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I'm so proud of you - Chapter Two



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Tue Nov 15, 2011 7:10 pm
EvensLily says...



Chapter Two: I own you.

Life to Margret was just day after day, nothing unusual happened and that’s how she liked it to stay, if something unusual happened it disturbed her daily routine and Charlie needed a stable home life to succeed fully in life altogether. Margret would kill if it meant her child would be happy, nothing compared to his smile. Margret couldn’t understand why her parents didn’t feel that way about her, how could they hurt their own child? They didn’t seem to have a problem with it, where as if Margret hurt Charlie, she would never be able to forgive herself. Her mother was very particular; she was snobby, snoopy and thought that her husband held the world, when he actually had an affair. This is when it started; Margret was about fourteen when her dad forgot to pick her up from school, his office was just a block away, so she walked over to his office building and saw him fucking the secretary, brilliant. Margret had ran home to tell her mum, but her mum didn’t believe her, she had been outraged. From that moment on her mother’s loyalty had been to her father and not to Margret, Margret was no longer allowed to eat dinner with them, or go on family outings. Her father, knowing she knew about his constant affairs, thought that a punch would solve all the problems. Life didn’t get any better until the day she found out she was pregnant when she was sixteen; her life finally had a purpose, Charlie. She told her parents and they kicked her out of the house, she was a liar and now a whore. The father, Margret didn’t want to think about the scumbag. He had given her a $10 dollar note and told her to fuck off and her brother was too busy with his new lawyer job in New York to care. From that moment on it had always been her and Charlie against the world, just how she liked it. She honestly didn’t want her life to change much, yes she was on the verge of getting evicted, yes she was living in poverty and yes she was nearly always dirty but there was something stable about it, maybe she was too young to worry yet but everything seemed okay.
Getting off stage, she checked Carla’s phone, not being able to afford one yet, she had given Miss. MacNeice Carla’s number as the emergency contact number, after each burlesque number she always checked Carla’s phone.
“I think I’m giving you too much leeway” spoke Carla, already changed into her linen dress for the next act. The bitch dressed fast.
“With what exactly?”
“Huh? My phone!” Maggie laughed and passed Carla her Nokia back, she quickly went to find her linen purple dress; the next number was her favourite one, no nakedness, she didn’t really like exposing herself as the others seem too. As her friends seemed to have convinced every other new girl; Burlesque was an art, they were never naked. Maggie seemed to disagree.
“Maggie and Carla get into Laurens office NOW!” The shout sounded through the changing rooms as Margret jumped into her heels and hit her head on the changing room pole. Patting her head she walked into the make-up area, Carla had gone pale.
“I fucking hate Lauren; you saw what she did to Keller didn’t you? Punched her right in the face for missing a day” Maggie’s stomach quenched. How Mrs. Lee married a man like Mr. Lee was impossible, he was nice. She was awful. “She thinks she owns us” Carla spat walking towards the office. Maggie currently had other things going through her head.
Was she getting fired? What would happen to Charlie if he found out? They would get evicted, would she go back to her parents? No! She would never go back there, never. She would no longer be able to pay for Charlie’s clothes, hey, not even food. She would have to- have to... give him up. Tears welt up in her eyes just thinking about it, she would have to give him up for adoption.
Carla was leaning on the doorway before the office. Than the thought flew into Margret head, wait, did Lauran Lee own us? It looked like she did.
“What do you think she wants with us? We normally never see her out of her office”
“I don’t know” Maggie muttered, if Carla, Catwoman Carla was nervous, this wouldn’t go well.
Mr. Lee’s head pecked from the side of the door.
“Ladies, get in” He took Carla and Maggie by the arm and pulled them in. The office was small, could fit up to five people at time. It was under the club so nearly always cold, as cold as Mrs. Lee’s heart. It was Smokey, so Smokey she could hear little Maggie coughing when she entered the room. Oh, little Maggie. Mrs. Lee grinned, she could enjoy playing mind games with that one but she couldn’t. Maggie was a worrier, Lauren just had to put an idea into her head and Maggie would blow it to the moon with things that could possibly go wrong. When she caught a glimpse of Maggie and Carla, they were sticking too Mr. Lee. She almost laughed. Little did the girls know Mr. Lee was as bad as she was, they just played a game with the girls; good cop, bad cop. The girls didn’t seem to notice King in the corner. King was an idiot, a blithering idiot. What Lauren would do to have his head on a platter! He was paying a ridiculous amount for Carla but not only that, he was asking more for little Maggie. Who would pick Maggie over Carla? Maggie was plain, but Lauren supposed, she did have age on her side.
“Girls” Mrs. Lee’s scratchy voice rung out into the room, Maggie’s whose stomach was flipping at the sound of it, started to panic; she had only been to Mrs. Lee’s office on her first day to meet the boss. She had nearly quite there and then, if it wasn’t for Carla. Mrs. Lee gave no indication that they could sit. Mrs. Lee pulled the cigarette out of her mouth and puffed her smoke in O’s. Her yellowed teeth smile sent shivers down Maggie’s spine, she gestured to the corner of the room. Maggie’s heart nearly did a flip in her chest. It was the man from the bar; he was standing in the room his beautiful eyes narrowed at Mrs. Lee.
“Mr. Elliot” Spoke Carla.
“Did I ask you to speak?” Shouted Mrs. Lee, banging her fist on the table. “Did I give you authority to speak in this room?” Carla quickly shook her head. “I thought not” Everything went silent and Maggie couldn’t help but stare at Mr. Elliot. Mr. Elliot wasn’t surprised at the treatment Mrs. Lee gave her girls; it made him suspicious of Mr. Lee. He obviously thought about the girls in the same way. It was all a sham. Mr. Lee didn’t care about his girls at all, he cared about the money. Mr. Elliot felt his eyes wonder again, for the fifth time that night. All he wanted to do was stare at that girl? Why? He had no idea. He had seen prettier girls, so why was he so drawn to this one? One with a kid?
“I am guessing I’m allowed to speak or do I need permission too?” Asked Mr. Elliot, he was on Forbes list of the top fifty most powerful men in the world, he could speak whenever and wherever he seemed pleased.
“Yes Mr. Elliot, you have my permission” Mrs. Lee mocked, her horrible teeth shinning in the little light filling the room.
“Why thank you. Carla, I watched your last performance and thought you stood out. I remember how well you performed at one of my littler clubs at Las Vegas last year and I think of you as a friend, which is why I called you last week. Come work for me at my club” Carla’s mouth hung open and she quickly nodded furiously, until she stopped abruptly when Mrs. Lee growled low in the throat. Mr. Elliot went into his briefcase and pulled out some documents. “This is the documentation, you should think about my offer before taking it up. I will, under no circumstance, find you a house, book you a flight, all those other organisational things, If you want to work at The Busk, you must do it all yourself, understand”
“The Busk?” asked Mrs. Lee, “The biggest Burlesque club in the world, your sending them to The Busk?”
“Yes” answered Mr. Elliot sharply, Maggie watched as Mrs. Lee looked murderous.
“You cannot send them there! The Busk isn’t owned by you”
“It is owned by my father, who unfortunately died last year, so now, yes, it is mine”
“That dirty, rotten, cheap bastard!” Shouted Mr. Lee outraged. Ah, this was Mr. Lee’s true colours.
“Why hadn’t we heard Mr. Elliot... senior, died?” Mrs. Lee asked trying to keep her temper.
“Because it was kept private, plus he was an old man, no one cared anymore” answered Mr. Elliot Jr. looking confused.
“Thought you’d follow in his footsteps did you?” Spat Mr. Lee.
“Shut up Malcolm!” Shouted Mrs. Lee, Mr. Lee went silent.
“You can go Carla” Spoke King calmly passing Carla the Documents, Carla turned towards Maggie and held her hand affectionately before she left the room. That’s nice, Thought Mr. Elliot, Maggie is more likely to come if her friends is. Mr. Elliot Jr. Scolded himself immediately for thinking such ludicrous thoughts, he’d have to look at the girl at some point if she was going to work for him. Feeling himself stress to breathe he turned to look at the beautiful women. Maggie was a little hurt, Mr. Elliot wouldn’t look at her properly and was avoiding her eye, when he finally looked at her, she turned to look at her shoes in embarrassment. She must be getting fired then, he didn’t want her. Regret and longing filled up her empty stomach.
“Maggie, I want you to work for me, is that okay?” The genteelness of his voice struck her, he was speaking to her and had used her nickname, like he already knew her. Her stomach filliped. Being brave she lifted her head to look at Mr. Elliot Jr. When their eyes met the whole world melted. Her eyes where just so god damn soft, like milky melted chocolate mixed with honey. His eyes where dark, and masked with something, longing? She didn’t know, but she knew his eyes were like dark chocolate, her favourite. Mrs. Lee cleared her throat and Mr. King lost eye contact with her, turning to the witch around her cauldron.
“As you where saying Mr. Elliot Jr.” Mr. Elliot flinched, he hated to be called Junior, like he was some sort of kid. He was 26 for god’s sake.
“Err, yes” Unfortunately Mr. Elliot could no longer bask in the glory that were Maggie’s eyes. “I have been informed of your... circumstance” he immediately felt like a jerk “so; I thought I would make it easier for you. I would pay for all travel expenses and would pay for a month’s rent on a house you will be able to afford with what I’m paying you and in a good school area, understand?” Maggie didn’t care about what he was offering her, she couldn’t go.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Elliot, but I don’t think I’ll be able to go. I have a child and do not wish to take him away from his schooling” Mr. Elliot frond, why was she giving this up! He was giving her what he had given no other girl before. Girls would kill for what he was offering. Maggie took a breath in, she was crazy and Mr & Mrs Lee were looking at her like she was crazy, hey, maybe she was.
“Miss...?” Mr. Elliot spoke;
“Err, Hardly” She flinched at her own fucking name! Mr. Elliot raised his eyebrows, obviously some family issues going on there.
“Miss Hardly, please, think of this offer, I am going out with your friend Carla tonight, if by tomorrow she doesn’t text me with your answer I’ll leave it” Maggie watched as Mr. Elliot nodded sombrely to Mr & Mrs Lee, where obvious dislike was apparent.
“Till tomorrow Miss Margret Hardly”
***
Maggie stood by the gates of the school. This was the second time this year she had picked Charlie up from school, normally, it was always Miss. MacNeice. Today she stood by the gates and all the middle aged women where looking at her suspiciously, what? She had a child; she wasn’t trying to steal one. Just then a group of boys all around Charlie’s age burst through the doors arms out stretched pretending to be aeroplanes. Smiling self consciously, she looked at one particularly, covered in mud, she couldn’t make out his face properly with all the brown stuff all over him but I bet his mother was going to be mad.
“Hey, Charlie!” One of the boys shouted at the one covered in mud. “Look!” He pointed right at Maggie. “It’s your mum” Great, his mother was definitely mad. Charlie dropped his arms and grinned. Running towards Maggie at full belt with his arms outstretched, mud dripping, brilliant.
“Charlie, don’t you dare hug me!” Laughing, Charlie jumped on mummy; she never came to him at school. This was like, the best day of his life. Gabbing mummy, he flew his arms around her.
“Charlie!” Mummy shouted, but it was quickly followed by a laugh.
“Love you mummy”
“I love you too Charlie! Great, I’m going to have to take you to the communal showers. You know I hate that”
“Sorry” Charlie said, his eyes dropping.
“Hey, Charlie sweet, it’s okay. I don’t mind, I think I need a bath too”
“Err, Hello, are you Miss Hardly?” Asked a woman next to her, she was wearing a low neckline tight top, tight fitted jeans, that were way too fitted and you could totally peel the fake tan off her skin, Maggie did the math; she was a cougar.
“Err, yes”
“Are you Charlie’s sister?”
“No” Maggie said coldly, she hated that people immediately thought of her as a sister, no, she was Charlie’s everything and everyone.
“Oh, are you his aunt? You seem a little young to be an aunt”
“No” Maggie snapped, “No, I’m his mother, thank you very much”
“Oh” She said sticking her beak in the air, the other mothers crowded around us slowly.
“Yeah, that’s right. You should also think about what you are wearing, you’re in a school play ground, not a night club”
“Why you little-“
“What? Did the pool boy flip you off again? Better call your ex” Outraged the women slowly started to colour.
“I did not sleep with the pool boy!” aspirated she flew off out of the school playground, pulling a scared looking young boy with her. The other mothers around her started to stalk off in the opposite direction.
“What’s a pool boy?” asked Charlie.
***
Carla had already signed the paperwork; she was going, definitely going. If Maggie didn’t want to come than fine, her loss, Carla would go and make a name for herself. Busk, The Busk, this was like a dream come true, she was the only girl left here, having covered for Maggie because she wanted to pick Charlie up from school, she was currently getting changed to go out with King, King, oh, King Elliot. Lovely, gorgeous, fabulous, rich, King Elliot was taking her out with a bunch of sluts, who knows? One might get lucky! Carla walked down the stairs to give Mr. Lee his copy of the paperwork, but stopped suddenly when aspirated voices filled the barley lit staircase.
“What the fuck are we going to do?” Mr. Lee sneered.
“We are going to kill that fucker that’s what we are going to do!” Shouted Mrs. Lee.
“That dirty rotten bastard” Mr. Lee returned.
“He said that Club was ours if we kept his dirty little secret, and we did, and he thought he could just die and pass it to his son... No way, I’m fucking sick of that Elliot Family”
“We gave them everything!”
“Baby, you better get your aim on, we’re going in for the kill and don’t forget the girls. They have gotten away with too much. We did tell them when they got in they would never get out”
“Surely noted lover”
Carla didn’t hear the rest of the conversation, she ran up the stairs with tears burning in her eyes.
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Tue Nov 15, 2011 8:47 pm
Twit says...



Hello! First off, I upped the rating on this to an 18+, because you have a lot of strong swearing in here, and it's always better to rate too high than too low. :)

K, so you have a lot going on here, and it's probably not helped by my coming in at chapter two, but I did find things a little difficult to follow. The narrative jumped around a lot, and your grammar needs improving--poor grammar means your sentences don't always read as well as they could, so some of the meaning is lost. Also, you didn't stick with one perspective. Like, first off it was in Maggie's POV, but then you have this:

Mrs. Lee grinned, she could enjoy playing mind games with that one but she couldn’t. Maggie was a worrier, Lauren just had to put an idea into her head and Maggie would blow it to the moon with things that could possibly go wrong. When she caught a glimpse of Maggie and Carla, they were sticking too Mr. Lee. She almost laughed. Little did the girls know Mr. Lee was as bad as she was, they just played a game with the girls; good cop, bad cop. The girls didn’t seem to notice King in the corner. King was an idiot, a blithering idiot. What Lauren would do to have his head on a platter! He was paying a ridiculous amount for Carla but not only that, he was asking more for little Maggie. Who would pick Maggie over Carla? Maggie was plain, but Lauren supposed, she did have age on her side.


which is in Mrs Lee's POV, and later on you do the same thing. Pick one POV and stick to it, at least for one chapter. It's easier to keep track of POV switches if you have one POV per chapter.

But! That said, you have a good strong storyline here with lots of conflict. There's Maggie and Charlie, the whole financial issue, Carla, the new club, the Lees... There's a lot of strong plot-points here, which is very good, intriguing; and I'm starting to get a feel for Maggie's character as well.

Keep writing, and Wall or PM me if you have any questions!

-twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  








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