Young Writers Society

Ian stared down at his coffee cup while fiddling with the lid with his thumbs and forcing back the tears that threatened to choke him. Scott bit his lip tightly, not knowing exactly what would be the best thing to say at the current time. After all, Ian was going through quite a difficult time. Finally, Ian began to speak in a soft, cracking voice that indicated that he was only moments away from gasping for air from the consuming tears. “She’s gone, Scott. I can’t believe she’s gone.”

Scott remained silent. It was torturous knowing what his best friend was going through, even though he had never dealt with it himself. He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t seem to find the right words. So he did the next best thing; close it. Ian made a quiet gasping/choking noise and lowered his head for a brief second. Scott tried his best to not let his flaring red eyes bother him. It was obvious, Ian was crying.

When the tears began rolling out, Ian couldn’t find the strength to keep fiddling with the coffee cup lid, like he wanted to. Only it was more he wanted to rip it off, throw it onto the ground, and fined a small, dark hole to die in. He knew he couldn’t make a scene, so he sat there quietly, with irritated red eyes looking into Scott’s and praying he would say something. “Ian…” Scott began. “I know nothing I say will change it, but…” He sighed. “I know it’s hard, Ian, I know. Elaine’s death is affecting all of us, including Faith and I. Even if we’ve never dealt with death before, we still mourn. Don’t think none of us care, and don’t blame yourself and believe it’s your entire fault.”

Ian cut him off quickly. “You think I don’t want it all to change? You think I don’t blame myself for her not being here anymore?” He spoke in a quiet but angry voice the blamed himself for Elaine’s death. “It’s not your fault“ Scott tried his hardest to calm Ian down just enough to where he could have an actual conversation with him about what had happened. “You know it isn’t.”

“I-I-I know Scott, I know.” Ian was speaking quickly, causing him to stumble over his words. “But as I said; you don’t think I don’t blame myself anyway? I-if I was with her… if I could’ve…” Scott sighed. “Ian, listen to me, don’t be blaming yourself. If you want to blame anyone, have it be the other driver who ran into her motorcycle.” Ian grabbed his ears instantly after he heard the word ‘motorcycle.’ He pictured the gruesome image of his fiancé being rammed into by another car at 60 or more miles. Her flying off, and hitting the pavement.
The tears found their way out of his shut eyes when he spoke. “At least…at least she wasn’t in pain.” Scott slowly moved his hand to rest it on Ian’s shoulder. Before he could get anywhere close to him, Ian shot up to his feet and said, “Remember where I proposed to her? I’m going by the red fence.”

Hey!
So, I found this really good. The way you put words is pretty special.
Something I really love is the way Ian's feelings can be perceived by anyone reading this. Without knowing Ian or his dead fiancé, I felt sad, and I felt that grief that you are trying to transmit. It's pretty good. I could get the feelings perfectly.

I really had to look to find any flaws in it, because it is so good, but here are some things that I consider will be helpful.

looking into Scott’s and praying he would say something. “Ian…” Scott began. “I know nothing I say will change it, but-“
Ian cut him off quickly.

So, here, I couldn't really get why he would cut him off like that if just a few moments ago, he was praying for Scott to say
something. Or maybe I didn't really get what you were trying to express? If I didn't, maybe try to make it a little clearer.

“I know it won’t either, but you think I don’t want it all to change? You think don’t blame myself for her not being here anymore?”

I think you are missing an I here...

I found it overall pretty good, the only thing I would advice revising would be that Ian seems eager to hear Scott say something, but then he cuts him off or seems really annoyed by it. But those are the only things I didn't get too well.
But skipping those, I enjoyed it a lot!
Keep on writing!
Teresa

Thank you so much for reading and proof reading this!

I fixed the errors that you told me, and I believe it should be better understood now. Plus I added the missing "I".

Thanks again~

I was intrigued to read this as it is done by an amuteur, but you have written it very well and I really enjoyed it. I am still intrigued to read the chapters now, so get writing!

Overall, I think you done well for your first bit of this, the first part of a novel is difficult to do and you succeeded. Just make sure you read it before you submit as there can be little mistakes like forgetting a capital letter or adding another word in. But well done and keep writing. =D

Also, liking your own work is cheating, but hey!

Sorry! I'm still new (of course) and I didn't realize I liked it. Still trying to figure everything out, heh.

Okay first off, the title is what caught me right away, then you blew me away with the rest. It started off strong and interesting and stayed that way throughout it. This book has some major potential and I would love to read more.