Young Writers Society

Chapter 20

There was a party in our backyard. We all invited our friends, family and neighbor’s. So, sadly, this had to include Harry.

My dad was standing at the barbecue, flipping the steaks. Mom was chatting with Natasha (Harry’s mother).

I was sitting on one of our swings, hitting the muddy ground with my Converse. Georgie was running late with her family, and Sam was hanging out with my brother as his family did whatever. So, clearly, he left me alone.

I know right? How could he?!

Ha-ha let him be. He can’t always hang out with me even though he’s my best friend. But, thank God today was one of those heat flash days. Today was the hottest day in February. About seventy degrees Fahrenheit.

I know, crazy, I know. Especially for Chicago. But this was only caused because a storm was coming tonight.

Shutting my eyes, I listened closely to a song that ran through my headphones. Rhythm of Love by the Plain White T’s.

That’s when someone started to shake my swing. Not again! Do people like bothering me, scaring me half to death, or risking their life?!

I opened my eyes, turning my iPod off.

“What do you want?” I hissed.

“I want you to talk to me,” Harry said.

“I am talking to you,”

He kneeled in front of me, letting me look clearly into his brown eyes. My heart jumped into my throat. Oh, not again.

A smile formed on his face, ear to ear.

“Jessa, I miss you,” he said.

I felt something sting inside of my chest. I don’t know what it was, but it stung real hard. The somersaulting came up in my stomach.

“I don’t miss you,” I said as quietly as possible, full of regret.

“That’s a lie,”

How could he hear me?!

“How do you know?” I blew up at him.

His eyes widened but he remained calm. I held onto the strings that hung the swing, so tightly that my knuckles were turning white.

“Because, I just do.” He sighed.

Ha, he just knew. Lies, all lies.

“Jessa, I really do miss you. Do you not understand me?” he begged me.

God, he seemed to mean it. Why does he have to make me feel so much freaking regret!?

“I understand you, but I just I…” I couldn’t finish.

Something in me said that, uh, I don’t even know.

Hrrrrm this was ok, a little predictable but that's not my main issue. You've fallen back into the habit of it looking like Jessa is telling her story through a conversation with her friend. It's nice that she thinks of the reader as her friend but its all waaay too formal and over the top.
Tone down the constant 'I know right' and 'let him be' unless it's in a conversation she is having with another character.
The exchange with Harry bugged me a little bit; it was hard to follow. Look it over and I'm sure this could be one of your best chapters!

This being the first entry I've read in the series I thought Jessica was the narrator as well.
A tad cliche, more of a journal entry. Make the bbq more dynamic.

Is it awkward to see Harry? Make it painfully akward.

Oh boy. Chapter 20. You've got some dedication! That's fabulous-- no amount of critiques can help you if you can't force yourself to just push on, so you're already on your way to implementing the best advice anyone can give: finish your project! No matter what anyone says, make sure to keep writing

The other too are right that your style is very informal, even for first-person, and even for a teenage girl. She comes across as superficial and "blonde", if you know what I mean. The "I know right?!" and "Uh, I don't even know" and "Ha ha" are just too conversational for a novel if you want readers to take her seriously as a narrator.

Right now, the problem is clearly that you're speeding through this. You try and describe the party, its invites, and the entire setting with three sentences-- take a deep breath and let yourself develop the scene. Was Jessa looking forward to this party? How does she go about trying to avoid Harry? Why isn't she talking to any of her other friends? What's the general mood of the party-- cheerful and upbeat, or is it one of those dead parties with everyone standing around awkwardly? I can't imagine the setting at all. Give some more mature reactions from Jessa-- rational thought rather than this preteen squeamishness.

Anyway, good perseverance, and keep at it! PM me for anything.

~Evi