Young Writers Society

I felt a sharp pain go down my neck and through my veins. Somewhere in the back of my mind I could hear the music, but not really. He had his arms around my back holding me up. I started to arch my back. The pain felt wrong and good at the same time. I felt like I was leaving my body, being consumed so far I was one with him. He loved me and I was doing this for him. I wanted to be with him always. My family couldn’t know. I’d thought about this a while, it felt right in my heart. Join the undead and be with him forever.

He lifted his head to look at me, I smiled at him. His arms were still around me in an iron embrace. He swept me up in his arms and cradled me against his body. He kissed me so deeply his teeth dug into my lips. I could taste the blood in my mouth.

His hand lifted to his neck and slashed a gash in it. I lifted my head to it and started to drink slowly, timidly. Once the taste hit my tongue I became more aggressive. He held me in place letting me take some of his life into my own.

Once I was done I curled up against his chest and breathed heavily. Soon my heart would stop and I would be a vampire. He took me to the bed, both of us exhausted. He reached into the side table by the bed and pulled out a little ring box. He’d told me he would do that sooner or later. All I could do was smile when he looked at me.

When he opened the box the ring glittered in the dim room. It was a beautiful princess cut with three circular garnets on each side and two more rectangular garnets complimenting them. He took it out of the box and put it on my finger. I smiled with tears running down my cheeks. His hands cupped my face and kissed each tear.

All night he held me in his arms, my head against his chest. He was my whole world now. I had to keep this secret. No one could ever know. I would live in my normal life as long as I could. Then, I would truly be making a clean break. Well, maybe in this case it would be a clean bite.

The first thing that I noticed is that your writing style is very blunt (there is nothing wrong with blunt I assure you.) However here it comes off a bit forced and in some parts a bit cliche. If you are like me and you have read many (MANY) vampire books then you would have read many passages of changing similar to this one.

Try explaining exactly what she is feeling, how is her body changing? What does her heart feel like as it stops beating? Why do his teeth feel right and wrong at the same time? Description is very key in caturing a readers attention.

Another thing you need here is some imaginary, something that says "Hey! I'm different from every other vamp story you have ever read!"

A good start, and I am interested to see more, still keep these few things in mind

As OverEasy already pointed out - this is leaning heavily into the cliche bucket.

I suggest you use less general and cliche terms such as 'iron embrace' and 'his teeth dug into my lips'. I understand that the topic you have decided to focus on in this story has been done MANY times before and that it's not easy to make it your own. But the problem is that the reader doesn't just want another 'Vampire Story'.

To improve I think that you need to jam pack this with emotion, description and make it your own. Show your personality and style through your characters. As a reader I want to feel for the characters. I want to care about the characters - otherwise what's the point in reading?

Make your story come to life.

All the best and keep writing. I'll be happy to crit more or a re-write.

Alainna
xx

Not bad but for a prologue its too much, too detailed, too straight forward. If I am correct its showing a bit into the future? Cause if it is I think you should shorten it and less exsact detail of the people around her.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I could hear the music, but not really.

The first part of this is good but after the comma its not. Perhaps you could use this instead. "but more like a faint whisper now." or "but its faint and unimportant" or " becoming a whisper."

One of these I think will work. If you want a good exsample go to: topic28546.html

You know...while I read that, the only thing that came to my mind was "Twilight". And then, once I read further, it was just like "Marked" and "Chosen". I suggest you change that--this piece is too similiar to those books for me to even critique.

Sorry, but that's almost exactly like those two books. I know that it's difficult not to take ideas with the new vampire novels out these days, painting the picture of vampires being sexy, charismic creatures of the night and not filthy vermin that every human should fear.

okay i like the idea you have going on but you're packing to much at one time. i know because i do the same thing. i say it and i'm done but i'm learning to draw it out some you need to shake things up a bit how bout adding a catch? like if she didn't her family would ne killed by another evil vampire? anyways can't wait to read more.

selena

I know it sounds like them. I've rewritten this. Thanks for the critique though. You should read the rewrite I think it's a little better.

So, I've been on a bit of a vampire kick for the past few months. I blame my friends who introduced me to Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Since then, I've just been gobbling up as much of this kind of stuff as I can.

I think you have a good start. I like how you open with the bite. It's a really strong opening and we know almost immeidately who we're dealing with: a person and a vampire.

I think you should slow down a little though. Really take your time to pay attention to the details. Just a little bit here and there would really help us keep up with you. As it is now, we don't have any clue what the vampire looks like, what the narrator looks like. Where are they when he bites her? What kind of time period is this? Is it modern day, or are we stepping back a little bit in time? Describing other things in the scene then just her feelings of wanting to be with him forever will really help to draw us in.

Also, there are three major questions:

Why does he choose her? I've never really understood why the immortal, powerful vampires fall in love with thier food source. Most vampire stories, have some sort of extreme situation that makes the two fall in love. What is it that made him want her?

And then... what would make her give up human life in favor of something that kills to eat? Is she running away from something in her own life? Or is she justso infatuated with this guy that she can't imagine living without him?

And then... do the usual vampire rules apply? Sunlight and wooden stakes and crosses and all that?

Those three are things that you can answer later, but I'd really love to hints of here.

I think that just about sums up everything I want to say. Nice job. Are you going to be posting any more? Cause that would make me happy.

His arms were still around me in an iron embrace. He swept me up in his arms

-Chokes on hot cocoa- ooh, there's the repetition again. Try something else, because rep is really is painful to read, and it messes up the flow of the story.

He had his arms around my back holding me up. I started to arch my back. The pain felt wrong and good at the same time.

Ouch, there it is again! "He had his arms around my waist, holding me up as I started to arch my back." You could make it two sentences, just as long as it gets rid of the repetition.
And then the next part, about 'pain feeling wrong and good', it seems awkward. Maybe good and bad, or wrong and right. But wrong and good, hmmm.

Anyways, yeah. Just keep practicing. It's obvious you have talent, you just need to hone your skill. ^^

Best of luckies,
-Sela

It's very Twilightesque. That's not always a bad thing, but I think that it's a bit over-the-top Twilight-like. I feel like the characters aren't original. I feel like the whole concept isn't very original, really.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound cruel or mean, but I think the whole vampire thing is beginning to be too overrated. I love the Twilight series, but now everything is vampires...

-Holly

Wow, this is an exact cross between Twilight and The Vampire Lestat. Sorry, I just had to notice that. Maybe I read too many vampire novels. I thought this was nice, though. I really felt the emotion near the end.

Somebody likes the Twilight Series!!!

Sorry, but I got a major Twilight vibe reading that, which is okay seeing as I absolutely love the idea of vampires.

Try to make it more original. There was one part that I recognized from Twilight exactly...

Quote: I smiled with tears running down my cheeks. His hands cupped my face and kissed each tear.

The imagery was very good I must say, I could really see most of what was happening, it was very clear and it captured my attention from the beginning.

Keep writing!