Young Writers Society

I was sitting lazily on my porch swing, my duffle bag just lying a few feet away. It was a hot day, my bare legs were sticking to the metal seat of the swing.
I let my head fall back, letting my hair flow though the sudden gust of wind. It was the first day of spring break. It was also the day that a select few of my friends and I were travelling up north to Roger's cottage.
I lifted my smooth legs in the air and pushed myself higher in the swing.

"Hey dollface!" I heard Mike call.

I opened my eyes and lowered my sunglasses. Mike was leaning his head out of the window of his minivan. I could see Sheryl, Craig, Alexis and Roger also seated inside the vehicle. I peeled my legs off of the swing, grabbed my duffle, and leaped for the car.I walked up to Mike's open window and pulled at his shirt collar teasingly.

"What do you mean 'dollface'?"

He smirked, pulling me into the window and nuzzling my neck. "Ah nothing Beth. Just get your cute butt in the car."
I smiled, gushing at the fact that i hadn't wasted two hours trying to figure out what were the best shorts to wear.
I slid open the side door and crowded in, settling in the middle seat beside Craig and Sheryl. I tossed my duffle in the trunk and then buckled my seatbelt.

"Safety first." Craig smirked, pulling my belt tight against my lap.

I flicked his nose and then wiped at my sweating forehead.

"Gosh, could we get some AC back here? Craig stinks!"

Everyone in the van chuckled, besides Craig.The air turned on as Mike pulled out of my driveway. He sped down my street, and soon we were on the highway.
~*_*~
Two hours passed, us sitting in the cramped van joking around and poking each other.
It wasn't until Alexis let us all know that she had to relieve liquid from her bladder that we finally stopped.
We were in a small run down town. Something out of a horror movie or whatever.
We all piled out of the van as Mike went to go get gas, the next street over.
"Well that doesn't look creepy." Sheryl muttered, pulling her knitted shirt lower across her stomach.
We stood infront of a general store that was basically looming at us. It had several broken windows, it's front door crooked and the welcome sign not looking welcome at all.

"Well Alexia?" Roger asked, looking away from the ugly store to her.

She blinked bewildered at him. "Yeah?"

"Aren't you going to go ask for a restroom?"

Alexis let out a frightened squeak as she looked back at the store. "I'm not going in there!"

Craig and Sheryl both let out halfhearted laughs. I grabbed Alexis's arm and then started dragging her to the store. It may look scary, but the sooner she got to a restroom the faster we could get the hell out of here.
The door opened with a chime, letting the owner know a customer had entered.An old lady shuffled behind the large teller's counter and looked us over behind her large glasses.

"You folk lost?" She had a heavy texan drawl that made it hard to understand but it got the jist.

"No ma'am. But we were wondering if by any chance you had a restroom we could use?"

The lady grunted, starting to walk back to the office room behind a large drapery of dusty curtains, muttering profanities to herself.Alexis and i stared after her, gawking.

"Well that couldn't have gotten weirder." Alexis whispered, tightening her grip on my hand. "Come on, i can hold it until we get to Roger's."

I nodded, still not looking away from the door the lady went into.
Alexis shook me, and i pursed my lips. We walked out of the general store fast.
I was looking down at my feet, making sure i didn't trip on the gravel lawn.Then i felt a chill behind me,I looked back, training my eyes on one of the broken windows. There the old lady was standing, watching us leave. I felt a shudder run down my spine, I turned back around so we could get away faster.

"Um Beth?"

"Yeah?" I looked up and noticed what Alexis was worried about.

"Where's Craig and Sheryl!?" She squeaked.
~~~~~~~

I like it. It's strangely reminiscent of an episode of that T.V. program where the guy's Dad is the devil and he has to collect souls for him, yet at the same time it's very original. Well, so far at least.
Only a few things I can pick on:
"There the old lady was standing, watching us leave." I feel like this should be either,
"The old lady was standing there, watching us leave." or, alternatively,
"There the old lady was; standing, watching us leave."

"We stood infront of a general store" Missed a space there.

"She had a heavy texan drawl that made it hard to understand but it got the jist." This needs changed also. Might I suggest,
"She had a heavy Texan drawl that made it hard to understand her, but I got the jist of what she said."

Apart from these small changes, It was really good for a first post. You sure know what you're doing! Keep it up!

SheszOnFirex33 wrote:He smirked, pulling me into the window and nuzzling nuzzled my neck. "Ah nothing Beth. Just get your cute butt in the car."

I smiled, gushing at the fact that I hadn't wasted two hours trying to figure out what were the best shorts to wear.

I slid open the side door and crowded in, settling in the middle seat beside Craig and Sheryl. I tossed my duffle in the trunk and then buckled my seatbelt. (If it's crowded in the van, wouldn't she have hit someone as she tossed her duffle? Maybe she could go to the trunk first and then get in the van.)

~*_*~

We were in a small run down town. Something out of a horror movie or whatever. (Describe the town in more detail. Readers will have different ideas as to what a town looks like in a horror movie and by describing what the town looks like to you, will help the reader visualize it as well.)

We stood infront of a general store that was basically looming at us. It had several broken windows, it'sits front door crooked and the welcome sign not looking welcome welcoming at all.

"You folk lost?" She had a heavy texan Texan drawl that made it hard to understand but it I got the jist.

"No ma'am. But we were wondering if by any chance you had a restroom we could use?"

The lady grunted, starting to walk back to the office room behind a large drapery of dusty curtains, muttering profanities to herself. Alexis and I stared after her, gawking.

"Well that couldn't have gotten weirder." Alexis whispered, tightening her grip on my hand. "Come on, I can hold it until we get to Roger's."

Alexis shook me, and I pursed my lips. We walked out of the general store fast.

I was looking down at my feet, making sure I didn't trip on the gravel lawn.Then I felt a chill behind me.

I looked back, training keeping my eyes on one of the broken windows. There the old lady was standingstood, watching us leave.

With a little more work, this could be good. The first line is what will draw readers in, so make it a good one. "I was sitting lazily on my porch swing, my duffle bag just lying a few feet away," is good. It made me want to know more, like why is she leaving? Is she a runaway? Where is she going? So, that first sentence is fine.

Moving on, something you really need to focus on is description. Don't expect the reader to fill in the gaps for you and don't assume that they know what you are talking about. If a building is foreboding, describe it. If it's a hot day, make your reader feel it.

Lastly, try avoiding using 'whatever' when describing people or places. It gives the impression that you've given up trying to describe the object or that you don't care enough to describe it.

Overall, I like how this isn't your typical romance novel and I'm interested in seeing how this story unfolds. Good luck and don't let my review discourage you from writing!

Hey there!
Um..shouldn't you censor the title? Cause everyone can see it? I like the story so far, it looks pretty interesting. You've grabbed my attention with the whole old lady thing. But yeah, I agree with LiteraryInk, you gotta up the description. Um..and also, these guys seem like young adults, I'd like a little glimpse at Beth's family. Where are they? Or does she live alone? Maybe find a way to make that a little clearer.

"Where's Craig and Sheryl!?" She squeaked.

Cut out the '!!?', I don't think it's acceptable punctuation. Also it should be 'Where are'?

Continue writing. ^.^