Young Writers Society

PROLOG 0.2: TROUBLED SAGE

My life was pretty simple before I met Sage. It was alcohol, parties, studies in the middle of the night and no sleep. I had no idea my world would turn upside down at that Christmas party. It was a really lame party, just snobs and football players with their stupid girlfriends… And I didn’t really fit in anywhere. I and Jervis Peck spend most of the time smoking pot in Marcus bedroom. Jervis was my closest friend, even though we weren’t that close to be honest. I didn’t have a lot of friends, just people I got high with. Jervis on the other hand loved me. He had the biggest crush on me since we were kids but I acted like I didn’t cared.

When I didn’t get high in the bathroom I sat in a big couch in the living room. I spend my time looking at the snobbish people having fun, dancing, drinking eggnog and living life to the fullest. I hated them all. And now you might be wondering what the hell I even did at that place if I hated them so much. Well it’s quite simple. I wanted Christmas to feel special, like it was something worth celebrating. In my house Christmas was just another excuse to get drunk and listen to Poison. Since my dad left the family my mum hasn’t felt like celebrating anything really. And even though my beautiful and wonderful grandmother tried to make it special, she failed every time. I loved my grandmother more than anything before I met Sage. She was the best.

After I had been sitting in that couch for way too long, listening to the bad Pop music the radio pumped out, I got bored. I said something about needing to get some air to Jervis who sat next to me in the couch. I moved through the big living room to the entrance hall. Through some small windows next to the front door I could clearly see snow falling down from the sky, so I turned around to the pile of jackets hanging on the wall and grabbed the closest. It was really big, and I almost felt like I drowned a bit in it. But it was okay, I would be quick out there.

I opened the door and took a big breath of the cold, fresh air outside. I loved snow for some reason. It made everything so white and pure. I walked down the stairs outside the door and stopped. Then I grabbed the packet of cigarettes I had in the pocket of my loose red dress. It used to be my mother’s dress, way back when she was happy. I put one of the cigarettes in the middle of my lips and lit it whit the neon pink lighter I had hidden in the packet. I blew a cloud of cigarette smoke in front of me and looked straight out in the open air. Everything was so dark outside.

I turned around to see if Jarvis was coming after me, but I guess he was too high to even move. I took another puff from the cigarette and then, all the sudden I heard something. First I thought it was coming from inside the house, but then I looked up and I think saw something, or someone, on the roof. I couldn’t move because I was so scared, like I thought it was some monster or ghost up there. Then I slowly started to see the contour of a human body and I got even more scared. But then, all of a sudden, the contour started moving back and I couldn’t see it anymore. I stood there for a while, just staring up at the roof of the house. The cigarette had come down to the end and burned my finger, which made me wake up from my thoughts and I hurried back inside to get Jarvis. We needed to get out of here, it was way too scary.

I threw the jacket of my body and rushed into the living room, but Jarvis where nowhere to find. I continued to the stairs which led up to the level where the bathroom where and just as I turned the corner I ran in straight into a very wet, muscular torso. Because I weight like a feather I fell to the floor, straight on my ass. So there I was. On the floor, staring surprised at the legs which belonged to the torso I just ran into. Because of the pot I couldn’t really react at once, so I didn't look up before I heard a rasp, dark voice saying; “Are you okay?”

That’s when I met Sage.

Happy Review Day! Cue the streamers and balloons!

Yes, you're my fourth review for tonight. It's pretty sad considering that the counter for Review day is ticking quickly away, and Sunday has almost compeltely vanished. It makes it even worse that I've only managed to do four reviews, though I like to think that they're helpful. I hope!

So, I'm going to start off by saying what I liked. You have a very interesting writing style and vocab choice. Instantly when I started reading I knew you were an older writer because though your work serves to all ages, it felt as if you had an air of experience around you. As if you're not new to the writing business. It was actually interesting to read on because instead of really focussing on the story line, I was too busy develling into how well you write. I can't state enough just how much I love your writing style! It's brilliant, and different. Something new to YWS.

Well, now that I've gotten that off my chest I'll continue.

Now even though I missed out the 0.1 in this chapter there should still be some notification what the MC's gender is, and for that matter what their name is. That is really what troubled me with this chapter. I couldn't really imagine every detail using my imagination because I was to caught up trying to work out if this person was a chick or a dude. I can't stress this enough how important it is. If you want readers to connect with your characters and fully understand the plot, you have to have a bridge connecting them to your story. Think of this: there is a bridge leading from one bed of land to another. The only way to get to the greener pastures is to cross over the bridge, though, if that was to dissapear then how would you be able to get to the other side?

Do you see what I am saying? In that sense, your characters are the bridge in this story. They are the gateway to your readers understanding the plot. If you were to lose your characters then you lose your chance of ever explaining to the reader, or even yourself, about what is happening in the novel. This theory also splits in two ways though. If you have characters that lack information such as your MC, there is no bridge and therefore you readers can only stare at the greener pastures and guess what it's like on the other side.

Which is what I am doing with your story. I am standing on one area of land with only a figment of an idea as to what will happen with your story. It's a romance, I saw that from the genre written above, though from reading just this I wouldn't have gotten that. I still am not sure whether Sage is a girl or a boy either. Yes it is a girl's name, though for all I know Sage can be a flying pink elephant with horns! In the first part of the story there should definitely be some reference as to what the rest of the story is about. It lets the readers have an inkling as to what is to come. I know that there is something important about Sage and the MC though that's it. Oh, and someone is crushing on the MC which might be a clue to a possible love triangle. I don't know, you have to explain more.

You see, I am asking way to many questions then necessary. It is good to have some mystery though too much just throws readers off. I don't want to seem harsh but I must put this forward! You should go over this again, for sure! Maybe I am just missing everything because I started at Prologue 0.2 but either way I should still have a vague idea what the gender of Sage and the MC are. It really is just one small problem that will only take ten minute alteration (though I do suggest you do ponder over this for more then that time), but it should be seen to. Side, you're a talented writer and I don't want to you to take this as critism. It's just some helpful tips; it's really for you to decide if you take them or not. Like I said before you have a spectacular writing style that drew me in from the start and kept me hanging on till the end. You have loads of potentials and that's why I can't wait to see more of this.

-Good luck!

Hey there! So YWS recommended I come review this, and here I am. ^^ I'm Octave, and here's to hoping I'll be helpful to you tonight.

So you've got a pretty troubled protagonist there, and that means one thing - voice. Troubled protagonists packaged with their own dose of bitterness, a jaded set of shades, and either a broken or rebellious devil-may-care attitude. Usually, anyway. From what I see here, your protagonist comes with all the spices that should give her a unique voice strong enough to carry the narrative, but there's a problem. I don't see that voice anywhere.

This is first person. First person means everything is in your character's point of view. It means I, the reader, must hear, feel, see, think, understand the narrator. Everything the main character knows I know, everything she thinks must seep into my own thoughts, and her emotions must bleed into mine. Her motivations are to be made clear to me, unless she happens to be an unreliable narrator, which is a whole different story. I can't tell if your narrator is unreliable just yet, since the way you told me she behaves betrays the idea that she might be, but I don't think you really even conceived of the idea of making her unreliable so I'm leaning toward a no, she's not unreliable.

So tell me, why in the world does she seem to be feeding me a laundry list she read off a piece of paper? ^^"

If you can give your character thoughts, motivations, and emotions - depth - and make her seem real, sound real, then you'll have voice and a good first person narrative. These two go hand-in-hand. Voice makes a first-person narrative strong, and without it, it won't really feel like a first-person narrative. What's voice, you ask?

It's everything I mentioned in the paragraph about first person and more. Voice is that unique bang in a character that makes you, the author, say, "You should be the point of view character." Voice is what sets this character apart from every other character. Now, you'll think that every character is different, and while this is true, not every character has a voice that can carry a story, much less an entire novel.

Let's think of fit this way. Your novel's set in a world, right? Imagine our reality as a novel on a monstrous scale, and think of yourself as the writer. You can see everything going on here - and you can pick anyone you want. In a novel, every single character has his or her own motivations, his or her own story to tell - just like in this world. Every story will be different, unique, and remarkable in its own way. Each one is worth telling, but wait. You can only pick one story to write. Whose story are you going to write? Are you going to pick the guy down the street who mumbles everything he says in this monotone voice, or the that quirky kid down the corner who has a propensity for wearing the most outlandish hats and enjoys asking his imaginary friend strange philosophical questions?

The second, likely, is going to be a more enjoyable person to spend time with. Why? It's because he has a voice so endearingly unique we can't help but remember him. It's not as if he has a better story, not necessarily - but he sounds different, so we're interested in him and how he ticks. Similarly, your main character must be that person. Not necessarily different in the same way, but she must be different enough that we don't read the narrative and think, "Oh, it's just another troubled chick. Seen this before. Eh."

Bring me something new to the table, Side. I know you can do it. Listen to your character hard enough, because right now I can tell you can see her clear as day, but she's not doing the talking yet. If you can't get her to talk in her natural voice, then perhaps it's wiser to go with third person. Not a lot of characters can pull off first person, so make sure her voice truly is something else before you hit us with her.

Now, another thing to note is that you tell a lot. This is a major no-no in writing. Telling is not bad, per se, because a story full of showing will also result in purple prose. But the key is to strike a balance between telling and showing. However, I know you understand it somewhat (you probably read about showing and telling somewhere because I can see where you tried to show), but someone didn't explain it well enough.

She hated me.

That's telling.

She never looked at me, but when she happened to glance my way, her lips would thin and she'd stiffen, ever so slightly, before glossing over me.

The second shows. Granted, it may not be the best example because I came up with it on the spur of the moment, but the point is that the second betrays hate without stating it outright. It's more powerful because we can see more dynamics in it as opposed to the first example, which tells. Similarly, it allows the reader to make inferences, which is always good. The reader doesn't want to be spoonfed, but to be allowed some room for thought.

Let's take an example from your story this time.

My life was pretty simple before I met Sage. It was alcohol, parties, studies in the middle of the night and no sleep.

This is showing, sort of, but it's really telling disguised as showing. This is you trying to show me your protagonist is a bad girl. This is me telling you that you're actually telling me that, because you just told me a bunch of things you know would describe your protagonist as a bad girl. ^^" You didn't show me that she drank alcohol, went to parties, and studying in the middle of the night. Sure, you start with a party, but she doesn't seem as if she belongs there. Make the reader see she's used to parties, that she's accustomed to alcohol and revels in the smell of it, and how recreational drugs are but cheap thrills for her.

Show me all these, and don't infodump it. Guide me through her thoughts as the party progresses. Maybe go with, "These dumb jocks are always finishing all the beer. Bastards." Or you could try, "They cranked up the music as loud as they could, but nothing could save a tame party." Something. Anything. Give me something to latch on to, something that'll make me realize she's used to these things, and that she's not a good girl.

That aside, I'm going to explain what a laundry-list is. A laundry list is when a story goes like this:

He did that. She did this. He did that, and then he went and did something else.

You don't want your story to end up like that. Pepper description and thoughts into your narrative, and add a bit of sentence variety. It'll improve the quality of your story by a hundredfold. The same sentence patterns tend to get a bit repetitive, so shake it up a little.

Your character is also the cookie-cutter bad girl. Try to make her a little different, and show us a little more insight. Every bad girl is different, and each one has her own peculiarities. Make it evident your protagonist is not like every other one I read. Give her more depth, and the reader is more likely to stick around. Depth would also work on giving the story a better voice. Plus, you need to give her depth to avoid the risk of alienating the reader. I was a little put-off by the fact that she seemed so cruel to Jervis for no apparent reason. Give me reasons, but I think it'd do to tackle that later. As of the moment, I don't need to know Jervis likes her. Show me throughout the novel, and then allow me to see her reasons for ignoring him.

Plus, I know this is a romance, and the title makes it obvious who she ends up with, but I'm not a big fan of how they meet. It's a little too trite for my taste, and way too obvious. A little subtlety goes a long way.

Lastly, your grammar is wonky. You have tense shifts throughout the piece, and your apostrophes are all over the place. Here's an article on apostrophes.

Apostrophes, by ProfessorRabbit

Check out that area of YWS. ^^ It has plenty of helpful grammar tips. Check out articles on fragments and such, as you have quite a number of them as well. Sometimes, fragments are okay for stylistic purposes, but here it's kind of obvious you didn't mean to make them fragments, and they don't flow all that well. ^^"

That reminds me. I forgot to mention flow in this piece. You have quite a number of stilted sentences and such. What are stilted sentences? They're sentences that make the reader stumble when the reader goes through your piece. It makes them stop and pause as they try to piece the sentence together. You want your writing to flow smoothly so the reader can get through the story uninterrupted. Think of your story as a road. You don't want it bumpy and full of potholes, but smooth, like it's freshly paved. If you do revise this prologue, then I suggest you read it out loud after your rewrite. If a sentence makes you stumble, it's going to make the reader stumble too, so revise it and reword it until it sounds right and rolls off your tongue. Good flow is essential for prose, as it helps the reader submerge herself in the story without getting thrown off-course by an erratic sentence pattern. ^^ Your goal is to make the reader forget she's living on earth, and make her think she's part of the story. Don't your own words get in the way.

So, I hope you'll find this helpful! Please PM me if you have any questions, or if you ever need anything. ^^ Your main character reminds me much of my one of my own, Emmanuelle, and so I have a soft spot for your main character. It's difficult to really connect with these kinds of bad girls and to make them real, but if you rewrite this you can count on me to review on the second one, if you'd like me to. ^^ Just send me a message~

Sincerely,

Octave