Young Writers Society

Story has been removed. A new work is in the making.

Hey, Jordan.

I wanted to point something out to you, and I was able to find something to point it out clearly. Here:

and my friend and she sat in the back.

So you wrote it in first person, and changed it to third. But that's not what it sounds like. It still sounds like it's in first person, you telling your friend everything that happened.

The problem with this piece is that you're WAY too close to it. You think it's interesting and heartbreaking because you were inside of it, you know every emotion that went along with it. But you put none of those emotions into the piece, except trying to justify why you're better.

Think about stories that you read. They have a story arc. They have a beginning, middle, an end, a purpose, something that happens, someone that changes. You didn't seem to change in this story. At the beginning you thought you were worth it all and at the end you thought the same. It might be more interesting from his point of view if he genuinely realized his mistake, because then he'd have changed, but from here it's not.

And also, there's not really an end yet. I feel like you're still going through this, still thinking about it and emotionally attached, so you don't know where it ends, which is one of the problems with non-fiction or creative non-fiction. If you write about it when you're too close or when it's still going, you miss things, STORY things, that you might pick up when it finishes or when you're at a distance.

I would recommend, if you still feel strongly about telling this story, try it from his point of view. He changed. Find how he changed. I know you changed as well, since we all change like everyday, but in this story, there didn't seem to be any growth for "you" as a character.

I hope you get what I'm saying. If you don't, or have other questions, shoot me a PM!

Welcome to YWS and keep at it. : )

Hannah

I really like this poem to me so many girls/ boys but mostly girls go though this. It really is a nice poem I am new here and I don't really know what to do so I am trying to earn some poems I will add you so them maybe if you want you can show me what to do or tell me something about here.
My friend Is WishYouHadThis and Lele253isme ( she is my sister) so if you know them ( or don't) them add them. Now back to your beautiful poem it was great and I loved it I hope it becomes the post of the day or something like that.

Hm... I think this piece might have actually worked better as written in first person. The "she"s at the beginning really got confusing, and I personally feel closer to the narrator if it's in first person. There's someone to associate with.

Nitpick time:

He never cared about this girl before, and as a matter of fact, he had talked about how disgusting she was all the time.

If he doesn't talk to you anymore, than him talking about how disgusting she was must have happened in the past.

He took her friends. Took her friends and turned them all against her. Soon she would be a thousand miles away for three weeks. Three weeks of escape from everyone who turned against her. She was upset. She was scared. She thought no one could help her.

Rearrangement timee:

He took her friends. Took her friends and turned them all against her. She was upset, scared. She thought no one could help her. But soon, she would be a thousand miles away for three weeks. Three weeks of escape from everyone who had turned against her.

This way, we go from "he turned your friends against you, how that makes you feel, but finally you'll be able to escape them." As opposed to "he turned your friends against you, you'll escape for three weeks, how that makes you feel." The order helps the emotions flow more, yes?

They fought almost everyday near the end of their relationship, over the stupidest things. The day before the final break-up, he cussed her out. She was so frustrated that she was going to end it the next day. She cried about it to her friends, saying she didn't want it to end. They understood her feelings, but told her it was for the best. She put on her fake smile and agreed. Finally, she grew enough will to approach him at school. She told him that she was no longer feeling the same way. Before she could end it herself, he ended it. She was shocked. Absolutely shocked. She could not stand that he had broken up with her. She was supposed to be the heartbreaker, not him. Now she was the one with the broken heart, and he was the one who got off clean, or at least he acted like it.

You make vague references to what could turn out to be very interesting scenes. Something my English teacher once told me was that select scenes with the correct details will actually bring us closer to the narrator than vague references. So... take us to one of your fights. Bring us into the break-up scene. What does he say that hurts so much? Why? What cut the heart? Vague references just won't do it for readers. When you feel like you're ready, you can turn this into a real story.

She sat at her desk and decided to un-tag herself, and delete him as a friend. Finally, he was gone. She deleted him from her Skype and phone too. He was gone. The problem was, she knew his number by heart. She could not give in. She told herself that she would not give in. She would not text him.

Erk. He can only "finally be gone" once. I would delete the first one. And I don't really understand the "giving in" part. She knew his number by heart... so? Why does she feel driven to text/call him? If you say that, then you can move on to her refusal to give in to that urge.

What confused her was, her ex decided to go home too. He could have gotten a ride with his other friend, but he got in the car with them. Her friend let her drive this time, so she had to drop her ex off. She drove to his street, stopped the car, and told him he could walk. He had gotten an attitude with her in the car and she was done. He got out of the car and walked to his house. She smirked as she watched him go.

Vague, again? Like it seems normal that she would drive to his street and stop the car... why is she suddenly telling him to walk? What exactly has he been doing in the car? What has he been saying? How does that make you feel? Details, specifics, reactions... that's what will make this story real to readers.

Apparently him and this other girl was just a joke to make me jealous, but when it didn't work, he gave up and told my friends. I had my friends back. She was finally done, and she was glad that now he had noticed that she was better. She was happy that he wanted her, and now she could turn him down.

Hehe I see that first person. But when did you find out that the whole thing had been a joke? You're at the mall, and your friend points out that this guy is staring. Suddenly, you have this revelation about your ex, and all of a sudden the world is better. I don't buy it. I think what you're missing here is a climax of a sort. Some specific event that triggers a change, or just some instance when you realize that "hey, I don't care about this guy anymore." Too much of the story is told in a general sort of way; "Then he broke up with me, then he swore at me, then he texted me, then he stared at me." I want to know the gritty details. "His face was livid as he swore at me. 'You're a ________! What the ___ is wrong with you?' I cringed, my chest tight and my throat burning with tears. (Will you cry, or not? Will you stand up for yourself? Walk away?)" Stuff like that. Bring us into the scene and make it real. This is a good piece of work, and your conclusion - that everyone can get over a break up - strikes home with a lot of people. All you need to do is give the story a face.

Thank you! I did not read it before I posted it, because it was just something I do not like re-living. I guess I ended it so abrubtly so I could stop going over and over what happened. I will turn it into a better piece in the future. Again, thank you so much for your advice!