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Legacy Chapter Six



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Sun Aug 21, 2011 3:01 am
artemis15sc says...



Spoiler! :
[I've just decided that I should probably add more reactions to her surroundings, she takes everything too calmly. Any feedback regarding that would be lovely.



I jerked awake. My house was suddenly alive with screams and what sounded like men’s voices shouting.
Rebels.
It had to be. Who else who have the nerve to break into the General’s house? I felt panicked. But I had to stay calm, somehow. Slowly, I breathed.
Only to have fear overtake my heart at the sound of new scream, a child’s.
Katie. I realized. Then I rushed out of the room.
Outside, was Chaos.
Most of our guards lay slumped on the floor, though a few were still fighting, their weapons lost or forgotten. The rebels must have dismantled our defense system as well, as it wasn’t firing on them. Most of the servants were running, shrieking hysterically as they tried to escape the commotion, but some had decided to fight back. Their house hold items looked like wooden sticks next to the advanced weaponry of the rebels, but that wasn’t stopping them from backing their attackers into a corner, literally.
No one seamed to be in immediate danger, so I continued toward the childish shreiking. I could hear her screams getting louder, but they weren’t coming from her room, as I first expected. They were coming from our father’s study. I flew up the stairs and smashed the door open.

A terrifying site met my eyes.
My sister was there, and so were two of the rebels. One held my sister’s arm in a tight grip. He was young, only in his early twenties, with crisp, dark hair and fierce expression as he glared at Katie. She had tears streaming down her face and I could feel her terror. She tried to pull away, but the man merely shook her roughly and growled.
“Where are the documents girl, where does your father keep his files?” But Katie only cried harder and struggled to escape.
“She’s just a kid Chris, she doesn’t know.” Said the other rebel, as he sifted through papers on my Father’s desk. He was older, with a long, wiry build and tinted blond hair. I didn't know what they were doing, but whatever it was it didn't involve Katie, I had to get her out.
Then Katie did something that took us all by surprise. She sunk her teeth into the first man’s arm.
“Ow...” he gasped “why you..!”
“Chris she’s just a girl.” The other said again.
“She bit me!”
“Because she’s scared, your terrifying her.” He sounded exasperated, obviously his friend wasn't just having an off-night.
“But...”
“Let her go Chris” His voice was commanding now.
Chris glared at him resentfully, but it was clear he also respected him as a leader.
He released her.
And that’s when I struck. I was barely a foot away when he noticed me. I hurled my arm toward his face, but he was faster. He grabbed my arm and pinned it behind my back. I was far from beaten, however. I flung my other arm around until it smacked him in the gut. I could hear the satisfying
sound of air whooshing out of him. His grip on my arm weakened. I tore free and grabbed my sister.
“Darcy," she sobbed.
“Kay...” I started, but was cut off as an arm wrapped around my neck. As quickly as it had come, though, it was gone.
"Forget them,” the other rebel said again, “forget about them, focus on the mission!” I could hear them struggling, but I didn’t stick around to see who won. I wrapped my hand around Katie’s and tore her out of the room. We emerged into the hallway. It was still a battle outside, but now it seamed the rebels were winning. They had subdued the last few guards, and were proceeding to take down the servants. We kept running, all the way to the attic.
‘Katie stay here.” I said hurriedly.
“Darcy,” she gasped. “Darcy they want something of daddy’s, they’re going to steal something Darcy!”
“stay here,” I said again. I kissed here forehead, then lifted up her chin and looked directly into her eyes. “I will found out what they’re up too.” I promised. “I won’t let them get away with this.” She blinked away her tears, met my gaze, and nodded. I gave her one last fleeting kiss before bolting back to the study.
I crouched just outside the door, listening, but the fighting was too loud to make anything out . I leaned closer, straining to pick up what they were saying. I could here papers being shuffled, cabinets being opened.
“It’s not here!” Said a voice I recognized as Chris’s.
“it’s got be. Keep looking.” More scuffling and cabinets slamming.
“Why are we trying to find this map anyway, aren’t they going to take one look around and realize the only thing that’s missing is a map of the Galan forest?”
The Galan Forest?,That wasn’t far from here. Why did they want a map of the Galan forest?
“The Empire doesn’t know about the underground, so out location is secure, besides, we need the information that’s on that map.”
Underground,Galan Forest?
Then it hit me.
I knew where the rebel base was.
Or at least, I had some information concerning its whereabouts.I had to learn more, I peered around the corner.
My knee slipped out from under me and I smack into the floor with sickening crunch.
The voices ceased. Before I had a chance to move, my headed was roughly jerked back.
“What did you hear?” the bronze-haired guy asked. I didn't answer and tried to jerk free. He swore and pressed something to my mouth.

Chloroform.

That was my last thought before I blacked out.

I woke up to a smooth, cold, metal floor. I could here a soft hum beneath me, the lightest of vibrations. I was in a Ryder. I blinked a few times, and slowly opened my eyes. I was surrounded by people dressed in simple, dark clothing. To the side of me was one of the rebel’s from last night, the nonviolent one. In his hand was a slender gray tube, a digital file. So they had found what they were looking for.
He looked down at me and grinned.
“Morning, sleepyhead.”
I sat up swiftly, and instantly regretted it. My head felt like it got in a fight with a metal club. I almost blacked out again.
“Wow their Tiger,” the same guy said. “Easy does it.”
I fought past my dizziness and sat up properly.
“Where are you taking me?” I demanded. I was trying to sound commanding, but I was pretty sure they could hear the fear underlying my tone.
He sighed. “Guess,” he answered.
"Your base,” I responded, more confidently. “Or headquarters, or whatever.”
He smiled sadly “and where exactly is that?” I knew what he was doing. He was trying to get me to admit I’d overheard them last night (had it been last night?)
“What time is it?” I didn’t expect a response, but he answered promptly.

“Five thirty-three”

“What we’re you doing in my house?” He looked at me sadly again.
“You already know.” I huffed, angry at how certain he sounded.
“How did you break in?”

“Like we’d tell you that.” A male’s voice snorted, not one I recognized.
It was then that I finally took notice of the other people in the craft. Driving was a Hispanic man who looked to be in his early thirties, sitting next to him was a pretty Asian girl who I guessed was just a little older than me. There was the dark haired one that I’d met last night, and of course the blond one. Then there was the one with mouse-brown hair and a large build that must have answered my question.
The last one was probably the strangest of all. She was also a female, but older, in her twenties. She had long, Reddish brown hair and almost translucent skin. On her ears she wore large, black-diamond earrings. She stood away from the others, all the while casting wary looks about her, as if she didn’t trust her surroundings.
Then her eyes found me. I was so shocked I almost gasped. Her eyes were a deep shade of violet, and piercing. So piercing I had to look away, but not before I noticing a large, glistening sapphire that she wore in a brooch around her neck.

I took me a while to regain my bearings. I tried to recall were I had left off, when a horrific though hit me.

"what did you do to my family?'.

"Nothing." my answerer replied soothingly. I gave him a suspicious glance.

"Really there fine, well we had to drug the female with black hair" He added, some what hesitantly. "She got feisty. Chris Snorted.

"more like tried to rip our spines out." he rubbed the back of his neck gingerly. I felt a smug sense of satisfaction and rushing of affection for my sister.

"And the guards?" I continued.

"Drugged." he assured me, while mousey shot him a scathing look.

"she has a right to know" he said in that same soothing tone. I was surprised at how honest he seamed to be with me, it was like he was trying to stay on my good side. He was wasting his time.

I'd thought of another question.

“what else did you take from my house?” he sighed again, a tired, wearied sigh.

“You ask a lot of questions.” He said without looking at me. I knew this was an indication to stop, but I wasn’t done.
“I’ll ask just one more then.” I hoped my voice didn’t betray the terror I was feeling, I had to sound strong. I needed to know.
“What are you going to do with me?” He didn’t look at me, nor did he speak. Everyone was silent until finally a voice, Chris’s said.
“We’re going to deal with you.” I gulped, my courage fading at the ice in his voice. I didn’t have time to contemplate what exactly "deal with me" could entail, before we jerked to a stop.
“Blind her,” The Leader, aka answered, said. “We’re home.”
Last edited by artemis15sc on Sat Oct 08, 2011 2:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Aug 22, 2011 1:55 am
sienna says...



This is a really great story i like this a lot the characters are so well detailed i like the main character the story is very understandable. i hope to see more of this story. I did spot a couple puncation errors though just a couple commas there and a period here no biggy please keep writing your story! XD
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 3:06 pm
IcyFlame says...



I read your piece first and then came back to the spoiler and I have to say I completely agree with you! A good technique for working out how your character would react to these situations is to sit quietly, close your eyes and imagine you are in the place of the character. You can even have the conversations with the other characters the way your MC does. You'll probably look a little mad, but a lot of writers are bordering on insanity anyway. Unless you're Skins. She crossed that line a while back. It's probably best to do it somewhere you won't get interrupted though, just in case you do get hauled off to a mental hospital.
I try to leave out the parts that people skip. ~Elmore Leonard
That's another idea to try and write by. It can be fixed quite simply. Work out the bits that you skip in other books, and see if you have any similar pieces. Quite often you will find that they are info dumps. If you can, spread crucial information through the chapter rather than forcing the reader to digest it all in one go.
Good luck editing!
  








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