Young Writers Society

‘Happy Birthday, Jenavive,’ I tell myself. I look at my glass, well, at the red swaying within it. Should I? 31 years. Thirty one years and here I am staring into a cheap bundle of wine in an expensive glass. I take the glass after a moment and pour the liquid down the drain. I have no time for the past. But the past creeps and seeps in unwanted ways. I close my eyes and think about my previous birthday. Then knowing what happened that day I moved on to the next birthday and then the next. In the end I find myself in my 26th birthday. What a day. That was two years after we got married, my birthday was the day I found out we were having a baby. I in honesty was having the baby, but he was to be part of it too. And boy was he happy. It was in all a beautiful birthday. I drove up with him to see my parents; they welcomed us and the news well. My father engulfed me in his arms. I love my father. The knowledge of it caused me to shake a little since he passed three years ago; when the girls were only toddlers. Now they were off in school! I miss him so much. I glance at the clock. 'Okay, the girls are coming home in about an hour and a half. I still need to get my grocery shopping done, clean the attic, press my husband’s clothes, and see if I can get some cake batter to make my own cake.' Then I smile. I remember one of the few times I had been sure I was in love with my husband. We were newlyweds, it was my birthday and I was making the cake.
“Why are you making your birthday cake?” he asked. I just stared at him.

“Who else is going to make the cake? You?” I joked.

“I’d love to, you go get dressed I’ll make your cake. I mean who makes their own cake on their birthday?” I had laughed. I wanted to tell him people that knew how to cook, but he wouldn’t have listened to me. He ended up burning the cake. He got me a store bought one, kissed me on the cheek and said “I promise, when it’s your birthday, even if I become bankrupt doing so, I’ll get you the most delicious cake, till I can actually make one!” I swallow my breath because of how close it all seemed. He had kept his promise through, which was something. But this year was different, I honestly didn’t believe he would ever keep his promise this year. I rap my fingers on the dining room table slowly and carefully letting everything sink in. Then hearing a noise I twirl ferociously at the door. To my utter surprise it swings open. Fear grabs me; my entire body shakes in a steady pattern. I look around and grip the edges of the table, digging my nails inside its pores. I was practically pulling the table along when the door closed. Why am I not moving? What is wrong with me? The footsteps came closer…then, then voices! Oh, glorious voices! Not just one measly angered voice. I was not so much frightened that one of the voices was that of my husband’s because there was another voice with it, my husband’s best friend’s deep commanding voice. I still did not let go of the coffee table, and my heart refused to calm down. I feel them behind me working their eyes around me, to me. I flip around. “Hi gentlemen, Greg, you’re home early,” I say looking at him. He gave me his we’ll discuss this later smile, and I try to hold down my feelings. I look at Jason who looks quite confused about the quiet exchange. I look away from Jason immediately, and then my eyes wander toward the clock again. “I am sorry to say but I have a lot of work to do, so I’ll just be off to get all of those things done!” My husband laughed. He shook his head at me and walked slowly up to me.
“This girl, what on earth am I going to do with her? I tell her time and time again not to do so much on her birthday! Sweetie, I have a friend over, I would like it if you would just relax and make us some drinks,” then in a very low voice “Bitch,” he turns to face his friend with a grand smile and asks what he would like to drink, Jason said orange juice would be fine. I smile at him. I walk away, and once again feel them staring me down, and for very different reasons. I fix the drinks, and put a sleeping pill in my husband’s glass. There was no way he was going to mess with my thirty first. I smile as I bring out the two drinks and set it in front of them; they had moved into the living room and were watching a game. After doing so I was about to leave, when Greg snatched a handful of my skirt pulling me back. Embarrassment overtook me as I flush red, and turn away from Jason, who looked surprised. “I don’t think your finished, Jason was just telling me he wants some beer, and I told him we’re out. Can you go to the store and get some; also, you’re going be late in picking the girls up if you don’t hurry,” I whipped my head back to glance at the clock. There is still time. I nod, and quickly move away from him. I take the car keys and leave the jail I put myself in.
***
I slam the car door closed and hurry into the shopping mart. 'At least I'll be able to buy my cake batter,' my thoughts tell me. I walk in and immediately feel scanned. I feel like everyone is watching me, thinking of me, gossiping behind my back. I take a cart and walk briskly through the crowd, towards the alcohol section. This is where I stand looking at all the drinks that use to take me away.

"No way! Happy Birthday, Jen!" I turn to see Peter, one of my husbands co-workers. He looked me over. I noticed the bright and scary blue eyes that seem to take up most of his face, then I move to the smoothness of what was left of his face. That man could shave enough to tear his skin off. "Hey P! How are you doing?" I say. He scrunched up his features for a moment and blinked. I guess he wasn't expecting that, but he deserved it. I have told everyone that I know, I hate being called Jen. Jen was for Jennifer's, or Jenny's. Not for a unique name like Jenavive.

"I'm fine Jen, I just wanted to tell you who your next potential client could be." Who? Was on my mind, but there was no way I would give that man the satisfaction of hearing it. Instead I picked up the beer and turned to him "P, How is Marylyn? Does she know you shop in this aisle?" His eyes rung outrage. Marylyn was the closet friend I had in the entire neighborhood since I moved in four years ago. And she loved that bastard more than anything in the world. What made it all worse was that he loved her too, even though he was an idiot. "I am not here to..." that was when I took my exit. I practically ran down the aisles to get things together for my cake and snacks which I am sure my husband would want me to prepare.Thirty one years, Jenavive.

I slam the door again as I get into the car, and push the pedal down fast. I had spent too much time shopping! I was not gonna be late in picking up the girls. Once I arrive at my house, I see Jason leaving. My husband looks weary, shit! He must know, I can see him giving me the death look. Instead of getting out, I drive away towards my sweeties school.

I look into the hazel eyes of my girls. They are gorgeous, they are special. I grin at them, and wave. They see me and their eyes light up. I run to them and we embrace. They both start talking at the same time, telling me the adventures of their day: Cindy apparently pushed Catherine and Billy laughed making Catherine cry. Then their classmate,Timmy drew a picture of the teacher, and got a gold star. I love my girls. I take both their hands and guide them towards the car. Marylyn saw me and waved, I waved back. She walked up to me with Timmy, who was her angel. “Hey there Jenavive,” If I was the kind of woman to have a best friend Marylyn would be the one. “Hi, Marylyn how’s Phil?” it was the question that she loved the most.

This sems like it has a little bit of potential, but it needs revision. It just didn't flow very well, and only kept my interest into the first paragraph. But it's very good you're writing something at least! Every little bit helps. :)

I dream. This is very good, and if you would let me know when you get more up that would be great! I really want to read more of this story.

First, I loved your characters. I got the feeling that you know all of their pasts and futures. They were complex deep; plus, I hated the ones you wanted me to hate and I liked the ones you wanted me to like. Also, you made me care about your characters and that is a huge part of getting people hooked. Because I like your main character I want to make sure that she is okay and her husband doesn't hurt her. Me feeling emotion for your main character makes me care about her two daughters. (Just a note: what kind of name is 'Timmy' for a girl? It is confusing me already if 'Timmy' is a boy or girl because it is technically a boy's name, but you said she had daughters.) Me caring about your characters also makes me want to know their histories and how they got to be this way. So, in that way do everything like you already are!

As far as things I didn't like there wasn't any huge bells that went off in my head while I was reading. I mostly just have Nitpicks. At first when you clarify thoughts like this:

'Happy Birthday, Jenavive,' I tell myself.

But after that, throughout the whole piece you do and then don't clarify internal thoughts with anything. Grammar sometimes is different for different writers, but people have to stay consistent within one book! For example:

Okay, the girls are coming home in about an hour and a half. I still need to get my grocery shopping done, clean the attic, press my husband’s clothes, and see if I can get some cake batter to make my own cake. Then I smile. I remember one of the few times I had been sure I was in love with my husband.

This should be:

'Okay, the girls are coming home in about an hour and a half. I still need to get my grocery shopping done, clean the attic, press my husband’s clothes, and see if I can get some cake batter to make my own cake.' Then I smile. I remember one of the few times I had been sure I was in love with my husband.

Even though this is in the first person it is still helpful to clarify thoughts and narrative.

Also, most of your speech is in correct. For example in one paragraph you have it all clumped together while it should be:

I slam the car door closed and hurry into the shopping mart. 'At least I'll be able to buy my cake batter,' my thoughts tell me. I walk in and immediately feel scanned. I feel like everyone is watching me, thinking of me, gossiping behind my back. I take a cart and walk briskly through the crowd, towards the alcohol section. This is where I stand looking at all the drinks that use to take me away.

"No way! Happy Birthday, Jen!" I turn to see Peter, one of my husbands co-workers. He looked me over. I noticed the bright and scary blue eyes that seem to take up most of his face, then I move to the smoothness of what was left of his face. That man could shave enough to tear his skin off.

"Hey P! How are you doing?" I say. He scrunched up his features for a moment and blinked. I guess he wasn't expecting that, but he deserved it. I have told everyone that I know, I hate being called Jen. Jen was for Jennifer's, or Jenny's. Not for a unique name like Jenavive.

"I'm fine Jen, I just wanted to tell you who your next potential client could be." Who? Was on my mind, but there was no way I would give that man the satisfaction of hearing it. Instead I picked up the beer and turned to him

"P, How is Marylyn? Does she know you shop in this aisle?" His eyes rung outrage. Marylyn was the closet friend I had in the entire neighborhood since I moved in four years ago. And she loved that bastard more than anything in the world. What made it all worse was that he loved her too, even though he was an idiot.

"I am not here to..." that was when I took my exit. I practically ran down the aisles to get things together for my cake and snacks which I am sure my husband would want me to prepare.Thirty one years, Jenavive.

It could be just something as simple as what program you use to write, but I thought I should mention this because it is one of the most important parts of grammar.

Besides that you just have a few small grammar problems that can wait until your final draft. But so far, I love it! Keep up the good work. P.M. me when you get more up or if you have any questions about my review!

Thanks for the wonderful read,

Calli

Hey!

So, Calli pointed out the inconsistencies which I won't parrot. But just a note that it is a bit daunting to read such a chunk of text/dialogue.

“Why are you making your birthday cake?” I just stared at him.

Here, I stumbled because the way you've written it implies the 'I' is the speaker. Which on reading it again made me realize it isn't. SO, try avoiding such lines.

You characters are a delight to read, yet there are times, when I think you could've portrayed things better. For example:

I love my father.

This seems too declaratory. More like she is asserting herself that this is true. If this reaction is what you intended, then perhaps, italicize it?
Otherwise, show us this emotion, instead of stating it. Something like what she felt with all the hugs and kisses.

I think Timmy is a guy in her daughter's class? Who is Marylyn's son, me thinks Cal.

Keep writing!
~L

Thank you both SOO much!!! I am truly grateful for all the constructive criticism.
And Cal, Lexis is right, Timmy is a boy in her daughters class, I think I should have been more specific. And I do need to work on more description when it comes to my characters, I truly look forward to writing my next chapter!!

Good stuff! Previous critics got most of the grammar things, but just a warning: stick to the correct tense! Nearly all the mistakes that I saw were verb mistakes. You seem to be juggling all the different tenses at once, so it does get tricky, but go over it again and pick out those wrong verbs.

The story itself is heart-rending. I really feel sorry for Jenavive. (The usual spelling is Genevieve, but it doesn't really matter.) I am also curious about further development, so I am moving on to the next chapter to see. If you have trouble finding all the tense mistakes, PM me and I can point them out for you. Great work!