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Dianna McKenna: 2



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Sun Jul 24, 2011 10:20 pm
CharlotteGrace says...



Sonya was right, he was back the next night. He sat in the back this time. I was happy when I found that he hadn’t sat in my section.

Sonya sent me knowing and triumphant smile in my direction every time he came in the bar. I stuck my tongue out at her and her smile just got bigger.

“What’s going on with Sonya smiling so brightly?” asked Josh. I met Josh immediately after I started working at McManus. He’d been really nice to me when I moved. He even asked If I needed help with moving boxes. I of course said it wasn’t necessary. I didn’t mention that there wasn’t any boxes to be moved to him, seeing as it would just bring up questions I just wasn’t quite ready to answer.

“This guy that came in a couple nights ago. She was saying that he would be back and she’s bragging.” I shrugged.

I looked into the corner and found him looking at me. Our eyes made contact for only a second, then I looked away quickly. I could feel the blood rushing to my face. I didn’t know why he was looking at me in particular than Anna, the waitress who was serving him. Anna was one of two other waitresses who worked at McManus. Anna was only a couple years older than me. She had long blond hair and bright blue eyes. She had the perfect body that every guy loves and that every girl envies. The only problem is that she was about as smart as wombat. But its not like men actually paid attention to that snippet of information.

I made my rounds again and put orders into both Josh and Sonya. While I waited for drinks, I allowed myself to look at the man. His hair was in a disheveled state, the brown wisps of hair going everywhere at once. He had sharp features, and a few days’ worth of stubble. He had a sense of pride to the way he sat. He held his head high and stuck his chin out. He might as well have been wearing a name tag saying he was arrogant and thought he was better than everyone around him.

“Dianna?” Josh’s voice brought my attention back to him.

“Yes?”

“Your drinks are ready.” He put them on the tray and I delivered them around with the food. Before I handed drinks to a couple sitting in a booth, I was tapped on the shoulder by someone.

“Yes?” I said as I turned around. My heart raced. I thought it might be the man from the corner. When I turned around I was disappointed. It was only Iris, owner of London’s Best, a boutique on Maine Street.

“Hello, darling.” She kissed me on both cheeks. Iris had grown up in high society England, and had left four years ago on account that her mother didn’t approve of her clothing aspiration.

“One moment, let me just deliver these drinks.” I delivered them quickly and went to Iris, whose was getting a drink from Josh.

“Thank you, dear.” Iris was giving Josh google-y eyes and soon I suspected she would be inviting him to her place.

“Iris, leave the poor boy alone.” I said to her.

“Whatever do you mean?” She winked at me.

“Iris, did you come here to visit me or pick up men half your age?” Iris was beautiful, no doubt. She was only 32 but she looked 22. She had a model body with blond hair cut along her jawline. She towered over everyone else in high heels that were practically glued to her feet 24/7. Iris could have any guy she wanted, but she continued to catch the younger ones.

She made a face. “Can’t I do both?”

I rolled my eyes at her request. “I don’t have much time, all my tables are full.” I took a quick glance around just to make sure nobody needed anything.

“I’m having a party Saturday night and wanted you to come.” She took a sip of her martini.

I narrowed my eyes. Iris was a very high class and her parties were spectacular, but last time she had one she set me up on a horrible blind date. “What kind of party?”

“A nice little cocktail party, that’s all. All you have to do is dress nice and bring a date.” She downed the rest of her drink and signaled Josh to make another. “Which is another reason I’m here. I need a date.” She took a cursory glance around the room.

“Okay while you do that I need to attend to my customers.” I left her in her search and did what I said.
It was only until I cleaned off a table near the back did I notice Iris’ target. “Oh no, no, no.” I took the bucket of dirty dishes to the kitchen and put them by the sink. I saddled up to the bar and watched her carefully. She was putting her charm on him. I couldn’t tell from his face if it was working.

As she was talking to him he leaned forward and glanced my way. As soon as I felt the intensity of his stare, I glanced away. The whole night as I worked I felt it. Iris kept talking to him.

At midnight she left his table and came up to my side. “Look in the back corner.” She whispered.

“I’d really rather not.” I kept my head down as I cleaned the booth the couple sat in.

“Oh really, just look.” I raised my head a fraction of an inch. He was drinking his beer, so I’m pretty sure he didn’t see me.

“What about him?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from gaining an octave.

“That is my date.” I dropped the glass I was holding. It shattered into a million pieces. I muttered a curse and began to pick up the big pieces. Iris was determined to finish our conversation.

“Iris, you invited him to the party? Why? He’s not even your type. He’s older than your usual victims.”

“I know,” She sounded surprised by herself, “but just as cute.” She wrinkled her nose and smiled. “Well, I’ll be off, Remember six o’clock, my place, Saturday.” She blew me a kiss and walked away.

I glared at her back as she sashayed out the door, but not before wiggling her fingers at the man in the corner. How could she just go and invite a complete stranger to a party? Why’d she have to pick him? Why didn’t she just stick to her regular crowd? How come-

“Excuse me, miss.” I looked up to see a man kneeling before me. “you’re bleeding in your hand.” I looked down at my hand and sure enough blood was dripping out of my palm. I hadn’t realized I was holding a vice grip on a shard of glass.

“Damn,” I said as I released the glass. There was a scarlet line and it was pouring out blood. “Damn,” I said again. I looked at the man. “Go get Mason.”
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball
  





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Wed Jul 27, 2011 7:40 pm
MasterGrieves says...



Very good. Although I preferred the first part, I still think this is a good chapter. It still has that idea of feeling like an outsider which I loved about the first chapter, if a little too similar to the first chapter. I think that your structure is a bit too herky-jerky for me, if that makes any sense. I think there are too many spaces between paragraphs. I also think there is a bit too much happening this early on in the novel. Other than that, great job.
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Wed Aug 17, 2011 1:14 pm
McMourning says...



I saw that ending coming, but it made me smile. Isn't that always how life works? Your writing seems very natural.

Two small spelling changes...
I delivered them quickly and went to Iris, who was getting a drink from Josh.

“Thank you, dear.” Iris was giving Josh googly eyes and soon I suspected she would be inviting him to her place.


Your paragraphs are very short, but I don't mind that. I think it works for you.
"One voice can be stronger than a thousand voices, " Captain Kathryn Janeway
  





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Sun Aug 21, 2011 6:38 pm
Priceless says...



Hi there!!
I agree with 567ajt. To me, things are happening just a little too fast. I mean, they might end up talking in the next chapter, right? Then? I don't know, let's just see how it goes, maybe it's just me. I liked this part, it was interesting, and, um, I don't know how to explain it, but you got the atmosphere right. Like the way you wrote Dianna and her friends, it was realistic.
Only thing I didn't like were the grammar mistakes, there were loads of them in this part:

Sonya sent mea knowing and triumphant smile in my direction every time he came in the bar.


Sending her a smile and smiling in her direction have exactly the same meaning; it makes this sentence sound wrong. Choose one of them.

“What’s going on with Sonya smiling so brightly?” asked Josh.


This felt forced, like you're using Josh's dialogue to emphasize Sonya's bright smile. You talked too much about the smile. Maybe change it to something like,

"What's up with that?" asked Josh, jerking his head in Sonya's direction.


Or something. You get what I mean.
I didn’t mention that there wasn’t weren't any boxes to be moved to him, seeing as it would just bring up questions I just wasn’t quite ready to answer.


“This guy that came in a couple nights ago. She was saying that he would be back and she’s bragging.” I shrugged.


You can't shrug words. Put 'I shrugged' before the dialogue.
I made my rounds again and put orders into both Josh and Sonya.


That sounds very weird. Find another way to say what you're trying to say. Josh and Sonya aren't machines that you stick paper in. ;)

His hair was in a disheveled state, thebrown wisps of hair going everywhere at once.


He might as well have been wearing a name tag saying he was arrogant and thought he was better than everyone around him.



Find something else for the name tag to say. Something unique and funny.

Iris had grown up in high society England, and had left four years ago on account of her mother's disapproval of her clothing aspiration.


Iris was a very high class and her parties were spectacular, but last time she had one she set me up on a horrible blind date.


You've already mentioned that Iris is a high class chick, no need to mention it again.
I kept my head down as I cleaned the booth the couple sat in.


Was she cleaning while they were still sitting there?

“you’re bleeding in your hand.”


It should be 'Your hand is bleeding'.

I looked at the man. “Go get Mason.”


Isn't he a customer? She sounds like she's ordering him.

Apart from those, it was pretty good. Mr Man-In-The-Corner is quite mysterious. :) Keep writing!!
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