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Mr. Angel...[Chapter 4] ALIA



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Sat Jul 23, 2011 10:03 am
ChocolateMoonLight says...



“Ugh...my head hurts”, I yelled to the empty house.
“Yeah I know, the state you were in yesterday what did you expect?” came beck a reply. I had no idea who was here, Alex was in Hawaii and Mich wasn’t here either.
“Who is it?” I asked in a scared voice. One thing was sure it was a girl; did I by any chance do it with a girl? I raked my brain for an answer.
“You don’t remember me coming, do you?” replied the voice and I registered the familiar chirpy voice of my best friend.
“Alex? Alex you’re here?” I yelled back.
“Yeah, I got back yesterday,” she replied in her usual happy voice.
I tried to get up from the bed but my head felt like it had a giant stone taped on it and I fell back with my head hitting the edge of the hard-wood bed.
“Ahh....” I shrieked.
“What happened?” Alex asked in a worried voice.
“I hit my head,” I mumbled.
“What?”
“I hit my head!” I yelled in her direction.
“Oh... baby, just lie down I’m bringing your coffee.”
I changed my position till I was comfortable and brought the cover up to my head to shield away from the sunlight.
What had happened yesterday and why was I having a hangover? Alex is here, but she wasn’t going to come until next week. What day is it? I started inquiring myself when Alex pulled away the cover from above my head and helped me sit up properly before handing me a piping hot cup of coffee and a hot compress for my head.
I quietly drank my coffee while Alex kept the compress over my head, looking at me expectantly; probably wanting to know everything that happened yesterday. I had no idea what I was going to tell because I didn’t remember half of it anyway.
I finished my coffee and kept the cup on the side table, and then I shifted the pillow to a more comfortable position behind my head. As I was working on my position, I could see Alex getting impatient with my tardiness.
Finally I spoke, “What day is it?”
“Saturday,” Alex replied impatiently.
“Where’s Mich?”
“At her parents’ house, she’ll be back by noon.” I could see on her face that she wasn’t going to hold much longer but I still wanted my questions to be answered first.
“Who did I come back with yesterday?”
“You don’t remember? Really?” her face reflected the confusion in my mind.
“Who?” I asked again.
“It was some Danny and he was totally gorgeous. How can you not remember him?” She looked at me like I had done something criminal by not remembering this guy. Well, that was Alex.
“Okay so, what do wanna know?”
“Everything!” and that was expected.
“I don’t remember much so...”
“Just spill what you remember, okay?” Alex cut me short with her impatience.
“Wait a minute you weren’t going come until next Friday?” I had forgotten the most important question of all, “You went like just two days ago and now you are back, already?”
“The trip got cancelled,” now it was her turn to mutter.
“Oh Alex I’m so sorry...” I hugged her tightly.
“It’s okay; Dad had some meetings he couldn’t ignore so he went to London and I stayed with Mom yesterday at my parents’ house. I knew you were going to be alone here ’cause Mitch isn’t here either so I came back. I reached around six in the evening but you weren’t here and I thought you would be at the University. I waited for two hours before trying your cell but it was switched off and then you came back around midnight with this Danny guy and you were all drunk. He helped me to take you to your bed and he tucked you in and all. Hey, by-the-way he took your number as well as mine ‘cause he said he wanted to check on you.” She finally finished her recap about yesterday and I stared at her angrily, all sympathy about her cancelled trip flew out the window.
“How could you give an unknown guy mine, as well as your number?!” I glared at her in frustration.
“Well... he was cute and he looked sincere, really.” She added watching me staring at her in annoyance.
“He was cute, really!” I echoed.
“Ok... sorry, you don’t need get all evil on me.” Just as she finished apologizing my phone rang and I had no idea where it was...
“Where’s my phone?” I asked Alex but she had no more knowledge about its whereabouts than I did.
One minute we were staring at each other listening to the phone ring and the next we were tearing the place apart to find it. Finally I found my phone hiding under the mountain of our clothes.
“Hello?” I answered holding my breath.
“Alia?” a male voice responded.
“Keep it on loudspeaker,” Alex hissed.
“Hi Dad.” I replied relieved.
“Yes Dad,” I started replying in my mother tongue as Dad insisted I talked to him in Hindi.
“No Dad, it wasn’t my fault... well not the whole anyway, I know I’ll take care of it. Yes Dad I know I’ll talk to him and yes I’ll be there... Yes Dad I know that... Yeah see you, take care, love you bye,” I kept the cell down and watched Alex’s questioning expression.
“So...” She trailed of.
“Nothing just my father,” I replied in a plain voice.
“Yeah I gathered that, so what about it?”
“He wants to have dinner tomorrow night at seven thirty, you wanna come?”
“Oh, please and... he’s here?” She looked confused.
“You remember I told you about the business trip he was going to take this month,” she nodded as she remembered our conversation a week ago. “Well, he has a meeting here in New York and so he wants lunch tomorrow,” Alex nodded her head in agreement but I could tell her mind was wrapped up in something entirely else.
“Okay, so anyway let us continue our earlier discussion,” She said in a business-like tone.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I replied in a nonchalant tone.
“Yeah, well that’s what you thi-” Alex was interrupted by the shrilling ring of my cell-phone.
“It’s him, it is so him,” Alex started singing around the room.
“Oh, shut up Alex,” I shouted at her as I picked up the phone.
“Yes?”
“Alia?” asked a guy in the most amazing voice.
“Keep it on loudspeaker,” Alex stopped singing and was sitting right beside me, her right ear glued on my phone on my left ear.
“Yeah and who are you?” I asked although maybe inside, I already knew the answer.
“Hi Alia, I’m Danny... Daniel,” he prompted when I didn’t reply.
“Hi Danny, how are you?” I asked as previous night started coming back.
“Well, that should be my question, you feeling well?” he asked in a charming voice.
“Yeah I’m fine, just a bit of a head ache that’s all.”
“Get well soon and have a strong coffee, it’ll help,” this was getting awkward.
“Already did that,” really awkward.
“I had a really great time last night,” he said it a voice that implied like he wanted to do it again.
One second he’s all confused about what to say and the next he’s confessing about how much of a good time he had last night, what was I suppose to say?
“I... um I had a great time too,” I had no idea why was I so nervous.
“So, I... I’ll see you at the University on Monday.”
“Huh?”
“I’m transferred here so I’m attending Columbia too,” he finished.
“Wow!” Alex sighed.
“But the spring break’s going on,” I stated as I shushed Alex with my hand.
“I need to catch up a bit so I’ll be coming,” he explained.
“Oh...so, um yeah I’ll see you there,” why the heck was I stuttering?
“Ok, so see you,” he urged as if he wasn’t sure I wanted to meet him.
“Yeah sure, bye.”
“Bye...” and the cell clicked.

Continued...
Last edited by ChocolateMoonLight on Tue Aug 09, 2011 4:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Sun Jul 24, 2011 1:41 pm
dylanray96 says...



Finish reading Chapter 4!!!! Haha, even though this chapter doesn't have dramas like the 3, I still like~! :D
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Sun Jul 24, 2011 3:23 pm
Lava says...



Hi!

So, I'm a bit iffy on this entire chapter.
On the plus, your dialogue is good and doesn't seem forced. It's realistic.
My main quip is that there isn't much of a plot developer going on. I mean, okay, she's hungover, Danny calls. But what? Why? It isn't too important nor does it have any central point of interest for a reader to want to continue except to find out what happened to her. And for that to happen, you need to build the excitement in your narrative. Show us how she feels, show us her thoughts, her excitement at relazing it was Danny, her reactions to her dad. Is he strict? Why dinner? Have they separated?
And it does nothing to develop the characters either. Speaking of characters, I find Alia's character not-so-solid. I mean, there's some variation between this one and the first chapter. That could be due to the hangover, but I do like the personality of that (Chap 1) Alia.

Good luck and keep me posted on another chapter!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Mon Jul 25, 2011 12:45 am
cookEmonster says...



Alia's character is really complex. Maybe take a little time to explain her more? I have lots of trouble trying to keep up with her personality so much that it takes away from the story at times.
Try taking more time in building up her personality. What type of person is she? Her general pet peeves? Does she have any habits like biting her lip or chewing on her nails? Etc. Things like that will help us understand her some more :)

Other than that, I'll be looking forward to the next chapter!
-CookEmonster
To accept life is to accept the fate it comes with- we were born to die.
So why not make the best of what we've been given with the short time we have on earth?
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