Young Writers Society

Chapter 1

“Troy, do you really have to leave?” I asked my husband. We were in bed after a passionate bout of lovemaking. I had just told him I was pregnant; eleven weeks to be exact. I felt elation and pride for the child I would be having with my beloved. We’ve been married for six months but we haven’t exactly had a normal marriage. I gave a slight snort when I remembered under what circumstances I had gotten married to my husband.

“I’m sorry babe. My dad’s taking me on a business trip, you know, so that I can run the company once I’m out of school,” he said. “And besides it will be good for you, me and our baby.” He continued as he caressed my stomach. Although I felt my heart tear at the thought of him leaving, I let myself bask in his presence while I still had the chance so I let him distract me. He kissed me passionately, a spark to ignite the flames, which led us to make love again until we finally slept in each other's arms, exhausted and happy.

I snapped out of my daydream, returning to the work I was doing. It had been a year since he left and I haven’t heard from him, yet. Not that I expected to. My heart clenched at that thought. I've long accepted the fact that he would never come back but it still didn't stop me from feeling the heart-breaking pain at the loss of my love.

Everyone knew my story, or at least the public one. Only one person knows everything, Marc Angelo, my best friend. He was the one who understood what I had gone through, what I was still going through. The child in the carriage gurgled; I turned my attention to Rosalie, our daughter. I rocked the carriage gently and lulled her back to sleep. Tears started forming at the corners of my eyes as I looked at my child, our child. I felt a finger wipe the tears away and looked up to see Marc looking at me with a pained expression. His eyes held a glint that told me he was worried about me and at the same time he wanted to find whoever had hurt me and have a 'little talk' with them. I leaned into his hand as he caressed my cheek to comfort me and sighed deeply.

As a fifteen-year-old single mother, it had not been easy for me to raise my child. My husband left me after hearing news of my pregnancy and I haven't heard from him since. I missed him, his sapphire orbs looking at me with the intensity of his love. I missed letting my fingers tangle in his dirty blond hair as he kissed me with all his being. I missed all of him and try as I might, I couldn't forget him. And, as much as I want to, I couldn't curl up into a ball and wish for everything to disappear because I had a child. It had been a difficult year but with the help of my best friend Marc, I managed. My family as well as Marc's family supported me throughout my pregnancy and now, my motherhood. My parents blamed themselves for getting me involved with Troy and they deeply regretted it. They tried to make up for it by helping me with Rose, but nothing would ever take that sense of betrayal from me.

"You're thinking about him again,” he said in a strained voice. “You know it’s not good for you to be crying,” he told me gently. His chocolate brown orbs looked at my onyx eyes as he conveyed a message that only we understood.

I thought of Marc and his goofy personality. I reminisced about everything we'd been through together and couldn't help but think that I have experienced far more with Marc than with my own husband. He became my best friend after he confessed that he needed help with a girl. Back then, I seemed to have a strange pull towards those who needed help with their love life and somehow, I always managed to give good advice. That meeting gave us a strange friendship of some sort, growing closer to each other, telling our secrets and knowing that they will be kept as such. We trusted each other so it was no surprise that he became my confidante and I his. He stood by me through all my troubles and he became Rosalie's surrogate father.

“I know and I’m sorry. It’s just that…” he cut me off.

“You don’t have to explain. I understand. Now will you please smile? For me?” he asked, I tried and succeeded in giving him a small smile. “That’s my girl.” He approved, kissing the top of my nose.

Then, we heard commotion going on from the first floor of the school. The door slammed open against the wall as someone pushed it forcefully from its hinges. There standing, looking through the doorway was Troy. My heartbeat pounded against my ears and I struggled to breathe he looked at me with piercing blue eyes while he assessed the situation. A rage of emotions flashed through his eyes in the brief moment that our gazes locked. I saw excitement, then betrayal and finally jealousy. His handsome face contorted with rage as he looked at me then at Marc and back again. I struggled to speak, to try and break the increasing tension in the room.

“Troy?” I stammered. I tried to regain my composure but my heart sped up even more like I was participating in a marathon. I looked fearfully at Troy then back at Marc then back again at Troy. The look on his face made me flinch. I knew what he saw; Marc leaning on my table, his face so close to mine, my face flushed. It looked like he interrupted us in the middle of a passionate kiss. Finally, after a brief struggle which felt like an eternity to me, I used all the strength I had to put my well-practiced mask on my face.

All I have to say is 'wow', a lot happened in this short little piece!

By the way, I'm The.Dreamwalker and I'm going to review your piece today! Since its so short, I'm skipping my four sections and replacing them with a Nit-Picks section and an Overall section so hopefully that should suffice! Other than that, lets get on with the show!

Nit-Picks:

I had just told him I was pregnant, eleven weeks to be exact.

This should either be two sentences or - more perferably - a semicolon.

My dad’s taking me on a business trip, you know, so that I can run the company once I’m out of school.” He said."

The period should be a comma. A period should only end a quotation like that if you have a line like;

"Lets go to the park." He walked to the door.

Whilst

"Let's go to the park," he said. (as you can tell, if you are directing the sentence towards the speaker, if needs to be a comma for correct grammar.)

I snapped out of my daydream, returning to the work I was doing. It’s been a year since he left and I haven’t heard from him, yet.

You keep jumping from past to present tense. Watch out for that. In this case, you need to change the 'It's been a year' to 'It had been a year'.

The child in the carriage gurgled; I turned my attention to her, Rosalie, my daughter, Troy and mine’s daughter.

Lines like these are a mess of commas. I understand trying to do so for effect but its bad punctuation. You have a lot of these throughout the piece.

Tears started forming at the corner of my eyes as I looked at my child,

You have corner as singular yet eyes as plural. That being said, both your eyes only have one corner? Think about that when you write.

It looked like he interrupted us while we were making out.

The term 'making-out' is a little... childish. Like teenage love. Try passionately kissing or something of that general sort because 'making-out' just does not suit this section at all.

Alright, so that finishes my nit-picks section. The things I pointed out have various mistakes so, if you'd like me to fine-comb the piece, I will.

Overall:

This was extremely rushed. A lot happens in this piece in a very short amount of time. That being said, its hard to understand the emotion of the characters and the situations they are at because of how quick everything sort of happens. What I will say is that you have an interesting start to a plotline that could flourish. The problem is, you are lacking in description, setting, and characterization.

Description will not only help flesh this story out but it will also help create stronger, more well-rounded characters. What you have here is very basic, static characters because we haven't really seen much other than basic human emotions. That and the time gaps come on really quickly.

So, my big thing about this piece is to flesh it up and give us more character developement. What you have here is more of an outline than it is a piece of fiction.

Sorry if that was harsh
~The.Dreamwalker

Hello!!
First off I'd like to welcome you to YWS. Now we can get down to business.

I like the concept of the story, but you have to remember that when writing a novel you have plenty of time to develop you setting. I feel that the story is being way too rushed. We don’t even know the name of the main character. How old are these people? Tell us more about Troy leaving, why they were married, and exactly who this Marc guy is. I get that some of the details will be revealed to us later, but like I said, some of the things you did tell us could be fleshed out more.

I hope this was helpful.

I’m looking forward to reading more of this story.

Joyce

Oh Myy!!! Aly you are SO talented!! :O You should be a writer some day man :3 Your story sounds so real; you describe the narrator's emotions quite well...(though maybe you could have made your work more detailed?) :/ Over all....i just LOVE that story girl ! Keep up the good work!

I liked this story a lot! it was a little rushed. and it left me wondering a lot. I had a lot of questions. So i suggest you slow down and give some background. But other than that it is really good. Keep writing!

Yanni1995 wrote:Chapter 1

“Troy, do you really have to leave?” I asked my husband. We were in bed after a passionate bout of lovemaking. I had just told him I was pregnant; eleven weeks to be exact. I felt elation and pride for the child I would be having with my beloved. We’ve been married for six months but we haven’t exactly had a normal marriage. I gave a slight snort when I remembered under what circumstances I had gotten married to him. You already said husband in this paragraph. Big no-no with my english teacher.

“I’m sorry babe. My dad’s taking me on a business trip, you know, so that I can run the company once I’m out of school.” he said. “And besides it will be good for you, me, and our baby.” He continued as he caressed my stomach. Although I felt my heart tear at the thought of him leaving, I let myself bask in his presence while I still had the chance so I let him distract me. This part of the sentance doesn't make sense. He kissed me passionately, a spark to ignite the flames, which led us to make love again until we finally slept in each other's arms, exhausted and happy.

I snapped out of my daydream, returning to the work I was doing. It had been a year since he left and I haven’t heard from him, yet. I don't think you need this. Not that I expected to. My heart clenched at that thought. I've long accepted the fact that he would never come back but it still didn't stop me from feeling the heart-breaking pain at the loss of my love.

Everyone knew my story, or at least the public one. Only one person knows everything, Marc Angelo, my best friend. He was the one who understood what I had gone through, what I was still going through. The child in the carriage gurgled; I turned my attention to Rosalie, our daughter. I rocked the carriage gently and lulled her back to sleep. Tears started forming at the corners of my eyes as I looked at my child, our child. I felt a finger wipe the tears away and looked up to see Marc looking at me with a pained expression. His eyes held a glint that told me he was worried about me and at the same time he wanted to find whoever had hurt me and have a 'little talk' with them. I leaned into his hand as he caressed my cheek to comfort me and sighed deeply.

As a fifteen-year-old single mother, it had not been easy for me to raise my child. My husband left me after hearing news of my pregnancy and I haven't heard from him since. I missed him, his sapphire orbs This is a bitdramatic. looking at me with the intensity of his love. I missed letting my fingers tangle in his dirty blond hair as he kissed me with all his being. I missed all of him and try as I might, I couldn't forget him. And, as much as I want to, I couldn't curl up into a ball and wish for everything to disappear because I had a child. It had been a difficult year but with the help of my best friend Marc, I managed. My family as well as Marc's family supported me throughout my pregnancy and now, my motherhood. My parents blamed themselves for getting me involved with Troy and they deeply regretted it. They tried to make up for it by helping me with Rose, but nothing would ever take that sense of betrayal from me.

"You're thinking about him again,” he said in a strained voice. “You know it’s not good for you to be crying,” he told me gently. His chocolate brown orbs looked at my onyx eyes as he conveyed a message that only we understood.

I thought of Marc and his goofy personality. I reminisced about everything we'd been through together and couldn't help but think that I have experienced far more with Marc than with my own husband. He became my best friend after he confessed that he needed help with a girl. Back then, I seemed to have a strange pull towards those who needed help with their love life and somehow, I always managed to give good advice. That meeting gave us a strange friendship of some sort, growing closer to each other, telling our secrets and knowing that they will be kept as such. We trusted each other so it was no surprise that he became my confidante and I his. He stood by me through all my troubles and he became Rosalie's surrogate father.

“I know and I’m sorry. It’s just that…” he cut me off.

“You don’t have to explain. I understand. Now will you please smile? For me?” he asked, I tried and succeeded in giving him a small smile. “That’s my girl.” He approved, kissing the top of my nose.

Then, we heard commotion going on from the first floor of the school. The door slammed open against the wall as someone pushed it forcefully from its hinges. There standing, looking through the doorway was Troy. My heartbeat pounded against my ears and I struggled to breathe he looked at me with piercing blue eyes while he assessed the situation. A rage of emotions flashed through his eyes in the brief moment that our gazes locked. I saw excitement, then betrayal and finally jealousy. His handsome face contorted with rage as he looked at me then at Marc and back again. I struggled to speak, to try and break the increasing tension in the room.

“Troy?” I stammered. I tried to regain my composure but my heart sped up even more like I was participating in a marathon. I looked fearfully at Troy then at Marc then back again at Troy. The look on his face made me flinch. I knew what he saw; Marc leaning on my table, his face so close to mine, my face flushed. It looked like he interrupted us in the middle of a passionate kiss. Finally, after a brief struggle which felt like an eternity to me, I used all the strength I had to put my well-practiced mask on my face.

Wow. I loved this, I really loved this. You portrayed your characters so expertly, I lost myself in the story. You might want to make it a little longer, just saying but really, you hardly need to change a thing.

Good job; though I say like the others before me this is rushed a bit. You need to add some background into it. I have many questions that make me wonder how and why did this happen? How did she meet Troy? I was curious. Anyways other than that I can't find anything else wrong. So Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more!!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3

That was really good. Lots of over people have reviewed so I don't know if you want me to, but there was one thing I think I should say. Make a note saying that it is in past or present tense. That is the only thing I noticed, other than that really good. PM me when a new chapter is posted
~Jenn