Hmm. Interesting. Very interesting. I'm not so fond on the title, personally speaking. I don't think it fits the style of writing. It seems too cliched in my honest opinion. However, the writing is really good. I think it just needs some work on the structure of the piece. It looks a bit uneven. You should also doublecheck for punctuation and grammar. I find it quite funny- you're good. This is a good piece. But it could be excellent
The Nation of Ulysses Must Prevail!
If you don't like Mikko, you better friggin' die.
The power of Robert Smith compels you!
Adam + Lisa ♥
When you greet a stranger look at his shoes. Keep your money in your shoes.
PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETPLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!HER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!LET THEM GET BACK TOGETHER! I'll kill you if you don't you know! Guys have feelings aswell!!!
The Nation of Ulysses Must Prevail!
If you don't like Mikko, you better friggin' die.
The power of Robert Smith compels you!
Adam + Lisa ♥
When you greet a stranger look at his shoes. Keep your money in your shoes.
I think this has a lot of potential! Just a few things that I noticed while looking this over. =) Shall we?
I was really getting into the piece until we got to the description of her dressing room. Sure, I get that she must spend a lot of time in there, but you spend a lot of time on describing things that, quite frankly, were kind of boring. Why does the reader need to know what color her walls are, or that her chair is black and fluffy?
I also found the description of her day a bit much, especially after the description of her dressing room. It's too much information, too soon. I don't want to know what your character did earlier that day, I want to know what she's doing now!
Her blonde hair framed her face as she frowned up at me.
Her hair shouldn't be framing her face if she's looking up at the MC. Also, I noticed that at a later point, you mentioned that Meredith's hair is black.
only sky blue eye shadow to go with my ocean blue eyes
xD Small nitpick! It's generally unwise to match eyeshadow color with eye color. You're better off with earth-tones, such as grey or brown.
I bet it was real gold too, and that it bled into the restrooms.
What's bleeding into the bathroom? The gold? I'm going to have to assume, but the way the sentence is set up made me read it several times to understand.
The only other point I have to make is this-- Just because your story is in first person does not give you an excuse to dump your reader with exposition. There's a lot of telling and not enough showing. I don't want to hear your character describe to me how she gets into a drunken brawl, I want to see her get into a drunken brawl!
With all of that said, I really did enjoy this. =) You have a great voice in this character, and I honestly hope that my review was somewhat helpful. Please don't hesitate to drop me a PM or a comment on my wall if you ever want another look at it, or if you have any questions.
Sachi
"Funniest Member -- Sachiko. Secretly the devil. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage." -- Iggy
"Behold ye babes of grammar: the goddess Sachiko. She does what she wants." -- Lauren2010
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