I didn't really like the first chapter so I thought I'd do it over, it's somewhat similar, like the first few lines are exactly the same. The second part where they are in the car wasn't changed at all. Just so you know... Anyway tell me what ya think.
I stepped outside into the cool morning air. The summer sun peeked over the top of the house across the street; light spreading like liquid throughout the pink, cotton candy clouds.
“It is way to early to be up,” Ethan grumbled, handing his father the bright green suitcase. His shaggy brown hair was ruffled, giving him the appearance of just rolling out of bed.
“Stop complaining,” Mr. Mahoney replied. “You’re not the one who will be stuck in traffic.” He packed the suitcase into the big blue minivan and took the first aid kit out of my hands. “Thank you, Sophie,” He smiled.
I smiled, too, and caught myself in the cars tinted window. I didn’t look as tired as Ethan, surprising since I had barely slept last night due to my excitement towards this trip. My blonde hair was pulled into a tight ponytail, it stuck stick straight behind me. My face was round, practically a perfect circle, my nose at the exact center. I noticed a spot on my cheek. A pimple? Before I could inspect further another face appeared next to mine in the reflection. A tan, flawless, grinning face.
“Tristan is getting the last thing,” Kevin informed his dad before wrapping his arms around me. He spun me around and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. Was there anyone luckier than me at this moment? I thought. Not only did I have the best boyfriend in the entire world, but I got to go with him and his family to their beach house in Rhode Island. I could think of no better way to spend a summer.
We both turned around; his arm rested casually around my shoulders. Ethan had made his way over to the lawn where Anna was sitting. He lay down next to her and she put her head on his chest; infinitely long hair spread like a blanket on him.
Anna was my best friend, she had been since sixth grade when she sat behind me in French class. It worked out great when it turned out we liked brothers and even better when they liked us back.
Just then, Tristan came out carrying a huge cooler. His pale muscles bulged under its weight. Mrs. Mahoney, Kevin’s lovable mother, fluttered behind him saying, “Are you sure it’s not too heavy, dear? I can get one of my boys to help.” Mrs. Mahoney was the type of mother who baked cookies for her kids after school even though both boys insisted they were too old for that.
Tristan shook his head, making his dirty blonde hair shake. Using his knee, he hoisted the cooler into the car, taking up the last inch of space there was left. As Kevin’s best friend I was struck by what opposites they were. Kevin’s skin was tan, his hair dark brown while Tristan’s skin was pale, his hair dirty blonde.
Tristan had accompanied the Mahoney’s to their beach house each year and this year, even though Anna and I were coming, Kevin didn’t want to just uninvite Tristan.
“Yes, it is like a fifth wheel type of thing,” Kevin had said when he’d first told me the plan, “but he said he didn’t mind. Plus, with all of us, it’s not like he’d need to be alone.” He’d insured that we would still have alone time, which is exactly what I wanted. Kevin and I had been dating for a long time and I had decided long ago that this trip would be the trip. The trip where I give myself to him completely. What’s more romantic than a beach?
It was for this reason that I could hardly contain my excitement, sure I was nervous but I was convinced this vacation would go off with out a hitch.
I never would have guessed how wrong I could be.
“Is that everything?” Mr. Mahoney asked, clapping his hands together in a satisfied way. We all nodded and he said, “Then off we go!”
The seven of us climbed into the car, my heart boiling with excitement. How was it possible for a person to be so lucky?
~~~
The car was gliding smoothly along the highway and I was dreaming of the beach. I had dreamt of the beach for the past week, that’s how excited I was. In this dream, I was imagining myself curled with Kevin on the sand. The sun was high in the sky and nothing but sand, ocean and sky stretched for miles. I glanced at him, his tan skin shimmered in the sunlight. He looked at me too and I was given the illusion that there was nobody else in the world. The car hit a bump and I jerked awake, only to realized that I had fallen asleep on Tristan’s shoulder. I sat up quickly, embarrassed.
“Sorry,” I muttered. “I didn’t realize-“
He just laughed, “It’s fine, I don’t mind at all.” I was still embarrassed though and I looked to see if Kevin had seen. He was asleep too, his face pressed against the glass of the window. Tristan, Kevin and I were sitting in the back of the minivan, the luggage of the trunk threatening to spill over onto our heads. It had been decided that I would sit in the middle, instead of Kevin, because I was the smallest. In front of us were Anna and Ethan, both asleep too. Anna was curled into Ethan’s chest and he was snoring lightly.
I glanced out the window. Little bits of scenery flew past blurrily. The sky was a clear, cloudless blue and the sun was climbing its way to the top. “What time is it?” I asked Tristan, thinking it must be nearing noon. He pulled his phone out of his pocket.
“11:40,” He read.
Wow, I thought. I had been asleep for a long time. “Have you been awake this whole time?” I asked him, surveying the rest of the sleeping car.
“Yeah,” he replied and shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t usually sleep in cars,” he added and then laughed a little. “It’s weird.”
I laughed too and nodded in understanding. “That must be boring.”
“Not really,” He said, laughing again “I mean, you were pretty entertaining.”
“I was?” I asked, not sure whether I should be flattered or mortified.
“Yeah,” He laughed, judging by his laughter this probably wasn’t a compliment. “You were talking mostly. You were like, Oh Kevin, Kevin I love you, Kevin.” He continued, in a gushy impression of what I actually sounded like.
I felt my face turn red. “Shut up,” I blushed, hitting him in the arm.
He rubbed his arm, still laughing, “Sorry, you don’t need to be embarrassed.” He added modestly, “I mean, Kevin’s pretty lucky to have someone who loves him so much that she talks about him in her sleep.” He smiled meekly now and I just looked ahead. It was too late anyway to worry about it. “And hey, if it makes you feel any better, Kevin’s dad singing Route 66 was way more embarrassing than what you said.”
I couldn’t help laugh at that image. He continued, “It kinda reminded me of that time Mr. O’Leary decided to do karaoke for us.”
At this I laughed harder, remembering our crazy photo teacher. Tristan and I had a photography class together last year, when I was a freshman and he and Kevin were juniors. To be honest, I had a small crush on Tristan for the first month, but this was before I even knew Kevin. Imagine my surprise when Kevin introduced me to his best friend and it turns out we already knew each other. But that was a long time ago.
Tristan and I continued to reminisce and talk for the rest of the ride. That is, until Mr. Mahoney started singing again, because then we were just laughing.
For those of you who have read the original, do you think this is better? Also do you think I should remake the second part, too? I like the second part better but what do you think?
Oh and for anyone who wants to read more I have 8 chapters after this up just click "view novel" above
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