Young Writers Society

I bounded into the kitchen the next morning, feebly hoping that the photo studio, the new tattoo, the kiss had been all but a dream.

The glances that Chad gave me turned that hope to dust.

Especially the kiss he gave me after I had finished watching the dishes. I eased out of it for a moment, feeling giddy and both overwhelmed.

“Can we go for a walk?” I asked breathlessly. “I need some air,” Really, the reason was to give myself a clear head and talk with Chad nowhere near a bedroom…

Chad agreed, and in a few seconds we were walking out on one of the intricate trails that snaked its way around Mercer Island. The faint sunshine poking its way through the heavy clouds dappled the mud underneath our soles, creating patterns on the tree trunks surrounding us.

We were silent for a few seconds before I spoke, “So, about yesterday…”

Chad glanced at me, “Yes?”

“It was a little bit unexpected…what you did.”

After kissing me for a few moments, Chad had picked me up and laid me on his bed. At which point, I had pushed him away. I really did want to go further than just a polite make-out, but the problem was that I didn’t know where to stop. And that was frightening.

“I apologize for that,” Chad murmured, clearly taking my words the wrong way.

“No, no, it was fine!” I nearly shouted. “It was just--”

“Really?” Chad interrupted me. “Being in bed was fine?”

I nodded, just about to speak my answer when water struck my cheek. I looked up to see another drop hit my nose. And to see storm clouds looming above us…

“Rain!” Chad stated the obvious. I hurried along the trail, “We need to get home!”

A rumble of thunder sounded as if to punctuate my point. Chad and I ran along the trail, shoes covered in mud, clothing soaked. By the time we had gotten in and locked the door, we looked and felt like two half-drowned cats.

“Oh my God…” I peeled off my sweatshirt and headed towards Chad’s bedroom. We both entered and instantly Chad began stripping off his clothing.

“Chad?” I asked. “What are you doing?”

“I’m taking off my clothes,” he said it as if it was obvious.

“And then?” I put my sweatshirt in the hamper.

“Get in bed,” Chad was doing that as he spoke. “People need to be in bed on a day like this.” He nodded his head towards the pouring rain and the trees swaying from strong winds. As I admired Nature’s show of strength, lighting cracked, lighting up the gloomy bedroom for one instant.

“You wouldn’t mind putting this in the hamper?” Chad tossed something white towards me and I caught it. My cheeks turned red with embarrassment as I realized I was holding Chad’s boxers. I dropped them in the hamper.

“Why don’t you get in bed with me?” Chad was watching me. Daring me to get in bed with my naked cousin.

“No, thanks.” I headed towards the door, shoes making a quish every time I took a step. “I’m going to get some tea,”

“There’s some in--”

“Fresh tea!” I tossed over my shoulder before going down the steps. I pulled off my shoes and socks at the kitchen door and entered. I got a tea bag, some hot water and a mug. The tea calmed me down, made the shroud of nervousness caused by the thought of Chad naked dissolve.

“What am I supposed to do?” I murmured to myself. I sure couldn’t sleep with Chad naked, but I couldn’t sleep with my clothes on either.

Could you really not sleep with Chad naked, teased this voice in my head that sounded something like Chad’s voice. I shook my head, mentally retorting, Two naked people in the same bed basically leads to sex.

So, you like him, replied the voice.

I do, but having sex with your cousin seems… I trailed off as images flashed in my head. Lips teasing the other’s body to insanity… sweaty skin pressed against sweaty skin…desires and needs fulfilled…

I shook my head, took a sip of the tea again. But the tightening of my jeans betrayed my arousal. I cursed to myself, drinking the rest of the tea.

God, I wanted to be in bed with him so bad it almost hurt. But I couldn’t because my parents would never forgive me. I didn’t want to hurt him--have me regret something I did.

This was America last time I checked, piped up the mental voice.

I was being fucking convinced by this annoying voice. I sighed and began to head for Chad’s bedroom.

Please, write more! This story is so addicting that I want to see what happens!

I agree with writing for love, please please please write more!! I really want to know what happens next. You are an amazing emotion builder, you make the MC seem so real. I love this, keep writing please!!

Please rate this R because it has the 'f' word in it.

I've been following this story and I have no critiques as of now. Next chapter I'll give a better one.

As the others have said, "More! More! More!"

-Jared

Aha, this chapter was great!
Hilariously funny.
I liked it.

But you might wanna work on your hook is the only thing. It doesnt chatch attention very well.
Another great chapter Rossy!

I really like the story.
Looking forward to your next part!

Why is it that all of your threads are beginning to look like they're supposed to be on FictionPress? *Shrug* Ah, well, hopefully you still like my detailed critiques.

Same format as always.





Highlighted Comments

1. I’d ditch this word. You repeat it very soon, and it’s not needed.
2. Especially what?
3. Can you show it to us?
4. Woah! Totally took me off guard. Give the reader some warning. Maybe ‘…what you did,” I said, remembering how Chad had picked me up after kissing for a few minutes, laying me on his bed. I had pushed him away, not wanting to go further than a make-out.’ Also, try to show that he didn’t want to stop later on; don’t throw it all at us.
5. In my head, he was sarcastic. Maybe show how he’s saying it, so you don’t confuse the reader?
6. Odd wording…
7. Suggestion: ‘Chad said, stating the obvious.’
8. Leaving Chad? Show them both running down it. Also, if you only talk about Calix here, it’s hard to remember that Chad is speaking.
9. Not his point – Chad’s.
10. Show us this, please. I read you’re filler – it’s good. Do it again here.
11. ‘Getting’ or ‘get?’ Is he saying what he’s doing, in response to Calix, or ordering Calix to do this?
12. Don’t know why, but I really liked this bit.
13. White boxers? Okay… *Shrug* I’m not a guy; I wouldn’t know.
14. Stop beginning sentences like this…
15. Where’d it get that from?
16. Yeah…I may stop critiquing your story soon. ;P Don’t turn it into a porn novel; do it tastefully!
17. I wouldn’t really know, but wouldn’t it actually hurt? *Is awkward…*
18. And many other reasons! ;P
19. A little odd. Relook at the punctuation.
20. I kind of want it to say ‘You can do whatever you want’ after this.
21. This is present tense. Maybe ‘that’ or ‘an?’
22. A little sudden. Expand a bit.

Overall Comments

Again, this is rather good, but slow down! He’s confused; let us feel this. Expand on your characters more. Figure Calix out, and let him respond the way he wants; don’t try to force him.

Other than that, just check out my highlighted comments.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

Just a few small comments to add to what the others have pointed out -

I eased out of it for a moment, feeling both giddy and [s]both[/s] overwhelmed.

As I admired Nature’s show of strength, lightning cracked, lighting up the gloomy bedroom for one instant.

I do, but having sex with your cousin at [s]15[/s] fifteen seems… I trailed off as images flashed in my head.

______________________

The plot is good and the characters but there's something that needs a little tweaking. First, the emotions aren't quite coming through. Showing us his thoughts helps but we can't feel for him, we can't feel his confusion, his lust or his dread. You need to show us how this is tearing him up inside, how much he wants it but also the extent to which he is willing to restrain himself. Describe his actions - does he shut the door a little hard? Does his hand shake as he pours the tea? Does he kick the counter? Or is he the type to break down, to sit and start to cry because he can't handle all these emotions.

Think how you react when you're angry or you want something and you can't have it. And then think about your character and how he would react. Also, remember the atmosphere and the detail! You'd be amazed at how something simple like a description of the cup a character uses to drink tea out of can draw the reader in, make it feel real. How a mention of the ghastly, green counters can make a room easier to imagine or the wallpaper covered in little pictures of fruit or the window left slightly ajar that's allowing rain to slip in. Description is your friend

So in general, this is developing well but slow down, take your time to describe things and to show us your characters' emotions. And yes that's plural! Does Chad feel no guilt, has he done this before?

Oh and one more thing, what's this fixation with age? I'd have thought the fact that it's his cousin would worry him more and his male cousin at that. At least have him think these other things while listing reasons not to do it!

Pm me with questions,

Heather xx

This was great! All of the nitpicking has already been done so there's nothing left for me to say. Keep up the good work!

Alex