Yes mummy"
"How would you feel about moving schools?" Charlie's faced screwed up in a way completely unfamiliar to her. He seemed to be deep in thought, weighing out probabilities and outcomes, future pros and cons. In other words; he looked beautiful.
"What mummy?" he asked again his face masked with confusion.
"Moving to a different school Charlie? Would you like to?" Charlie's bottom lip hung out slightly,
"I..." He abruptly stopped. "Why?" He suddenly asked; his face masked with curiosity
"Because, well, mummy was asked today if she wanted a better job somewhere else. It would mean a new city, a new home, a new school and a lot of work" she didn't know who she was trying to convince it was a bad idea too, herself or Charlie. She didn't understand the nagging thing in her gut which said it was a bad idea. She had never had it before until she had given birth Charlie, never, suddenly the day he was born it appeared. Everything from, a nurse holding him or to him lying in the plastic cot next to her bed, she was nervous about what might happen.
"Where?" he asked.
"Las Vegas"
"Where's that?" He asked.
"Well, it's a long way away, about two days in a car"
"Two days! That's so long!" Charlie exclaimed his eyes wide and his face tight. "I don't know mummy, can't we just stay here?"
"Charlie, we can do whatever you feel happy too..." the door suddenly shook as a knock sounded throughout the cold room.

***
As soon as King got out of the car, he was scared, literally scared. This place was a dump.
It had taken a while to get the paparazzi out of the way. His driver had driven him half an hour out of Brooklyn to lose them, and then drove back again. Damn paparazzi, King couldn't help the fact he was good-looking and rich. This, however, wasn't on King's mind for the first time in his life. He was thinking about something much more graver, far more deadlier to what his sheltered mind ever had to cope with.
Mr. & Mrs. Lee.
What in gods name where they up to? Carla sat beside him, clutching the door knob as if Mr. & Mrs. Lee where around the corner right now, her lips were bleeding, she had been biting them too furiously and nervously to see he was looking at her. Something inside King was happy though, happy with the situation. It would mean Maggie had to move too Las Vegas, in fear of her own life, if not her life, her son's life, he was sure, she would come... Did that make him a little weird and possessive to think of a girl constantly, a girl he'd only seen twice? The answer was simple; hell yes.
It scared him to his very core to why he cared about her so much.
He stood in the blistering cold of Brooklyn and he felt snow flakes start to drop. He zipped up his coat and helped Carla out the car.
"Peter?" he asked the driver. He was a great man, about 48 years old. He had worked with his father for several years and now worked for him. He wasn't that great of a body guard but hey; he was only the Butler, the driver and the friend. King trusted him, always had. It didn't matter why; but the fact was; Peter had been there for him when his father couldn't.
"yes sir?" king signed; it had been years since king asked him to call him King; Peter just wouldn't have it.
"keep to the car will you, oh and keep the gun close to your side" he said the last bit quiet enough that Carla wouldn't hear, he didn't want to scare Carla more than she already was, plus this neighbourhood was rough and Peter didn't like the idea of an older man sitting in a Rolls Royce unarmed.
"get a move on will you?" Carla shot an icy glare. She was wearing literally nothing, a short minni dress and a pair of heels, Lady Gaga would be embarrassed in.
"are you cold?" king asked with a snarl.
"yes, now get your sexy ass in here" King obeyed and open the door, when he pulled open the door, the handle shot off and he nearly slipped.
"my god!" laughed Carla, who took the handle out of his hand and stuck it back in the door with perfection.
"how did you do that?" the door was now working fine.
"practice, my doors exactly the same" she slipped inside and king followed carefully not touching the door handle. He pulled his jacket closer to him, for some reason it was colder inside.
"bum face" Carla swore as she bounded up what seemed to be endlessness of graffiti and stairs, hoping to try and warm herself up.
"are we there yet?" king complained, starting to feel himself go back to his lovely, winging, childhood days.
"just one more flight" Carla huffed, on hitting the floor Carla ran into an old women with a scornful face. "oh, sorry" Carla apologised but the old lady didn't hear, she was too busy talking to herself.
"I do everything to make her life better and I don't even get paid, I don't even ask... The youth today, no respect for there elders..." her voice floated away as she slammed the door.
"okay" Carla said staring at the slammed door, she than turned to the door in front of her. She knocked three times softly.
King started to hear voices on the other side of the door.
"who's that mummy?" a child's voice asked.
"I'm not sure... Charlie go sit by the fire escape sweet, alright?" king didn't hear an answer, he just heard the scuttle of feet and than silence.
"Carla... Is that you?" a voice whispered right at the other side of the door.
"yeah, it's me and mr. Elliot"
The door suddenly tried to be opened.
"crap... I mean crabs... Carla bang yourself on the door" Carla agreed and aligned herself with the door, she banged her body weight on it and the door swung open, the hinges creaking in rust.
A petite women with long brown hair, and chocolate coloured honey eyes stood in the doorway. She took his breath away, literally. King was finding it her to breathe.
She quickly took Carla by her arm and hurdled her into the apartment. King swiftly followed and nearly got a fright. It was a dead house, scrap that, it was a dead room. Kings eyes scanned the room and hit a little boys face. He sat nervously by the window, his little legs swinging, he was clutching a batman toy and a piece of paper King couldn't make out.
"Carla what are you doing here?" Maggie hissed.
"I'm sorry, I know but I need to talk to you? I really do... It's a about Mr & Mrs Lee"
"surely it could have waited till tomorrow"
"my apologises Miss Hardly but unfortunately this cannot wait" Maggie didn't look up at his fade but stared down at her feet instead.
"what is he doing here?" she asked. King felt a pang of hurt at that moment but quickly berried it inside like he did with all the others.
"come on Maggie" Carla said taking her to the other side of the room and not inviting King to go with them. King stood uncomfortably for a moment, what should he do about the kid watching him? He wasn't good with kids, hell, he'd never even talked to one before. Stiffing up his upper lip king faced the child.
"hi" he said lamely, king thought the child might laugh at him but it was different. The kids blue eyes lit up with something, but darkened again slightly.
"hello" he sang back, his legs stopped swinging.
"what's your name?"
"Charlie"
"well, it's lovely to meet you Charlie" king said walking over to the child and sitting beside him.
"what's your name?" asked Charlie.
"king"
"really?" Charlie asked, excitement filled his voice.
"yes" he didn't add unfortunately.
"wow" Charlie said, wide eyed, his legs started to swing again. They sat in silence for a moment, kings eyes didn't really leave Maggie but calling himself a stalker he turned to the boy instead.
"I see you like batman"
"I love batman" Charlie said suddenly observing his toy.
"so do I" king said.
"really?" Charlie said, his eyes lightening again, shinning with something.
"yup. I loved him when I was little. Had the costume and everything. Refused to take it off. This is, until, I got a rash and my father made me have a bath for the first time in three weeks" at that moment Charlie laughed, it had an effect on King. It was a bright laugh, filling the air with a hint of sparkle.
Maggie was suddenly before them.
"what's so funny" she demanded with a forced smile.
"King likes batman, did you know he had the costume?" Charlie answered intrigued, it made King chuckle slightly, another laugh came from behind Maggie.
"king Elliot in a batman costume, who'd have thought it?" Carla put her arm around Maggie
"so... What's going on?" king asked slowly.
"it seems like you get your wish, Mr. Elliot" said Maggie, looking at him in the eyes for the second time since they met. His whole insides churned with the intensity of the glare/stare. "we will go and work for you in Las Vegas..."
Write and Smile people! X
  





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 11:03 pm
creativityrules says...



Hello, Lily! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today!

Since I haven't read the first two chapters of your book, I'm not going to discuss your plot or the characters of your story since they've probably been established in the earlier chapters. Instead, I'll focus on the structure of this piece and a few other key elements.

Carla had absolutely no idea what she was getting herself into, no idea. The situation was beyond comprehension. She hadn’t cried yet; she thought she was going to, but she hadn’t. She walked, he shaky pale legs strode before her, she didn’t even realise she had started walking; she had too much on her mind. Just in front of her she could see Brooklyn’s best cafe, the little starlight. It’s a weird name for an all-night cafe. She opened the creaky door and stepped inside the grimy cafe.


Let's start by talking about your first sentence. It was my first impression of your writing since it was the first thing I read other than the title. When I read it, I felt like it wasn't as clean as it should be because of how you re-emphasized that Carla had 'no idea' what she was doing.

Also, for an opening paragraph, I feel that this was slightly too large. Your opening paragraph should tie in the beginning of this chapter to the end of the last one. You didn't do a bad job; if you cleaned it up just a tad, it would be excellent.

I have a question for you that I want to ask yourself: who's the narrator of this story? Well, obviously it's you. Think about how much information you're going to allow yourself to reveal about the character, how you want to tell the story, and if there's a specific way in which you want to tell the story. Don't overthink it, but do think about it. I promise it will help.

A few consistent problems I noticed throughout the entire thing dealt with punctuation and sentence structure. I'll edit a few sentences to give you an example of how I'd change this.

“Err...oh! You mean Maggie? No, she left early to pick Charlie up from school.” King’s face seemed to sadden, and a forced smile admitted from his face as he shrugged.
“Mr. Elliot, when are we going to party?” asked one of the girls.
“In a minute. Carla, would you like to meet everyone?”
“Err,yes... but, Mr. Elliot, I need to talk to you about something really important.” King raised an eyebrow and shrugged. Carla cleared her throat.


See what I mean? This is much more polished. I would suggest looking over it and thinking about how it should be structured and punctuated. If you have any question, feel free to ask me.

Remember, your opinion is most important. If you disagree with my suggestions, feel free to disregard them and keep this the way it is. All that matters is that you love what you write.

Always keep writing!

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  





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Mon Dec 12, 2011 7:40 pm
Skydreamer says...



GREAT ONE!!!! I think this might be my favorite chapter! :D I mean, the ways you portrayed King and Charlie. And I like how Maggie doesn't like King yet, but he is obviously falling for her. Excellent!

You used the wrong word, instead of "there" it should have been "their".
The youth today, no respect for there elders..." her voice floated away as she slammed the door.


The truth is about the following quotation is that you sort of made a mistake which anyone could make (almost made it myself) where you changed the narrative. You went from third person to first person. "Carla cleared her throat" goes with the rest of the story in which it is in third person. But then instead of "My arms broke out in goose bumps with the sudden cold." It should be: "Her arms broke out in goose bumps (IN, not with maybe) the sudden cold."
“Err, yes but Mr. Elliot I need to talk to you about something really important” King raised an eyebrow and shrugged. Carla cleared her throat - "Alone Mr. Elliot" King raised another eyebrow and led Carla outside; he opened the door to the cafe. My arms broke out in goose bumps with the sudden cold.
"What is so important Carla that you drag me out in the freezing weather?"
"Well Mr. Elliot, it's about Mr. & Mrs. Lee"


COMPLIMENTS:

"there" instead of there it should be their.
"hi" he said lamely, king thought the child might laugh at him but it was different. The kids blue eyes lit up with something, but darkened again slightly.
"hello" he sang back, his legs stopped swinging.
"what's your name?"
"Charlie"
"well, it's lovely to meet you Charlie" king said walking over to the child and sitting beside him.
"what's your name?" asked Charlie.
"king"
"really?" Charlie asked, excitement filled his voice.
"yes" he didn't add unfortunately.
"wow" Charlie said, wide eyed, his legs started to swing again. They sat in silence for a moment, kings eyes didn't really leave Maggie but calling himself a stalker he turned to the boy instead.
"I see you like batman"
"I love batman" Charlie said suddenly observing his toy.
"so do I" king said.
"really?" Charlie said, his eyes lightening again, shinning with something.
"yup. I loved him when I was little. Had the costume and everything. Refused to take it off. This is, until, I got a rash and my father made me have a bath for the first time in three weeks" at that moment Charlie laughed, it had an effect on King. It was a bright laugh, filling the air with a hint of sparkle.
Maggie was suddenly before them.
"what's so funny" she demanded with a forced smile.
"King likes batman, did you know he had the costume?" Charlie answered intrigued, it made King chuckle slightly, another laugh came from behind Maggie.
"king Elliot in a batman costume, who'd have thought it?" Carla put her arm around Maggie
"so... What's going on?" king asked slowly.


I had to quote the entire thing, because that entire part is my favorite part of the story! I love the bolded points the most! I am so inspired about how well you portray charlie, although sometimes, keep it up!
I believe in that, which is not seen.
I call it truth, faith, hope, life.


~~~~Sometimes life beckons us to be different~~~~

I used to be known as thewritersdream, but now my dreams have taken flight
  








“If lightning is the anger of the gods, then the gods are concerned mostly about trees.”
— Lao Tzu