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Camilla Snow White



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Sun Apr 24, 2011 4:37 am
Mickixoxo says...



As the air of the afternoon dropped in temperature, a girl stood at the corner of the sidewalk. A school stood behind her and the few students still remaining were walking out of the doors. The school had let out roughly around twenty minutes ago and the girl was supposed to be picked up by her sister, Skyler. Her sister had a piano lesson and had to leave the school a tad early that day, she had said that she was going to be late but she hadn’t mentioned anything about being almost a half an hour late. The girl sighed and looked down at her yellow knee socks and short blue dress. Granted, the dress had long sleeves and it was made for winter, but she had forgotten her coat in her locker and wasn’t relatively warm in the cool New York air.

Up-State, not the city.

A silver car slid up in front of the girl and she sighed. “Finally,” she mumbled to herself. She climbed into the car and pulled her legs up to her chest. “I officially hate you,” she grumbled jokingly as she wrapped her arms around her knees.

“Well maybe if you wore something appropriate for winter and not a dress and pink ballet flats with little bows on them then you wouldn’t be so cold, Ca-mil-la,” Skyler smiled at her sister as she drove away from the school.

“For your information, I’m also wearing knee socks and the dress has long sleeves… and it’s more like a jumper anyway! It’s thicker than a regular dress, plus it looks cute.... And I had a coat!” Camilla exclaimed, trying to explain her logic.

“Oh? And where would that be?”

“My locker,” she mumbled and Skyler smirked. She sighed and straightened out her navy blue dress. The dress went down to mid-thigh and below that her legs were covered in a thick yellow fabric. Her dress had red lines down the side and her brown locks cascaded down her back. One piece of her hair was black, the part that almost covered her eyes. Her skin was pale – fitting for the town that was always snowing or raining or cloudy – and her feet were covered with baby pink ballet flats, adorned with small pink bows on the side. “At least I look cute,” she mumbled and her sister giggled.

The small car started to slow and Skyler pulled over to the side of the road. “Freaking car!” she grumbled to herself. Shoving the key into the ignition, Skyler tried to start the car again. And again.

And again.

“That’s it! Screw this! We’re walking!”

Skyler was not a patient person.

They both grumbled and got out of the car. Skyler huffed and stomped away from the useless piece of metal placed at the side of the road. Her sister laughed quietly and watched her stomp away like the girls do only in the movies. “Wow,” she mumbled as she followed the fed up girl, who was now quite far ahead of her. She had no idea why the elder didn’t just go up to one of the houses lined against the road - like the lines the suspects stand in while the eye-witness is choosing the culprit. Skyler didn’t exactly like to seem as if she depended on others, though. So here they walked, in the freezing cold.

Black ice was scattered alongside the road of the sidewalk-less street. She wasn’t paying attention and her little pink-and-white shoe slid right across a patch of the invisible-devil. She screamed as her butt hit the road. Footsteps were heard walking toward her as she attempted to get up, wobbling from the pain in her back-side.

“Are you okay?”

She looked up at a boy with dark blonde hair that was partially covering his bright green eyes. The boy was wearing a pair of glasses that made him look smarter but still cute.

“Uh… yeah, I think so,” she smiled and took the boy’s hand and stood up. “Thanks,” she mumbled.

“Hi, my name is Derek,” the boy said as he shook her hand.

“Hi, I’m Camilla,” she smiled. “Thanks for helping me. My sister’s car stopped working,” Camilla pointed to the car a few meters away.

Derek smiled and shrugged. “No problem, this is my house,” he pointed to a house across the street, “and I was just getting back from the store. We just moved in.”

“Oh. That’s cool. Well I have to go catch up to my sister. I hope you like it here!” she smiled as she turned and walked away. Skyler was waiting for her around the block.

“Well if someone doesn’t take their time!” she gasped.

“I fell!”

“Why’d you fall?”

“Like I did it on purpose!” Camilla sighed in exasperation as she threw her hands into the air. Her sister sighed and they both continued on without another word. They arrived at a small bakery that had a second story for their home. Their mother was great at baking pies and cakes and had taught them when they were small. The door to the bakery jingled the bell above, signaling their arrival. A few customers were seated and reading the newspaper or typing away on laptops while they ate.

Their mother appeared from behind a door leading to the kitchen. “Oh, hello dears, could you help me please?” They both placed their bags behind the counter and took a couple plates of pastries.

The bell rang as a couple more customers entered the bakery. “Oh I’ll get that!” Camilla said cheerily as she placed the tray on the table it was ordered from.

“Hello, my name is Camilla and I will be your server today. What can I get you?” she smiled at two boys who were a little older than she was. They looked like twins and were quite handsome.

“Well, we just got here and we heard that this was a good place to get… well anything really,” one of them said. He looked taller and less energetic than the other one. “I’m Sam.” He held out his hand.

“Steven,” the other said, also holding his out as well. She smiled and shook both of their hands. “And I would like a cheese danish, please.”

“And for you?” she asked Sam as she wrote the first order down.

“A burger please,” he smiled and looked at his brother in a jokingly mocking sort of way.

“Coming right up.” Camilla smiled and walked over to the counter. “Danish and a burger!” she shouted into the kitchen as she clipped the order onto the line in front of the kitchen window. She sat at one of the stools at the bar and took out her homework.

By the time the “Order’s up!” was shouted out of the kitchen window she was almost half way through. She grabbed the plates of food and walked over to the corner with the two boys.

“Tada!” she smiled as she set the food on the table, “We always love when new people come in, so please, give us your input. We really enjoy what people think of our food.”

“Cool!” Steve said, “Will do.” She smiled and walked back to her homework.

***
“Hey! Omigosh, did you hear?” her best friend screeched from the other end of the phone. Camilla was now sitting on her bed watching television and typing away on her laptop.

“What?”

“There are new students coming tomorrow!” Camilla's friend Cally was very excited about anything that might have a chance to do with boys.

“Really? I met three new people today, maybe that was them,” she smiled as she heard her friend gasp. She was very melodramatic.

“Omigosh! Were they cute? Were they guys? What color hair? How did you meat them? ANSWER ME! THIS IS LIFE OR SINGLE!” Camilla started to laugh.

“Yeah, I guess they were pretty cute. One of them was our age and the other two were maybe a year older.”

“Awe... I wish I had your life,” her friend sighed through the phone.

“Why? It's not like I'm dating them,” she laughed.

“You never know,” her friend sang before hanging up.

Camilla rolled her eyes and set down her phone. Her door creaked open and a small orange kitten jumped onto her bed. “Hey there, Sohma! Where have you been all night?” she said as she picked the cat up and placed him on her chest. “Do you think Cally is as weird as I do?” she asked, referring to her friend that just hung up. Camilla was an average student in high school, not popular but not a nerd either. She had many friends but she only cared about two of them, Cally and Kaien. It was somewhat strange considering the fact that the three of their names all started with a “Kuh” sound. But her cat just sat there and cocked his head.

“You can't understand a word I'm saying, can you?”

“You know, they say talking to animals is the first sign of insanity.” Camilla turned her head to find Skyler standing in her doorway.

“What are you doing here?”

“Borrowing something,” she said before walking out of the room with an unknown item in her hand.

“... When did she take something?” Camilla mumbled quietly while petting Sohma's head. “People I'm associated with are really weird....”

The next day, the whole school was talking about the new students.

“I heard, that they are extremely cute!”

“No way! I heard that there are seven of them!! Seven!”

“Wow! And most of them are in this school, too!!”

The school was very annoying when it came to gossiping. It was still only first period too! Kaien was in Camilla's next period class, which was English. It was a quiet class, usually all they did was read and then answer questions about what they'd just read. Now and then were the occasional essays and short stories too.

“Look who finally decided to grace us with her presence!” Kaien said as Camilla walked into class.

“Oh shut it, the bell rang like two seconds ago.”

“Ah, whatever,” he said and smiled.

“I heard one of the new kids is in our class,” she said and sat down next to him.

“Oh no! You've gone over to the dark side! Someone! Help! This is serious!” Kaien whisper-shouted as the morning announcements came on.

“Oh shush, you moron. Well... whoever they are, they're pretty late for a new kid.”

“Omigawd, like, maybe they were like, so hawt that they were just like, totally attacked in the hall by oodles of fans!” He mocked.

Camilla rolled her eyes and placed her head on her hand. “Whatever. If anything, this guy is just a stubborn ass.”
The class silenced as the teacher walked into the room. “Settle down class. The bell has rung and therefore class has started. Now be quiet and get into your seats.”

The seats in the class room were arranged into groups of three. Mr. Schneider believed that small groups helped in discussions, to “stimulate the brain muscles among friends” as he put it. The reading system in the high school was pretty simple when put into Camilla's Freshman English teacher's words. As Mr. Nikolini would say, “In ninth grade, the short stories and novel excerpts we read all have happy endings; the protagonist always wins, learns something, and you never hear from them again (whether that was a good or bad thing she wasn't quite sure). In tenth grade, everyone dies; the end. In eleventh, it's mostly just essays and persuasive debates. And in twelfth, it's all political.” (He was absolutely correct, by the way).

Suddenly the door opened casually, as if the person behind it wasn't almost fifteen minutes late for class. A torrent of whispers poured through the classroom as the handsome man stood in the doorway. He looked similar to the three that Camilla met yesterday, but this fourth sibling seemed a lot more... grumpy that the others.

Mr. Schneider looked up from the board. “Ah, Mr....” he trailed off as he looked for the new name on a sheet of paper, “Gavin Hunter. You are late, but since you are new I will let you off with a warning for now. Have a seat,” he mumbled as he pointed to the empty third desk at Camilla and Kaien's group.

The new kid nodded and walked over to the conjoined desk. He set his backpack on the floor and leaned back in his chair casually. His perfectly blond, wavy hair and blue eyes made him look like the typical California poster boy, and the way he was scoping the room for girls made him seem like the biggest player known to man.

She forced a smile. “Hi! I'm Camilla,” she said as cheerily as possible. Gavin just looked her up and down, lingering a little too long on her chest before making it back to her face. She scowled at him. Just because he was cute doesn't mean that he was going to be treated specially in her book, but Camilla could already tell by the way the other girls in the class were ogling at him that he would definitely get some special attention in other peoples books.

I can already tell this guy is going to be a handful, Camilla thought sourly. She would just have to deal with his player-esque antics for now. Soon, they would get a seating change and she won't have to pay any attention to him at all.... Hopefully.
If there's a 50/50 chance of getting something wrong go for it anyway because there is also a 50/50 chance of getting it right

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. ~Edgar Allen Poe
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 3:37 pm
Teardrop says...



Hey, I'm Teardrop and I'll be reviewing this today. First of all, I thought this was interesting, and a good start to a novel.

Mickixoxo wrote:As the air of the afternoon dropped in temperature, a girl stood at the corner of the sidewalk.
I thought the opening sentence could have been a little more interesting, so that the reader really wants to read more.

Mickixoxo wrote:The boy was wearing a pair of glasses that made him look smarter but still cute.
In my opinion, I thought this could have been reworded but that's just what I think.

I thought the pronouns were overused, like "she" They kind of made it a bit difficult to tell what was going on, but it wasn't that big of a problem. I also found some run-on sentences that I think could have been spread apart.

Anyway, I thought this was a good start, keep writing!

~Tear
And are the doctors dancing in, while the ambulances sing. Another boy without a sharper knife. The moment, that's where I kill the conversation, wrap this up with a knife that loves to feel. How do you know how deep to go before it's real?
- Yeah Boy And Doll Face ~ Pierce The Veil
  





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Sun May 01, 2011 8:33 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Hello hi!

*whoot* Fairy-tale retellings! Only like one of my most favorite things ever!

I liked this so far. Not much has happened, but I'm willing to ride it out and see where it goes. The premise has hooked me.

However, the premise won't keep a reader hooked for forever. We need characters to make us care enough to keep reading. This is still early, but I'm not feeling much for your characters. They just sort of seem to be there, saying a few lines and then going away. The one I feel like I've gotten to know the most is Skyler because of her temper and sisterly antics. I like her. But she isn't the main character. We need to get a little more of a feel for Camilla. Right now, she feels sort of flat. I can't really tell anyone else apart because they haven't done much. Maybe the friend obsessed with boys, but that isn't enough to make an interesting character. That's just sort of a label.

It's not hopeless. Just get us a little more into the character's heads. Show them doing stuff with each other beyond exchanging pleasantries. Let us care about them so we keep reading!

I did have one weirdly nitpicky question: if the school was close enough that the sisters could walk home after the car broke down after only a few minutes and Camilla had been waiting for so long a time, why didn't she just walk home on her own? It sort of makes the car ride seem pointless.

Good luck! Feel free to PM if you have any questions.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 4:22 am
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Tatra says...



A very interesting start. I like the idea of a modern Snow White and I'm interested in seeing how you connect Camilla to the story of Snow White. I also think that Camilla is a fairly interesting character herself.

Honestly, I thought the beginning was okay. It didn't exactly have a huge pop, but then I think it kind of fits the slice of life feeling that you have going on in the story. Of course, I'm not sure if the slowness will continue through the novel. But I think that you can only really contemplate the beginning after you've written a decent amount of the rest of the story. In fact, it might even be best to wait until the end, so that you can see how much of a difference there is between the beginning and the end of the novel. :)

Up-State, not the city.

You might want to add more an explanation to this. As it is, for one it kind of fragmented all on its lonesome. Two, not everyone will know exactly what you are talking about. I live close enough to New York to get your meaning, but what about people in California or the UK? Something to think about, although I do like how it made her voice come to life.

“For your information, I’m also wearing knee socks and the dress has long sleeves… and it’s more like a jumper anyway! It’s thicker than a regular dress, plus it looks cute.... And I had a coat!”

A nitpick, but there's a bit of an inconsistency here between the two 'and's. It would look better if you had them both either capitalized or non capitalized.

Skyler was not a patient person.

Personal comment, really, but it felt like this was a sudden passive voice for the story. It just kind of feels tell-y when you've already set it up to show that she's an impatient person. Maybe if you have it as Camila's thoughts or something like that?

Skyler didn’t exactly like to seem as if she depended on others, though.

Something about those combination of words irked me. They just made me trip while reading this, so you might want to glance it over and see if it needs clarification.

She wasn’t paying attention and her little pink-and-white shoe slid right across a patch of the invisible-devil.

A very interesting choice of words. I kind of like it, since we get to hear your voice, because I would call it 'black ice.' I find people fascinating, so your choice in words is interesting. It is something to think about, though.

Camilla was now sitting on her bed watching television and typing away on her laptop.

Another nitpick, really, but the 'now' just makes it seem more like you're telling about a tv show or something like that. I'm just not sure it totally fits, but it could be just me.

Awe... I wish I had your life,” her friend sighed through the phone.

Maybe another nitpick, but I think of the word awe meaning 'full of reverence' rather than a sound of disappointment. Of course, that is mostly because I am used to using 'aw' for that meaning.

So, I didn't really find anything wrong with the rest of the story, but I think that the ending of the chapter was a bit weak. I think that you might be better off ending the chapter with
“Wow! And most of them are in this school, too!!”
and starting the second chapter with the other scene. It just kind of feels to me like having the flurry of gossip being the ending of the chapter is stronger than continuing on until she dismisses the other guy in the middle of class. But then, that's just my opinion.

All in all, I think that this is a very interesting start to a story. I honestly did enjoy this story and I'm looking forward to where you go next. Most of my comments were really nitpicks and opinions, so it's up to you to decide which ones to take and which ones to leave. I liked the characters, though I'm looking forward to having the seven brothers be fleshed out more as the story goes on. I did really like how she's meeting all of them a couple at a time. I think that this is a very cute story and I wouldn't mind critting more chapters. :)

Good luck with your writing and PM me if you have any questions about my review.

- Tatra
Some people fall in love and touch the sky.
Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.

- Incubus
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 4:30 am
PatriciaTina says...



Hi! I saw your link to this on our team page, (GO TARDIS!) and I just had to head over here right away and drop off a review! So, happy review day, and let's get this thing started!

So, first off I'll just point out any problems or things worth mentioning before going into more general comments. :D

- One of the first things I noticed in the first few paragraphs is just about her and her jacket. You say that she's right outside her school and people are still coming out, if she's really that cold why doesn't she just go back inside and get the coat OUT of her locker? (I know, it's small, but it just doesn't really make sense unless I'm missing something ;))

- Another one of the things that I noticed right away is that your writing doesn't really sound very natural. You might want to work on the flow a bit. (Between sentences, paragraphs, etc.) You need to create a voice for your descriptions, make it your own, so it doesn't sound awkward.
An example of what I mean here can be seen from your first paragraph:

As the air of the afternoon dropped in temperature, a girl stood at the corner of the sidewalk. A school stood behind her and the few students still remaining were walking out of the doors. The school had let out roughly around twenty minutes ago and the girl was supposed to be picked up by her sister, Skyler. Her sister had a piano lesson and had to leave the school a tad early that day, she had said that she was going to be late but she hadn’t mentioned anything about being almost a half an hour late. The girl sighed and looked down at her yellow knee socks and short blue dress. Granted, the dress had long sleeves and it was made for winter, but she had forgotten her coat in her locker and wasn’t relatively warm in the cool New York air.


Now, what I would suggest with this paragraph is to just connect your sentences better to help the flow. For that, you might want to use some transitional or "connecting" words. Here's a good article outlining some examples of transitional words as well as how and why you need to use them. http://www.sdc.uwo.ca/writing/handouts/ ... ignals.pdf

- On a similar note, you might want to take a bit of a closer look at the dialogue as well. Maybe try reading it out with someone else and just ask yourself if it reads like something someone would say. Also, make sure that each of your characters has their own personal voice as well. You know how everyone has a specific way of talking and acting? Well your character should as well. This all will just help us relate to them and make them feel more real to us. As Gryphon said, right now your character seem a little flat. Give them their own personalities and that will go a long way towards fixing that! :) (If you ever need more tips on how you can work on character development, here's a good article on that as well: http://www.pgtc.com/~slmiller/characterdevelopment.htm)

- Just another small thing. When I read the part about her meeting all of these new guys, the first thing that pops into my mind is "Oh, no. Not another one of these stories." And the reason for that is just that there are so many stories out there about girl meets new guy=love/guy meets new girl=love/guys fighting over a girl that it just gets to be cliche after a while. Now, don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying that that's necessarily anything horrible. The only reason I'm pointing this out is because I just think that you should make sure through the whole story that this stands out. Try your best to make sure that you keep it interesting and make your characters different and likeable. Keep away from as many cliches as possible and make sure you're aware of what's been done before time and time again in these types of stories so you can stay away from that.

But the bottom line for this is to just write what feels natural for your characters and the story. Get a feel for them as well as the plot and just go with that.

- Last thing.

He looked similar to the three that Camilla met yesterday, but this fourth sibling seemed a lot more... grumpy that the others.


How does she know that they are all brothers already? Make sure you let us know about this or else we'll be left thinking something like "What? They're all brothers? Where did that come from?!?"

That's all the nit-picks and stuff like that I can think to talk about right now, so I'll just go into my general impressions and then wrap it up!

So, I think that this piece has a lot of great potential, you just need to work a bit on smoothing it out a bit and fleshing out your characters, etc. I really like the idea of a retelling of Snow White, and I'm excited to read what you have planned for the next chapters.

Anyways, I guess I'll just sign off by saying good job on this so far, and I hope that my suggestions help! Keep writing, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions/comments/concerns about any point(s) I made in this review!

Bye! :D
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

Spoiler! :
I lost the game.

"I always hear punch me in the face when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext."
~ Dr. John Watson
  








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