The hanger dug into my hand as I lumbered through the aisles carrying my suit bag. I looked around for an empty row. I didn’t want to sit next to people. Rather, I wanted to be the first into the row. It was always awkward for the next people to come trying to sit and get the awkward hellos and may-I-sit-heres.
Finding a free row in the back half of the plane, I sat there with my eyes closed until a girl came to my row. “May I sit beside you?” Her smile was excellent. Her lips were wonderful. Her eyes shined like… what am I saying. “Yeah, sure.” I said, smiling while patting the seat next to me. “I’m sorry that seems a little weird patting the seat to a stranger.”
Laughing she shrugged it aside, “It actually made me feel at home. My dad always did that when I’d ask to watch TV with him on his bed. Wow that was extremely personal. I don’t know why I said that.”
My heart pained, flashing back to a time when I had last heard that. Scars never heal. Shrugging it off, I put on a nice façade and smiled at her. “Well anything to make a girl feel safe.”
She seemed surprised by my response. Tilting her head and bending one knee in a little “small-town-girlish” way she said, “Aw, that’s sweet. I’m Jackie.”
Reaching out my hand, “I’m Tomas. Nice to meet you.” She shook it. Her hands were nice and warm. Even more awkwardly described as comfortable.
“You too, Tomas.” She put her pink bag into the overhead bin and sat down beside me. Looking around, there were many seats left. She chose to sit next to me. Maybe I have a chance with this girl? Four hours to make it or break it.
Fifteen minutes later, after our initial conversation had died, a large man wobbled through the seats toward the back of the plane. Craning my neck and seeing the only open seat was next to us, I motioned to Jackie. “He is going to sit there.” Gesturing to the seat beside her I said, “Ill take the bullet. Take my seat.”
She mouthed a long “Thank You” and we swapped. A moment later, the large man asked, “hey buddy, can I sit here?” His Brooklyn accent said so much about him.
“Absolutely. The name’s Tomas.” We shook hands. “Friends call me Rich.” He sunk into his seat heavily, only pausing from his slumber to use the restroom mid-flight.
I don’t mind people touching me. However, this man was more like sitting on top of me. I would never make fun of a person for their weight but this was getting ridiculously uncomfortable. I put my legs as close together as I could, barely fitting within the confines of my seat, despite Rich’s lack of attention towards the boundary rules of etiquette.
“Here, Tom.” Jackie said. She pushed her carry-on underneath the seat in front of her, lifted up the armrest in between us, and pulled my legs over closer to her. To my delight, we were practically snuggling now. “That better?” Jackie asked.
“Loads.” I said, smiling. Our faces weren’t far apart. If she had been my girlfriend at the time I would have kissed her, it being an opportune moment.
She reached up and grabbed the air conditioning and turned it down a notch. “It’s pretty chilly in here. Would you like to share a blanket with me?” She looked around for the stewardess, thinking of buying one on the plane.
“I would love to. In fact, . . .” I reached down into my bag and pulled out a dark blue fleece blanket. “Softer than a cloud my sister said.”
“I can’t quite put my finger on you, Tomas. You’re very… unique.” She squinted her eyes in a playful way; not to detective-like, but I’d play along.
“Is that a good thing? I can’t tell with the whole Sherlock Holmes thing you got going on there.” I laughed and gestured toward her interrogative expression.
“Well, I like you Tomas. You’re so comfortable to be around. One of the first things I said to you was a personal story. That’s never happened to me before. I’ve always been so locked down, . . . but not with you.” She laid her head on my shoulder and snuggled up. She fell asleep for about an hour, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
***
The last time a woman told me she was so comfortable around me, it ended in disaster. Granted it took a year and a half to get to that point, but comfy does not get a girlfriend. Comfy becomes a boy toy, a best friend that learns all the secrets but never gets what he wants. He will suffer for months at a time with out speaking up. He will watch chick flicks, paint nails, talk about other boys with her but will never be in consideration for boy friend material… Or worse, maybe that was just my experience.
Maybe other boys out there are good looking enough to never have that problem. Maybe I am not attractive to any woman out there and maybe I can only get as far as being a best friend and I should never have opened my fat trap and ruined everything in a single sentence… A sentence that goes a little like, “But I do like you.”
Then the girl will leave. She will be crying because you lied to her for months while her family and her friends told her that you had feelings for her and when she confronted you, you said you did not because that is the answer she wanted to here. That is the answer that she needed. Since you are always morphing into the person or thing that she needs, you turn right back into the best friend until one day the pain is too much. One day you decide to stand up for yourself and tell her that you love her.
And since you had been there through multiple boy friends breaking her heart you think that she will stay with you. And since you had been there through all the secrets, through all the misdeeds, through every pain, tear or dilemma you think that she would never break your heart.
And then she turns around and walks away.
And you are left standing there in the hallway, a few tears staining your cheeks. But maybe, that was just my experience. Maybe some lucky bastard is telling a girl right now that he loves her and she hugs him and they kiss for the first time and they grow up and get married.
But for those of us who get our hearts broken after leaving ourselves vulnerable because you convinced yourself that the girl may just maybe loves you back, I know your pain. Unrequited love is the snake that is freezing to death and begs you to help it up the hill into sunlight. As soon as you pick it up, it bites you saying, “You knew I’d bite you, so why’d you do it?” It’s because you are the better person. It is because you desire to help. It is because you cannot take seeing people you care about suffer and cry, especially if you’re to blame for those precious tears.
One day you’ll hit a wall. One day that girl or boy you long for will do something that will hurt you so badly that you must speak up. My experience was at a birthday party. This young lady asked me to drive, she being a terrible driver (even though when asked or accused by others of being bad, I’d defend her at the time) I politely drove us. On our way, she turns to me and says, “Hey, so I’m going to say you’re my cousin okay?” She had been getting asked at school if we were dating because we were always together. I quickly said, “No! absolutely not. That’s not okay.” It hurt me a lot.
Think about the woman you think you love telling you she’s going to tell people you’re her cousin because she doesn’t want them thinking that she’d date a guy who looks like you. That’s what she said to me later as the reason. I thought the deal was settled.
We walked into the bowling alley and met the party attendees, we were late and weren’t staying long. She goes up to her friend, who I’ve never met and says, “This is Tomas, my cousin…” I just looked at her in awe. I remember thinking to myself, “Does she really care this little about me or my feelings that she’d be that selfish?” Of course the answer to that was a resounding yes. That is probably when I began to wake up.
What hurts the most is that I had invested so many secrets, so much time, so much money on such a waste of a person. She was bitter, manipulative, and angry. Every time she came through for me I was surprised and wanted to jump right back on her band wagon. Every time she hurt me or did something mean, I ignored it, made excuses for her, or decided it must have been my fault and then punished myself for it.
This was the first girl I ever tried getting.
The first time we hung out alone, I invited her over to watch movies. I had on nice, dark jeans, a black sweater and a white collared shirt underneath. I had NEVER dressed up for anything (other than weekly church) let alone for a girl. She came in and said, “Tomas you look hot! Why don’t you wear anything like this to school!” That may have started it all.
Over the next year and a half we were inseparable. Guys made fun of me for how dedicated I was to her. Her family suspected everything, but I didn’t care. I cared enough for this girl to take all the punishment I had to; little did I know that the worst punishment would be from me. Here I am, nine years later, on a plane with a beautiful woman sleeping on my arm, and all I can think about is that girl.
Scars never heal.
***
The plane bounced along over the turbulence. The rocking side-to-side and sudden jerking motions sent people, luggage and beverages bouncing all over. Jackie’s coke blundered its way onto my lap, jarring me from my bitter thoughts.
“Oh no I’m so sorry, Tomas." She said ringing her call button to get napkins.
"Don't fret Jax. It's not a big deal." I realized what I said too late.
"Jax?" She paused. "My brother called me Jax."
"I-I-I'm sorry Jackie, I didn't mean to call you that. I knew a Jackie, and I always called her Jax. It slipped." I was stammering. It's a rare moment for me but when it happens, you can be sure it is for a reason.
"No, Tom you misunderstand. Reminding me of my brother is a wonderful thing. Not something I take lightly either." She looked down at her hands and rubbed her jeans, a little awkwardly. She was starting to get emotional.
"Jackie, I. . ." I started, trying to cover up my fault.
"You rang miss?" The steward came to our row with his large cart. "Sir did you hurt this woman?" He asked, seeing her trying to hide her tears.
"No no no, sir. Do you have napkins? I spilled my drink on his lap, or rather the plane did." Jackie came to the rescue.
"I'm sorry sir. It had just looked bad. Forgive me." His thick German accent made him sound much more apologetic than he was.
"Of course. No harm done." I smiled at him as he scooted his cart back to the rear of the plane.
(rest later, I'm too tired)
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