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On Top of Starry Hill Chapter 1



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Fri Aug 05, 2011 6:35 pm
azntwinz2 says...



It was December twenty-third. It was also the coldest night of the year, and a frosty blanket of snow covered the city of Seoul*.

As the drunken crowds stumbled off to sleep, street signs shut down one by one, until only the lights of a 24 hour Cafe Bene* remained. Its cheerful, brown sign advertising expensive coffee.

One pitiful soul braved the coldest night, a statue next to the gaping entrance of the subway. As the night crept on, he slowly became a human snowman, because the snow loved him and clung to him, shaping his features and freezing them into marble. Only his frostbitten hands remained human, shivering as he extended them outward.

Four meager coins stuck icily to his palms of pity.

The squeal of rubber tires tore through the frigid, unforgiving night. A midnight-blue BMW convertible braked to a stop along the empty street. Out climbed a thin woman inappropriately dressed in a frilly, white wedding gown.
She paid no attention to the beggar, in fact she may not have actually seen him, and walked stiffly into the coffee shop. Within five minutes she was back, and she had seen him - evident from the frothy, steaming coffee cup she placed carefully before him.

He would have liked to say thank you, but before he could painfully lick his blue lips free, she had driven away with her midnight-blue car.

She had disappeared, only to reappear moments later. She braked as loudly as before, and walked just as stiffly over to the subway entrance. Making sure to sweep the ruffles of her dress to the right side, she sat down as prim and proper as any lady.

With thawed lips, the man started by saying, “Thanks for the coffee. I would have preferred cash though.”

She did not respond, and only shivered as the snow coated her hair, eyelashes, and bare shoulders, somehow resembling the missing wedding veil.

“Business is worse on holidays for some reason,” he continued, finally retracting his pink hands as he numbly slipped the coins into an inside pocket. Picking up the coffee, he smelled it hungrily and slowly brought it to his lips.

“It’s got something to do with human mentality. Christmas is a busier time for people, got places to go and money to spend. You know, I know some guys who cut off a leg on purpose, they get a lot more business. Ah, and then the old ones, they’re the worst.”

“You’re not that old,” she said at last, “why are you begging?”

“I’m not,” he responded, “I’m fundraising.”

“Enlighten me.”

“All the money I make, it goes into a fund for my dream to go to Istanbul. I’m a writer, you see. I need the inspiration, and I think Istanbul’s the perfect place.” While he said that, he looked into his secure pocket and counted the sparse coins.

“And, I had hoped to finish fundraising by today,” he sighed wistfully.

“How much more do you need?” The woman asked, and only then he realized she was quite beautiful. She wasn’t the beauty that stopped men in their tracks, she was the kind that didn’t seem beautiful until someone really cared to look. Her raven black hair framed her face, barely constrained into a loose bun by all the invisible bobby pins. She had sharp, witty eyes and a small elegant nose. All these features combined to form a handsome, if not astounding, beauty. She really was the most prettiest, snowiest bride he had ever seen.
“Ten dollars,” he replied, and she subsequently pulled out a crisp 100 dollar bill from the wallet she clutched tightly.
“Thanks for the donation,” he said, his eyebrows raised in shock.
“It’s not a donation. It’s compensation for your time,” she said, and then brought her knees up to support her chin.
“You know GS Electronics?” She asked but didn’t wait for him to answer. “I feel like I’ve known that name since I was born. Maybe it might have been the first word I ever spoke. My grandfather was the founder of GS Electronics. My father inherited the company when he was 37. I was born when he was 39. A girl and an only child, I always felt I had to make it up to him. I had to marry the right guy, the right person who could lead GS Electronics to even greater heights. It was the only way to make up for my failure. My sins.” The woman’s eyes glazed over as she recited a speech she had written and rewritten over and over, crossing out lines and substituting words in her mind. The words she wanted to get off her chest, the ones that could not accurately describe her torment. The ones that could not be said aloud.
The man just sipped his long since empty coffee cup as he listened very closely.

“I was determined. The right man had been found, the right time had been set. I would finally be free of this suffocating guilt, I would have finally accomplished my duty after 26 years. I was determined. I was determined while the iron burned my hair, while the soft strokes of the brush coated my cheeks. I was determined when my father took my white capped hands, while I was walking up the long row of flowers and red carpet. I was determined, even while the priest asked that question: Will you, Kim Tae Yeon, have Kim Jae Hwan to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort and keep him, and forsaking all others, remain true to him as long as you both shall live? I was determined while my dress fluttered from the speed and the shocked faces turned in unison, following my white train. I was determined while I slammed my foot down on the accelerator. I was determined until I sat down on this cold, wet step and realized that I hadn’t been determined at all.”
The man sighed, as he sipped once more from his still empty cup.
“And, now I’m not determined at all, and I need you to tell me what I should do.” She turned to face him, and once more he was struck by her subtle beauty and the way her black curls had loosened some more to bounce around her ears.
“Well, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you a place that will tell you what to do,” he responded, for the first time rising to his feet as slowly as a tree’s growth.
“Where?” She breathed up at him, the fog rising like a stream to encircle his face.
“Starry Hill.”

Spoiler! :
*Seoul is the capital of South Korea. South Korea is a small, developed country in East Asia.
*Cafe Bene is a real coffee chain started in Seoul.
Last edited by azntwinz2 on Mon Aug 08, 2011 4:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Fri Aug 05, 2011 7:01 pm
Gryffindor13 says...



So very interesting! I can't wait to read more! I want to know where Starry Hill is and why it will help Kim figure out what to do. I really enjoyed it. My only criticism is that I thought it lacked some detail. Don't get me wrong, I loved it, but I think it could use a little more description. Leave a little bit of room for interpretation and the readers imagination, just don't leave too much room. Keep on writing!
  





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Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:10 pm
IcyFlame says...



I really liked this! I have to say it reminded me a little of Terry Pratchett's style, just the way you describe conversations. If you are going to continue with either of these character's it might be nice if there were more motives behind her actions.
For instance: why does she pay a complete starnger to ask him about something she has no idea if he will be able to respond to? Surely she would ask him and then, being a kind person, compensate for it afterwards? And why does he listen. He has the money now, he could just leave.
All in all this chapter was well written if not a little shot and lacking in imformation. It would be ideal as a prologue. Happy writing!
  





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Sat Aug 06, 2011 4:50 pm
AngelKnight900 says...



This is a really interesting chapter and I can't wait to read more of your chapters. I'm very interested about this woman and this mysterious Starry Hill. This makes me actually want to go to South Korea. Your description was very good. I could imagine the white snow and the women's features and everything...but this writer....I want to know what he looks like. I really enjoyed this first chapter. Keep writing.
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Mon Aug 08, 2011 5:35 am
Rascalover says...



Hello,
Thank you for requesting a review. most of my review will consist of grammar mistakes, but I will try to give you an opinion of the plot and characters as well. :)

It was December 23.

23 should be spelled out, twenty-three.

It was also the coldest night they year,

coldest night *of the year*

*These beginning sentences remind me of when they first taught you how to write a story and to identify the setting in a story in the fifth grade. I love the simplicity of it, but always I feel like it is lacking something. I know that's contradicting, so maybe just keep it as it is.

“And I had hoped to finish fundraising by today,” he sighed wistfully.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction, but because this is dialogue you can, just add a comma after the and. Conjunctions include: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So.

And she really was the most prettiest, snowiest bride he had ever seen.

Take away the word and, and capitalize the s in she.

*The paragraph long monolgoue of the girl seems a bit like info dumping, but because there seems to be a purpose for it, I don't know if you should change it or not, just think about it.

“And now I’m not determined at all, and I need you to tell me what I should do.”

Put a comma after the word and.

“Well, I can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you a place that will tell you what to do,”

Replace the period after do with a comma and lower case the b in but.

You have an amazing talent to write, and capture an audience, bravo! If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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