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The Freedom to Choose: Prologue and Chapter One



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Wed Apr 30, 2008 2:58 am
Red Panda-Chan says...



Prologue:

The girl grabbed the branch of the tree and swung herself up so she could sit on it.

“Come on!” she yelled blowing her brown bangs out of her emerald green eyes. “It’s not that high of a climb!”

“Are you sure it’s safe?” the boy at the bottom of the tree asked.

“Of course!” she replied waving him up.

“Alright!” he yelled running his fingers through his black hair to get them out of his light blue eyes.

He then started to climb up to the small girl in the tree. She waited patiently with a smile plastered on her face. Finally he had made it up and she kissed him on the cheek. He looked at her with a surprised expression.

“That’s for getting up here,” she said.

He smiled then grabbed her face between his hands and kissed her on her small lips.

“That’s for getting me up here,” he replied.

The two spent hours up in the tree together, then the sun started to set and the two climbed out of the tree and sat on the porch.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” he asked.

“Your wife of course,” she smiled grabbing his hand in hers. “What about you? What do you want to be?”

“A great man that can create a big house for you,” he said squeezing her hand.

“Oh, really?” she asked.

“Really,” he replied.

“Don’t let go of my hand,” she whispered in his ear.

“I would never even think it,” he whispered back.






Chapter One:

“Roxan wake up! It’s only one more day then its summer time!” my mother yelled up the stairs.

“Damn,” I muttered turning over. “Why is it always so early?”

Slowly I got out of bed not realizing my legs were stuck in the sheets I tripped over and fell flat on my face.

“Ow…” I muttered pushing my light brown bangs out of my face then getting up. “I got to stop doing that every morning.”

I slowly walked into the bathroom and brushed my teeth falling asleep in the process. Why did the day have to start so early? Why couldn’t it start when people were actually awake for it?

Slowly I finished brushing and walked back to my room changing into jeans and an old faded out t-shirt. I walked down stairs and grabbed a piece of toast and started chewing on the corner.

“You seem tired this morning,” my mom said setting a cup of milk next to me.

“You think?” I looked up at her.

“Just saying,” she replied as someone else yelled walking into the kitchen. “Morning second family!”

“Hannah!” my mom exclaimed happily.

“Good morning Mrs. Jones,” Hannah smiled her brilliantly white teeth and flipped her long blonde hair while her blue eyes sparkled. “Roxan you better hurry or we’ll be late to our last day.”

“Oh yes because that’s possible,” I muttered.

“What was that?” she asked.

“Nothing, nothing!” I smiled innocently at her.

Ever since I was five I had known Hannah, with her perfect hair, perfect figure, and perfect grades. Let’s just say she was perfect. She had everything a girl wanted and was the nicest person I had ever known. We first met when I moved into this house because she was my neighbor.

Our parents stuck us together and ever since then we had become best friends, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. She’s a strong, sweet girl who tries to make everyone happy, but she never acts as if she’s someone else. Just Hannah, being Hannah, It’s what she’s good at. Her and her mother live alone next door, her father had left when she was thirteen. That was a hard time for her but it was the time we grew to become closest. It was the first time I had ever seen her in a depressed state. Every time I would see her crying I’d start tearing up too.

When we got into high school she still had that smile on her face acting proud of who she was. Even when her boyfriend would break up with her she would smile until she got home. That’s when the tears would come, and I would cry with her. Feeling emotionally touched by her. We were always there to comfort each other; even when I was at the academy and she was stuck here we were still there for one another.

Even when my brother left the house with his pregnant girlfriend she was there for me just like I was there for her. Even when my father’s company started to fail and we became so much in debt we couldn’t pay it back and still trudge forward with whatever we had, she was there to comfort me.

“So how is work Mrs. Jones?” Hannah asked.

“Actually,” she paused. “I quit my job.”

“What? Why?” I interrupted shocked.

“We’ll talk about it later honey,” she smiled patting me on the back. “You should head to school.”

“Yes Mrs. Jones,” Hannah said starting to pull me by the arm. I tried to swat her away and took another bite of toast fitting the whole thing in my mouth. My mom and Hannah looked at me in disgust, it was quite amusing. “Let’s go Roxan before we’re late.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I started to laugh with flying chunks going everywhere.

“Just do that at school honey and see how many friends you’ll have,” my mom muttered.

I swallowed and took a swig of water relieving myself of the food. “Heard that,” I replied to her grabbing my bag with a smile plastered on my face.

“So you agree with me it was gross,” she stated.

“No I don’t,” I said defiantly then kissed her on the cheek. “I find it quite funny.” I said heading to the door with Hannah.

Hannah and I were walking on the route we had used to get to school since were in elementary school, because the elementary, junior high and high school were close by each other.

“It’s nice out today,” I noted covering my eyes from the sun.

“Yes it is,” she replied smiling. Hannah had always liked the sun, always dragging me outside into the hot weather. Blech!

“And because it’s such nice weather,” I started, a wicked smile starting to form on my face. “I say we race!” I yelled startling her and already running.

“You know you can’t beat me,” she said already beside me. “I’m the fastest runner in four counties!”

I didn’t reply, if I did I would lose my concentration and lose the race. I just pushed faster, I had been practicing. I’m fast enough to beat her record so I assumed I would be fast enough to beat her in an actual race. I started to see the school buildings and pushed harder, getting faster and faster.

I was going to beat her this time for sure! I was so excited I could hardly control myself from losing my concentration and turning back to see how much farther back she was. But I didn’t and kept my focus. I was in the front of the school jumping on tables and dodging innocent bystanders. People started to stare but it didn’t distract me from the finish line. There were people already entering school and I ran past them and took a sharp turn left for a about ten yards then took a sharp right running up the steps and then taking another left and pushed my legs to finish the final stretch without slowing down. I was almost there! I was going to beat her this time! Adrenaline was coursing through my veins. It felt as if my lungs were about to burst, my emerald green eyes were watering and my legs were on fire!

Finally I made it past the threshold and tried to stop, tumbling into desks at the attempt. I then turned around seeing Hannah nowhere in sight I raised my arms up in victory.

“I… am… so awesome!” I exclaimed between deep breaths. Then Hannah tumbled through the door the same way I did. She caught her balance and looked at me with a shocked expression.

“No… fair!” she exclaimed pointing at me. “You… cheated! There’s no… way you could’ve… beat me!”

“Yeah… right! I beat you… and you… know it!” I yelled pointing back.

“No… way!” she huffed.

“Yes way!” I exclaimed my hands still up in the air.

“Ladies!” I put my hands down and looked at the teacher. “I know it’s the last day of school but that is no excuse for being late!”

“Sorry Mrs. Denson,” we apologized at the same time. We then looked at each other and giggled.

“Now take your seats,” she ordered.

“Yes ma’am,” we said taking our seats at the opposites sides of the room from each other.

I was thrilled now! It took me several years but I had finally done it! I had beat Hannah in a race! Not only that she is the best in four counties and I beat her! It was a miracle. I smiled to myself at the thought of it.

Mrs. Denson kept droning on about how next year we would have even more responsibility but I didn’t care. Then my phone vibrated in my pocket, I took it out.

“You so cheated! XP”

I looked at the sender: Hannah. I quickly texted back.

“No I didn’t! You’re just getting slow! :P

I sent it and looked towards her. She looked at me and stuck her tongue out. My phone soon vibrated again.

“You, me after school. We’re racing home. ^___^”

I looked at her and looked back at my phone.

“Um… No. I’d rather not. XP You can race home yourself though! :D

I waited for her reply.

“After school. You better be there or else I’ll tell your mom. ^_____^”

I stared in shock. I wasn’t in any sports because my mom was too afraid that my asthma might come back. She would kill me if she knew!

“Fine. -______-‘ But if I lose you are so dead!”

“Yeah, yeah. :P


I sighed and closed my phone putting it in my pocket. The bell rang then and I got up and walked out of the room. I was on my way to second period when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

“Yes?” I asked turning.

“Hey Roxan,” a boy named Zack said. “I just wanted to say that I was going to miss you when you leave this summer.”

“What do you mean leave?” I demanded.

“You know that you’re not going to be here next year for junior year,” he said starting to ramble. “I was thinking that I was going to miss you very much and that it’s going to be quieter without you around.”

“Don’t avert my question,” I said more than a little agitated. “What do you mean leave?”

“You mean you don’t know?” he asked confusion flashing across his face.

“Zack!” Hannah had interrupted us. “What are you doing? You’re going to be late for second period.”

“Oh you’re right!” he exclaimed taking a look at his watch. “Thanks for telling me Hannah!” he said starting to hustle to his next class.

“We should head to class ourselves,” Hannah said.

“You know don’t you?” I asked.

“Know what?” she asked acting confused.

“What he was talking about,” I replied looking her in the eye.

“I don’t know what he was talking about. I’m just as confused as you are,” she laughed a short laugh that made me uneasy.

“You’re lying,” I stated. “I can see through it.”

“Roxan,” she started but didn’t finish. She could see the betrayal in my eyes just as plainly as I could feel it. “I know, but it’s not my right to tell you. It’s your parents.”

“My parents?” I asked confused again. “What do they have to do with this?”

“I’m not the right person to ask.”

“I’m going home,” I said turning toward the doors. The uneasiness was starting to form butterflies in my stomach. What was everyone talking about? As I started on the way home I could hear Hannah calling after me but I ignored it. Soon I was in front of my house feeling silly. What did my parents have to hide from me?

With a shaky hand I reached for the knob and turned it slowly. I then gently threw the door open.

“Mom? Dad?” I called in the house. When no one answered it multiplied my uneasiness.

I started walking down the hall with our family portraits hanging on the walls. Then I reached the living room seeing my mom up and pacing back and forth and my dad fidgeting with a gum wrapper.

“What’s wrong?” I asked worried.

“Sit down,” my father instructed. “We have some news.”

“What kind of news?” I asked my voice cracking.

“Well you see honey,” I could see sweat beads on his forehead. “You know we’ve been in financial trouble and that even selling the house wouldn’t help us.”

“Yes I know,” I replied.

“Well,” he cleared his throat. “You remember the Crims right? When we went to that party in Chicago.”

“Stop avoiding the point,” I demanded. I wanted to get this over with so I could feel the relief of there being nothing big to worry about. I decided to go through a list of what I could live through. Losing the house and living in an apartment is something I could live with. Being a family on the run from debt, that would be alright.

“The Crims have offered us some help,” he said still fidgeting with the wrapper. “They’ll lend us the money to pay for the debt.”

“Well that’s good news!” I exclaimed so thrilled I jumped up in glee. That’s when my thrill ended.

“But there’s a cost,” he started. My smile faded.

“What’s the cost?” I asked worried again.

“They agreed on the condition of you,” he stopped and took a breath. “Becoming their son’s fiancé and going to live with them in their home in Japan.” I sunk down into a chair. So many emotions were running through me right now. Fiancé? What the hell kind of condition was that?

“No,” I stated. “I won’t do it.”

“Honey,” my mom came towards me hugging me in her arms. “There’s no other choice.”

“There’s always a choice!” I exclaimed pulling away from her and getting up out of the chair. “There has to be another way! I can’t…” I knew I had already lost. What else could we do? If I did this then it will take my family out of their debt. If I didn’t what else was there?

“You know there isn’t,” my father stated. “No matter how much you didn’t want it or I didn’t it won’t help. There is no other choice.”

“I know,” I could hear the defeat in my voice. “I’ll go pack now.” I started to make my way to the stairs. My eyes started to sting as I found the suitcase in my closet. Slowly I began to pack.

“How are you doing?” I turned to see Hannah standing in my doorway.

“You knew didn’t you?” I asked wiping away tears.

“Your parents asked me not to tell you,” she said. “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you.”

“It’s too late now. If you did I would have ran before anyone could’ve got me,” I tried to make a lighthearted laugh and failed.

“If you ever come home and need a place to stay you know I’ve got room in my house,” she said trying to make me feel better. It didn’t work.

“If I cried now you wouldn’t mind would you?” I asked and she shook her head no. I suddenly sunk to the floor on my knees and broke into uncontrollable sobs. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to have to go and leave this. I wanted to yell and scream to stay but I had no other choice.

“It’s alright,” Hannah tried to comfort me stroking my hair. “Everything is going to be alright.”

“What if they don’t?” I asked her wiping away more tears as they came down. “What if everything just gets worse? Then what’s going to happen?”

I could feel a pain in my chest starting to form. I gripped my shirt where it started to hurt and kept sobbing. Slowly I started to stop crying and wiped the last of my tears away. I looked at my suitcase and Hannah had already packed everything I needed so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. But there was something missing, I looked through my closet and found a small bear and bunny. I picked them up and put them in my suitcase. I started to remember when I got the bear.

“No matter what keep the bear with you always,” he said taking my hand. It was embarrassing to receive something like this but I couldn’t deny it I was uncontrollably happy.

“I will, always,” I replied with a huge grin.

He had always told me it was special, the bear, that it was his lucky charm and belonged with the one closest to his heart. But now all it brought me was sad memories of what used to be and how much I still loved the bear that I couldn’t throw it away.

“Roxan are you ready?” I looked towards my door to see my mom.

“Yes,” I replied sniffling.

“Then let’s get going. Your father is waiting in the car,” she smiled grabbing my bag.

“Yes,” I said picking another one of my suitcases with an unrequited sadness.

I got into the car and we started to drive away. I wanted to cherish the last moments of home and watched the house disappear from the back windshield. I sat in the car thinking of all the good things that were going to happen now and to not look back and be sad. But the pain was still lingering.

We finally got to the airport and my parents walked me to the gate.

“You’ll be able to come back and visit. It’s nothing permanent if you don’t like it than you can always come home,” my mom hugged me. Her words didn’t comfort me though; I knew I couldn’t come back. Matters would just get worse if I did.

“We’ll miss you honey,” my dad hugged me too. “Come visit when you can.”

“I will,” I replied. When he let go I felt a pain that told me to hold on but it was too late.

“One more thing,” he said handing me a picture. “This is him. Kiro Crims.”

I stared at the picture. It was a boy with black hair that was covering his right of two beautiful icy blue eyes. By looking at the picture you could tell he wasn’t a body builder but he wasn’t short and chubby either. He had a slight build. He was somewhat beautiful.

“Passport and ticket?” the attendant asked holding her hand out waiting.

I handed them to her and she let me pass. When I did I felt as if I had just signed my life over. Everything was going to be different now and I couldn’t help but to be sad about it.
Last edited by Red Panda-Chan on Sat Jun 07, 2008 2:53 am, edited 2 times in total.
I am an artist for I paint pictures with my words
  





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317 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5120
Reviews: 317
Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:36 am
mizz-iceberg says...



Hey there Red Panda!

I have to go somewhere quickly but this story caught my eye and I'll try to make this review quick.

I'm not going focus on punctuation, grammar or spelling mistakes but more on the characters, plot, descriptions and such.

I feel that you rushed all this too quickly. What you have here, you could have easily made it into two chapter. I actually think you should have. As I really want more details and descriptions. For example:

“I can’t believe this is the last day of our sophomore year. Can you believe next year we’re going to be juniors?” Hannah said overjoyed.

I smiled at her joyous face and then looked away for today was the last day of another unproductive school year. The summer breeze slightly blew my black curls and made my emerald green eyes water. Maybe next year my life will be a little easier. For I am the girl who doesn’t think she’ll ever find love at all in her life.


I want to know how Roxan's life is like then. How as school? Maybe I'd like to know a little more about Hannah. How is Roxan's life harder. Elaborate on her love problems. You need make you readers sympathize Roxan. Make our eyes water too.

“Mom I’m home!” I yelled inside. I walked in and found my parents on the couch being extremely quiet, even for them.

“Roxan, we have some bad news,” my father said with a serious tone.

“What?” I asked afraid of what the bad news might be.

“Well, you know how we’ve had some financial trouble?” he asked as I nodded. “Well to get out of that financial trouble we had to take drastic measures.”


Wouldn't Roxan's parents say hi? Or ask 'how was your day'.

And it would be more realistic if you show how fidgety her father looks. It looks like they have something on there mind. Take the whole conversation more slowly.


My jaw dropped like I’ve just been slapped and somehow I was in shock all the way to the airport for my parents said that before I marry him I must get to know him… And he lives in Japan.

In this one sentence you go on to explain how she feels about the news and in that same sentence she's left the house and is on the way to the airport.

First of I feel this sentence is a run on sentence. Actually I think you need a couple paragraphs here. Doesn't Roxan object at first? Aren't there preparations like packing and everything. Saying goodbye to friends? Emotions? tears? Depression? Confusion?

Also I feel they need to show how badly these people need money. I know I'd rather sell my 'modern' home than to sell my daughter off like that. These guys are really desperate and you need to show the reader that.

Today I’m wearing my straight legged black pants with a white tank top and my favorite black Tim Burton’s ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ sweater. My hair was tied up in a ponytail with my rock star bangs in my face. The plane had finally landed, and now it was time to meet the Crims, and holy crow! It’s already midnight?!

You changed tenses here a lot. You go past to present to past to present. Chose one!

I'd also like to know how Roxan was feeling when she was on the plane. Her emotions. As she saw Japan from her window as the plane ladned. What was she feeling?


The airport was still crowded when I walked off the plane, but it didn’t bother me, what did though was the man holding the sign with my name on it. It was John Crims. You would expect, because he’s such a big business man, that he wouldn’t come himself to pick up his future daughter-in-law with his wife.


-It was a run-on sentence. I added a period.

It was huge, like forever long huge. I couldn’t even take my eyes away from it, that’s how big it was. I mean it would’ve made the Tacoma Dome look small!!! We finally parked and walked into the mansion of gigantic size.

Ok fine it was HUGE. But what colour was the house? What did it look like. And again we need emotions here. How did Roxan feel looking at that house. She was going to live in this house for a while. Did she feel home-sick? Was she excited?


He left with a smile on his face and I decided it would be best if I wait for a shower until the morning and just flopped on the bed and slept.

Wow you I have to say your Roxan is pretty emotionless. Just flopped into bed and slept?? She must have been tired. Show us that she's tired. This is her first night in this house. It definitely means something. And didn't she have dinner or something to eat? I know that after a long plane ride, I'm famished.

I'm not going to pin point each place where I feel you need to give us details. I think you can go through your story yourself and see if you find places where you feel you need to give the reader more insight and emotions.

“So Kiro I hear you’ve got a fiancé,” a girl with dark brown hair and brown eyes said.

“Yes Dani, I have a fiancé,” a boy replied with black hair that covered his right eye and light blue eyes.

“What’s she like?” Dani asked.

“I don’t know,” Kiro said bluntly.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” she demanded.

“She came in really late last night. I don’t even know her name, what she looks like, or even which class she’s in,” he said.

“Well that’s no-” Dani was cut off by the teacher.

“Morning class,” she smiled.

“Please stand!” a boy sitting up front said. “Bow!” every student bowed and you could hear the chorus of “Good morning sensei” through the class.

“Yes, yes. Please be seated. Today we have a new student with us,” the teacher gestured to me at the door. “Her name is Roxan so be nice. Now would you like to introduce yourself?”

“Thank you Mrs. Wilson,” I smiled. I walked in front of the class.


Who's P.O.V is this? Roxan's right? She isn't in the class room, how does she know Kiro and Dani are talking about. She hasn't even seen Kiro and Dani yet. It's ok to switch P.O.V. I actually think it would be great if you show us Kiro's POV as well. The only thin is you have to let the reader know you're switching P.O.V.s. Otherwise it gets confusing, like it did here.

At the top of the stairs Mary stopped and cleared her throat for the few people at the bottom of the stairs to hear. They all looked up but the only one that caught my attention was Kiro Crims in a tux. His light blue eyes gaze was upon me, and it was nerve-wracking!

-this part I found is extremely cliche and all lovey-dovey gaggy stuff, If you get what I mean. Personally, I didn't like this part. Maybe because of the lack of emotion and how it's dripping with cliche-ness.

Over All
This story has a good plot and interesting characters. the only thing is you need to make the readers care about these characters and this story. You need to include us. To do so, you need more emotion.
Punctuation/Grammar wise I don't think you had any major problems. Just watch those run on sentences. But no problems that you can't handle.

Keep writing this and keep posting. I'm here if you need help. Don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions.
-Best of Luck!
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