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CinderAllen. Chapter 4.



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Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:58 am
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Dragongirl says...



Spoiler! :
Well I did this chapter from a different point of view and I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do. So please any comments on what you think would be great. Don't worry I will get back to writing from Allen's POV it just might take afew chapters. Hope you like this. ~DG


Chapter 4.


Leah swirled the ice in her virgin bloody mary and took at sip from it.

Sitting at the bar of her LA themed birthday party, she kept her lips on the glass for a moment longer than necessary, studying her guests over the top of it. A heavy rhythm thudded in her ears and a sea of teens pumped the air to the beat of the music. She had been asked several times to dance but had declined, preferring to watch the crowd. Now as she observed them, a dry smile danced at the corners of her eyes as she noted the size of her party and marveled at the fact that she didn’t know any of the people there. It really was amazing how many friends you could buy with rich parents.

At that thought, Leah set her cocktail glass down gingerly, a sudden bitter taste on her tongue. Fingering the thin golden chain around her neck, she ran the nearly waist length thread of tiny links between her thumb and pointer until she felt the cluster of charms hang from it. Mostly useless things. A gold dusted feather, a small lock, a small key that didn’t open it, Leah had tried it earlier, and what she was currently looking for now, a pocket watch.

Bringing the miniature time keeper close enough to nearly touch her nose, Leah had to squint to see the face of it because of the low lighting and smoky atmosphere. Her mother has rented fog machines to add a ’more authentic feeling to the LA theme without giving people lung cancer’.

Now as Leah saw what numbers the hands pointed at she heaved a sigh. Only 11:00 PM and she was already bored. Smoothly she spun her stool back to face the bar and rested her chin on her hand, absentmindedly tracing the rim of her glass with the tip of a finger from her other, while the ice in it slowly melted.

After several minutes of aimless wool gathering, Leah’s attention was drawn to the mirror behind the bar and the refection of the crowd in it. A couple making their way to the dance floor grabbed her eye.

A girl close to her own age tugged a young man on to the floor while he protested, though by the grin on his face, Leah didn’t think he was trying all that hard get out of it. She let her gaze flicker away for a few moments before returning to the two and sure enough, the boy’s hands had slid around the girl’s slim waist and they swayed together in time to the beat. As Leah watched the young women lay her head against her partner’s chest, she felt a twinge of annoyance and some thing like envy, but it was the blissful looks of contentment on both of their faces that really made her want to be sick and Leah had the sudden urge to dump a bucket of cold water on the two.

Instead she tossed back the last of her non alcoholic, very watery cocktail and slid off her stool. Leaving the matching handbag to her dress that her mother had insisted she carry to complete the ’look’, on the bar counter, she made her way across the room. Tracing her way through a maze of bodies, she finally reached the other side of it. Pushing through a pair of glass paned doors, Leah slipped into the garden.


The sudden burst of quiet and the freshness of the cool night breeze that washed over her face cleared Leah’s mind and she closed her eyes briefly, letting out a slow breath that she seemed to have been holding all evening.

After a long minute she let them flicker back open, taking in the scenery before her. Even in the weak light from the half filled moon, the garden was beautiful.

Trellises, leaden with roses, lined one side of a path that twisted throughout the garden. Slipping off her high heels and dangling them from their straps in one hand she followed it, the perfume of the flowers heavy in the air. Coming to a clearing Leah drew up a step. She had moved here over a month ago, yet every time she came to this part of the garden she was always blown away with its' simple beauty.

A small pond sat in the middle of the clearing, a plain wooden bridge stretching over it and a willow tree bent low at the water’s edge, its' leaves just kissing the moonlight touched pool, while lilies perched on their pads, spotted the silvery surface.

As Leah made her way towards it, she tread lightly, as though afraid to break the spell, the grass soft against her bare feet. Stepping on to the bridge she ran a hand along the railing, tracing the grain of the wood. Stopping halfway across she turned so she was facing out over the pond and leaned against the rail, her elbows resting on it. Absentmindedly she swung the shoes she still held over the water, enjoying the gentle wind that blew over the pond, stirring her hair and tickling her face.

“Pretty, isn’t it?”

Startled by the sudden break in the quiet, Leah spun around, one of the shoes slipping from her fingers and hitting the water with a loud splash. Seeing no one she spoke, her voice ringing in the silence.

“Hello, who’s there?” Someone cleared their throat and a shadow seemed to separate from the trunk of the willow.

“Hey, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” The voice was low and familiar, in a boy next door sort of way. From what Leah could see of his outline he looked around her own age.

“I wasn’t scared.” Leah answered too quickly and hoped he didn’t notice. “You surprised me, that’s all.” The was a long pause and Leah could have sworn she heard crickets chirping. She hurried to fill the gap of stillness, saying the first thing that came to mind. “You made me lose my shoe.” She held up the single remaining one.

“Is that what fell in?” he said and, even though Leah couldn’t see his face, she had the vague impression that he was raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, and they were my favorite pair.” Leah wasn’t sure why she had lied. Maybe it was because she flustered by the whole situation and she was aggravated that he seemed so relaxed. He had made his way to the base of the bridge and Leah still couldn’t tell what he looked like because of the cap pulled low over his eyes, casting a lip of shade over his face. He was wearing a leather jacket and even from where Leah was standing she could tell he was tall.

He shrugged one shoulder and stuck his hands deep in his pockets “I can get it back for you, if you like?” he replied and she could almost hear him half smile.

Leah could barely stop a snort of laughter from slipping through her lips. The thought of anyone searching the bottom of a pond for a shoe was ridiculous. Not to mention doing it in the middle of the night. A sudden idea amused her and Leah straightened, her answer ready.

“Thank you, I accept.”


Chapter 5. viewtopic.php?f=363&t=93044&p=955094#p955094

Chapter 3. viewtopic.php?f=363&t=90941
Last edited by Dragongirl on Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:17 pm, edited 5 times in total.
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
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Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:50 am
Leahweird says...



I approve of the name choice ;)

Anyways, I didn't see any errors. I loved the scene by the pool. I think it has shade of the frog prince, which I think is awesome. I wasn't sure I was going to like the change in perspective, but it seems to have worked. Nice job!
  





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Thu Dec 01, 2011 5:50 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey Dragongirl!

I like that you've changed POV for this chapter. It's another way of changing up the classic fairy tale to make your piece more original.

As always, your descriptions were great and I could really imagine the party and the garden. I did find a few mistakes.

Fingering the thin golden chain around her neck she


Comma after neck.

a small key that didn’t open it. (Leah had tried it earlier.) and what she was


The full stops would be better as commas.

Bring the miniature time keeper


'Bringing'

feeling to the LA theme without giving people lung cancer’


You're missing a full stop at the end of the sentence.

and they sway together in


'swayed'

the young women laid her head


I think 'laid' should be 'lay'

the ’look’ on the bar counter


Comma after 'look' maybe.

twisted through out the garden


'throughout' is one word.

with it’s simple


I think, and don't quote me, that 'it's' should be 'its'.

water’s edge, it’s leaves


Same here.

See no one she spoke


'Seeing'

shadow seem to separate


'seemed'

Leah could have swore she


'sworn'

in?” He said


'he'

He said and even though Leah couldn’t see his face she had the vague impression that he was raising an eyebrow.


You could, if you wanted to, format this sentence like this -

'He said and, even though Leah couldn’t see his face, she had the vague impression that he was raising an eyebrow.'

pockets “I can get it back for you, if you like.” He replied and


'pockets. “I can get it back for you, if you like?” he replied and'

doing in the


You need 'it' after 'doing'

***

I like this story. I loved how you clued the reader in that the guy in this part is Allen by describing what he was wearing. It was subtle and a great way to test whether the reader's paying attention or not.

The main problem you had was tenses again, but I won't go on about it anymore as I've already given you advice about it in a previous review.

The POV switch will work well as long as you continue to switch back and forth throughout the story. It doesn't have to be every other chapter, but it's vital that you use Leah's POV every now and again, seeing as I'm guessing that she's going to be Allen's love interest?

So yeah, congrats on another good chapter. I hope this review helps!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  








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