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Young Writers Society


Then Came the Fall. Chapter 2



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Thu Aug 04, 2011 3:56 pm
IsItLove says...



As I stared out of the window, gazing at my future, my eyes came across my new residence. A pale grey detached house, blinds turned carefully to look welcoming but for a clear sense of privacy.
As we pulled up in front my new house, I stayed for a second or two in the safe haven of the car, protected from what was about to unleashed: the Grandparents.
As I climbed out of the car, unwillingly, I watched their sombre faces appear. I felt a wrenching fear well up inside me; the realisation that I would have to spend nearly three years with them. Tears pricked my eyes. Feeling like a fool, I blinked furiously in an attempt to rid them.
I walked towards the door, the welcoming smiles created an eerie tension inside. As I greeted them, with a false, mildly happy appearance, my bags were taken from me. I stepped inside the house, breathing in the musty smell that was emitted not only from the old furniture but from them as well.
My eyes began to drift off; exploring the new surroundings: the dated furniture, the wall plastered with peeling wallpaper, with colours washed away by many attention-less years. I felt dirty just being here.
“Hi, I am Tess Collins; I work for Thames Valley Police. I brought Maria here. I am sorry for your loss, and also that this couldn’t be under happier circumstances.” The police officer spoke to my Grandparents for a while. Leaving me time to take my things up to my new room.
The stench as I walked in was unreal. The smell of the house could not be compared to this. It seemed as though someone had died in here. I felt claustrophobic; trapped by my surrounding, as I feared everything. I had never really spoken to my Grandparents that much before, mainly at funerals. I don’t think my Mum liked her Parents that much and it is easy to see why. I had been here ten minutes and I hated them. I kept thinking about the countless stories my Mum would suddenly tell about when her Mother tipped porridge over her head in one of her drunken rages or how her Father was so adamant she shouldn’t be a nurse that he hid two of her acceptance letters.
I sat on the stiff bed, as tears once more began to gather in my eyes. But this time I was not prepared for a battle. I began to replay each family memory: Christmases, Birthdays, and finally our recent trip to Florida. How could things change this much?
I heard the front door close as Tess left, my one escape route gone, just like that.
Last edited by IsItLove on Mon Aug 29, 2011 6:24 am, edited 2 times in total.
Passion for writing make all the difference; it turns a good novel into a great one.
  





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Fri Aug 05, 2011 7:29 pm
Gryffindor13 says...



This is really good! I can't wait to read more! You make the characters feel real. By just reading the story, you feel connected to the characters. You feel the saddness, the anger, the hatred and the sense of loss. Well done!
There are only a couple of things I would like to mention:
IsItLove wrote:As the car pulled up in front my new house, I stayed for a second or two in the safe haven of the car

This sentence didn't really flow the way a sentence should. Read it out loud. See what I mean? I think you should cut out the second "car" to make it flow a little better. So instead of saying "the safe haven of the car" maybe you could say "in my safe haven" or something along those lines. The use of the word car twice in that sentence just doesn't seem to work.

IsItLove wrote:Leaving me time to take my things up to my, new room.

The comma my and new shouldn't be there. Just my new room.

A few simple mistakes :) It was really good, I can't wait to read more! Keep writing!
  





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Mon Aug 15, 2011 6:19 pm
Gamergirl says...



An other greatly done chapter. Your wording is just as great here and I feel extremely sorry for poor Maria and everything she has been through. You make the readers feel the same way as Maria herself.

As we pulled up in front my new house, I stayed for a second or two in the safe haven of the car, protected from what was about to unleashed. The Grandparents.


I don't think that was really need to put a full stop in between unleashed and The Grandparents.

All in all a great chapter however I would like more of the chapters to be longer. It just seemed a little short at the moment :)

Look forward to the next chapter :D
"Is the glass half empty? Or half full?"

"Well, if I turn on the tap I can make it full!" ~ me.
  








Be led by your talent and not by your self-loathing ... everything beautiful in the world is within you.
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