Young Writers Society

[center]" Adriana, Believe Me . . I Didn't Mean To Kiss Her ", I Felt Keydon's Breath On My Neck . " I-I Can't Trust You Any More, I'm Sorry ", I Whispered . " Please, I Love You, To The Stars and Forever On . " " Promise Me One Thing . " " Yes ? " " Don't Do It Again . " " I Promise ", He Said Kissing My Neck . " I-I-I Have To G-Go ", I Said Giving Him A Quick Kiss . I Ran Home, I Never Saw Him Ever Since, I've Never Came Out Of My Room and, I'm Not Planning To . .
~Chapter One(:~
Today's The First Day Of School . I Groaned and Go Out Of Bed . I Peeled My Clothes Off and Put On A Grey Plaid Shirt and Shorty Shorts . I Headed To The Door But, I Paused and Slipped On My Grey Converse . [i]Gonna See Keydon Today . .[b][size=100]I Opened The Door and Ran To School . I Walked In Slowly . The Whole School Went Quiet . " KEYDON ! YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND IS HERE ! ", Screamed A Blonde Girl . ~Not Finished~

Hello I'll be review this so far.

Today's The First Day Of School . I Groaned and Go Out Of Bed . I Peeled My Clothes Off and Put On A Grey Plaid Shirt and Shorty Shorts . I Headed To The Door But, I Paused and Slipped On My Grey Converse . [i]Gonna See Keydon Today . .[b][size=100]I Opened The Door and Ran To School . I Walked In Slowly . The Whole School Went Quiet . " KEYDON ! YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND IS HERE ! ", Screamed A Blonde Girl .

I'm just gonna jump right in here.

Today's The First Day Of School

I don't really know why you have put a capital letter for each word. Also this sentence was kind of bland and is so over used in stories, such as this.

So far it seems extremely bland and rushed. Try and explain more. For example; her looks, what she did that morning and introduce her family, or who she lives with.

Hope this was of use to you

Erm.

Today's The First Day Of School . I Groaned and Go Out Of Bed . I Peeled My Clothes Off and Put On A Grey Plaid Shirt and Shorty Shorts . I Headed To The Door But, I Paused and Slipped On My Grey Converse . [i]Gonna See Keydon Today . .[b][size=100]I Opened The Door and Ran To School . I Walked In Slowly . The Whole School Went Quiet . " KEYDON ! YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND IS HERE ! ", Screamed A Blonde Girl . ~Not Finished~

Well. One thing about YWS is that we always use proper grammar. You need to fix the problem with the constant capitals.
"I Headed To The Door But, I Paused and Slipped On My Grey Converse" needs to become "I headed to the door, but I paused and slipped on my grey converse." Converse WHAT? Sneakers? Make it clear.

Also, this is awfully rushed. She's left the house and is at school, making a scene, in three sentences? I'm sorry, but this has to be completely restructured before you keep on working.