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Savior:Chapter Three



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Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:48 am
AngelKnight900 says...



Madison

Yes, I noticed the guys that were looking at me but I wasn't going to give up now. I know that in the Bible, we're told to turn the other cheek. I bet these guys could start to learn about this lesson.

I had grabbed my pepper spray from my bag and I started going over the boxing tips my brother, Dean, told me. I wasn't going to be taken over easily. Besides, they were just a bunch of guys who would just try to do something with me and then forget about it. It's not like I was valuable to them.

"Hey, beautiful. How are you?" one of them asked

They started following me but I quickened my pace.

"Aww, baby. Why you got to be like that, " This guy took me by the hands. It only took me a few moments to realize that I was actually outnumbered, but I couldn't show any signs of panic or fear.

"Let go of me, " I growled " Why do you have to do this?"

One of them took a rope and tied my hands. Oh, no

The first guy who spoke to me came up to me and looked me in the face. " You'll make a wonderful bride,"

My eyes widened in horror and I head-butt this monster. I turned around, sprayed him and tried to kick some of his apprentices, only succeeding a few times. Then, tape went over my mouth and I looked frantically for my friends. I tried to scream but no one could hear me and we were too hidden to be seen from the restaurant. They managed to turn off some of the streetlights.

"Hey, let go of our friend!" I could hear Teresa yell "May, go call the police,"

"I don't think you want to do that or..." I could feel a gun's barrel on the side of my head " You won't have a friend anymore,"

They sighed in defeat and stood there, with angry tears coming out of their eyes. Both of them mouthed 'I'm sorry'

They had me in the van and all I could see was darkness. I tried to struggle out of my trap but it was no use.

"Miss, if you just relax, this might go a little eas-"

Before he could finish, the van screeched to a halt. I could hear pounding coming from the roof of the van and the two guys in the front went out to investigate. It wasn't long till I heard two bodies crashing to the side of the van. The other three guys left the van and judging by the bangs and bumps, they had suffered the same thing as their friends. The van door opened and a pair of arms took me out.

"Hey, guys! Are you on your way?" a gruff voice asked

The boy took the walkie-talkie. "They're gone. Stop hunting her and other girls!"

"Who is this?" the voice replied

"Doesn't matter. Just stop following her,"

"Ay, but boy. Now you're giving me an even more reason to follow her since she seems to be more valuable. Hope to see you soon,"

Oh great. My hero managed to make this matter worse. Lord, save me.

"We're going to go somewhere. Okay?"

He brought me to his car and opened the door. I got in the backseat and he got in the driver's seat. Then I saw his eyes from the rear-view mirror. Grey eyes.

Andre?

We drove for some good hours and I soon fell to sleep. When I woke up, we were driving up a hill to this mansion. It was dark inside and a wave of fear passed over me.

Andre's hands shook on the wheel and his eyes were more menacing than before.

What was this boy doing? God, did he come to save me? If so, thank you

I nearly fell off the seat when we came to an abrupt stop. We were in the garage.

"So, please don't panic. We're going to go inside and I promise you will be safe,"

He said this while getting me out of the ropes I was trapped in and brought me inside, turning on the lights.

"This is my great-grandfather's mansion. I just had to get you out of the area," he explained

I don't know what came over but all I wanted to do now was scream.

God, I can't stay here with him. I'm only sixteen. I have no business with this boy!

"I want to go home! Please bring me home!" I yelled "Why didn't you bring me home?!"

"Well I don't know where you live," he said matter-of-fact

"Because you didn't take the tape off my mouth!"

"Hey, just calm dow-"

"Don't tell me to calm down!" I was pacing around the room right now. " What am I suppose to tell my family? My parents are going to be upset and my brother's going to blame himself for not being everywhere with me and my friends-are they okay?"

He looked at me as if I was crazy and shrugged, which made me angrier.

"And who do you think you are? Bringing me here? Are you planning on doing something with me because I can take you on!"

His hunched his eyebrows and held me by my shoulders, pushing me to the nearest wall.

"Shut. Up."

I was close to saying something else until he shushed me. "Look Madison, you need to relax. Those guys have an eye on you and they won't stop till they have you. Now taking this on myself, I'm here to protect you,"

I scoffed. "I admire your chivalry but I can take care of myself,"

"Then what was that back there near the restaurant?" He said this with a chuckle

I blushed and looked down at my feet "I was outnumbered,"

He took his hands off my shoulders and walked around the room we were in. It was a huge kitchen and just a few feet ahead, I could see a fireplace.

"Want to take a look around?"

I looked at him for a while and then shook my head. "I just want to go somewhere to rest,"

"Okay,"

We walked around the house which ended up in us actually taking a look around. There was also an inside pool and a small waterfall in the back along with a small garden. To get to the garden, you had to down these stairs. We finally found some rooms. Wait, I should rephrase that. Room.

"My great-grandfather wasn't expecting to have children I guess so maybe that's why-"

"There's a single bed. But how does it manage to stay so clean?"

"Me and my mom were going to come here so I guess she had it cleaned before we were going to come here,"

I nodded in understanding. I wonder who's his dad.

"Don't worry. I'll go downstairs and sleep in the living room,"

He grabbed some blankets from a nearby closet and left me in the room.

"Wait, Andre,"

"What?" He said this a little too harsh.

"Never mind,"

He scoffed and then kept on walking. I could hear his foosteps in the hallway.

Thank you,
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
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Thu Aug 25, 2011 2:22 am
WriteWriter says...



Another great chapter, I read the first two but I never responded. This is really getting good, I must know more! I'm really enjoying your story so far. I hope to read more here soon!
I Know I Can Wish Upon A Star But My Past Is My Past, And That Includes Last Night And Yesterday.
  





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Fri Aug 26, 2011 7:44 pm
radiatelove23 says...



this is the first chapter i read of your story,and ofcourse as obvious im going to be lost but the thing is even though i have not read the others it sounds really good and im hoping to read your first ones plus the ones i'll be looking forward to.nice!
Radiate Love
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:14 pm
Cotton says...



hello :D I haven't read the other parts, I confess, but I'm all fired up with correcting grammar and punctuation so I'll just go through and see if I can find anything...

I had grabbed my pepper spray from my bag and I started going over the boxing tips my brother, Dean, told me.

You're using the "had grabbed" past tense, so I'd stick to that in the whole sentence so I'd write this instead: "I had grabbed my pepper spray from my bad and had started going over the boxing tips my brother, Dean, had told/taught me."

"Hey, beautiful. How are you?" one of them asked

Typo - you missed the full stop/period at the end.

"Aww, baby. Why you got to be like that, " This guy took me by the hands.

I'm sure you know this, but if the writing outside the speech describes the speech, then you have a comma at the end of the speech; if it doesn't, then you have a full stop. Here, he's asking a question and then the text afterwards isn't "he said" or whatever, so just swap the comma for a question mark and it's perfect xD

"Let go of me, " I growled " Why do you have to do this?"

You need a full stop after "growled"

My eyes widened in horror and I head-butt this monster.

Tense: "head-butted" :D

"Hey, let go of our friend!" I could hear Teresa yell "May, go call the police,"

"I don't think you want to do that or..." I could feel a gun's barrel on the side of my head " You won't have a friend anymore,"

Again, you need full stops/periods after "yell" and "head", and you need a full stop/period or even an exclamation mark maybe at the end of the lines "May, go call the police!" and "You won't have a friend anymore."
You've done that a few times now, so be aware of these rules, go through and make sure you correct them.

Before he could finish, the van screeched to a halt. I could hear pounding coming from the roof of the van and the two guys in the front went out to investigate. It wasn't long till I heard two bodies crashing to the side of the van. The other three guys left the van and judging by the bangs and bumps, they had suffered the same thing as their friends. The van door opened and a pair of arms took me out.

You say van quite a lot in this paragraph - could you change one or two to something else to provide variety?

To get to the garden, you had to down these stairs.

Whoops, you missed out a verb :P

"Me and my mom were going to come here so I guess she had it cleaned before we were going to come here,"

Again, you need a full stop/period at the end - also, you write "come here" twice, and I think that the second time this would work better: "My and my mom were going to come here, so I guess she had it cleaned before we were going to arrive." Makes it more interesting xD

Yeah, so only a few minor mistakes - just make sure you're using a period at the ends of sentences and paragraphs. Otherwise, I'm very impressed :D

~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company
  








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