All the paranoid thoughts of what would happen and what could happen all built up in me until I couldn’t move let alone speak. I felt sick, so severely sick. Yet this was for the good of my mum and my relationship. Before I got the chance to force those long awaiting words out I was interrupted.
“I know!”
I was taken aback by her instant outburst, several questions came head, how could she, had my teacher told, I just didn’t know and didn’t really want to ask.
“Steve’s mum.” she said completely emotionless.
My heart completely sank, I suddenly felt really sorry for Steve, it was my fault all this had happen and now he was going through such traumatic moment in his life which i felt i had brought on.
“Why on earth didn’t you tell me?”
“I … I don’t know.”
“I’m more upset you didn’t tell me sooner!”
“Sorry.”
“I don’t think sorry makes a blind bit of difference!”
I saw tears trickle down her face, this just escalated all feelings of guilt I had.
“I’m very tired … I need to go to bed.”
“You’ll stay here and tell me what’s been happening and for how long.” I could sense anger in the tone of her voice, anger that really scared me.
“Nothing happened … it was a one off thing.” I whimpered.
I knew I was lying and I would never want what happened this day to be a one off. I loved every single second of it and wouldn’t have changed it for the world.
“David don’t lie, I know because Steve’s mum told me so.”
“It only happened today.” I said so quiet I barely heard myself.
“Just go … I don’t know what to do or say. So I think its best if I take sometime to think about all this.”
I was slightly confused, she had told me to wait but now she was dismissing me so easily, had it affected her that much? I always had fond memories of my mum as a tough, robust woman that nothing could faze but this was her Achilles Heel, what made it worse was i had found it.
*
The next few days crept by in complete silence, in fact i had only met my mothers eyes just once in the past three days. To pass the time i tried calling or texting Steve, all to no avail. I worried whether his mother had taken the news even worse than my own, had she been the reason why their relationship had become mute. It couldn't be his own choice, could it?
*
I had been a week since the supposed indecent incident that occurred between me and Steve, it had also been a week since I had been in contact with him. This was the day I had been both longing for and dreading, this was the day I was to return to school.
I walked into my first period class, English, to a full classroom of eyes watching every move that I made. There were more than a hand full of whispers which were intended for me but I brushed them all off and tried to get on as best I could. There were no real problems through the class, but then again I didn’t expect anything if a teacher was there.
Once the bell rang my heart sank, I just knew what was going to happen. As all the classrooms poured out I could feel all the eyes casting their disgust towards me. I heard several derogatory comments, whether they were about me I didn’t know but I didn’t care as what I was here for was to find Steve. Then I saw him walking down the stairs looking a bit worse for wear, I could barely stop myself shouting out my feelings for him and with no regard for anything but him I ran over towards him. When I got to him I placed both my hands on his hips and tried to place my head on his shoulders yet he very quickly pushed me away.
“It's only me Steve.” I said expecting him to laugh it off and finally embrace me like I had been yearning for.
“Sorry but I cant.”
At that moment I felt so alone, so desperately alone.
“What you mean you cant!”
“I'm not gay, i don't know what i was thinking! It was all just a mistake.”
“You are gay Steve! Why are you lying to yourself!”
"I'm not lying. I'm... sorry." Steve whispered.
Without another word Steve walked away seemingly out of my life. I felt lost and abandoned from all the people I loved, as I gazed at the corridor Steve had just walked down I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and ran out the school door in floods of tears. I just couldn’t handle the pain any longer, it was just to intense so I decided to end it anyway i could.
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