z

Young Writers Society


Without You - Chapter 2



User avatar
42 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2647
Reviews: 42
Sat Mar 19, 2011 12:12 am
imaginemymind says...



Spoiler! :
Author's Note: This isn't the most eventful chapter but it has important things in it. Also the parts at the beginning about her mother and the boyfriend are important to the novel :)




When I was fourteen I got my first boyfriend. I thought I was a big deal. Two weeks later we broke up and I thought it was the end of the world. My mother hadn’t said much about the situation.

“Stop being such a drama queen Adrianna. It’s not like your pregnant or anything!” She had shouted from downstairs. I remember thinking how much I hated her. Instead of shouting at me she should have been consoling me.

When I was fifteen she finally left for good. She had been slipping out at night and coming back after dad had left for work. I of course, seeing the liberty I had, stayed home instead of going to school. I still wonder why my dad let it happen. He watched her deteriorate. He watched her ruin us and yet he said nothing.
***

By the time we reached the Reed’s home my mood had turned sour.

“Oh come here Richard. Your tie is crocked.” My grandmother handed me her clutch. “Let me fix it.” She carefully jerked my grandfather’s tie until it precisely lined up with the buttons that ran vertically down his paisley- colored shirt.

“It looked fine before.” I commented, handing her clutch back to her. She pressed her finger quickly to the door bell and turned to me. “It did not.”

Almost immediately Mrs. Reed’s appeared in the doorway in a lovely navy dress. She smiled at us and quickly ushered us inside. Standing not far from the door way was Mr. Reed, ironically fixing his tie in the hallway mirror, while a little brunette girl stood next to Blake near the stairs. She was holding his hand, but it was obvious she was uncomfortable. At our arrival she separated herself from Blake and greeted my grandparents.

“Hi Mr. and Mrs. Moore,” She had the same smile as Mrs. Reed, bright. My grandparents greeted her with hugs and my grandfather handed her two Hershey’s kisses. I half smiled. I remember when he used to do give me chocolates.

“Adrianna, I’m glad you came along.” Mrs. Reed hugged me and brought me deeper into the house.

I tried my best to smile. “I wouldn’t miss it Mrs. Reed.”

“Well then hopefully you enjoy your time her.” She replied. I noticed Blake moving toward us and without my wanting, my palms became sweaty. I rubbed them against my dress and took a breath.

In a group we all moved to the dining room, where a woman in a white dress shirt and black pencil skirt awaited us. She took my grandmother’s shawl and disappeared to where we had just come from.

“Please, take a seat.” Mr. Reed motioned us to take seats at the big oak table. I grabbed the seat closest to me, realizing too late that Blake had taken the seat next to it.

“Jasmine,” Mrs. Reed’s called. Soon the woman that had been standing in the dining room came walking back in.

“Yes, Mrs. Reed?”

“Please bring us something to drink, wine for the adults and pop for the kids.” She looked at me uncertainly. “Is that okay Adrianna?” I nodded and Jasmine moved to the other end of the room, disappearing into what must have been the kitchen.

Blake chuckled next to me. “You should have said no.”

I looked around the table. No one seemed to notice that he was talking to me. The adults were engrossed in conversation while the little girl played with her cloth napkin.

I gave him a side way glanced. “Why? I’m a guest. I take what I’m given.”

“She would have given you something else.”

“I want pop.”

He simply shrugged and turned his attention to the little girl. “Hey Maddy, are you having fun with that napkin?”

The little girl looked up and smiled. “No, I just have nothing else to do.” She said this in a whisper, like if the adults heard her she’d get in trouble. Blake shrugged, his elbow rubbing mine. I immediately moved over a bit. Blake turned and smiled at me.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to do that.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine.” I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.

Blake
For the rest of dinner I didn’t talk to her. I couldn’t. After seeing her smile I felt bad. I felt like … well I was cheating on Claire. Here I was making this girl smile, while Claire would never be able to do that again. It was just wrong.

After dinner we all moved to the living room. I sat as far away from Adrianna as I could. I sat next to Maddy, who probably wanted me as far from her as possible. Her body stiffened when she noticed I was going to take a seat next to
her. Being here was not what I needed. It was too much.

“Well,” I said standing up. “If you all will excuse me,”

“Are you okay sweetie?” My mom asked standing. I motioned for her to sit.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just have a small headache.”

She nodded and I excused myself again before heading to my room. I pause a moment before ascending the stairs. A wave of laughter rippled from the living room and I contemplated going back. I hadn’t even glanced back to look at Adrianna.

I shook my head and started taking the steps two at a time.

“Blake.” I turned and looked down the stairs. Adrianna stood there playing with her fingers.

I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the lost look on her face or the way she kept looking around, but I smiled.

“Yeah?”

She didn’t know what to say. She just looked at the ground and kept playing with her fingers.

“Yeah?” I said again.

She looked up at me. “Mind if I join you? The adults are really boring.”

I chuckled and started going back downstairs. “Yeah, sure. Let’s go into-”

“Miss Moore?” Jasmine inquired. “Your grandparents are ready to leave.”

I leaned against the stair’s railing and looked at Adrianna. She glanced up at me and shrugged.

I nodded and started heading up the stairs. “Nice meeting you Adrianna.” I called down to her.

“See you next time Blake.” She replied to my back. I shook my head and kept making my way to my room.Yeah, next time , I thought with a sigh.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on" ~Robert Frost

My blog where I talk everything book related : http://booksarewonderfulmagic.blogspot.com/
  





User avatar
498 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 22451
Reviews: 498
Sun Mar 20, 2011 9:01 pm
theotherone says...



Hey, I'm here again to review chapter two! :)

I'll quote the whole thing so it's easier to correct your mistakes. :)
imaginemymind wrote:
Spoiler! :
Author's Note: This isn't the most eventful chapter but it has important things in it. Also the parts at the beginning about her mother and the boyfriend are important to the novel :)




When I was fourteen I got my first boyfriend. I thought it was a big deal. Two weeks later we broke up and I thought it was the end of the world. My mother hadn’t said much about the situation.

“Stop being such a drama queen Adrianna. It’s not like your pregnant or anything!” She had shouted from downstairs. I remember thinking how much I hated her. Instead of shouting at me comma, she should have been consoling me.

When I was fifteen comma, she finally left for good. She had been slipping out at night and coming back after dad had left for work. I of course, seeing the liberty I had, stayed home instead of going to school. I still wonder why my dad had let it happen. He watched her deteriorate. He watched her ruin us and yet comma, he said nothing.
***

By the time we reached the Reed’s home comma, my mood had turned sour.

“Oh come here Richard. Your tie is crooked comma,” my grandmother handed me her clutch. “Let me fix it comma,” she carefully jerked my grandfather’s tie until it precisely lined up with the buttons that ran vertically down his paisley- colored shirt.

“It looked fine before comma,” I commented, handing her clutch back to her. She pressed her finger quickly to the door bell and turned to me. “It did not.”

Almost immediately comma, Mrs. Reed’s appeared in the doorway in a lovely navy dress. She smiled at us and quickly ushered us inside. Standing not far from the door way was Mr. Reed, ironically fixing his tie in the hallway mirror, while a little brunette girl stood next to Blake near the stairs. She was holding his hand, but it was obvious she was uncomfortable. At our arrival comma, she separated herself from Blake and greeted my grandparents.

“Hi Mr. and Mrs. Moore,” she had the same smile as Mrs. Reed, bright. My grandparents greeted her with hugs and my grandfather handed her two Hershey’s kisses. I half smiled. I remembered when he used to do give me chocolates.

“Adrianna, I’m glad you came along comma,” Mrs. Reed hugged me and brought me deeper into the house.

I tried my best to smile. “I wouldn’t miss it Mrs. Reed.”

“Well then hopefully you enjoy your time here comma,” she replied. I noticed Blake moving toward us and without my wanting, my palms became sweaty. I rubbed them against my dress and took a breath.

In a group We all moved to the dining room, where a woman in a white dress shirt and black pencil skirt awaited us. She took my grandmother’s shawl and disappeared to where we had just come from.

“Please, take a seat comma,” Mr. Reed motioned us to take seats at the big oak table. I grabbed the seat closest to me, realizing too late that Blake had taken the seat next to it.

“Jasmine,” Mrs. Reed’s called. Soon the woman that had been standing in the dining room came walking back in.

“Yes, Mrs. Reed?”

“Please bring us something to drink, wine for the adults and pop for the kids comma,” she looked at me uncertainly. “Is that okay Adrianna?” I nodded and Jasmine moved to the other end of the room, disappearing into what must have been the kitchen.

Blake chuckled next to me. “You should have said no.”

I looked around the table. No one seemed to notice that he was talking to me. The adults were engrossed in conversation while the little girl played with her cloth napkin.

I gave him a side way glanced. “Why? I’m a guest. I take what I’m given.”

“She would have given you something else.”

“I want pop.”

He simply shrugged and turned his attention to the little girl. “Hey Maddy, are you having fun with that napkin?”

The little girl looked up and smiled. “No, I just have nothing else to do [color=#FF0000]comma[/color]” she whispered back, as if the adults heard her she’d get in trouble. Blake shrugged, his elbow rubbing mine. I immediately moved over a bit. Blake turned and smiled at me.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to do that.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine comma,” I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.

Blake
For the rest of dinner I didn’t talk to her. I couldn’t. After seeing her smile I felt bad. I felt like … well I was cheating on Claire. Here I was making this girl smile, while Claire would never be able to do that again. It was just wrong.

After dinner we all moved to the living room. I sat as far away from Adrianna as I could, instead, I sat next to Maddy, who probably wanted me as far from her as possible. Her body stiffened when she noticed I was going to take a seat next to her. Being here was not what I needed. It was too much.

“Well,” I said standing up. “If you all will excuse me,”

“Are you okay sweetie?” My mom asked comma standing up. I motioned for her to sit.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just have a small headache.”

She nodded and I excused myself again before heading to my room. I paused a moment before ascending the stairs. A wave of laughter rippled from the living room and I contemplated going back. I hadn’t even glanced back to look at Adrianna.

I shook my head and started taking the steps two at a time.

“Blake comma,” I turned and looked down the stairs. Adrianna stood there comma, playing with her fingers.

I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the lost look on her face or the way she kept looking around, but I smiled.

“Yeah?”

She didn’t know what to say. She just looked at the ground and kept playing with her fingers.

“Yeah?” I said again.

She looked up at me. “Mind if I join you? The adults are really boring.”

I chuckled and started going back downstairs. “Yeah, sure. Let’s go into-”

“Miss Moore?” Jasmine inquired. “Your grandparents are ready to leave.”

I leaned against the stair’s railing and looked at Adrianna. She glanced up at me and shrugged.

I nodded and started heading up the stairs. “Nice meeting you Adrianna comma,” I called down to her.

“See you next time Blake comma,” she replied to my back. I shook my head and kept making my way to my room.Yeah, next time , I thought with a sigh.

Plot wise, it's going great. I feel like nothing's happening but it's normal, since you're only a the second chapter. :) Also, a common mistake you do is that you put a period at the end of dialogue. Normally, writers tend to put commas because it helps with the flow and seems less harsh for the eye. It's actually not a mistake... But it's still better if you do so. ;)

I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter! Sorry for the short review.

-Other one
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  





User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 11160
Reviews: 25
Mon Mar 28, 2011 10:44 pm
JoyceSparrows says...



For a while I thought you might have given up. I’m glad you didn’t!

All the mistakes have seemingly been caught, so I don’t really have much to say except for I got a little confused with this part:
When I was fifteen she finally left for good. She had been slipping out at night and coming back after dad had left for work. I of course, seeing the liberty I had, stayed home instead of going to school.


I might have just read it wrong or something, but why would the mother going out at night and coming back in the morning affect Adrianna’s going to school. I don’t know, maybe my “reading between the lines” skills are off today.

I look forward to reading more of this novel! :D

Joyce
If I weren't going to be a writer I'd go to New York and pursue the stage. Are you shocked?

-Little Women


You have the itch for writing born in you. It's quite incurable. What are you going to do with it?

― L.M. Montgomery

Review my new poem! Mayflowers
  





User avatar
38 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1813
Reviews: 38
Sun Jul 24, 2011 12:42 pm
ChocolateMoonLight says...



Hey!

I just want to say that I really like the this story an the way it's going. It's really good but just one advice from me- take care of your grammar and sentence construction 'cause it can get a bit annoying for the reader to guess what you are saying.

Some nitpicks-
imaginemymind wrote:
When I was fourteen I got my first boyfriend. I thought it was a big deal. Two weeks later we broke up and I thought it was the end of the world. My mother hadn’t said much about the situation.

“Stop being such a drama queen Adrianna. It’s not like your pregnant or anything!” She had shouted from downstairs. I remember thinking how much I hated her. Instead of shouting at me she should have been consoling me.

When I was fifteen she finally left for good. She had been slipping out at night and coming back after dad had left for work. I of course, seeing the liberty I had, stayed home instead of going to school. I still wonder why my dad let it happen. He watched her deteriorate. He watched her ruin us and yet he said nothing.
I agree with Joyce here, why would the M.C.'s mother's leaving at night and coming back in the morning give her the liberty of bunking school. It would be a whole lot different if she left the house in the morning after her father left for work and she was alone in the house. Please edit or change that.
***

By the time we reached the Reed’s home my mood had turned sour.

“Oh come here Richard. Your tie is crocked.(comma instead of full-stop)” My grandmother handed me her clutch. “Let me fix it.comma” She carefully jerked my grandfather’s tie until it precisely lined up with the buttons that ran vertically down his paisley- colored shirt.

“It looked fine before.(you should put a comma here instead of a full-stop)” I commented, handing her clutch back to her. She pressed her finger quickly to the door bell and turned to me. “It did not.”

Almost immediately Mrs. Reed’s appeared in the doorway in a lovely navy dress. She smiled at us and quickly ushered us inside. Standing not far from the door way was Mr. Reed, ironically fixing his tie in the hallway mirror, while a little brunette girl stood next to Blake near the stairs. She was holding his hand, but it was obvious she was uncomfortable. At our arrival she separated herself from Blake and greeted my grandparents.

“Hi Mr. and Mrs. Moore,” She had the same smile as Mrs. Reed, bright. My grandparents greeted her with hugs and my grandfather handed her two Hershey’s kisses. I half smiled. I remember when he used to do give me chocolates.

“Adrianna, I’m glad you came along.” Mrs. Reed hugged me and brought me deeper into the house.

I tried my best to smile. “I wouldn’t miss it Mrs. Reed.”

“Well then hopefully you enjoy your time her.” She replied. I noticed Blake moving toward us and without my wanting, my palms became sweaty. I rubbed them against my dress and took a breath.

In a group we all moved to the dining room, where a woman in a white dress shirt and black pencil skirt awaited us. She took my grandmother’s shawl and disappeared to where we had just come from.

“Please, take a seat.” Mr. Reed motioned us to take seats at the big oak table. I grabbed the seat closest to me, realizing too late that Blake had taken the seat next to it.

“Jasmine,” Mrs. Reed’s called. Soon the woman that had been standing in the dining room comma came walking back in.

“Yes, Mrs. Reed?”

“Please bring us something to drink, wine for the adults and pop for the kids.” She looked at me uncertainly. “Is that okay Adrianna?” I nodded and Jasmine moved to the other end of the room, disappearing into what must have been the kitchen.

Blake chuckled next to me. “You should have said no.”

I looked around the table. No one seemed to notice that he was talking to me. The adults were engrossed in conversation while the little girl played with her cloth napkin.

I gave him a side way glanced. “Why? I’m a guest. I take what I’m given.”

“She would have given you something else.”

“I want pop.”

He simply shrugged and turned his attention to the little girl. “Hey Maddy, are you having fun with that napkin?”

The little girl looked up and smiled. “No, I just have nothing else to do.” She said this in a whisper, like if the adults heard her she’d get in trouble. Blake shrugged, his elbow rubbing mine. I immediately moved over a bit. Blake turned and smiled at me.

“Sorry. (comma instead of full-stop) Didn’t mean to do that.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine.” I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.

Blake
For the rest of dinner I didn’t talk to her. I couldn’t. After seeing her smile I felt bad. I felt like … well I was cheating on Claire. Here I was making this girl smile, while Claire would never be able to do that again. It was just wrong.

After dinner we all moved to the living room. I sat as far away from Adrianna as I could. I sat next to Maddy, who probably wanted me as far from her as possible. Her body stiffened when she noticed I was going to take a seat next to her. Being here was not what I needed. It was too much.

“Well,” I said standing up. “If you all will excuse me,”

“Are you okay sweetie?” My mom asked standing. I motioned for her to sit.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just have a small headache.”

She nodded and I excused myself again before heading to my room. I paused a moment before ascending the stairs. A wave of laughter rippled from the living room and I contemplated going back. I hadn’t even glanced back to look at Adrianna.

I shook my head and started taking the steps two at a time.

“Blake.” I turned and looked down the stairs. Adrianna stood there playing with her fingers.

I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the lost look on her face or the way she kept looking around, but I smiled.

“Yeah?”

She didn’t know what to say. She just looked at the ground and kept playing with her fingers.

“Yeah?” I said again.

She looked up at me. “Mind if I join you? The adults are really boring.”

I chuckled and started going back downstairs. “Yeah, sure. Let’s go into-”

“Miss Moore?” Jasmine inquired. “Your grandparents are ready to leave.”

I leaned against the stair’s railing and looked at Adrianna. She glanced up at me and shrugged.

I nodded and started heading up the stairs. “Nice meeting you Adrianna.” I called down to her.

“See you next time Blake.” She replied to my back. I shook my head and kept making my way to my room.Yeah, next time , I thought with a sigh.


Hope this helps you...

-rooh-
Spoiler! :
Checkout the different shades of sunset...
topic84708.html


Need a review??? Click here! http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic87443.html#p913699%20URL%20Review%20Bar...
  








Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman